Thursday, 20 November 2008

Coming Out

There comes a time in every one's life when we all have to do some thing that takes a lot of 'balls.' Last week I did just that I came out to my family!!.................... The most nerve wrecking moment EVER!!!! I had decided what I was going to say... chose my words very carefully..... paced up and down the lounge carpet, palms sweaty. When the actual moment arrived-stuttering....... I opened my mouth.... and nothing came out that made any sense; but after a sharp intake of breath... I started again-and it flowed. My family were quiet, listening as I told them what I had practiced. To my 'amazement' ........... and 'RELIEF'... they had known for quite a long time. I felt like a heavy weight had been lifted from my shoulders. So........ no more pretending, no more excuses as to where I go of an evening or weekend. I can now be 'ME' and the family except me for that. I wish every thing in life could be so easy. I'd wanted to .. on several occasions to say some thing, some how explain why I was going out, where I'd been and who with; but I always thought it was my business and no one Else's. The new love in my life is 'PROUD' of me, but says she couldn't do what I have achieved, not at her place of work or to her family, only to her closest of friends. I too am out at work. Some people criticise me for who I am, they are not my 'true' friends. My real friends support me, listen when I have problems, they do not condone who I am, live and let live is my motto.

Sunday, 16 November 2008

Lost and frightened

The past few years have been turbulent in my love life, to say the least! After one broken relationship that seemed to throw me over the edge, I feel I've lost the true ME!! Life has had it's ups and downs, more so the downs. Until a few weeks ago I hadn't really been looking for love- but it found me. My new lover, who I've known for quite a few years as a friend. We've grown strong together, finding out what we like in and out of bed. Apparently, she says I might come over as the tough kinda Tom boyish woman... it's fake. She has found this lost little girl in me, and looking at myself in the mirror I can see what she's on about. With her help I have to now find myself again; I know in my heart of hearts I can do this, but I'm not sure where to start! I have the ability to give my undying love to the new love of my life.. at the same time I seem to have the same ability to forget about me and what I want. I'm a fish out of water at times, slowly suffocating... drowning. So 'how' do I start this journey of self discovery? What do I do different that makes me stand out from the rest? I can write about pretty much anything. But when it comes to describing how I really feel, what 'I' want and need.... the answer is empty. My expression is blank... I look lost, this little girl inside of me is searching for the 'woman' who I am and should be proud of. It's almost as if.... I've been impersonating some one else all these years, being some who in the past other people have wanted me to be, and without realising this-have been some one else... if that makes sense? I'm open to any suggestions as to how I tackle this hurdle .....

Sunday, 2 November 2008


Afew weeks ago, I fell head over heels in love. The first time in a very long time. Time to take it easy again; Last week I drank too much red wine; a good full bodied red wine none the less-opened up and declared that I love her. Now if you've ever watched The L word, Alice tells Dana she loves her and she pretty much got the same reply... or not... as I did. In return I got a kiss on the cheek and a hug?!..
I have to admit I was kind of expecting the same reply as the line I just shot ' I love you too Honey... or babe.' I spent most of the last week thinking I'd blown the whole story, my love life taking off and now coming back to earth with a big THUD!! I get very insecure at times and the menopause aint helpin a great deal either. Any way .. I decided to cool things a little, try and not rush it.. play the game a different way. Behave like it was no big deal even though I was fallin apart inside. I sent less text's, although I wanted to bombard her with text's. The whole of last week couldn't go fast enough for me. Every day I was waiting for my mobile to sing to me, waiting for her name to appear; no it didn't happen. SO... Friday I decided that maybe I'd frightened her off by rushing it- I sent her a message saying when could I see her again? To my surprise she said Saturday night, 'Oh and bring your tooth brush with you babe.' My heart lept from off the ground and is now sitting back where it was on cloud 9... well almost.. roughly cloud 7. Love can be a turbulent at the best of times, and I shouldn't expect every one to be like me.
Wednesday night is the next time I will get to hold her again, kiss her soft sweet flesh, play footsie with my fingers over the back of her hands, look all googly eyed at her... be happy again.
I guess you could say we're still in the 'Honeymoon period' all mouths and hands; not that I'm complaining of the 'all' mouths n hands!! Next Sunday evening we're off to the local Gay Bar in town, some where where we can be accepted, be who we are, relax in a enviroment made for gays.. soft lighting, wicked music, a whole new bunch of friends we've made. Why can't the planet be like this place? Why can't we be accepted for being different? Am all for Gay Rights.
So every thing's ok again, for now anyhow.