'Crash n burn'.

Well the good news is, I can still type! The not so good news is I now have to use my other half's laptop as I think mine has at long last snuffed it! So here I am again... off work! Our new home is coming along very well... although today and tomorrow I'm not allowed to use my right hand due too having cortisone injections directly into the thumb joint...."ouch....cringe & gritting of teeth|" were my first reactions! Followed by sharp intake of breath!!!
I've been having trouble with my right thumb for some time  now. After referrals to X-ray dept; then for Ultrasound... I was then referred to see the orthopaedic surgeon yesterday. As I assumed I would be having a chat as to what the prognosis was and how to combat the discomfort. Or in my words... 'Oh sh*t, what now?' Read and sign consent form. A quick wipe of the area ... this is the part where I closed my eyes, gritted my teeth...and felt the fine long sharp needle disappear into the joint of my thumb. (Not a nice feeling)! So what is the prognosis eh? The knuckle is riddled with Arthritis and very swollen. I have to admit I wasn't looking forward to any of this....AND if the injections don't work, the swelling doesn't reduce completely then I'm afraid the next step is surgery! That's what the large irregular lump is, swelling of the joint.
 So I'm stuck at home now until next Monday, when I have, I hope some kind of use in my thumb. Until then I don't get to do much of anything..... easy I hear you all say. Time to relax?! BORING! I went out on my m'bike yesterday a.m, hope this procedure works...biking annoys the pain BIG time,I'm not quitting riding... so it'd better work. The weather doesn't change much either.....rain! Rain! and even more bloody RAIN!!!!!

Faith

The past few weeks have been some what traumatic for me. I haven't been very good at handling my life, throwing myself over the edge in more ways than one!!
Today was a tough one. I had had an emergency appointment through from the hospital for an eye problem I thought I'd over come last week-when I had suffered a hemorrhage at the rear of my left eye. With the massive headaches that attached them selves to me, stress and ample amounts of worry, I headed for trouble...big time!!
I couldn't sleep last night , had lost my appetite.... all in all..... I was a mess!! BUT ... and there's always a BUT!.... There's a light at the end of the tunnel! I arrived early for my appointment, sweaty palms and thumping tension head to boot. More eye drops that stung like hell, then more drops to dilate my pupils AND more bright lights to look into my eye cavity. All of what I experienced last week, so I knew what to expect. The consultant has no idea why I had the hemorrhage, and wants me to come back in 8 weeks time for another check up, with no doubt the fabulous stinging pain numbing drops!!
However it doesn't stop there. I had some blood tests last week. The large discoloured bruise still visible on my arm, along side the puncture mark the nurse assured me would not hurt ( SHE LIED!) My next obstacle is to go to my own doctor and figure out how to eat better... as one of the blood tests reveal I am ' Border line ' DIABETIC!!!!!!! Does it get any better? So that is my life in short. I still have the headaches, more due to tension due to the eye pain- some thing to work on with some medication no doubt I will survive and wonder what all the fuss was about. My eye sight is ok, for now. I intend getting my eyes tested and buying some new glasses.

Tattoos

I'm considering having another tattoo. I fancy a wicked fairy on my right foot. I haven't decided as to what design yet, but I've seen a few I like, I just haven't picked the right one. I like the pain of tattoos, I have quite a few already in various areas of my body. I might have another piercing while I'm at it. Why?....Why not! I feel like adorning my skin with varying pieces of art form.. it's my way of expressing myself. I wonder what the pain threshold for the sole of the foot is like? I do know that no Tattoo artist will tattoo the side of the hand, I have no idea why this is but I might enquire next time I go to see Andy...my tattooist. If any one has any designs for wicked fairies and want to share them, I'd love to see them.
I once thought of having a 'branding' .. some thing very spiritual, cleansing my soul. A ying n yang emblem or the devil himself, just for laughs on my arse.. Oooowww the pain would be right up my street for sure.

Dealing with stuff

A few drinks and our favourite music playing... life seemed just fine, then it all came flooding back. I really thought I'd got over you, I'd been kidding myself for so fucking long now... but it's the wine playing tricks on my mind, my emotions are flooding, I've been up too long. I remember when I'd text you in the morning to say my hello's and again in the afternoon, then last thing at night before I retired to my bed. I have a book full of hellos and goodbyes. How the days were made of candy, so sweet and un real, our lives were made in heaven, My life would never be the same again, or so I thought. If you are reading this now, you'll now what I'm talking about. no names mentioned but you now who you are. I have a magic box full and over flowing with spent love, your scent, your perfume, you. I keep wanting to have a tidy out, get rid of the things that no longer have any meaning, I really thought I could do it, I was wrong, I can't not yet, not quite ready for that just yet. You know who you are, you brought love into my existence, gave me so much and I gave you my every thing. I can't let go, and I'm not sure I ever will. I've tried so fucking hard to cast you aside, like you did me, just a bit on the side you said, I have to write about it like that because that's how it was, fucking painful. Love isn't all it's cracked up to be, I feel very hurt some times, when I remember what we had, what I lost.. I really have to fight against what I still feel. So why now I here you ask? why talk about it again? I've been awake too long, I'm messed up and drunk, it's the wine's fault! I never did get it off my chest did I? I NEVER told my side of the story, how I felt? This might hurt you, you know who you are. I wanted to die that day. I went to hell and back, thought about suicide, yeah pathetic I know but that's how I felt. Why now? why not?
May be it's time to say goodbye. Time to have that tidy out! Light the bonfire and say my farewells! Out with the old and make room for the new whatever! Life's shit some times, this is for real, this is how it is, that's how it was then, time heals does it? That's a load of bull shit and every one knows it. I don't want forgiveness, it's too late for that, I've written my heart out tonight, it' was there and I had to write, it's the wine talking and I'm too tired to care. I know what we had, what we lost, I loved you so fucking much. I was doing so well, but just lately I've had different visions, coming from every direction, I'm lost some times, take a different direction, I'm still dealing with stuff, I'll get there one day, but there's no immediate rush!

OMG!

Today I phoned in work to say I was going to the doctors to get checked out regarding my swollen hand. OK the doctor did his usual examination by pressing on certain areas of the hand, and me in return pulling contorted faces responding to the fact that wherever he prodded, I HURT!! He then suggested I go to A&E to get it x-rayed, so off i toddled to the hospital! Several hours later and four x-rays done, they think I might have, but they're not sure, but I might actually have fractured a bone in my hand. I was yesterday in some considerable pain, the hand is now in a brace with Velcro straps to hold it steady and support my swollen, now multi coloured bruised hand in place. I have to admit I do feel pissed off with the fact that I may actually get 'plastered' and not in the liquid variety, next Tuesday when I return to the fracture clinic. For now the swelling's too much so they won't do the cast bit. I don't look forward to 6 weeks in plaster, more so, I don't want to be off work that long, but accidents do happen, I happened!
I'm taking anti inflammatory tablets and painkillers to make things bearable. The house work is out of the question, washing and taking care of me is hard enough! I'm trying to look on the bright side of things... I get bored very easily, so may read a book. At some stage of the game, I've to go for a run, Oh yes I have my race for life in nine days time! Everything appears to have gone wrong, and I'm feeling sorry for myself.

Accident waiting to happen

Just recently I appear to have become accident prone, an accident waiting to happen! Well today was that day. I'm in considerable discomfort, and with a swollen hand, my right to be exact; which is a real pain because I happen to be right handed! Oh shit!! I managed just to ride my motorbike home from work, but that in itself was a task. I had no other choice really. My hand is a mess, but not wanting to spend the entire evening in A&E, I'm leaving it until the morning, hoping that by the time I've rested it, the swelling will have lessened, hence the pain will have gone? Hmm.. who am I trying to kid here? I don't do hospitals if I can help it. So my movement is hindered. It was partly my own fault and if I tell you out there in blog land how I did it, then I'd have to kill you all!! Lol. So I'll tell you tomorrow night what the results are and have I actually 'broken' anything.

Suicide is painless

Feelings fermenting out of control,

repetitions over again.

My mind is in turmoil,

I've lost the will to live.

Sifting through fragments of flesh,

taring limb from limb.

Searing pain, agonising and cold,

sticky and sweet, rich pickings.

I'm not listening, I'm not making sense

my mind is in shut down.

fermentation: a mind out of control.

I've lost my footing, am slowly sliding in.

Don't pull me out, don't cry I did not die.

I'm in limbo, dangling on the edge.

Upwards is hard, downwards is easy way out.

I will not scream, I will not shout.

The first cut is the deepest,

the second flows with ease,

my hand is steady

my mind is clear...

I will not look, I hold no fear.

The clock is ticking, I have to go.

Don't cry or talk of love,

from that I came to this still morn..

lifeless, finished, empty and torn.

Love is full of demons.. each one

biting at my flesh, do not resist.

Giving, is for idiots, hypnotised and drugged.

Give your all, get nothing in return.

My eyes are full of tears,

I cannot focus, my vision's blurred.

I've given up competing, trying to please..

given up loving, no more the tease.

No more the fool, my heart is broken

shattered and torn, I'm done.

Pain....

Pain comes in different stages from self inflicted to grief. I feel I have to write about this because my best friend died of cancer due to smoking for years and years. I'm trying to deal with the fact that I'll never see her smiling face again, and believe me it's very difficult to come to terms with. She was so full of energy and enthusiasm for life, she was an amazing woman, but the nicotine killed her, I have to admit I've given up the dreaded weed, not wanting to be the next victim of the killer disease. So how do people cope with losing a relative or friend, the pain must be so awful, unmentionable and unless it happens to YOU we have no idea of what the human mind can cope with. But do we actually cope or do we go into auto drive? Today I went for a mammogram, painful experience I have to admit but necessary just to be able to put my mind at rest. This tough exterior that I so often show as me, isn't real, I have to admit I was scared, just a very small amount of me but none the less I was scared! But I was one of the lucky ones, imagine being told you've got a lump and it's cancer!! Shit happens every day, my shit happened last Saturday when my friend passed away, I'm dealing with it in my own way, ample amounts of alcohol, maybe not the answer but this is the only way I can cope!