What do I want for Christmas?

I know what I'd like for Christmas and it won't cost me a penny! This is some thing I've dreamed of for the last twenty years. The last twenty years being the last time I went to the hospital to have a problem sorted;but it wasn't sorted. I came away very disappointed, my world shattered. 'BUT' ... and there's always a but! I went to my doctor some months ago with a swelling in my left thigh area. I was sent immediately to A&E with suspected DVT deep vein thrombosis. This condition can be life threatening. I was lucky that time, I had some thing else called Thrombophlibitis, inflammation of the veins. Still bloody painful, but it wasn't going to kill me. I have had several trips to the same hospital I went to twenty years ago, they still say the same thing... 'no can do.' BUT ... and there's that but again.. I was sent to a different hospital in a different town, they did an examination, ultra sound and put me on a waiting list. A waiting list!!!!! So I can hear you asking what it is I want for Christmas and am having it.....
A new leg. Yes. On Christmas Eve this year at 7a.m I will be going to have my left leg sorted, my varicose veins burnt away. The hidious bulging mess that has prevented me from wearing shorts in the summer, going swimming for fear of people staring at me. You might think that sounds nasty and painful. It might well be but I need the operation and I'm getting a new leg for Christmas. I am one happy bunny!!

Blue Eyes

Back in March I had some visual defects in my left eye. I used to suffer from migraines years prior to this, but having cut out chocolate, cheese and coffee my severe heads traumas have ceased. Any how.. after my disturbance in the kitchen at home, I blinked a few times and was surprised when it hadn't gone. A quick trip to the doctor the next day, he got me an appointment at the hospital the very next day, as he too was rather concerned. This all started off a sequence of weekly trips to the hospital for eye checks and a procedure which after the first dose, put me off wanting to go again. A few drops into 'both' eyes which dilate the pupils. This helping the specialist to see into the back of both eyes for any abnormalities. This is where they discovered a hemorrhage had taken place behind my left eye. I have had several of these examinations, with the awful drops, with numerous bright lights shone in the eyes, some thing which I hate as I have light sensitive eyes to start with., but they have to do this to find out what caused the defect in the first place. Over the months I've had quite a few blood tests also, on one occasion it came back border line diabetic, but my own doctor proved this not to be so. My eye specialist at the hospital informed me that a woman of my age shouldn't be having hemorrhages at the back of my eyes, so tomorrow I'm having a CT scan to try and define why this happened. It will take them all of twenty minutes and hopefully they won't find any thing wrong! I say this because I'd hate to find out that I' have got some thing wrong with my eyes/head/vision! But like any other procedure, I won't get the results straight away... I will have to go back some time later to hear the results, but I'm not worried or in the slightest bit scared, what's the point.. why worry about some thing that might not be! If it's bad news then I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. So this is the latest so far in my health... I'm happy, I'm OK.

Calmer Waters

Just to let you all know that after my heart wrenching story 'Instruments of destruction' last week, I've calmed down a hell of a lot-for how long I have no idea. Spiky-Jackie-UBS-Nitebyrd to name but a few have given me strength to regain my inwardly love that I'm missing from me, let alone the world, I can't take everyone on at once. I would like to THANK YOU all for your heart warming lovely loving comments that you wrote for me, some of which made me cry, but I think they were good tears .. tears being some thing that I rarely part with, even when I'm slicing my flesh up! Today at work I had the opportunity to go the whole hog and join the GALIPS union. A union that protects Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual & Transgender people from sexual discrimination.. also helping them to work in a safe environment, equal rights etc. I got a goody bag with rainbow coloured goodies in... actually the signing my name and ticking the box marked 'Gay' was more exciting than getting the goodies. I've come a hell of a long way recently, and what with my writing and how that has developed, I think I've chosen the right path in life, just need to find me a woman now! But I realise that should I never find a woman to share my world with, it doesn't matter, but I'll sure have fun looking. I want to get a step further with my writing, I must get in contact with Mia again, I know she's a busy lady what with her job. Tomorrow is a day not yet started and after a good nights sleep, my batteries hopefully recharged, I should start to regain my life back. I've felt bogged under of late, it's almost like my energy channels have got crossed, giving out negative energy, what with late nights and long days, this week has been extremely tiring. Some times it's like that, but I tend to think I can cope...I'm not getting any younger or so my Friends keep reminding me!! ;-). Monday is a day to get over with before it's started. I had some dis functional visual defects in my left eye, back in March- well actually it was behind my left eye. Any way after several trips to the eye hospital, having drops into both eyes that dilated the pupils, ( felt like my eye balls had been grated) having incredibly bright lights shone in them...as you can imagine I've had enough, but they have yet to find out what caused it in the first place. At my last appointment in September I was told by the specialist that a woman of 'my age' shouldn't be having haemorrhage's behind my eyes. That left me feeling slightly worried as you can well imagine. I had to have endless blood tests ( I hate needles) and a chest X-ray of which I get the result on Monday. I have absolutely no immediate worries at this stage of the game. I will however keep you all posted. So that's a catch up of me for the past !!!!!! months. I'm not going to write anything for a while, to tell you the truth, I've lost my erotic vibe of late. It's like that some times ...... but I will be back.

After Shock

Last Saturday I had a strange lump appear on the inside of my left thigh. I thought nothing of it, put it down to a pulled muscle or some thing! Taking care of it, I purchased a tubular bandage and proceeded to wear it. Sunday came and went, I went out on my bike... again... no problem. However on Monday morning, I still had the swelling, but this time I had quite a lot of discomfort with it. I made myself an appointment to see my GP in the afternoon, which left me the day to hobble around work. Still I wasn't in the slightest bit worried... 'sore' .. but not worried. The time came and I arrived at the doctor's surgery. I went in to see my doctor, who after a few moments of me describing my predicament, and peeling off my trousers to show him the offending swelling, he was getting slightly fractious. I was told I had to get to A&E a.s.a.p! Oh and take an over night bag because chances are they'll keep you in! He was convinced I had some thing called DVT. Still staying calm, I asked him what this DVT was exactly. Deep vain Thrombosis. I still didn't understand the full extent of this illness. I sat in the chair with my trousers around my knees, smiling at the doctor, and could hear myself almost laughing.... with hysteria. Was I going ever so slightly mad? After he told me in broken English that I could well be in danger, he mentioned a blood clot.. my lungs... and if we didn't get to it damned quick....... most certainly DEATH!! Scrambling to my feet I dressed myself, while he phoned the hospital and arranged for me to be seen as soon as I got there, which was some eight miles away. As I was told that I was not to drive; however I'd driven there in the first place and had been fine, but my friend put her foot down and I think we may well have broken a few speed limits a long the way, but all in the name of life!! Apparently it was another risk factor to drive in case a part of the thrombosis broke free and travelled into my lungs creating a blood clot. By now you'd have thought I'd be panicking, but even with the mention of possible death, this word had sailed right over my head, I hadn't fully digested it, it hadn't SUNK IN!! The doctor typed me a letter to hand to the hospital when I arrived. My friend kept asking me if I was OK? I just smiled and said, " Yeah " and I that I was hungry. I hadn't given what the doc had said.. a second thought! A short fat hairy man called my name, I followed him into a small room. Details were taken, name etc. Then a young student nurse came in and proceeded to give me an ECG, which checks the heart.
So there I am my t-shirt lifted up to my arm pits ( good job I'd shaved them the night before), wired for sound, cables dangling from my limbs. I made light conversation with the young woman. All done and I sat up waiting for the doctor to come back. " Can I go now please " I asked. His expression said it all. " I have to take some bloods before I can say what it is you have wrong with you." I took a large gulp and started to shake! I can't stand needles and told him so, he told me it wouldn't hurt. Why oh 'WHY' do they always say that? They are lying, it always hurts.... " just a little scratch" like hell it is!! I winced as he eased the point of the needle into my vein, I grimaced..."all done." I had to return to reception and wait for the results of my bloods. I chatted with my friend, my stomach rumbled for some food. Two hours later and nearing starvation, my name was called. I wandered off in the direction of the doctor, sat back in the cubicle................
The good news is that I don't have DVT, I'm not going to die. I had however got some thing called Thrombosphlebitis. In broken English means inflammation of the veins, which run the full length of my left leg, yes I am a freak!! I hate them!!!
The only thing good to come out of this episode at the hospital is the urgency for my varicose veins to have the much needed operation to remove them they are unsightly, painful, sore, itchy, ugly, inherited!! My week has been uncomfortable at work and at home, I've had added interest from work colleagues as to why I'm limping. Some how I don't think they believed me when I said I'd been attacked by a man eating leprechaun ?! Painkillers and anti-inflammatories seem to help, although I have a new prescription for stronger pain relief.
Today I realised just how lucky I was.... had been! What I have isn't life threatening, but all the same it isn't very nice either. It's a good job I went to the doctors when I did... or the story might have been .... well let's not dwell on the what ifs? But today I've felt very low, almost emotional, totally relieved that my out come was superficial. Today the reality HIT home. I think I need a good cry, but unless I hit my head or stub my toe, I can't see that happening. So now I await to hear from the medical centre, and fingers crossed it won't be too long. I want rid of these grotesque veins .... I want to have normal legs, pain free legs, legs that I don't mind showing off. I don't even go swimming any more, I think people are staring at me.

Vanilla Pickle

Three weeks ago my life was pretty normal. Work was good. I was thinking about writing on my blog again, as I realise it's been quite some time since I have actually written anything on my blog. I had finished work, driven home and whilst thinking about what to cook for my dinner-out of the blue came a disturbing phone call- from my Mother.
My Father had suffered a stroke and had been taken into hospital. I suddenly felt sick, my legs went numb, my heart started to race, I broke out into a cold sweat! I started to panic. That evening I collected my mum and we went to see my dad in hospital, Ward 7 stroke ward. As we entered the ward, the smell of antiseptic hit our senses. Beds with mostly women, relatives sitting at their bed side. My dad was lying in a cot bed ( with sides so he didn't fall out. ) I walked round to his right side and kissed him on the head. Feeling awkward, not knowing how to talk to him. He looked confused and dazed. My mum spoke to him, enquiring how he was feeling. I was shocked to hear his speech slower that usual. He was very confused. The pyjama's he had got on were covered in what appeared to be dried food. My Father is 75 in June. Before the stroke my dad was a fit and relatively strong man. Proud of his appearance, a private man. Could he have taken a step out of his body and looked down upon himself, he would have hated the way this stroke had hit him. As he went into detail of the accident he had that morning, walking to the bathroom. We never discuss toilet business. He had aged about 20 years, he looked confused, not sure of where he was, who he was! He was my dad, my dad was in his body some where, he didn't look 74, more like 94!! He had lost the use of his left hand. On the day of his arrival, a scan was performed on him to find out exactly what was wrong, although the doctors had a pretty good idea, he'd had a bleed on the brain, he also has a blood clot. I have to say now, three weeks later that my dad is improving. He can now actually feed himself without covering every one else. He has regained the full use of his left hand, but his left leg still hinders him, especially getting out of bed and the corner of his mouth no longer droops, he has stopped dribbling. The social worker form the hospital came to visit my mum and dad a couple of days ago, to access him. He's come along way since three weeks ago, three weeks ago my mum was worrying how she was going to cope without him, I thought he was going to die. He still has a long way to go. He hasn't got any patience, he isn't allowed to drive for at least another month. He may return back to his former health, I sure hope he does. We pray that he doesn't have another stroke... ever. We may not be so lucky next time!!

OMG!

Today I phoned in work to say I was going to the doctors to get checked out regarding my swollen hand. OK the doctor did his usual examination by pressing on certain areas of the hand, and me in return pulling contorted faces responding to the fact that wherever he prodded, I HURT!! He then suggested I go to A&E to get it x-rayed, so off i toddled to the hospital! Several hours later and four x-rays done, they think I might have, but they're not sure, but I might actually have fractured a bone in my hand. I was yesterday in some considerable pain, the hand is now in a brace with Velcro straps to hold it steady and support my swollen, now multi coloured bruised hand in place. I have to admit I do feel pissed off with the fact that I may actually get 'plastered' and not in the liquid variety, next Tuesday when I return to the fracture clinic. For now the swelling's too much so they won't do the cast bit. I don't look forward to 6 weeks in plaster, more so, I don't want to be off work that long, but accidents do happen, I happened!
I'm taking anti inflammatory tablets and painkillers to make things bearable. The house work is out of the question, washing and taking care of me is hard enough! I'm trying to look on the bright side of things... I get bored very easily, so may read a book. At some stage of the game, I've to go for a run, Oh yes I have my race for life in nine days time! Everything appears to have gone wrong, and I'm feeling sorry for myself.