Hotel

When my daughter moved out to move in with her long time boyfriend, my life changed.... for the better. I'm not listening for anyone saying 'hang on a minute she's your blood, she's your little girl!' Yeah she is my blood and is still her daddy's little girl but she's 25yrs old. Our life had gotten back to almost normality.
Today she arrives with a car boot full of her belonging plus a 2year old CAT!! Bandit was her ex's way of her not gettin bored when he was away on business... so now my 6year old kitty has to make way for another male cat... good luck is what I say. I have laid down a few house rules and board money has shot up to the appropriate amount. Son's now lookin confused 'cuz he now has to do more, and so he should, this aint no fuckin hotel!! They don't like it they know where the door is. The last time ...well actually the time our daughter lived here she made my life a living hell, I blame her for me being on the anti depressants, I'm still on the fuckin meds... So I've told her what goes and what doesn't go. I also know that her dad isn't happy she's back, but we can't throw her out ( there has been times in the past I would have done!) So... our peace and quiet has now gone out of the window... am I a happy bunny? Ya really want me to answer that? I only hope that she can learn how WE live here.... She's in for a shock because I've changed too.

Inside out

Inside out is who I am.
I've never felt comfortable
in the clothes I wear, could
never find a certain fashion
that I felt comfortable in.
It was never me, I'm almost
in drag and the again I'm not.
Today I went shopping, well it
was more like several rounds
with a sumo wrestler.. the
crowds were a nightmare!
But I went lookin for a
jacket, a mans jacket.
I've had this dream
about wearin dinner suite
top hat n tails with
shiny shoes, kinda like
Fred Astaire fashion.
So today I went hunting
for the jacket, I have
long arms, long body
n broad shoulders..
you'd have thought it
would have been easy?
Not!! After several
shuffles in n out
of various shops,
I found River Island
with yes another
massive sale. Sifting
through the many rails
of unwanted clothes
I found my hand holdin
a grey blazer, with
that army type brass
buttoned effect..buttons
and I fell head over
heals in love with it.
It was my size, and
way more good lookin
than what I'd found
earlier so now I now
where this new look
is going with me.
Also it was originally
£55.00 reduced to £30
but get this I paid
£15.00 a total bargain.
Oh then I found a Lady
Gaga t-shirt which goes
with blazer.. then
Oh it just gets better
paid £20 for a fitted
waistcoat.. I now fit
the part.. this is me,
I'm done with tryin
to fit in with this
n that... this n that
don't work for me. I
have a new identity
now... I am in the
process of growin
my hair, slightly
boyish.. but I've
always wondered
what it was like to
be a boy... I'm happy
now and half way there.
Cool day for shoppin!!
I've come to accept
the new me now.

~Christmas Eve~

It's Christmas Eve and all is well.
The tree is lit all pretty lights a
glow, presents all piled up beneath
it's glorious brow.. time to rest
and dream of the family who we will
share this banquet fit for a king
tomorrow, to rejoice in all our/
his glory. So I shall raise my
glass and pre wish you all a very
'H*A*P*P*Y~C*H*R*I*S*M*A*S' and
hope you all get what you wish
for....Turkey's in and veggies
done... tie to relax and be
ready for the festivities and
fun. God bless all my family
and friends. Cheers, love to
all my audience and may gods
peace be with you all this
merry Christmas Eve.
Indi n out. XOXOXOXOXOX

Abby

I won this amazing picture off nitebyrd's blog a few weeks back. I received it last week and now can boast about my beautiful winnings. Abby is Autistic and makes these amazing pictures to relieve her stress. She is a very talented young lady.. Mine is awaiting the right size and colour frame to set off this picture and so hang it on my wall, pride of place. Thank you again nitebyrd... I love it!!

Void

Never say never.
I remember the
first time I
saw you. My
heart yelled
out with Joy.
I think I
should 'av
been born
a boy.
Halloween
dressed
all in one
skeleton
bones. I
never
forgot
that night.
I can still
see it now.
From then
til now..
I loved
you so
much, gave
my every-
thing as
always.
The kiss,
oh yeah
that KISS!
Should
never have
happened
ya know.
But it all
came together
as it always
does.. as
usual I
gave what
I've needed
to give, you
wanted to know
I delivered
the goods.
From that
day it's been
going down
hill ever
since. I
never felt
the same about
you. I said
I didn't love
you the same
as I used to
do........
..........
..........
I lied!
I couldn't
go on, so
I pushed
you away.
So there
you have it,
I did it
for me, for
my sanity.
I couldn't
cope with
us..you..
me. It
didn't
feel right.
I have
no idea
how I am
meant to
feel...
I have
to live
with this
empty void.
But I'm
safe because
I know you
won't read
this blog.
Deleted..
barred...
Gone.

BaGgY wAiSt SyNdRoMe...

Today I started off feeling well,
but as the day progressed it all
changed. My stomach is so swollen
now I look 7 months gone! This
they call IBS is literally a
right royal pain in the....
eventually ASS!! I went
Christmas shoppin, did
really well, started
and almost finished in
one day, can't be bad.
Tonight we have friends
coming round for a simple
meal..chicken balti, roast
veg n basmati rice if any
of you are feelin hungry?!
I've had to change into
a pair of sloppy baggy
gym bottoms, elasticated
waist syndrome! It makes
me feel sluggish..
trapped wind isn't
pleasant... esp when
ya can't move it on.
I'm done moaning now.

Rumblings

Some thing is stirring down below.
Not quite sure why or how, I don't
honestly know. Painful here, grumbling
pains there... for what I can remember
all those years ago. The doctor asked
me certain questions of answers I
gave my best.. I have an appointment
next Monday..some red stuff they
will take... they think it is
my bowels, a subject often not
spoken about... this is slightly
to the right, the kind of
uncomfortness that keeps you
awake at night. So fingers
crossed for some news I need
to hear...and those infamous
words form the nurse....
'you'll feel just a little
prick....................!'

66 not out

Friday night was planned.
Go out for a meal at our
local... go see the Xmas
lights turned on then
wonder around checking
out the bring n buy
stalls, get into the
spirit of things..
listen to the children
as they scream with
joy on the rides..
But we didn't...
I spent 4 hours
in A&E with my
other half, after
finding out he'd
had a wee accident
on the farm where
he works. I have
to say the nursing
staff were very good
exceptionally
thorough. Pain
wasn't a problem
for my man, the
depth of the cut
and the amount of
red stuff flirtin
out of his flesh
was enough to make
me realise there
is more t this
nursing than we
actually think.
I couldn't be
a nurse, I get
squeamish at
the sight of
needles..not
to clever with
the red stuff
either. It
turned out
he'd cracked
the big toe
bone but split,
if that's the
right name
for it, the
deep incision
in his foot,
that refused
to stop bleedin.
He was admitted
and went to
theatre Saturday
morning to have
the cut opened
some more so it
could be
thoroughly
cleaned out..
He is off work
for a while..
but I know
unless I lock
him in the
house, he
may at some
stage.....
'ESCAPE!'
He is like
me, I don't
do sittin
down takin
it easy..I
get bored
very quickly!!
So no ridin
his motor-
bike for a
while....
no drivin
the car..
I've hidden
both sets
off keys.
Might give
him a bath
later, you
ever tried
gettin
out of a
bath with
one leg?!
So this is
the first
time ever
that he has
experienced
a general
anaesthetic.
Up until
yesterday
he's never
ever had
an operation.
66 not out!

Expression

;)



:-P




;-*





8->





>;->





:-#





X-)

Thinking

If you do what you always did

you get what you always got!!

Time out

Last Thursday was not the best of days due to me losing one of my boys. Bruce went to sleep., the angels are keeping a safe watch over him now. Friday was a little better I had the day off work, so a three day weekend I had and very nice it was too. We went on our motorbikes to North Yorkshire on the east coast of England to a famous place called Whitby.. famous due to Bram Stoker was meant to have landed there many many years ago. The setting is beautiful, with the remains of the Abby on the hill. We got there in just over 3 hours, stopping for much needed toilet break and hot drink to thaw out. Traffic was good... it stayed dry all the way... that is good because we normally get wet and for November too! I spent the whole three days doing absolutely nothing apart from chilling out, eating fish n chips at the famous Magpie cafe... eating large slabs of apple pie n custard at the Whistle stop cafe where all the bikers stop for refills. Saturday the sun came out and although it was cool it stayed bright and cheerful for a hand full of people wondering around the trinket shops.... We've been to Whitby now for several years, we always stop at the same B&B as we know the couple who run it, their full English breakfasts go down a treat and set us up for the day. So I've had a lovely stress free three days away, just what the doctor ordered. Back to work today, didn't feel like it though, but hey that's Mondays as the Boom town Rats sung once.... 'I don't like Mondays!' And you can always tell when you're near the sea.... seagulls making their usual noise!!!

R.I.P Brucey

This is my pussy cat 'Bruce!'
He died today whilst out
playin on the road, he
got hit by a car. I am
so sad, I can't stop crying
He wasn't quite a year
old. My eyes are sore
my vision blurd.
I will miss him so much..
We will find a nice quiet
spot in the garden under
the damson tree where I
often found him playing
or sun bathing. Now I
have to go and cry
some more. Sleep well
Brucey, I love you.

pissed .................................off, again!

Take me as I am
and if you don't
like what you
see...don't
bang ya head
on the way out.

Against the grain

I've never been selfish in my life.
Generous to a fault my mother used
to say... shirt off my back I'd give
if I thought it'd help, last penny
in my pocket to anyone I'd give.
I like to be of help.. putting
others first, fighting peoples
wars.. giving a helping hand.
I really am struggling to put
me first for a change, it
doesn't seem to come
naturally, of course it
isn't who I am. If I am
to recover this dismal
state of depression that
I'm in, I need to carry
on regardless or I
won't conquer anything.
Some days I find my
mind wandering to far
and distant lands,
lands where I shouldn't
go, the demons will be
waiting to take me by
my hand. These inner
screams are deafening
I don't know what to
do... how long do I
have to defend myself.
When I stare in the
mirror, a frightened
young girl meets me
with fear in her
eyes.. most nights
I don't have pretty
dreams but night-
mares in black
and white.

No title

No title,
no answer
to the
way I
feel.
No
tears
only
fears
of the
way I
ache
right
now.
No
words
of
wisdom,
my senses
are numb.
No to
the next
question.
How I
arrived
at
this
place
called
hell.

Hurt

Lookin back I regret everything I ever did in my life,
everyone I ever tried to love... I gave my everything,
that was my down fall. I only ever wanted to be loved.
I love...loved every one I came into contact with...
when things went tits up I blamed myself, like a
sponge I soaked up all the negative thoughts, they
dropped me like a red hot brick...discarded..spat
out. Finished... I was left to pick up the pieces.
This time I thought I'd got the hang of things..
Proves I didn't.... but I've learnt one thing in
my tedious existence on earth to not give in! I
won't-can't admit to being wrong... I've kidded
myself for such a long time that I was no longer
in love... thought it better to quit while I still
had my sanity, look where that got me. I am twisted,
sad... empty... but there it goes again. I won't
admit to being wrong. As I see it in my eyes I
wouldn't have come up to standards, I set the
bar... further than I can ever touch.. Diamonds
are not my best friend, I'm a nobody who doesn't
deserve fine stones... the only thing I should
be wearing around my neck is a noose..........!
My mother always used to say when I had friends
around for tea, I'd sit down at my piano to play,
stop showing off.... So I never showed off again,
confidence knocked from an early age. Follows you
around in adult life...
I don't want to know what rows ya boat, too busy
trying to stop myself from getting any deeper in
to the self harming regime again. Blades out shiny
and new... it's like riding a bike... some more
practice and I was off again... fresh wounds!!
I'm not looking for pity...s o don't give me any.
I have grown to know when the shit has hit the
fan, I have also learnt how to avoid the shit,
by ducking... or in my case pretending it isn't
happening.... because in my own little world
everything is perfect, rosy and smells of
vanilla. I tried to be a slave once, because
she said she loved me, I was beaten, whipped
had unmentionables done to me because I thought
if I didn't comply she wouldn't love me... in
the end she just used me...spat me out I'm
left to pick up the pieces... life's a
bitch called Indi and then I will die..
at least in death no-one can use me.
But these are just words on a page...I
don't believe what I write anymore..
I certainly don't love me anymore..
by the way these words aren't for
your benefit if you happen to read this
of which I hope you don't. I wouldn't,
couldn't cope with you thinking I'm
some sad bitch, I might be in my head
but that is for me to think about
and no-one else ya hear me....? So
what to you all want for Christmas?
Apart from world peace and no more
starving in the world... I want to
be happy with who I am...
I won't write words that I think
people would want me to write or
want them to read because I want
them to like what I write...

Lost n found

In limbo.
Not quite
sure of
what to
do next.
I feel
pretty
empty
in one
breath
then in
another
breath
feelin
damn
good
about
it all.
I don't
have to
think
about
how you
feel
any
more.
I can
please
myself
on that
score.
I can't
remember
the last
time I
got so
fuckin
mad, drank
four pints
of beer
and then
walked
out. Got
lost just
lately,
I did
that night,
walked
home in
the cold
night,
truly
lost and
so alone.
I'm good
at tellin
stories.
My memory
as clear
as the day
it went.
Ask me
how I feel
right
now..how
I feel
today?
Lost...
but found.
Not so
much as
sad..
at peace
with the
woman I
now know
I am.
I won't
come
knockin
on your
door,
askin
for you
to forgive
me, been
there,
done that,
it doesn't
last very
long. You
want to
talk, you
have to
ask me..
like I
said last
time, this
time it's
all about
me. I'm
actually
gettin
quite
used to
not thinkin
about you.
I thought
it'd be
really
hard, in
fact it
was a
piece of
piss!!
So there
you have
it, how
I really
feel right
now.. not
quite lost
almost
found.

..........................................................................

............... CLOSED !!....................

Shitty

Same old
same old
same old.
Nothings
changed,
can't
get my
head
around
this
feeling
of lost.
Stopped
lookin
in the
mirror,
boring
same old
person
starin
back at
me. Have
given up
trying
to figure
out who
it is.
Sportin
the latest
in tubular
bandage,
same old
excuse..
aggravated
muscle..
easier to
digest for
the fuck wits
I have to
acknowledge
at the
Tampax
factory..
I put the
strings in
Tampax for
a job, pays
not bad,
buys me
petrol for
me bike.
Curled up
on sofa
today..
heater on,
tv too..
feelin tired
what's new?!
Autumn leaves
are turning,
Halloween is
here again.
Not got no
treats in..
nor tricks.
Can't even
be bothered
for that..
Soon be time
for fireworks
as we light
the fuses
that give
loud bangs.
I'm not
feelin to
good of
late.
Constant
bad neck
stress I
so believe.
F***ing
great!!!
My mentor
and a couple
of close
friends
say I'm
going about
it the right
way. Enough
is enough,
I have my
own demons
to deal with,
have no room
in my head
for anyone
else right
now.. I'm
no bitch,
certainly
no cow!
I won't
be here
for a
while..
mobile's
constantly
turned off!
Don't
answer the
phone..
Keep myself
to myself.
Christmas aint
far behind,
I may not
bother if
ya don't mind!
Won't apologise
done nothin
wrong.. same
old same old,
same old...
Goodbyes.

Drownin

Time for me.
Stop giving
start lovin
myself. Those
are the words
from my mentor.
This is very
difficult for
me. I'm a fish
sign..at this
moment in time
I'm a fish that
feels like she
is drowning.
For anyone
who knows me,
they will
understand,
and if ya
don't then
tough shit.
Shit can be
a good thing,
cow shit on
ya roses..
shit on the
souls of ya
shoes...not
so good..I
aint talkin
with no one
or is proper
English..I
aint talkin
to anyone
right now.
I gotta give
me time..
could take
weeks.....
months....
years....!!
I can't rush
how I feel..
but since I
gave up talkin
to anyone I
feel shit loads
better... it's
a long story.
Aint goin there.
It would mean
talkin 'n' like
I said..I'm done
talkin.. gotta
have ME time.
I come first,
not second
or last. I have
to think about
what I want..
need..and until
I've figured
that out... I
aint by no
means talkin!
Textin! E mailin
nothin...!!
So if ya
feelin left
out.. just
try n imagine
how I feel..
I just gotta
figure out
now how I
should feel.
Apart from
a drowning
fish outta
water..!!!!
Ooooow...I
just wanna
SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAM!!!!!

~ 1 ~

I quit.
I did..
One
year
today
I quit.
No more
fags,
bad
breath
dirty
teeth,
brown
skin,
feelin
outta
breath
when
doin
menial
things.
Runnin,
rushin,
I did
it ...
one
year
today.
I feel
great.
I no
longer
smoke.
My
lungs
are
clear.
My
wallet
is
fuller.
Cold
turkey
worked
for
me...
did I
tell
you?
I
quit
one
year
ago
today!

All Clear

A couple of days ago my Dad phoned at around 9pm, I always get worried at that time of night as to some thing being wrong. In this instance it was good that I answered the phone. Great news followed as my Pa told me he'd been back to the hospital where it all started months ago with the Aneurysms,from discovery to surgery then out then back in for minor repairs to the previous surgery. He's had the all clear. Now my dilemma is my beautiful new family in Canada, I'm holding back telling them as their Dad has just been diagnosed with Cancer. They always ask how my dad is, as he had the same operation as Burt... now Burt has come through his 3 surgery's and is looking grim as to his life before him. I can't ... I don't want to be happy talking to them as they are going through so much upset and pain right now, as I am with them every step of the way. I am so HAPPY that my dad's better.... what should I do?

Aggressive

Numb is how I feel today,
something to do with life.
I really thought the meds
were beginning to work, but
now I'm slowly slipping down
the ramp into the abyss... I
feel like I've failed myself
I hate to trample on others
feet. My mouth is small, my
heart is full of pain, and if
that wasn't enough I have
received bad news from afar.
My life is nothing when I
compare my sister's pain..
Cancer is gettin the better
of him... it doesn't look
good. If Liver and Colon
wasn't shitty enough..
the results of the CT scan
show it's now spread to
his spine, lymph, lungs..
from his liver and that
massive tumour they
found in his colon last
time. So I have no
right to complain..
my new found family
from across the pond
are struggling with the
on going thought of
losing their Dad..
time limit..who knows.
Chemo is an option, but
at 73 yrs old..to fill
his body full of nasty
aggressive chemicals,
to attack this awful
aggressive cancer
which is rapidly
taking away his life?
And I thought my life
was bad..... I still
feel numb.... I read
the E mail that my
sister sent, I read
it twice, I still
can't take in those
dreaded words... I'm
going to lose my new
adopted dad... I feel
the grief which explodes
in me... the anger from
deep wthin... I'm numb.

~Spiky~

Spiky left this blog sphere some months ago... not sure of how many to be precise.
It's not the same with out her.... I don't know about any one else but even though I'd never actually met her face to face, spoken to her on the phone... I felt I knew her... like a distant sister, best friend. If you manage to read this Spiky... I hope you are taking great care of you and your family. I wish you all the very best in life... and one day you will have that ride on my badassmotherfucker of a motorbike...that I just know must happen. I realise that people in blog land are very busy with their lives... mine of late has been very busy particularly at work... gone from a normal 40 hr shift to a 45 hr shift, getting up at silly times of the day...short term and I made sure with my boss I get time off later, I aint stupid...wouldn't do it unless there was some thing in it for me ;). Any how digressing from the story. I wish you health ~ wealth ~ and most of all happiness Spiky my dear... And don't let the bastards wear you down.
Keep writing your amazing stories and may be one day when the dust has settled, you might return to blog land and put a big smile on my face.... or may be not, which ever way life comes.... just keep on being you Spiky... You are beautiful, sexy, funny. talented... and I miss you x

Cancer

I had a phone call from Burt in Canada, that's my new relative, cousin to my other half. He's had his other operation for his fourth Aneurysm and all went well, however the bad news is......
Imagine sitting in the consultants room with this man in a white coat when he says, well the good news is...blah blah blah.. but we did however find some..... your hearts misses a beat, your mouth becomes dry... your heart races.... you have a nasty taste in your mouth... then he says... we have discovered cancerous spots on your liver. You world stops there n then. You don't believe what you're hearing. You look at each other as though you've never laid eyes on each other before... The doctor then announces Burt will have to undergo a camera up your back passage.... and one down your throat. I've just had an E mail off Kim his daughter, my new sister... the hospital have confirmed he has a tumour on his Colon along with the one on his liver.....OH SHIT it aint looking good! I haven't told my other half yet as he's gone on a bikers (men only) bikin holiday to Spain, due back next Wednesday, he celebrates his birthday on the Thursday, out for a birthday meal on the Friday night, so by next Saturday when everything has happened and settled, I have to sit him down and break the news to him, his cousin's got cancer....His cousin is more like a second dad to him. I'm not looking forward to it one little bit. I worry about my parents, Dad's been in and out of hospital just lately... he's covered in scars... and now he has to piss into a bag!!! There goes his dignity!! My mother has been diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arhtritis apparently she's riddled with it..... can't wait for old age to kick in eh?

Disaster

Today I went to work whilst wearing
a tubular bandage on my lower left arm.
Not a soul asked me what I'd done..
until after lunch when I realised that
the world was now actually awake!
The main question was..'what had I
done to my arm?' I replied 'whilst
climbing the bloody damson tree
I slipped and caught my arm on
the rough bark.. it's nothing
really.' That appeared to go
down quite well actually...
No I'm not lying, well in a
way I guess I am. Please don't
judge me either, I had enough
of that with my first session
with the not so delightful
councilor a couple of weeks
ago, who in her infinite
wisdom decided to label me
butch due to the way I dress.
I phoned the doctor's today
and cancelled my next three
appointments with the so called
councilor, I don't think we would
have got on terribly well..
So for now I'm back to the
beginning.. I'm now quiet again,
don't wish to talk to no one..
I actually thought I was
getting some where.. still
not sure if this world is
for me!! Still takin my
meds.. still not drinkin
alcohol. Treated myself
to a packet of brand new
razor blades the other
day... Sat really quite
quietly on my bed yesterday..
steady hand, not a note
of panic anywhere..
I was in total control,
and the first sign of
blood made me smile..
it didn't hurt.. I had
prepared coverage and
tissues at the ready.
Be prepared is my motto.
So I fell out of the
bloody damson tree..
easy really when ya
think about it. This is
my business,
I have come to judge
no one, so no-one
should judge me...
I feel free when
I cut myself...
end of!

My Dad

After my fathers operation back in June this year, all was going well until he started to experience blood loss with no pain or warning. After considerable episodes he decided enough was enough. Doctors appointment made. The doctor was very thorough, the nurse patched him up.. a phone call made and my dad is collected this time by Ambulance back to Leicester Royal Infirmary to be mended. The doctor thinks that he contracted some kind of infection either from the plastic tube they implanted into him.. or some other way.. but I would have thought that if he had an infection he would feel poorly, under the weather? He had neither of these complaints. So he has had the operation to remove the plastic tube from his lower groin area, where upon the first aneurysm was, but they have had to cut a fresh wound just above the original one. The surgeon took a piece of vein from his arm, but that wasn't big enough so they took a piece of vein from his leg.. the poor man will have scars all over him! I am visiting him today with my Mum. He phones my mum several times a day, as up until last time he was in hospital ..they haven't been apart from each other for so long. She gets lonely... doesn't eat well, they are both diabetic.. he hates hospital food.... who likes the food in these places?? He has had several blood tests and the main test being they will grow a culture which will take anything from 10 to 14 days where hopefully it will give some clue as to why he suffered the blood loss and suspected infection in the first place.

Happy Anniversary

Yesterday to the day in 1983.
I got all dressed up to meet
this man I'd fallen in love
with.. to meet him at the
alter, with all our family
and friends to witness...
to say these words followed
by two very important words
'I DO'.. and we did, that
was a day to remember..
we remembered the day
yesterday with cards
and a nice meal out just
him and me... 28 years
is a mightily long time.
He's stood by me through
thick n thin.. I am his
wife, the mother of his
off spring..I don't think
we've done too bad all
these years... I still
love him, I always will.

Highs & Lows

Nothing changes
my lack of feelings
have gone away..
they say it's the
medication...
it's not that
I'm staying
awake.. I can
sleep for
England but I
awake feeling
totally shattered.
Time will tell
if the meds
have got it
sussed..some
days I feel
almost good,
then whack..
I've taken
two steps
forward and
several back.
I'm constantly
tired.. got
black circles
under my eyes.
Yesterday I
was laughing
and joking..
I thought it
had worked..
It had not,
today I felt
worse.. still
no alcohol,
I've even lost
weight.. I'm
so counting
on the meds
actually
performing
some kind of
miracle....
the doc says
it should make
a difference in
a couple of months!!!
Hell shit three
months is a long
time, I'm hoping
this so called
miracle appears
pretty soon so
I can crack open
a long awaited
can of beer to
fuckin celebrate,
if it's not too
late?!!

Random ramblings of desperate depressionist!!!!

Even though I haven't had one juicy ( terribly missed ) glass of any kind of alcohol in the last three weeks...almost.. my dreams are very colourful, vibrant and surreal! When I did drink.. my dreams became almost scary... but not to the point of waking up scary. Last night I dreamt I was lost whilst out on my motorbike and I managed to drop her not one but three times... and without loss of ability to pick her up again. So you can imagine that when I got up this morning and found the weather to be ideal for riding my Yamaha FZ8, I was slightly nervous... to say the least! I did have a near death experience last week when following a car at roughly 70mph, he decides to stop thus slamming on his brakes... 'I' slammed on mine too, which.... sent my back wheel into the locking position and my front wheel then wobbling erratically whilst 'I' tried my best to stay on.... it was fuckin scary, and I left a long black rubber line where my tyre skidded on the tarmac.. but I survived to ride another day. I have had one or two surreal episodes since taking the medication... and wonder if it is in fact the medication that has sent my mind into over drive.... alas my body has not followed and still feel constantly tired!! My first hour with the councillor last Tuesday was one I shall not forget in a hurry.... I have three more appointments to come.... and she will be giving me home work.... I have some more questions for her myself so I expect it to get very heated in there.... I just hope I can eventually find my inner peace and have a fricken drink of wine to celebrate my triumph.

Raw

Words exchanged, feelings raw.
sitting awkwardly..thinking I've
so been here before. Knots in
my stomach..mouth kind of dry.
To think that just two weeks
ago I'd have given anything
to die. Brought out the
weapons of mass destruction
last night, and without a
stiff drink I quite calm
started to calve my way out.
Steady as she goes, first
cut is the deepest, the rest
come with ease. To be asked
if I was happy... blank
expression, is there such
a thing? I want to find
my inner peace, to be calm.
When I have found that I
think I will have reached
my goal. It's a long journey
it's going to take all my
strength and then some more.
I have to be happy with me
then the rest should fall
into place... but until
that day, I shall remain
without a true smile
upon my face. My feelings
are raw, cut wide open..
like I mentioned earlier..
I've been here before.

Darkness

Soft sweet..sticky
like the sap of a
tree. Cut this
darkness away..
now I shall scream
with tears in
my eyes..and
I shall call
this Euphoria.

Pissed.................off!

The one thing I hadn't
given up until last week
was alcohol... then the
sweet doctor lady gave
me not only a form to
fill in to decide how
depressed I was.. didn't
actually tell me I wouldn't
be allowed alcohol whilst
taking these anti-depress
pills...which has depressed
me even further. Now I can
hear you all saying that
alcohol is a depressant..
yeah I get that but I
don't smoke anymore,
I can't eat chocolate,
I now can't have a tipple
either because this
shitty world we survive
in, or at least try to
survive in has sent me
'WACKO' for the record.
Some one at work last
week did however suggest
I tried ...wait for it..
'Alcohol-free' stuff.
So I tried it, I've
never tasted cat piss
before but I'm guessin
this alcohol free beer
resembles cat piss !!!
So why do we still call
it beer if it doesn't
have that curtain kick to
it, that... let me see,
'Alcohol' in it? Ya may
as well not 'FRICKEN
BOTHER !!!!!!!!!!!!!
So yeah I'm more fricken
DEPRESSED no cuz the one
thing I could still
have in life 'WAS' a drink,
So now that's out of my
FRICKEN SYSTEM!!!!!!!

Blink

Sitting in the waiting room,
bells ring, children play
with toys collected in the
corner.. clanking about
not a care in the world.
I sat for what felt like
an eternity there..face
sore, eyes dried from
every angle I've cried.
Eyelashes stick, energy
levels low.. my name is
called I have to go.
Tap on the door, I enter
in.. I'm here to say
what I'm not feeling..
Sitting on this lonely
chair.. shaking. Crumpled
paper tissue in hand. Step
one to say what is wrong..
or what isn't right. My eyes
blurred, tears imminent..
blinking with waves of
emotion.. why do we
apologise? 'Sorry,'
I blurt out, hand shake
time for time out.
Form to fill in..
can't see my eyes
out of focus 'Sorry,'
I whisper, not wantin
to shout. She reads
the questions for me,
I nod my head, she
ticks the boxes..
'Ar yes..' you have
depression.. is it
all in my head?
I'm now the proud
owner of these
tablets...just one
a day.. bummer is..
alcohol.. I have to
leave it out!!!!!!!
Back to work, not a
good one at that.
Everything I've
touched has either
broken or not worked.
I walk around tryin
not to get eye contact
which isn't easy where
I work, too many prying
eyes... wantin to know
why I look like I've
cried. Eyes to the
floor, door opens, I
blink some more. I'm
fed up of people askin
me am I alright? Yeah
I know they're concerned
but I just want to be l
left alone. Hugs from
the guys.. keep ya chin
up it'll be alright.
I couldn't wait to
get home.. I hope I
feel better soon,
I miss my sunshine!

Waiting to Jump

Steel the light..
to ease the pain..
sterilize the blade,
steady hand....then
try again. No pain
no gain..right? I've
been here before..
every one thinks
you're ignoring
them, I'm not..
I just want to
be left alone.
New blades..a
whole new game.
Aim to please,
it's a fucking
laugh..criticism
is like being
skinned alive.
I like red...
I wanna go lie
down now. You
ever wondered
what it feels
like to be...
dead? Is there
an after life?
Do I believe
in God? He died
for us right?
Did it hurt
when they
nailed him to
the cross?
Jesus Christ
endured the
pain.. did
he spit his
dummy out?
My dear mother
has always told
me I should
have been a man.
Am I a dick?
Parents can
be so fuckin
cruel, so why
is it I still
try to please
them.. I don't
love me..never
have.. so no
I'm not avoiding
anyone, I'm just
trying to be me,
if that includes
spitting, pain..
blood and blades
then that is who
I believe I am.


I'm just venting
my anger.. I don't
wish to offend..
God forbid...
There I go again.


Poetry helps me,
pain n blood are
just a few of the
ingredients.. I'm
by no means a
drama queen..
I'm not a drag
queen, maybe I
should give it
a go.. sex change?
Ya never know.. it
might just be the
one thing in my
pitiful life that
will turn me
into happy?
If there is
such a thing?!

Blurry eyed

Lost in this dark ses pit of life.
Cold and alone... crying eyes..dried.
Blurry vision.. palpitations..fear
of the not knowing...panic attacks.
The first step is to admit, first to
yourself you require help.. that is the
first step, I took that step last week,
I had a chat with my sister Cindy in
Canada... she's been through what I'm
not feeling right now.. I have lost
myself in this world.. my feelings
are in turmoil.. I cry.. I shout,
I'm here for everyone but have
forgotten about how to look after
number one.. I'm going for help..
I need to set my head straight..
I have so many issues.. I don't
know where to start..I might
tread on a few feet along the
way... but hey, the only word
that rhymes with hey & way! I
don't smile much these days..
Cindy is there for me, she got
me to open up.. that's a start
right? I have a heart..but it
aches so god damn much of late.
Sticky eye lids, dried with spent
tears.. I have to go there.. to
chat.. to face my fears..

Blogs that rock !

OK peeps, it's come to my attention that there are some amazin bloggers out there.
So before I go to Canada on Tuesday.. I have decided to dig deep into my pocket of lurve and pull out some names that 'keep it coming' so to speak. I have a big heart. Plenty of room for these and many other peeps who in their infinite wisdom create such mind blowing stories which on my darkest of days.. brighten my world and in my book that's one hell of a lift for me... I love you all for doing that.

So here we have it...as we say in England: Drum roll please...............

Nitebyrd..

Spikyzorajones..

Ubermouth..

pleaseatme..

Something savage comes this way..

Red shoes...

Krippled Warrior..

Bama Trav..

red.neck chic..

So there you have it..

These people rock my world, come collect your award. I LOVE you all, equally.


Indi

mwuah !! XX

And the name is........

'Nitebyrd' ...... my new toy!

Badassmotherfucker

Well my lovely wonderful audience out there in blog sphere..
I have been awake since 5 a.m.. done me a lazy 8 hour shift.
Gave a chunk of money to the collection for my friend who
died on Monday... the funeral is next Friday... I will be
thinking of her as I will be in Canada fighting off the
mosquito's and having fun with my extended family...I
can't wait. I have got three weeks off now.. out with
friends tomorrow night.. collect my new motorbike also
tomorrow... I have decided on new name for her...am
guessing you want to know what I have decided upon?
I shall be shutting up shop here for the next couple
of weeks... time out is what I need to get back into
step with reality.. I need to re-charge my batteries.
Slow down and take a breath. I may have some more
amazing poetry for you when I come back..then again
I may not have anything exciting to write. I have it
all planned from now until I fly on Wednesday.. My dad
is gettin better by the day, he will get stronger, his
appetite is improving, his wound is weeping but this
was to be expected. The important matter is he is out
of danger and no longer in pain... the rest will follow
with the capable hands of my Mum who is an excellent
cook.. but I worry about them both because they are
both diabetic... and they worry about me because I
ride a badassmotherfucker of a (soontobenew) motorbike!
I never swear in front of my parents... just hope they
never find out... but hey we all gotta have some secrets
right?

And here she is

My brand new bike.... all I got to do now is think of a name for her.....

Any bright ideas? Aint she Awesome?! This one is blue but mine is black, slick, sexy, sophisticated... fast!!

Shock

I heard some very sad news today, everyone at work heard the same sad news.
One of our staff members fell ill at the weekend... I was meant to attend the party held for us , by the company we work for... I've had Gastro-enteritis all week, dropped half a stone in weight, haven't eaten properly in days... anyway so I didn't go to the party, and by all accounts it was a good one. Our friend attended the party but some one said she'd felt poorly so didn't stay long, her friend took her home. Unbeknown to anyone she did at some point go to the hospital...

We received an E mail today to say that with great sadness she had passed away.
We all feel saddened by this shocking news. She was 60 years old..........


I still can't believe it...........

Ball gag anyone?

Well with our European tour out of the way but with fond memories and still many undeveloped photos yet to be printed, we now look forward to the holiday we booked last year for this year. Canada here we come and it's not that far away. I have one more week to work then I break up for three weeks. We have thought about the trips we have taken, come to the conclusion that we take way to many clothes.. and have decided NOT to take more than we actually need. SO... we shall be taking one small holdall bag on the the plane... that's it. What we can't get in it stays at home. So the list may include.... mosquito repellent, for sure! Toothbrush... clean knix,one bra, camera. Camcorder. One pair of comfy shoes (purple!) So far so good. Now for the interesting stuff... baby oil in air tight container (lube!) Porn for those quiet nights of itchy insect bitten evenings... maybe I won't read it, but it's a must, even for the bag inspection at te airport.. OH and those body searches... makes me feel damp just thinking about those butch women tracing the out line of my panties...(that's for another story!!)
Now back to reality (boring!) Sun screen for my fairer skin... don't wanna burn!! I have this tiny red spot come blister on the left side of my spine... it may be nothing, will have to keep my eye on it.. 'Neah' it's possibly just a red blister type spot....
Time to make a list of item I seriously don't want waving around by security... scene from 'The L word' strap ons and vibrators..role playing I think, the woman wanting to be the man... the other woman wanting a big had cock up her pussy..... can't say I blame her...I'd love to wear a strap on for another woman..... ball gag anyone?!!
So .... where was I? Oh yeah...Canada... here we come... for two weeks this time... questions to be asked of could we afford to come live there? I have in the past dreamt of this idea, but now I think it is just a Meir fantasy .... the roads are too flat, I love hills for my soon to be new bike... more about that next time... New bike? I hear you ask ...... yeah I found another bike I've kinda fell in love with....finger's crossed I get. So I gotta dash now, off to meet a girlfriend... back seat of the movies... going to meet a friend to go see a film.... should be funny, by all accounts it is. Be good people, I have no intention of doing so hahahahahahahahahah.........


Indi

x

Sigh

The instant ring, that
punctual sting as the
phone rang, I raced
through the hall,
slipped sideways
hittin my elbow
on a half closed
wooden door.
'Hello?' I replied,
to the rapturous
sigh of that
frail man on
the other end
of the line.
'Hi love..'
came the reply
followed by my
exhausted sigh,
tears rolling
down my face.
My heart's
been in a whirl.
Hawk eyes on
the house phone,
willing it to
ring, and
eventually
it did.. with
my Dad at the
end, his voice
shaky, his palette
dry... once again
I started to cry.

2

At first they thought it was 1.
Taking a second peep they now
tell us it's 2, due to be cut
and sorted tomorrow some time.
He phones my Mum every day..
to say that he loves her..
hates being alone there..
hate the food they feed
him.. the antiseptic
smell there. He calls
my brother to say he
loves him. He chats
with me every day to
say he loves me..and
we all reply 'we love
you too Dad.' My mind
is lost with images
of a man so frail,
so thin..old. My
image of this once
strong capable man,
my Dad who as a child
held s much respect
and still do, who
was brought up not
to answer back, be
cheeky.. watch your
manners, your P's
n Q's. A man who
is so tall, so
proud yet so
private in his
love for my Mother,
not to hold hands
in public view.
I see this man,
I hear his warm
voice so full
of fear, my love
for him could
conquer all.
His voice is
so frail on
the phone, slow
and not sure
of his next
move. He shuffles
about as though
his laces be
tied. The lines
around his eyes..
like so much in
many ways like
his sister..
she is the
oldest..yet
they have so
many similar
mannerisms.
My hand as a
child fitted
so well into
his large capable
hands..strong..
loving..well
worked hands.
He wears his
slippers all
the time now,
his feet ache.
I wanted to
take him some
nice green juicy
grapes.. he
said not, he
wouldn't be able
to eat them.
My heart's
breaks.

Rain

Goose bumps ripple
my flesh shivers
as the blood
engorges the
hood of my
clit. Legs
a kimber,
sweaty brow
a tremble,
Euphoria
strangles
my throat.
Stumbling..
reaching..
embracing
every inch
whilst cry-
ing out, this
orgasm has
reclaimed
my soul..
droplets
run, no..
cascade.
Blindfold
removed,
light stabs
my vision,
blinking..
my legs
fold like
a broken
umbrella.
Skies like
rain.

Projectile

Projectile,
something
that comes
with such
a force it
damn near
knocks you
off your
feet, but
as I was
kneeling
to begin
with it
was so
easy. open
my mouth
try not
to think.
I think
I've had
food poison-
ing..
I can't
remember
the last
time I was
so violently
sick...
The muscles
in my abdomen
ache, the
flesh from
my chest
up into
my throat
hurt. I
burnt that
dangly
thing at
the back
of my throat
with the acid
that choked
the puke
that sailed
through my
crying corpse
last Friday.
In and out
of bed, pints
of water
drank. Covers
on.. covers
off.. sleep
I got none!
Saturday I
felt so cold,
I didn't even
look at food.
Then came
the finale,
sitting on
the toilet
was like
turning on
the taps!!
I eventually
had to wash
the sheets,
what I thought
was a'fart'
happened so
god damn fast.
So I called
in a sickie
today, my first
in over 18
months. I
haven't eaten
in two whole
days.. I have
no appetite a
yet. AND I've
weighed myself,
'WOW' I've
puked up at
least half
a stone!
Detox..
throwin
up, boffin,
pukin, what
ever you
wish to call
it, it's
all the same.
I have no NRG,
So I'm stayin
put toady. I
hope I regain
my love of
food back
soon or I
may just
waist
away!

Daddy

My dad's 76,
take a look
what do you
think? He's
aged in two
years. He's
become an
old man..
mum's words
not mine.

He's been having
stomach pains,
the kind that
knock you off
your feet. He
has lost his
appetite too,
and to add to
it all he is..
as my mum is
Diabetic, but
to name but a
few other problems.
He had a scan, they
whipped him
into hospital
last Wednesday
afternoon. He's
still there.
We now know
what the problem
is, what was
knockin him
off his feet.
A deeper scan
showed that he
has an Aneurysm
in the lower
part of his
stomach..and
of course it's
much bigger
than first
thought! My
Mum's missin
him like crazy,
they hate bein
apart.....
We went to see
him last week.
At last we have
figured out
the problem,
he'll have an
operation some
time next week.
Now, I know he's
in good hands,
if it doesn't go
to plan..we're
talkin about a
frail 76 year
old man.. If it
should burst..
If it bursts
then I'm afraid
he will die.
Fingers
eyes and legged
crossed.. for
many years to
come of spendin
happy years of
watchin him and
my Mum grow even
older together.
He doesn't like
the food in there,
his sugar level's
gone through the
bloody roof!! He
has a condition,
caused by the
stroke that stops
him from tasting
his grub. We
take him fruit
and cream, fresh
bread made by his
wife..in sickness
and in health..
to death do us..
My Brother's drivin
up on Tuesday to take
care of our Mum n Dad,
I phone and visit her
regularly, every day
that's my plan. She's
only three miles up
the road, she hates
being on her own.
Call me Mum if you
need anything.. I'm
here for you, you know.
Get well daddy, I love
you...

Ride to live - Live to ride

For the past two weeks I've been in world far apart from this one.
My other half and myself have been to Europe.. well from Plymouth to northern Spain down through amazing towns and tiny little undiscovered country side with awesome views. Stunning is the word I can only describe the scenery. The first week we spent tootlin round Spain, that was HOT!! I knew the sun would be warm, a nice change from this English topsy turvy climate. I knew riding a motorbike in heat would take it out of me... I think I lost half a stone in sweat the first few days but being away from normal life, being away and enjoying myself is what it was all about. So until I get to figure out how to down load these beautiful photos on to this aging laptop, you'll all have to try and imagine what the views were like. The roads in France and Spain in particular were made for bikers.. they went on forever.. and so did my speed. I converted my mileometer into kilometres which gave me some rough idea of how fast I should be going and how fast I knew I could get away with on the lonely roads with never ending tarmac that lead to golden heat riddled euphoria. I'd got a few worries about riding at such high speed... I have had an amazing time and really given myself time to adjust my abilities. However my husband wasn't so lucky. He came back home after a nasty experience on a bend in France on the way to Switzerland.. he took a bend wide, the front wheel took hold of the roughness of the surface.. his front wheel got away from him, he tried to control the bike but as all you bikers know that when the bike decides to go you can't do much to stop it. Fortunately there was a barrier there... I'd hate to think what might have happened had there not have been a barrier there!!! But the worst moment for me was I was following him around the corner, I witnessed him lose control of the bike, I saw how he battled for what appeared to be forever to get the bike back... then I watched as he fell off the bike. It all happened so fast.. but he's survived, yes it could have been alot worse, but he has superficial friction burns to his left elbow and left knee. Has the barrier not have been there... I don't think I would have a husband now and for sure the children would not have a father. The bike is to be written off. He's been made a good offer.. oh fuck the bike, he is way more important than the bike... 'OH' and I think his pride took a scuffle too. All in all we visited Spain-northern, France-Andorra, Belgium... Switzerland, back into France and home again on the Euro tunnel. I've yet to get my million n one photo's developed.. I have the good memories inside my head.. I still my man.. the kids still have their father. 3,000 miles we covered in 14 days. I'm glad I faced my fear of bends I came through and loved all of it. We will do another trip, but I've told my other half that he should take bends with more care next time...or I'll kill him!!

Early start

Early start, alarm clock set.
Packed bike gear? Not yet..
What to take and what not,
things that will fit in,
the items that will not!
Sunscreen is a must..
toothbrush, medication
clean knickers and such.
Passports ready, paper
work too.. it's all a
bit too much..time to
start relaxing, get
my strength up for
the ride.. Saturday
will soon be here,
time to get excited,
time to say goodbyes.
Camera, sunglasses,
satnav. Nerves of
steal... time to
realise that with
head screwed on tight.
A good nights sleep,
we'll be ready for
the ferry..heart
in my mouth, sea
legs? I don't have.

Silence is golden

Silence was golden for a short while,
then the joy of knowing what exactly
my problem was, and how it could be
resolved. Time out has been good for
me... but if you have to do certain
things on the Internet then you are
in so many words 'fucked!' I however
do not have to use the Internet for
such dealings... like normal people
I actually go to the bank, it's a
largish building with money inside
of it. My other half has spent the
last two weeks trying to find the
fault for our sudden disappearance
of this Internet...pain in the arse
problem... India sounds quite close
on the other end of the phone, the
Indian man knew what he was talking
about when my other half explained
the problem. 'Well, you see it says
here (in India..that you are connected
to the Internet) but here in sunny
green England... it was bloody obvious
we were NOT connected!! Several times
he called India..who were adamant we
were connected... we were NOT!! And
so on, this carried on for days.
To cut this boring story short..
and several swear words later, not
by me but the 'other half,' we
spoke to a man in this country,
(how much is it to call India?!!)
I don't care how much the fricken
phone call will be.. I haven't
missed the bloody Internet at all
and after the first week, was
really quite happy if I never used
it again... I go to the bank..the
building with the money inside.
So here I am once again.. back
with the 'Internet' but not for
long. On Saturday we're off on
our 'Jollies' (holiday ;P)..
Two weeks of no INTERNET!!
Can't wait. Hello.......
and soon to be goodbye.

Indi
;)xx

'Some things.....'

I've come to that junction in life again where so much is happening in my life right now... I really don't have anything much of interest to talk about. I am in the process of getting ready for my Motorbike European holiday which will I have no doubt be totally amazing. We are also in the process of decorating our dining room.. or though it's been known as the 'middle' room for the past 28 years because it's situated in the middle of the lounge (at one end) and the kitchen (at the other end) so it's the middle room... just to add confusion to the story... the living room is actually called the 'end' room as it's at the end of the house. Right that sorted. I have a half decorated dining room, my aim was when I started it on Monday of this week, my intention was to get it finished for tomorrow night as I am having a dinner party... cooked by yours truly!! So I have zap energy left, early morning starts for work... 8 hour shifts of tedious cleaning rituals... cycling to and from work on my trusted knackered yellow mountain bike...squeaks n all!Then back again after work. tidy up, wash pots..think about what the hell to cook for dinner, throw it down my throat with a couple bottles Spanish beer (yummy) then tackle the wallpaper dept,. Our walls are not straight as the house was built many years ago (spirit levels hadn't been invented!) So we start at the top of the wall and either end up over lapping or not touch at all at the bottom!! Wonderful... and the language is colourful too!! So OK I've just written a colourful paragraph of some things... 'Aha' my title 'Some things' (smiling) see cheered up already. I have yet to go do my other fabulously amazing task I absolutely adore (NOT!!) Food shopping, I'd rather slash my wrists!! BUT we have to eat, wipe our arses and clean our teeth so I'm guessing it's kind of important I go to the super market.. buy some more shares and lose my rag with the trolley with wheels from hell...whilst listening to distant screams of uncontrollable rants of children who have broken free of there parental bonds....Hmmmm now where are my earplugs? Here's hoping our friends don't mind sitting in a half decorated room with no curtains!!! Joyful ;)

Indi.. Oh and peeps, whatever you get up to this weekend... have a good one!!

Disappeared

Last week I was having problems with this wonder thing they call the Internet.
One day I turned on my laptop to find out one of my cookies had been disabled.
Why? I have no fuckin idea... so I tried to un-disable the biscuit~cookie! I
now have a blog but then on another day, this machine told me I had to wait
whilst 'Blogger' made a few tweeks here n there! So after considerable delay...
I finally get to turn my faithful laptop on to find the first 3 comments left by nitebyrd, Bama Trav & Ubermouth.. have been wiped off and I'm back to 0 comments.
I don't know what happened to any of this... I'm not very computer literate so if
all goes 'TITS' up I'm generally 'fucked!' So what I want to know is have any
of you peeps out there experienced any difficulties with this marvellous thing
we call the 'Internet?' That's all really.... life's a bitch then you realise
it was 'MAN' who invented the fricken thing!!!!

Shit Proof

Out on my bike 'Spike,'
today I learnt how to
fly... like the wind.
My fear used to be
downward sliding
hills with bends
enough to make
any unsuspecting
novis.. throw up.
Off to Europe in
five weeks time,
time to navigate
some real white
knuckle rides..
time to get
shit proof with
my abilities..
safety bein a
small aspect
of every day
ridin. How to
execute my
next ride..
play safe?
Neah...not
me.. I like
to ride like
the wind, say
hello to Satin.
Kiss my mother
fuckin ass....
hahahahahahaha
hahahahaha..as
you can see I
don't give a
flyin fuck.. I
need that added
ingredient...
you know what I
mean? Adrenalin
rush, push the
limits, show
me what ya made
of. If we never
fail how do we
know if we can
succeed? That
is the burning
question I keep
asking.... push
to the limits
and when you're
tired realise
this.. you can go
twice the distance
again and again..
Shit proof..
ride to live, live
to ride......
Jesus sits behind
me, I have the
devil on my
handle bars!

Flesh wound

Deeply throw wide your heart.
Unwrap these steal blades of
mistrust. You have grossly
misunderstood my intention.
I bleed with each old breath,
time hasn't healed my wounds,
they've sprung a leak...
Taken aside how this may
look, this portrait you
call love. Air brush away
the mistakes..give me space.
For all the lies you wrote,
poison ink overload.
And now I stand before
judge and dury........
I took the path, the road
with a view.. and like
a fool....fell in love
with you. I won't
be back, I've packed
my heart away... my
troubled mind still
remains. Wrap gently
this fragile soul..
shut out the light,
old memories died
with all my yesterdays.

Celebrations ...yay !!

Hello fellow bloggers.. I have come to the conclusion that it is time to give an award. This is for bloggers who rock my world...
I would love to give each one of you who I consider to be of great personality and grace, fine writings and funnies aside. We/this world .. many continents have had shit weather, disasters.. human life lost.. and what with the economic climate stinging us every step of the way... I feel it is time to put all this behind us for now and give ourselves a big hug.. If I was there I'd be giving the hugging.. with several hot kisses along the way, not to mention lashings of alcohol. ;)

So my list of 'Blogs that rock my world' are:-

1. nitebyrd

2. Something Savage comes this way

3. Spikyzorajones.

4. Ubermouth

5. pleaseatme

6. red.neck chic

7. Bama Trav.

For these are my favourite people who over the years of my blogging.. have supported me, made me laugh, been there to help give me a shoulder to cry on when I've needed to. These I consider to be friends even though we have never actually met one another. So come collect your awards. You get to keep them forever, you don't even have to pass them on to some one else, the rules of engagement have changed. ENJOY !!

Indi n out.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Haunting

I felt the air cool,
around half past ten.
I heard little voices
laughing in the other
room. I called out..
put the tv station
on pause.. got up from
my seat, opened the
door...called out to
see if any one was
there...

A ghostly aura hit
me between the blades
of my frozen shoulder.
H-el-lo? I tried once
more. I could sense
my feet sticking to
the lounge floor..
I must have been
mistaken.. takin
the weight off my
feet. The door shut.
My heart missed
a beat. Ten minutes
passed when again
I heard this voice,
little girl laugh-
ing..as she did
before. I felt
a cold chill
severe the cord
to my spine, noises
of mystery things
going bump..jump?
I packed away my
laptop, startin
singin nervously
out loud. Turned
off the lights
retired to bed,
burying my neck
far below the
crumpled pillow,
where upon I
rested my troubled
head. Lights out,
all is quiet..did
I? Was I imagining
all this.. I know
we have a ghost,
not seen her for a
while, things go
from every day
normaility..
last night I
didn't imagine
it, I heard a
small child
laughing.. I
did.

Last Supper

Share my biscuit, share my head.
Give your heart and I'll share my bed.
To eat a meringue sends shivers down my spine,
the first bite, crunchy n soft n full of mystical delight.
Slowly I lower my hand beneath the fabric of your existence.
With curly hair...I fumble beneath my touch...to love..to feel
the softness of your flesh, depth has no despair nor emptiness.
My eyes..stare, looking back I see your face.
The need to cry out loud grows inside of you..
like a separate growing orgasm...
straining your release.
And when the release comes,
reverberated inside of you..
with the power of a nuclear explosion.
It was the most erotic experience
you've ever had.
I broke the silence first.
Our finger's entwined,
like knots in string,
abandonment......
total release

Oh Shit.

On the way to work this beautiful morning I happened to witness a man? on a motor bike coming around the corner towards me and what I can only assume fairly fast. He got the bike to almost lie down.... 'bloody ell' I thought as the machine screeched along the tarmac.. which quickly turned into a louder screech of metal actually draggin across the road, he was lying down almost makin love to the road..at which point I thought he's not going to make the corner... and he didn't make the corner. His, what I assume must have been his exhaust pipe dragged over the surface of the road throwing him off it,... it then spun toward the curb...mounted the curb...ending up in the ditch. The guy followed via his leathers and rolled over several times with the speed of which he fell off the bike, coming to a halt just a few feet away from his now dented bike. I couldn't believe my eyes... this all happened less than 10 foot of me... I slowed down pedaling.
I rushed over to him. He did get up quite calmly removed his lid, unzipped his jacket and I said to him. ' You OK?' he was OK but I'm thinking his bike wasn't OK! I asked him how he was thinking of retrieving his bike. He pulled out a mobile phone and starting ringing his mate.. who'd apparently got a trailer. Judging by the state of his leathers, which by the way might have been expensive, they usually are.. they were wrecked, but better the second skin being leather rather than his own skin...ouch! He had a very lucky escape... indeed!

Melt down!

So this is it.
Complete
silence.
Flash ya
tits..
me fully
clothed.
Dirty
thoughts
of
whatever
it was
what you
or I did
or didn't
fuckin
say. To
this day
I still
aint sorry
I won't
apologise
so don't
hold ya
breath.
Yeah I've
changed..
not for
the best.
I am me,
love me
or not..
I don't
give a
flyin
fuck no
more.

Songs for Euphoria

I wanna run my fingers
through your hair ....
Feel your touch, to
know that you are there.
Kiss your sweet tender
lips, trace my tongue
around your juicy pink
nips.. come play a while
come kiss me deep..
Play my heart strings
make me sing..Euphoria
awaits your love..

Horizons

This is where I live, for the past 27 years
I have lived here, from newly weds, raisin
my children.. from cots to bigger beds..
flowers loaded with colour in flower beds.
The view from all angles is beautiful and
unspoilt.. I can walk to the river in less
than ten minutes.. When the sun comes out
my rooms fill with a brightness that no
other gift from mother nature can provide.
This house is over 400 years old. It has
dry rot, rising damp.. solid oak beams that
hold up the ceilings from kitchen to living
room. With nine rooms in total.. a garden
long enough to play cricket... apple trees
and honey bees, but alas no white turtle
doves! This house comes as part of the
job my other half has had for the last
forty two years. So what is my problem?
Due to his age... retirement age!! We
may have only twelve to eighteen months
left here.... this is my home.. for the
past twenty eight years...... Time to
start looking for some where else to
live.. time to down size, sell pretty
much all that we have.. our furniture's
way too big, I have a piano for sale,
you can have it for a hundred quid.
A three tier electric organ, my dad
gave to me. I don't have time to play
it... I never did. The buyer has to
collect, failing that it'll end up
in a skip. Car boot sales to sort..
the whole lot will have to go...
At first I was sad, but as it's
four walls and a roof, proof that
it only becomes a home when you
add the care and love and all things
family, trinkets, photos,fluffy love,
cushions Lot's of 'don't you knows.'
Time to have a bonfire .. judging
by how much stuff we've gathered
over the years..it's going to be
a bonfire to remember.. ya know.
Time to move on, this will be a
sad day... but with new horizons
to find...we'll survive, we'll be OK.

Hit a nerve

This hasn't been easy, from day one
all those years ago..but I've told
you all the story of how we evolved.
How you played me for a friend who when
prompted...kissed you without offence.
How we've walked on dodgy ground ever
since. Now the ball is in my court..
I may or may not kiss you good night.
For many years, you were the only
one, the only friend who would
kiss me on the lips.. but only
some times! Now I've come to
feel, to notice we/ I feel
awkward when we say good night.
I don't know how to react
any more, you leave me
standing at your door, I
usually just wave, turn
and walk. I sent you a photo
of you full frontal some
time, 3 weeks ago to be
exact.. I didn't need it
anymore, so I sent it
you back.. no harm done
I thought.. not expectin
two of me fully clothed
in return wit h a text
of how it didn't warrant
a reply, so I didn't..
reply. I think I
hit a nerve? What do you
say? But I'm not going
to apologise, it's not
that I am sorry... it was
just a photo of you with
your tits on show... I
just thought you'd under
stand? Obviously not!!
So if you happen to
read this.. may be not.
I've sent you a joke
on your phone...
we go through stages
where one of us usually
annoys the other.. go
for several weeks, months
without so much as a peep,
squeak...sound. Then we
stagger back to normal,
and carry on. I just
wonder for my sanity if
all those months ago..
when I severed the silence
told you I was no longer
sexually interested, not
that you ever were. If
I hadn't said how I felt,
if we had carried on..
being led a stray, kissin
me some times on the
lips.. would we be OK?
I think I've lost my
way.. you seem to be ever
so slightly awkward
when we go out for a
drink or for a film..
we just say how much
we enjoyed it.. I wave
turn and drive home.
So you see we have
evolved..in so many
different ways.. I
don't know how you
feel....as for the
tits out photo I sent,
I'm not saying sorry,
I am still your friend.

Scream

Fingers dancing.
Fists tightly
clenched..Pussie
wet, eyes rolling
conversation gone.
Brows sweaty, groin
becoming weak..
rub your fingers
around my clit.
Excite me..feel
the flesh between
finger and thumb..
my head is gettin
dizzy, my fire
has begun...
'OH MY GOD...'
Don't stop, infuse
my body with this
fire of my desire.
Feed me, rub faster,
FASTER 'YES OH YES..
YES.YESSS' 'OH YES'
'YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS..'
You made me hot,
you made me sweat,
suck my fingers..
they're all wet.
You are my fire,
I want all that
I desire......
Bring it on baby,
lets do it some
more.. as I throw
your slithery
sweaty body on
to the floor..
bite me, lick
me.. do your
best..entice
me, suck me,
fuck me..shove
your fingers in
my hole. Pump
with all that
your have..bring
it on baby, I
want to die
in your love.

New Design

OK so I've been playing around with my Indi site. I don't know how I've managed it but now I don't have all the 'Blogs that rock' where I wanted them... but bare with me and all should be resumed shortly. I keep changing the back ground, colour charts are pretty wicked on this old knakkered laptop of mine..
I've had a crap weekend.. lack of sleep and ample worry, Will fill you in about that some other time.. however I did have a lovely evening last night as I was taken out for a Mother's Day meal by my two lovely children who are 23 & 25 years old. Ate way too much, drank too much.. but all in all very nice. Time is boring right now, I still have nothing of interest to write about, oh apart from my daughter moving out to live with her boyfriend... Oh and I've had a considerable tax refund...very nice, that will pay for my new dentures... I know ..I know .. this isn't exactly interesting or gripping or Erotic but I'm rapidly losing interest again... the Internet these days is so crap. I used to love writing poems, songs.. little stories... I really cannot be arsed. I may just one day just disappear and never return..... I have more important things to worry about just now.

Loss ....

1~ Housing lists.

2~ Choices

3~ Money?

4~ Live in Ca

5~ Work?

6~ Live in Canada

7~ Emotions running high

8~ Sell m'bikes?

9~ Go live the dream

10~ Re house cats n dogs.

11~ Sell all that we own.

12~ Move to Canada

13~ Make the choice

14~We both want this

15~Fly away, a phone call away

16~ Move to Ca.

17~ This is just the beginning.

18~ Lets do it, I fell in love
with the country... let's do it..

19~ Lets go... seriously..

20~ I want this so badly.

Used to be

I used to have a little pink nipple,
the picture to my blog, but things
are just starting to change..so bare
with me...have a heart. I'm in the
middle of changin the way I get
things done.. photos and the
such are on my list of items
to get done. I'm not ready
to return just yet.. I do
what I do for me.. this
world of mine has changed
as I have recovered and
yet discovered what actually
makes me tick, so I won't
be back for a while longer,
I have things not yet
started, articles of life
that so often we take
for granted..blah blah
blah. That's all for
now folks, goodbye.

Enough for now ........

Savvy has given me this idea, the one I'm about to tell you about. That as we go through life, doing different activities, working full time-trying to enjoy our free time and believe me my weekends fly by.. I've decided to bow out of blogging for a while, until I'm ready to come back.. I've exhausted my ideas for writing anything that remotely involves my brain and heart in the same context. I'm going through a process at the moment that I'm not even sure about myself. I'm tired alot more.. I work bloody hard.. exercise is taking shape as too are my joints which tend to ache more. X-rays n physio for this n that. Trying to piece together sentences that I'm happy with. I'm bored with the Internet right now. I've fed up of trying to make people laugh, I haven't laughed in a while actually.. is it the weather? The world is pretty crap right now...right? God help the folk in Japan, I some times think that it .. these disasters have nowt to do with the shape of the planet.. is it God keeping tabs on how many folk actually live on this vast place called earth?! Does HE God cull us every now and again or is there such a person called God? Do I really believe in him any more? All these tedious boring questions.. I can honestly say hand on heart I've had enough of typing silly words on this pathetic keyboard. So I'm not coming by for a while... however long that might be... I am as of now...
not here. So until the day I return....if I do decide to come back...Adios.xxx

I believe I can fly

This was the Birthday Surprise my husband had planned for me three weeks ago. Originally to be had the week before my big day, due to crap weather conditions it had been cancelled three times. I found out yesterday what I was in for, but after the said phone call the rain came down slowly at first then pretty rapidly, this isn't great conditions for the helicopter ride and besides if the weather's bad, the visibility is poor. So today was the day I was to eventually experience my first ride in a helicopter, and I couldn't wait either. The weather was really good, visibility very good. I'm glad I waited this long, if it's worth doing good, it's worth doing very good. After the initial chat on ground about safety procedures and how to enter and leave the chopper... it was my turn to experience my ride, I'd been waiting for this for over three weeks so I was very excited and also very nervous..
It looked so tiny compared to full size helicopters I'd seen.. My perception of height and speed changed today. With surround visual effects, and just the two of us between the ground and God... I have to admit I did feel safe. We did the fair ground roll, I think I let out a small scream....of delight at that point. After a short re run of the controls and which did what I was asked if I would like the controls to fly it myself.. at which point I said 'Yes please!' So for roughly eight minutes possibly ten minutes I flew this helicopter all by myself. I was nervous but so glad I did it. Motorbikes~cars~now helicopters...what next I wonder? Tanks? I have a certificate to prove I did fly and on camcorder me in the air... All I need to do now is win the lottery and take it up as a new hobby? Maybe in my dreams, but I'd always dreamt of riding in a helicopter, today that dream came true... I'd never of believed I'd actually fly one.. on my own!! 'WOW' 'WOW' and double 'WOW WOW.'

Daddy Dear

Dads n Daughters..
thicker than blood.
She does stuff for
him, like no other
person would... I
do my fair share,
plus of hell of
a lot.. he bends
over backwards,
of course he does.
She's 25 tomorrow,
she's takin him
out for lunch on
Monday.. for me?
She never does
any of the above.
How do I feel that
she has this close
ness with him? It's
good that they get
on...... He doesn't
always get it right,
like forgettin to
put her uniform
in the dryer..
she swore a him for
that. He forgot her
prescription not
once but twice.
I however did
not forget..a
'cheers' is
all I got in
return, her
words not mine.
I have a son too,
such differences
they have. I'm
not fighting
for their
affection..I
just find
it hard some
times when
she takes
him out with
out me.

Concert Pianist

Having had several months of pain in my thumb joint
I decided to go see the Doc, figure out what might
be causing this *feels like I've hit it with a meat
cleaver* feeling! I made the appointment, went last
night after work.. Dr. Mitchell is very nice, his
bed side manner isn't cold like some doctors I've
had the pleasure of.. there's this one doctor who I
cannot stand, and under any circumstances will not
see... even if I do feel like I am dying.. he's a
no...no. Dr. Mitchell held my fingers, asked me
several questions.. the usual stuff, how long
have I suffered with this pain? Can I do every
day stuff... I tried to peel potatoes last
night with my left hand... quite surprised
I still had all my fingers at the end of it.
Ever had hot aches when your hands get so
cold, then the circulation kicks in.. it hurts
right? This usually happens first thing in the
morning. Throbbing painful fingers and joints.
The doc tell me it's possible Ostio Arthritis.
He drew me a small diagram but to get a better
idea I have booked myself an appointment at
the Hospital tomorrow at 4.05pm, for an X ray.
I don't think there is much I can do, they can do
for the swelling on the joint. Pain killers?
He thought it might have been my Carpal
tunnel.. in which case he had suggested
steroid injections... I have to admit
that when he applied pressure in that area
it hurt... but not enough apparently..phew!
Judging by the shape of my hands now, it's
not going to get any better.. Knobbly
fingers.. knobbly fingers are what I have.
Used to, as a child play the piano.. I
often wonder if I had stuck at it, become
a concert pianist, would I now be in pain?
Do concert pianists get knobbly fingers? Like
ballerinas... do they -well yes they do have
awful feet.. so for me to ask if they suffer
then yes they do. Imagine if you did ballet,
having to put shoes on every day that felt
like you had stones in them..... It will
be interesting to actually see my thumb
bones on screen.. see where we go from there.

Tumble

Tumble with me upon these wooden planks,
glide with me, feel the rhythm.. eat with
me.. come take my hand, fall closely by
hold tight your grip, waist sways in
the bubbling moonlight. Starry sky,
littered with a million diamonds
light our steps with airs and grace.
Come dance with me, come tumble
beneath the heavens. Posture is
every thing. Breathe with me,
feel the heat of our bodies..
devour the music...resume your
stance, come dance with me..

''' Swollen !'

I have a problem with my thumb joint. As you can see from this photo I have got a swelling actually on the joint itself. Thus creating constant pain. My everyday activities cause me to pull faces when the pain strikes... funny? No! I'm sharing my unfortunate discomfort with you out there, just in case you have any miracle remedies that I haven't yet heard of..... don't hold back now, let me have it...
The doctor's informed me that it is called wear n tear Arthritis.. this is on a good day... whilst on other not so good days it is twice the size in swelling. I can't take long term anti inflammatory as they give me chronic heart burn. I have tried gels, paracetamol.. physio..rest..ice, nothing appears to help on a long term basis. I wear a wrist support most of the time, this gives some support to the thumb joint, it makes my hand sweat.. which can be a hindrance.

Celebrations

I've had a lovely wickedly fabulous day, today I became the impressive amazingly beautiful '50' year old, mistaken on more than one occasion by many that I was in fact lying about my age... that in itself put a bloody great big smile on my face.
I've walked into departments at work, all day, well since 7a.m, had so many folk wish me Happy Birthday, guys huggin n kissin me on the cheek.. women singin Happy Birthday, everyone else joining in to a rapturous chorus... me standin there laughing and possibly joining in. I had Julie in OMU dept bake me a cake... she makes them for peeps whether they are havin a baby, gettin hitched or comin of age or for anything.. it's got bright yellow icing on it and red n white sugar hearts on it... it's adorable. Another woman Kim, who I chat to some times came up to me and said that they'd signed this card for me and hoped I wouldn't be too embarrassed... at which point I either had a hot flush or went red anyway.
I have had money, money vouchers, a cheque for £50 of my parents, Champagne, flowers, drink..edibles.. a mug..18 cards including two from my sisters in Canada..
On the way home one of the nurses said there was a card from everyone in health care, I shouted out of my car window thank you and I'd collect it tomorrow... I like it when my Birthday overflows into the next day or two. I have a lot of friends at work, not just work mates but real friends... I am obviously well liked, well I do clean their departments and make a damn good job, not one for blowing my own trumpet but why not, I am good at my job. So how do I feel to be 50? No different to yesterday when I was 49... life begins at 50... watch this space.. Am sittin here on my laptop, I've just had a plate of 'fish n chips' mushy peas AND curry sauce... washed down with a large can of my favourite drink CIDER... apparently cider gets into your bones? Oh Goody ... so I'm gettin the real effect right. I have also achieved my goal of giving up smoking for good, I wanted to give before my 50th and I have accomplished this. I had my last fag 19th October last year, so you see I did it, I came ~I saw ~ I kicked mother fuckin ASS!!! ...Hahahahahaha So I'm now thanking all you lovelies out there in blog sphere land who wished me Happy Birthday today...Thank youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu XXXX


Indi n out.

Almost here

It's just a number...
today is my last day for
being a fortininer !!
Not much different
from any other day.
Cards are coming in
fast and quick..
greetings from
near and far..
come midnight..
goodbye 49..
well hello
.... '50!'..
I can't wait.
Presents piled
up.. letters
from abroad..
A cake waitin
to be cut..
A whole list
of exciting
activities..
And a meal
out tonight
with my new
girlfriend.
Family meal
on Friday
too.. all for
me? Thank you.