Wednesday, 30 December 2009

Come to me

I shall no longer look for her.
If she is there she will find me.
If she wants me she must reach out.
I am waiting but in no hurry for
what is worth waiting for shall
come to me. I am in no rush..time
waits for no one... but for me I
have all the time in the world.
If she looks in my direction
I will hold her glance with ease.
I, on the other hand..will hold
hers... and her heart. Our love
will grow from this new
seed, our tears will give
strength to what we have
accomplished. If she is out
there, she will find me.
If she wants me I will wait
for her, we will find new
love. I will.. with all
my heart...Love you.

Tuesday, 29 December 2009

H.N.Y 2010

An early wish from Indigo ... make it a great one, it'll soon be here!






Bare All - part two.

'Time ladies and gentlemen' a voice called out. The crowd started to make for the huge glass door at the front of the shop. I was being shoved left right and centre as they brushed past me. I caught one man's elbow as he pushed his way toward the woman. Embracing her in his arms he kissed her quickly on both cheeks then one last kiss on her lips. 'Goodbye my sweet Madison I've had a ball today.. your works are sublime.' And with that he turned and left. I was soon the only one left standing in the shop. I was just about to grab my coat and walk away when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned. 'And where do you think you're going?' I felt the heat rise in my face a sudden rush of desire in my pussie.' I thought the show was over?' Madison walked around to face me she ran her index long red painted finger nail slowly down the side of my face poising at the entrance to my mouth. Her tongue sliding with accurate ease the length of her shiny red painted lips. 'Shhhhh... not another word.' She slid her hand into the grasp of mine and led the way to the back of the shop. Click click and the shop lights went out. Four digits on a security box a red light the doors automatically locked and we left. Up a set of stairs a long a narrow corridor low ceiling;I hit my head on more than one occasion but I didn't squeal just winced a bit. Obvious from the noise she glanced at me, 'You OK?' The pain taking away my laugh my expression diminished.. 'yeah not too bad.' Final destination. Through a solid oak door into a large open plan room. Floor to ceiling curtains draped in luscious deep purple. 'Here we are at last.. drink darling?' She walked towards a huge refrigerator sitting proud in the corner of the room. The clunking noise of her high heels against the softness of the solid oak floor. pulled the door open and took out of bottle of Champagne grabbed to glasses. My eyes scanned the room easels strewn every where, the smell of paint clung to the atmosphere. Two red leather chairs- an occasion table here and there, numerous books about every country scattered on shelves. A large vase of black Orchids placed in the centre of a round table. The room was hot. I started to feel dizzy. The chink of glasses, Madison stopped me from stumbling as she handed me one. 'I .... I feel kind of dizzy.' I missed my step and fell full length on to the wooden floor. Laughing uncontrollably she straddled my body. I could see right up her thighs, the out line of her breasts. The shadow of her shoulders. She bent down still holding the glasses, put them aside, knelt down, eventually lying down along the full length of me her elbows either side of my head. the increased desire to kiss her was unbearable. I felt the vibration of her heart dancing in her chest. I moved my legs;she slid between them. 'Well.. what do we have here?' I lay perfectly still my breasts brushed against the inside of my shirt. My arms lay relaxed beside my body not sure what to do next. 'What would you like to next?' She asked. I looked straight into her green eyes she looked back into mine. My hands found the sexy curve of her plump little ass. The tightness of the fabric outlining every inch of flesh restrained from harm locked away ,hidden. Italian jeans with a zipper down the side for easy access. Carefully my finger and thumb trace the out line of the metal zipper lifting the tab her eyes seemed to hypnotise me my breathing becoming heavier, hers becoming laboured. She leaned forward easing the weight off me, my other hand slides down the front of her groin. She sinks her teeth into my top lip letting out a soft muffled moan. A sharp intake of breath escapes her hold. She takes the weight on her knees. Pulling herself up. My left hand finds her heaven. I slide one finger then two deep into the moist folds of her labia. My other hand pulling the fabric down over her Italian ass. She sits up rips her shirt off and releases her beautiful juicy breasts. I follow her every move pealing off my shirt undoing my black leather jeans just to the waist. Discarding her jeans, I roll her over straddling her body. With gentle kisses I trace the length of her stomach poising at each breast. Taking each nipple in turn into my mouth, rolling it around, flicking it from left to right, blowing cool air on them.. gently teasing her. Running my hands through her shiny black locks. Pinning her to the floor. Goose bumps engulf her flesh. She tastes Divine. She arches her spine, her ribs enhanced as she inhales. Her nipples ..erect buds of naughtiness. My hand shaking, I find the top of her lace panties. Her pubic hair neatly trimmed, dark and full of mystery.
The scent of this Italian beauty. I look up at her. She is lost in abandonment. I resume my place of duty. Bending her knees sliding further down her thighs my tongue dances with the unknown. With this hidden jewel. Her scent is driving me to distraction. Licking the out line of her sex, chewing her flesh beneath the fabric of her existence. Her hands massage my head, one hand reaches up and our hands entwine.
She pulls me up with her other hand, our mouths engage in rough kissing, she can taste me on my fingers, I can feel her in my heart. We pull ourselves to sitting position against the wall. The sudden cold hitting my skin. I shudder. Our breasts bouncing. She bends down taking my nipples into her mouth, she fingers my clit, the sensations taking me higher. My hand finds her clit, warm juicy...wanting. Mutual masturbation. We kiss hard, she bites my face, I wince with pain, suck the blood away. 'Oh my god....' I feel the want, the need to cry out, my orgasm building like a steam train. Reaching out I grab a handful of her hair, she screams. I stare at her with total abandonment, my hand still buried in her clit, hers in mine. I cannot continue to kiss as the force of my orgasm drives me over the ......'Ohh.....' 'No....yesssss...Oh myyy godddddd' I hold on or all eternity, my legs shake with such force I feel I'm going die. My hand frantically rubbing her clit she too it coming, but I've lost control. We are coming. My legs tighten around her hand-trapped in my hole. Mouths apart, she slaps my face stopping as she slams her finger into my mouth, her sharp nails piercing my skin as the full force of the orgasm tear through our souls. Gyrating thrashing about as though we are fitting. She is lost but we are found. 'Oh you beautiful woman..' A whisper escapes her whithering body. After shocks still rape her. The full force of our lovemaking leaving me exhausted, legs twitching, muscles cramped. Our bodies drizzled in dew. Cold now, tired.. We slide down the wall on to the shag pile carpet. My knees still flickering. My clit in need of some more... I touch myself briefly. Finger tip on swollen clit and I'm coming again, only with more force this time. I cry out 'ARGHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...tears stream down my face, my body convulsing. Madison wraps her arms so tightly against me I fear I will suffocate. I lie silently weeping like a lost child. My face stained with spent tears, my nipples ache from temptations gone.

Monday, 28 December 2009

Shattered Love

I held the hand that wasn't there.
I felt the relief when you left.
Time heals all wounds, for a while
I didn't care. That 'while' still
remains, the heart is cold...
I am no longer there. You are no
longer here, I no longer stare
at the photo that once stood upon
the shelf. I no longer smell your
sweet perfume, wipe the remains of
the lost love. Re heat the menu..
to feel your skin, to lie beside
you, crumpled sheets where we once
lay, battered pillows of friendly play.
The crowd do gather, it's cold out
side, once again you are by my side.
The mourners gather, the rain clouds
form. My tears have dried, they no
longer fall. I'm frozen, shaking..
cold. My blood stained skin...
where the thorns has pierced me
within, the love that abandoned me.
Cast aside this red rose, down to the
sodden earth below. Dark is where you
belong, from where you shall lay..
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust....
from my hands the roses fall.
And I shall walk away.

Friday, 25 December 2009

HO HO HO ...

Yesterday was a day mixed full of turbulent emotions. I set my alarm for 5.50a.m, we'd had a heavy fall of snow the night before so I was worried about the conditions of the roads, would rather get there early than late. I was awake at 4! Couldn't sleep, my leg was bothering me, but I thought this was the day I'd been waiting for so long, my pain would get sorted later on. I had suffered for some 8 months with this bloody condition although I'd had them for the past twenty years, I wanted to get rid of but on the other hand they were apart of me, I was saying goodbye to them.. if you can understand where I'm coming from with this one. I got to the hospital at 6.50, got registered and sat in the waiting room. My palms were sweaty, I was shaking .. mainly due to having not eaten since the evening before, I wasn't even allowed water or gum. In case the spinal injection didn't work, they would put me out totally. I have to admit I wasn't looking forward to any of the needles especially the one in my spine. I was seen by a nurse who checked my date of birth, etc on more than one occasion. Then I came face to face with the man who was going to rebuild my left leg, the man himself...god! He used to thick black felt tip pen and circled the offending veins and other problem areas, my leg resembled an ordinance survey map afterwards. I also found out that yes they would burn my vein from the inside BUT that they intended making incisions to remove the dead veins.. I hadn't figured this part out. I was seen by the anaesthetist, he was a very nice young man. And later I found out he had a sense of humour too. At 8.15a.m myself and six other patients walked down to the ward where we would be sorted into categories for surgery, I just thought we all had knackered veins...apparently not.
I sat in the waiting room for a few minutes. The new hospital took six years to build, it is a magnificent place, but it is hard to get round, I was given a map when I first arrived. The nurses and doctors must have sat nav! Eventually it was my turn. Another room, time to strip off and wear one of those fashionable gowns that every body's talking about.... the kind that never fits and shows your 'butt' off to everyone you don't know! I had taken a CD to listen to whilst they tripped and burned my leg. Time to reflect the what happened next. Another waiting room, another doctor , another nurse, all very nice people, well they have to be, they're in the people business. I watched some cartoon on the tv whilst I waited to go theatre. Michelle who was in charge of my anaesthetics checked my details again. I told her I'd brought a CD to listen too, she asked my which one, her face lit up when I said it was 'Led Zeppelin' she listens to LZ all the time on her ipod. But I have to admit I can't remember anything due to saying yes and having every type of sedative going. I have two puncture marks on my left hand where the very nice young man with the sense of humour tried.. get this ' in vein' to find a vein to insert the needle. my veins in my hands are so thin they had great difficulty to insert the needle. My face was contorted in pain...I told the doctor that I wasn't going to look at the needles as I don't like needles, he replied he wasn't going to look either, worrying as he was the man administrating them... Lol! I smiled at him, he laughed, we all laughed, my nerves slightly eased. He then tried my right hand... success!! Next came the spinal one, the one I'd been dreading... I held Michelle's hand.. it wasn't too bad... eventually. After about three seconds I started to lose the feeling in my legs, my god he was good. All I can remember is seeing my leg in the air covered in iodine, the time flew by, but not really, I was as high as a kite, it took more like 45 minutes. I have no idea what he's done. I didn't find out until three hours later that it hurt all over. The feeling started to return. I had an intravenous drip in my right hand, apparently to stop me dehydrating. I haven't been stitched, but a I have butterfly stitches, which is worrying, so I have to make sure and hope I don't pull the skin when walking otherwise the wound will pull apart. A huge bandage from groin to big toe. I can't walk.. I have to shuffle up and down stairs on my arse!! Most lady like! I was eventually let out of hospital at 7p.m last night. Wheel chair to the car park, my dad collected me. I was so glad to be home. I have a wooden stick to aid me with my wobbling! I can't describe it as walking because it isn't. It's amazing, it's fully automatic, fully loaded, easy to use, has many different uses.. especially for hitting idiots who get in my way. I'm on strong pain killers. I have every intention of mixing these drugs with a large amount of alcohol later. I am off to my Friends for Christmas dinner, I am going to be waited on hand and foot. I am glad it's all over, I have to admit I didn't think I'd be so sore, I certainly didn't think I'd be in hospital ALL day. I met a lot of nice people, made some friends, had a laugh with the nurses and doctors, they work so god damn hard 365 days of the years 24/7, they are our angels, I met my god. I'd like to wish all of them a very 'HAPPY CHRISTMAS.' I get the bandage off in a week, the dressing changed.

Sunday, 20 December 2009

Three days and counting

Three days to go. My nerves are fairly steady. My leg is very itchy I have varicose eczema, which isn't so bad apart from when I can't stop itching, itching until the skin breaks and it bleeds. Oh the relief. So it's three days to my operation, three days to getting a new leg. Twenty years later and it's finally here. I actually looked at some dresses last week. Something I haven't done for so long. Having these hideous varicose veins has prevented me from wearing any thing that shows my legs. To afraid to show this ugliness off to the world. There isn't any thing in life that I'm actually really scared of, apart from heights, needles and men. The procedure involves an Epidural, a thin long needle inserted into the lower part pf my spine to freeze the area so the surgeon can cut into my veins... 'Ooooow' this sounds too messy for me, I hope the epidural works otherwise I'll have to be knocked out, this also means me waking up on Christmas day in hospital... so fingers crossed they get it right the first time. I went to give my pint of blood last week, I had a very interesting conversation with the nurse in charge, who said it was out of the question, regarding my day on 24th Dec, it's best that I keep my pint of blood as it will speed up the healing process, makes sense I guess. She had had her varicose veins done a few years ago, she explained how I would feel, that my leg would no doubt be black n blue with bruising. She also wondered why on earth I'd want this done on Christmas Eve of all days? I think I got a cancellation, I NEED this done so badly, my leg hurts constantly, I'm in pain, I can't wait any longer. She smiled and wished me the very best.. if anything I'm looking forward to resting for five days, but we'll see how long that lasts as I can't normally sit still.....unless of course I'm posing, that I can do till the cows come home. I can really get back to normality with my writing whilst I'm restricted to sitting down. Of course eating
and drinking copious amounts of alcohol will be my first priority Lol!

Saturday, 12 December 2009

Time to Reflect

Time to reflect the people we've lost, the friends who have died.
The times we have laughed, the times we have cried.
Raise a glass to the heroes of war, raise a fist the governments
who get it wrong, for the ones who gave their lives, for us.. for
the families who won't ever see their loved ones again.
We don't live in a nice world, but we make great friends along the way.
So I'd like to raise a glass or two, wish them all the best, that's you
you, you and you. Time to say we're sorry, to apologise for being wrong..
turn up the music and let's sing a song. With merry Cheer and laughter
too. I like to dedicate Christmas to all of you. To all my friends who
I've come to know, in blog land, cyberspace, for the one's who I have
never seen, but who are full of 'amazing grace.'
If I could rule the world..this is what I would do:-
I'd end all wars, send the soldiers home, feed the starving, give
the homeless a home. Take care of the orphans, make them belong,
Help my friends when life goes wrong. Look after my family, which
also extends not only to the related but also my friends.
Find a cure for all illnesses that kill..this is my want..
this is my will. So MERRY CHRISTMAS & A HAPPY NEW YEAR to all
of you living somewhere out there.. Take care...I will.


Thursday, 10 December 2009

Bit by Bit

Bit by bit I will get to you ~ Bit by bit I let you get to me.
Bit by bit I have taken my time and effort to get rid of you.
Bit by bit I have undone all that you gave to me....
Bit by bit I have taken away the love that I gave you..
But by bit I have reclaimed back my life
Bit by bit I have come to understand, understand that
Bit by bit over the years you took from me, abused me.
Bit by bit I won't allow you to take any more because
Bit by bit I don't want you any more.
Bit by bit you will not bore me any more.. and
Bit by bit I won't pose for you any more..
Bit by bit we won't eat cake or drink vanilla tea any more
Bit by bit.......... I don't love you anymore..
Bit by bit ... I'm not listening now..
Bit by bit......I won't ever know where I got it wrong
Bit by bit... I don't give a f*ck no more.
Bit by bit... I think I've just made my POINT!

Monday, 7 December 2009

To Bare all

Here it is at last, the painting I was given.
An elderly gentleman painted it on the night,
I asked if I could take a picture of it on my
mobile phone, and he said better than that
I could have it. I do like it a lot. It consists
of two very easy poses. If I remember rightly
I was aching from the night before, where upon
I had posed for the High school 6th form art
students. The first time I stripped off for the
students, I wondered just how they would cope
seeing a nude! They took it in their stride as I would expect any up and coming artist to do, after all they aren't looking at any thing that is rude, this is art, I'm guessing they're studying the form, distances, measuring height, lighting
shading. I just find a spot to focus on, put myself into the chosen position and wait for the teacher to say go. I never check the clock, I don't wear a watch. Some times the minutes rush by but other times is tends to drag. Depending what pose I'm doing as to how comfortable I am... this all adds to the session. But of course the longer the pose the more 'uncomfortable I can become, this adds to the cramps. I some times try to grin and bare it. The tortured expression on my face usually gives the show away. Some one will notice that I'm in pain.. a voice will call out 'OK take a break' these words are priceless..!! We get treated to biscuits and fresh;y made tea. I get robed up and walk around looking at the attempts some of the people have made to try and capture my features, some have it... others Lol.
Time up and it's back to the pose. Usually I can remember where my feet were, what arm was where etc; etc; If the pose is a difficult one then some one will come round with a piece of charcoal and just put a few lines to show the feet position. Classical music usual plays in the back ground, but I much prefer some thing with a pulse..

Sunday, 6 December 2009

Naked Truth

OK this is how it is. I have been for the past eighteen years or so a Life model for art. Yes I take my clothes off for art. I get paid for standing-sitting-lying still for long periods of time. I don't have many pictures of me. I have modelled for a high school 6th form art class. I have modelled for an evening class for any one from amateur to very good. I do have a picture of one person who has painted me.. that takes pride of place on my wall. I'll show you one day... maybe! I have a good eye for art. I know what I like and have been to plenty of art exhibitions. I'm well known for sitting exactly still for so long, anybody else would give up. Cramp plays a large part in my job. Pulled muscles too, aches and pains. So why do I do it? I like my body, I'm proud of what I look like and I like to express my self through art. It all started back when friends of mine needed a new model and asked if I'd be interested? I was I have to admit intrigued.. so I agreed to do it. I was OK until standing there in front of about twelve complete strangers at which point they said 'OK take your dressing gown off!' It took quite a few minutes- but after that I was hooked. And people.. that is what I have been doing for the past eighteen years on and off. There was one place I used to pose for and until just recently, well with in the past twelve months I actually got money, well deserved money should I add. I don't work for nothing. So that is it. Next time your staring at a nude of a man or woman in some provocative pose with a stunning body, smile upon their face, just take a step back and look again at the stance.. think about not the picture put how long, how many hours they were in that position... try it next time you have half an hour, pick a pose and hold it perfectly still for 'half' an hour. Hard work I know you'll find. I love what I do, my new years calender is packed with offers of work. I shall be very busy. I meet lots of very interesting people along my way. Some art tutors have passed my name on to other art tutors. I am very popular. Iremember some years ago going to my first ever art exhibition, a lady there Anne, she had got a picture of me on her wall, I offered to buy it, she said I wouldn't be able to afford it, this put a huge smile on my face.

Saturday, 5 December 2009

Bare all -part one

I've always admired people who pose for art. I had a very interesting conversation today with a woman in an art shop.. well it was a shop that sells art work for different artists..I've been in there before, the price tags are a bit too high for my pocket but should I like a piece then I might consider it, but I have to fall in love with it. We got chatting and the one piece that caught my eye was a semi naked female draped in a sheet with her back turned towards me,kneeling down, the sheet softly clenched with her hands over her breasts, her chin just inches away from the side of her shoulder with a wicked looking expression on her face as if to say ' what the fuck you looking at?' The more I looked at the painting the more I felt her eyes were inviting me into the picture. Well that was my interpretation of it. I couldn't take my eyes of this awesome painting, I must have stood there for some considerable time. I felt a draft as this woman, very beautiful woman waltzed past me and made an immediate turn back to me getting very close;almost breathing down my neck. I would have put her in her early to mid forties.. stunning. She asked if she could be of any assistance (Hmm my mind momentarily went into over drive) 'um.. yeah.. well' my words came out rather quickly and not exactly in the right order. I tend to stutter some times when I'm in the presence of a gorgeous woman. The conversation went from what I liked about the painting. I'm no expert at art but I know when I've found a piece that I've fallen in love with. ' I like the way the artist has captured her innocence, but from the look on her face she looks like she has a different agenda. I felt her eyes scan the length of my body, as I looked at her our eyes suddenly met. I felt myself blush. I ran my tongue around my lips, my mouth had suddenly become dry, it was incredibly warm in the shop, I was in full bike leathers as I'd arrived on my motorbike. I started to feel faint. I staggered and almost trod on her feet. I felt embarrassed to say the least. 'Quickly.. some body get a glass of water'... I leaned against a free wall,wafting my face with my hand and trying to look not so stupid. I found a spare high stool and draped my tired legs around it. 'Are you OK?' she asked with some concern in her voice. 'Yeah I'm OK now thanks, just got a bit too hot, 'yes I bet you're hot in those black leathers?'OK now she's flirting with me. The shop was starting to fill up now, so I sat there for a while longer. She wandered off to attend some other customers, I found myself watching her. She'd got shiny black hair, it came down her back and seemed to glisten in the lights. Her eyes were stunning ice green. Her complexion was perfect.
She was wearing tight black satin trousers which complimented her cute little ass, each curve filled with fabric as though it were painted on. High heels that brought her to my height of about 5'10." Her perfume was delicate, it made me want her. She wore a white long sleeved shirt with a stiff collar, cuff links in her cuffs. Her shirt was showing just a glimpse of cleavage. Her painted red nails.. pure indulgence. I'd forgotten about the painting, but looking back at it I suddenly realised that I'd seen her some where before... but where? I checked my watch, one hour had passed since I entered the shop. I was by no means in a hurry.
After all I'd fallen in love.......... with this painting. A small crowd started to form around 'my' painting and 'my' new woman appeared to be in the centre of the crowd. It was only then that I realised where I'd seen her before. She was the woman in the painting! My jaw dropped. I new then that I wanted her.... and the painting.
I climbed of the stool and slowly made my way toward the front of the crowd, looking for her face.. listening for her name. I had fallen in love with this beautiful creature.. I had to know her name.

Friday, 4 December 2009


It's been a long and some times emotional year. I never really had closure on an event that happened some years ago. Over the past couple of months I have however come to realise that I can now actually move on. I have moved on. I feel so much better, whole again. My spiritual being is now complete. My smile has returned, my energy levels can now operate 100%. I've also had a good clear out. It's funny how we tend to hold on to stuff that we don't really need. I had several paintings that had too many memories so I did the necessary, gave them a good burial- in the dustbin! It felt good to de clutter my life.. rid the past to make room for the future. So should the person who I'm talking about happen to read this short story, you'll possibly realise that I HAVE left you. I aint coming back. It's obvious that you're not interested in my well being and personally I don't give a sh*t. So here's to my future .. I know it's going to be good. I have so many things planned. I have a tattoo to plan, a new leg to look forward to. Now that I know I haven't got anything wrong with my breast, I've had the all clear I can move on...'sigh of relief.' Five days off at Christmas, time to relax with my family & friends. In fact I will be very busy going to parties just before Christmas, time to meet new people and have a ball. I don't need to reflect on the past any more .. that is history. I am off to Canada next June for three weeks .. I can't wait. Time flies, it'll soon be here. So let me take this opportunity to say an early 'HAPPY CHRISTMAS' to every one in blog land, yeah I know it's three weeks away but I'm getting my greeting in first. May you all have a wicked & non Vanilla yule tide wherever you are.

Thursday, 3 December 2009


OK today I faced my fears. I went to the Breast clinic for a mammogram. It hurt.. but I expected it would... I swore... I knew I would! I apologised after using the 'f' word... I have manners. I went in just before my appointment and sat in the waiting room. I was the only one there at that time, but the room soon filled up with unsuspecting patients of all ages and sizes. My name was eventually called. I was shown a small carpeted room, told to stay there and the doctor would soon be in to see me. The walls were plastered with diagrams of breasts. Information about cysts and other problems. About five minutes later the door opened and a shortish well dressed man walked in and introduced himself as Mr. Rogers the consultant. He sat down and preceded to read my notes. I was nervous to say the least. I had sweaty palms and a dry mouth. He then asked me if I knew why he wouldn't do my varicose veins? The reason he asked this was because he is the consultant for the Breast clinic and the Varicose vein clinic that I attended earlier in the year. This was the first time I'd actually met the man, at this point I didn't tell him I'd gone to another hospital and was having them done in three weeks time! He told me to strip off all my clothes above my waist and lie on the couch.. this I did. He had warm hands and as to ease my nerves I commented him on this, but he didn't smile!
He did however notice the ugly snake tattoo on my right arm and ask me 'what was the meaning of this?' I paused and replied...'it's a long story!' Like it was any of his god damn business anyway!! He couldn't find the cyst but said I'd have the mammogram anyway just to make sure. I still wasn't convinced I was in the clear. Any how the nurse was very good at trying to lever my breast from my body on to a cold slab and proceed to squash it... at that point tears formed in my eyes and I swore at her!!
If you've ever had one of these then you'll understand where I'm coming from! Four times this happened two on each breast. I dressed again and went back into the waiting room which by this time was over flowing with women.. and the occasional screaming child. Flicking through year old magazines not really reading them just checking the page numbers and glancing at the pictures, my name's called out and I find myself in the previous small room. I'd been at the Breast clinic just over two hours and was getting rather hot n bothered, but judging by the colour of the sky outside I would soon cool off when I left the building. Dark skies were forming, rain was on the way. Mr. Rogers was accompanied by a nurse this time... which made me slightly uneasy.. he explained that every thing had gone well.. every thing was fine and the reason I was suffering with a painful breast was due to A. my age
B. lack of hormones & C. I'm in the category of 'painful breasts.' Some women get these problems and I'm one of them. He wrote down the things I can do to self aid this. Cut out caffeine, take oil of evening primrose capsules 320mgs a day for the next twelve months, reduce chocolate intake (I never eat the stuff,) take Ibuprofen for the pain, wear a firm bra (of which I already do). So all that unnecessary worrying has worn me out. BUT .... if we/I didn't worry about some thing that is so close to my heart (literally) I wouldn't be human. I thanked the doctor and proceeded to shake his hand. Yes I am going to live... YES I am so going to have a large glass of wine tonight... YES! YES! YYYYYYYYYYYYYESSSSSSSSSS I'm happy. I'm still in some conciderable discomfort but I now know that it's not dangerous and I'm not going to need surgery, I'm not going to die young.... 'OH MY GOD!' I so want to jump up and down with joy but I can't my breast still feels like it's been ripped off and used a a football and put back on!!I'd like to thank all my friends out there in blog land for supporting me and giving me hope, helping me to understand. You were there with me today Secretia & Spiky, I don't know if you heard me but I spoke to you both quietly under my breath. I am totally 'Elated.'

Wednesday, 2 December 2009

Silence is Golden

Silence is golden, my mind is clear from all the traffic that has travelled through it the past eight years. Tomorrow is at the back of my thoughts, I've found a remedy for the knowing and not wanting to know... it's called red wine and plenty of it. I am in a dangerous mood at this present moment in time... but I think I'm in control... going out for a fag in a minute. I feel so in control I feel I want to cry! Or do I want to cry because I'm not really in control? I am watching a recording of 'Queen' at the moment, that in itself can make me very emotional...! I was told once to live my life so that I was satisfied, my dear Grandmother told me just that... bless her she died at the grand age of 96 of dementia. I remember going to say my good byes when she was close to dying... you can't get more raw emotion than that, she passed away three weeks later.
I am trying to come to the terms in the body that I live, I have a bloody vein in my left leg, I must have scratched it in my sleep... this is not good BUT and I just love waiting for the 'BUT' I'm counting down my days to the Eve of Christmas when I eventually after twenty years... get the operation to have them mended. I can't wait, I also look forward to get this damn awful tattoo on my right arm covered...SORRY............................'SORRY' I'm having a panic attack!! I'm getting rid of all the shit that still haunts me...Fuck!!!!!!!! Sharp knives apart...
I'm losing the plot again... what was I on about? Oh yeah sharp knives.. ;))))))).
Exhaustion can play a big part in emotions can't it? I've had a fun filled weekend in rainy Wales, driven through deep floods, waded through shin deep flood water in my stockin feet with my trousers up above my knees!! Great fun. Breathe taking scenery, friendly people and lovely food. Done over 400 miles and enjoyed every inch of the way. So why do I feel like I wanna die? Only joking folks... it's the wine swimming round my head 'BUT' let me tell you that 'Silence is Golden.'