Lost and frightened

The past few years have been turbulent in my love life, to say the least! After one broken relationship that seemed to throw me over the edge, I feel I've lost the true ME!! Life has had it's ups and downs, more so the downs. Until a few weeks ago I hadn't really been looking for love- but it found me. My new lover, who I've known for quite a few years as a friend. We've grown strong together, finding out what we like in and out of bed. Apparently, she says I might come over as the tough kinda Tom boyish woman... it's fake. She has found this lost little girl in me, and looking at myself in the mirror I can see what she's on about. With her help I have to now find myself again; I know in my heart of hearts I can do this, but I'm not sure where to start! I have the ability to give my undying love to the new love of my life.. at the same time I seem to have the same ability to forget about me and what I want. I'm a fish out of water at times, slowly suffocating... drowning. So 'how' do I start this journey of self discovery? What do I do different that makes me stand out from the rest? I can write about pretty much anything. But when it comes to describing how I really feel, what 'I' want and need.... the answer is empty. My expression is blank... I look lost, this little girl inside of me is searching for the 'woman' who I am and should be proud of. It's almost as if.... I've been impersonating some one else all these years, being some who in the past other people have wanted me to be, and without realising this-have been some one else... if that makes sense? I'm open to any suggestions as to how I tackle this hurdle .....

Reflection

Today is the Anniversary of my journey down to Devon. It's this time last year I found out my best friend was poorly, so I drove to Devon to see her. The journey was long, hot and tiring but well worth it, as I wasn't sure how long it would be before I saw her again, if at all. She had been taken ill and was coping the best way she new how. Secondary lung cancer is difficult in any one's eyes to cope with. The thought of dying is scary enough. But to be told that you have only a short time left to live must be earth shattering.. and maybe she didn't take it all in, maybe she knew but wasn't showing so. It's usually the people left behind that have to come to terms with it. Today I went to her house in the local village, where she once lived and thrived. The house is locked and a for sale sign is bolted to the wall. Quit a sad day for me. I went on my motorbike, parked it up and sat for some considerable time on the porch, just thinking of what she might have said about my new bike. I tried to hold it together and was doing really well until her neighbour appeared and asked why I was sitting where I was. I told him I was remembering the good times as my best friend used to live here but died last year. Up until that moment I was OK. He was a friendly kind of a man in his mature years. 'Oh yes' he said, with a broad smile on his face. 'She was a lovely lady...' that was it for me, my eyes started to fill up and I started to cry! He started to move away, 'Oh I'm sorry for upsetting you,' he said. 'That's alright, ' smiling back, it was due to happen, and it's good that I've come round to see her again. I still talk to her, she's with me most of the time, it does get easier, but I wish she was still here, I have so much to tell her, we have so much too laugh about, jokes to tell, hugs to share!
I spoke to her daughter a while back; they still have her ashes; they can't move on yet, but as long as they have her with them, that's comfort in itself isn't it? I couldn't make the service held for her last year, I was in Morocco. I do have the service sheet from the church and the poem she adored so much. This is the poem by Joyce Grenfell.........


If I should go before the rest of you,
Break not a flower nor inscribe a stone.
Nor when I'm gone speak in a Sunday voice,
Be the usual selves that I have known.
Weep if you must,
Parting is hell,
But life goes on,
So sing as well.

I shall remember my best friend as I knew her best, full of life, always laughing, bright, vibrant,
cheerful, charming, with an abundance of love for life and every one around her, family and friends. I loved her then with all my heart and I still do.

Dealing with stuff

A few drinks and our favourite music playing... life seemed just fine, then it all came flooding back. I really thought I'd got over you, I'd been kidding myself for so fucking long now... but it's the wine playing tricks on my mind, my emotions are flooding, I've been up too long. I remember when I'd text you in the morning to say my hello's and again in the afternoon, then last thing at night before I retired to my bed. I have a book full of hellos and goodbyes. How the days were made of candy, so sweet and un real, our lives were made in heaven, My life would never be the same again, or so I thought. If you are reading this now, you'll now what I'm talking about. no names mentioned but you now who you are. I have a magic box full and over flowing with spent love, your scent, your perfume, you. I keep wanting to have a tidy out, get rid of the things that no longer have any meaning, I really thought I could do it, I was wrong, I can't not yet, not quite ready for that just yet. You know who you are, you brought love into my existence, gave me so much and I gave you my every thing. I can't let go, and I'm not sure I ever will. I've tried so fucking hard to cast you aside, like you did me, just a bit on the side you said, I have to write about it like that because that's how it was, fucking painful. Love isn't all it's cracked up to be, I feel very hurt some times, when I remember what we had, what I lost.. I really have to fight against what I still feel. So why now I here you ask? why talk about it again? I've been awake too long, I'm messed up and drunk, it's the wine's fault! I never did get it off my chest did I? I NEVER told my side of the story, how I felt? This might hurt you, you know who you are. I wanted to die that day. I went to hell and back, thought about suicide, yeah pathetic I know but that's how I felt. Why now? why not?
May be it's time to say goodbye. Time to have that tidy out! Light the bonfire and say my farewells! Out with the old and make room for the new whatever! Life's shit some times, this is for real, this is how it is, that's how it was then, time heals does it? That's a load of bull shit and every one knows it. I don't want forgiveness, it's too late for that, I've written my heart out tonight, it' was there and I had to write, it's the wine talking and I'm too tired to care. I know what we had, what we lost, I loved you so fucking much. I was doing so well, but just lately I've had different visions, coming from every direction, I'm lost some times, take a different direction, I'm still dealing with stuff, I'll get there one day, but there's no immediate rush!

Crimson and Gold..

Our love was so special.

My lover was unique.

She used to leave my arse

with her own personalized pink streaks!

Within my body the pain was healed

upon my skin the pain was sealed.

From sunrise to sunset

Our love was crimson gold.

For I would've laid down my life for her,

But this she was never told.

For I held her in my heart

My lost crimson gold....