Saturday, 6 August 2011

Waiting to Jump

Steel the light..
to ease the pain..
sterilize the blade,
steady hand....then
try again. No pain
no gain..right? I've
been here before..
every one thinks
you're ignoring
them, I'm not..
I just want to
be left alone.
New blades..a
whole new game.
Aim to please,
it's a fucking
is like being
skinned alive.
I like red...
I wanna go lie
down now. You
ever wondered
what it feels
like to be...
dead? Is there
an after life?
Do I believe
in God? He died
for us right?
Did it hurt
when they
nailed him to
the cross?
Jesus Christ
endured the
pain.. did
he spit his
dummy out?
My dear mother
has always told
me I should
have been a man.
Am I a dick?
Parents can
be so fuckin
cruel, so why
is it I still
try to please
them.. I don't
love me..never
have.. so no
I'm not avoiding
anyone, I'm just
trying to be me,
if that includes
spitting, pain..
blood and blades
then that is who
I believe I am.

I'm just venting
my anger.. I don't
wish to offend..
God forbid...
There I go again.

Poetry helps me,
pain n blood are
just a few of the
ingredients.. I'm
by no means a
drama queen..
I'm not a drag
queen, maybe I
should give it
a go.. sex change?
Ya never know.. it
might just be the
one thing in my
pitiful life that
will turn me
into happy?
If there is
such a thing?!


Sweet Tea said...

I haven't read your blog in months and something made me check it tonight. This poem spoke to me. To the mood that I'm in, to feelings I have been fighting all day. Thanks for sharing your pain.

Indi said...

Sweet Tea ~ At last some one who know's where I'm coming from.... take care




Don't you ever worry that this is sending a dangerous message about self harm as a means of [not] coping to young kids who might stumble upon such a blog,Indi?

Indi said...

UBS ~ There is a content warning prior to entering my blog, if 'children' are getting that far then maybe it's up to the parental guidance that needs attention not my attitude toward my life right now, but thank you for your concern!

KrippledWarrior said...

I happen to know firsthand that it is lie that is painful, not death. For in the grip of death there is no more pain. No more fear. No more...

Indi said...

KP ~ Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?



red.neck chic said...

I think there is a light at the end of the tunnel Indi...

it's where your "faith" (in whatever... whatever gives you hope) comes in.

It's also where your heart and soul step up. You are strong my friend... and your heart and your soul are beautiful - and beautifully strong.

I've often wondered what it would be like to be dead.

Hang in there... be you...


Indi said...

red.neck chic ~ Hanging always scared me.... I had planned my demise by putting a gun in my mouth, but I don't have a gun.... I did however attempt once to slash my wrists...