Sunday, 16 November 2008

Lost and frightened

The past few years have been turbulent in my love life, to say the least! After one broken relationship that seemed to throw me over the edge, I feel I've lost the true ME!! Life has had it's ups and downs, more so the downs. Until a few weeks ago I hadn't really been looking for love- but it found me. My new lover, who I've known for quite a few years as a friend. We've grown strong together, finding out what we like in and out of bed. Apparently, she says I might come over as the tough kinda Tom boyish woman... it's fake. She has found this lost little girl in me, and looking at myself in the mirror I can see what she's on about. With her help I have to now find myself again; I know in my heart of hearts I can do this, but I'm not sure where to start! I have the ability to give my undying love to the new love of my life.. at the same time I seem to have the same ability to forget about me and what I want. I'm a fish out of water at times, slowly suffocating... drowning. So 'how' do I start this journey of self discovery? What do I do different that makes me stand out from the rest? I can write about pretty much anything. But when it comes to describing how I really feel, what 'I' want and need.... the answer is empty. My expression is blank... I look lost, this little girl inside of me is searching for the 'woman' who I am and should be proud of. It's almost as if.... I've been impersonating some one else all these years, being some who in the past other people have wanted me to be, and without realising this-have been some one else... if that makes sense? I'm open to any suggestions as to how I tackle this hurdle .....

6 comments:

Trixie said...

I guess what you need to do is remember who the person you were before you 'changed' for your past relationships. Try to remember how you were before, and get back there. I'm a totally different person than when I was with my ex, he tried to totally change me.

I'm sure your new lover will help you!

nitebyrd said...

Yes, what trixie says is true ~ remember back to when you were YOU! I also think that by finding a new love, you've already started to reclaim yourself. I'm so glad you have someone in your life that wants you to be exactly what you want to be and that she will love you for that.

Indigo said...

trixie~ constructive advice... thank you

Indigo said...

nitebyrd~ Yes.. I will search back to who I was and hopefully nurture it back... thank you both

Spiky Zora Jones said...

indigo: sweetie, we all change to a point and I'm glad that your new g/f is able to see past the facade of toughness.


I think you have to ask yourself many questions about yourself and of your feeling for your new love...what are your fears and what is it that makes you happy.

This is the hard part...you have to learn to open your heart. Let your heart lead you.

Be brave...the gods favor the brave...isn't that how it goes. So don't be afraid of hurt. It's all about being and feeling life.

I don't think you have lost yourself. You're wonderful...you just need to believe you are...just like your girl...she know you are.

I don't think a person can go back to yesterday...and tomorrow will come soon enough...it's now...today that you must live fully with an open heart and without fear.

ciao babe...I hope I made a little sense. But if i didn't totally disregard this comment.

Indigo said...

Spiky~ I think I understand where you're coming from. My trouble IS opening up, and like life itself, pain does excist. hurt too. Thank you for youur support babe, much appreciated ~X~