Wednesday, 2 December 2009

Silence is Golden

Silence is golden, my mind is clear from all the traffic that has travelled through it the past eight years. Tomorrow is at the back of my thoughts, I've found a remedy for the knowing and not wanting to know... it's called red wine and plenty of it. I am in a dangerous mood at this present moment in time... but I think I'm in control... going out for a fag in a minute. I feel so in control I feel I want to cry! Or do I want to cry because I'm not really in control? I am watching a recording of 'Queen' at the moment, that in itself can make me very emotional...! I was told once to live my life so that I was satisfied, my dear Grandmother told me just that... bless her she died at the grand age of 96 of dementia. I remember going to say my good byes when she was close to dying... you can't get more raw emotion than that, she passed away three weeks later.
I am trying to come to the terms in the body that I live, I have a bloody vein in my left leg, I must have scratched it in my sleep... this is not good BUT and I just love waiting for the 'BUT' I'm counting down my days to the Eve of Christmas when I eventually after twenty years... get the operation to have them mended. I can't wait, I also look forward to get this damn awful tattoo on my right arm covered...SORRY............................'SORRY' I'm having a panic attack!! I'm getting rid of all the shit that still haunts me...Fuck!!!!!!!! Sharp knives apart...
I'm losing the plot again... what was I on about? Oh yeah sharp knives.. ;))))))).
Exhaustion can play a big part in emotions can't it? I've had a fun filled weekend in rainy Wales, driven through deep floods, waded through shin deep flood water in my stockin feet with my trousers up above my knees!! Great fun. Breathe taking scenery, friendly people and lovely food. Done over 400 miles and enjoyed every inch of the way. So why do I feel like I wanna die? Only joking folks... it's the wine swimming round my head 'BUT' let me tell you that 'Silence is Golden.'

8 comments:

UBERMOUTH said...

Indigo, you think too much. Too much thinking is not good for anyone.

Now you go to have your mammogram tomnorrow right?

As your breast is being squished in the patty maker, just remember I am right there beside you holding the other breast.

I did not forget.

All will be well. :)

Indigo said...

UBS ~ I am for some reason now smiling.! So when I feel this tweek on my right breast it'll be your hand? OK ..... I drink way too much too, I get down and depressed too... but I get up again n wipe up the spilt wine .. refill my glass n carry on getting pissed. I have butterflies NOW! See you tomorrow x

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Indigo: sweetie, I say what I feel just like you. I can't help myself and at times i don't know what I'm going to do.

I know there's times when things aren't as you would want them to be. You're a little hard on yourself. But babe, I you better than you think.

Don't look away. Not when there's a beautiful smile you can share with others.

sweetheart there isn't always a price to pay...Things will start to roll your way. You have wonderful friends.

Look at uberbabe, she's here. She rocks huh. And she'll be there for you as I will. All your friends will be there. You just remember that.

baby...so chin up. You have a wonderful day tomorrow. It's be good...just watch. xx

later babe.

Indigo said...

Spiky ~ I thnk I'm just in panic mode. I was fine last time I had a mammogram, then I knew there wasn't any thing wrong, but the doc this time could feel a lump.... I felt nothing last time, that's the part that has gotten a hold of my brain, the part I can't shift. Yeah... I am in good hands, I'll have this audience of positive friends there with me, hope I don't start talking to myself eh? Thanks babe xx

UBERMOUTH said...

And your story has made me realize I should go and have my first mammogram too. Now is there a blog on the sphere that has more direct impact than yours?

Spiky and I will be sitting here,sentry at your blog, awaiting your return with good news.

* Spiky will probably drink all your wine though. :)

Indigo said...

UBS ~ I will be thinking of you and Spiky all the time, that you are awaiting my safe return with good news. I've just done two hours work and left, hopefully to return with a smile on my face. AND a glass of red for tonight to celebrate life! Thank you to all of you out there who so obviously care xx

Secretia said...

I am with you in spirit, Indigo.
I hold your hand. I hold your heart. I drink red wine with you. You're in my prayers.

OK.

Secretia

Indigo said...

Secretia ~ I hold this warm glass of red wine up and celebrate my life... I shall write about it later, but for now I have to go back to work! All I can say is thank you, I hold you very dear to my heart... Oh and it HURT!!