Dealing with stuff

A few drinks and our favourite music playing... life seemed just fine, then it all came flooding back. I really thought I'd got over you, I'd been kidding myself for so fucking long now... but it's the wine playing tricks on my mind, my emotions are flooding, I've been up too long. I remember when I'd text you in the morning to say my hello's and again in the afternoon, then last thing at night before I retired to my bed. I have a book full of hellos and goodbyes. How the days were made of candy, so sweet and un real, our lives were made in heaven, My life would never be the same again, or so I thought. If you are reading this now, you'll now what I'm talking about. no names mentioned but you now who you are. I have a magic box full and over flowing with spent love, your scent, your perfume, you. I keep wanting to have a tidy out, get rid of the things that no longer have any meaning, I really thought I could do it, I was wrong, I can't not yet, not quite ready for that just yet. You know who you are, you brought love into my existence, gave me so much and I gave you my every thing. I can't let go, and I'm not sure I ever will. I've tried so fucking hard to cast you aside, like you did me, just a bit on the side you said, I have to write about it like that because that's how it was, fucking painful. Love isn't all it's cracked up to be, I feel very hurt some times, when I remember what we had, what I lost.. I really have to fight against what I still feel. So why now I here you ask? why talk about it again? I've been awake too long, I'm messed up and drunk, it's the wine's fault! I never did get it off my chest did I? I NEVER told my side of the story, how I felt? This might hurt you, you know who you are. I wanted to die that day. I went to hell and back, thought about suicide, yeah pathetic I know but that's how I felt. Why now? why not?
May be it's time to say goodbye. Time to have that tidy out! Light the bonfire and say my farewells! Out with the old and make room for the new whatever! Life's shit some times, this is for real, this is how it is, that's how it was then, time heals does it? That's a load of bull shit and every one knows it. I don't want forgiveness, it's too late for that, I've written my heart out tonight, it' was there and I had to write, it's the wine talking and I'm too tired to care. I know what we had, what we lost, I loved you so fucking much. I was doing so well, but just lately I've had different visions, coming from every direction, I'm lost some times, take a different direction, I'm still dealing with stuff, I'll get there one day, but there's no immediate rush!

It's only just begun..

In 1996 I ran my first London Marathon. Some thing I'd always wanted to achieve. I trained for six months, went through numerous packets of plasters, new running shoes, injury after injury. At this moment in time I'm watching the 28th London Marathon, I'm with them in spirit every step of the way. I know what it's like to stand on the starting line, the taste of your breakfast still fresh in the pit of your stomach, heart burn, nerves and excitement attacking you from every angle. The year I ran it was the hottest on record; running out of bottled water at just seven miles. I lost several toe nails with the constant pounding of my feet hitting the road, rubbing against the inside of my Nike trainers. If you think you've ever suffered cramp then you've never run 26 miles 385 yards before, that's real cramp for you.But the race itself is a test of endurance, emotional, trauma. The hard work doesn't start just there, the real hard work starts with the sponsoring, then the collecting of the funds. Each person doing their best to raise much needed cash for well worth charities. My total amount was around £1,200 for Asthma research. So I've been there done that they even gave me a T-shirt for it; but it's the pride of taking part. I won't be doing it again, but you never know what's around the corner?
My toe nail has survived, slightly tender but with out infection.. nothing to compare with really, nothing like what the 28,000 competitors will be suffering after their courageous efforts today and the pride of holding close their 'medals' that they will receive later in the day. I wore my medal for a whole month I was so proud of my commitment and courage for my run. But it doesn't stop me getting emotional every year when I sit in front of the television to witness yet another Flora London Marathon, been ther done that!

Lost cause

OK... so I've given up bread for lent, god knows why, but I have, I've lost some weight in the process, not wanting to try and lose weight.. but I have! Can't give up fags, cuz I've done that and into my 5th month now. Can't give up chocolate cuz I can't eat it, I have an allergy to it..shit happens! Anyway I've been really good just lately cuz I haven't self harmed!!! AND that for me is a major break through, so I'm raising my glass to myself ...'Mmmm' this red wine's got a sexy body, velvety and smooth. I'm turning over a new leaf so to speak. I feel emotionally drained instead. Why? Well I'm not quite sure but I put it down to over load. My brain has been starved of attention from the adrenaline rush I felt from cutting..please don't judge me. Unless you know me and can relate to my problems then please DONOT judge me. I feel most vulnerable when I've had a drink, but with the help and guidance of several good friends who visit my blog, and they know who they are...'Thank you' to you. I shall endeavor to follow my new found path of a clean living, terminology used for ex- druggies-users-cutters etc;etc;etc.
I will be taking part in the race for life challenge in May of this year to raise much needed funds for Cancer research.. I had retired from running, but this is my new quest, to dust off my running shoes and take to the roads to train, for the ones who weren't so lucky. So you see there is a reason for carrying on, making the most of what I have, and for a 5k run I hope to raise a load of dosh.. I have already got sponsors for over £100.00. They say money isn't everything, but in this case it sure as hell helps, although I'd much rather have the people back, my family and friends who've died. This makes my problems melt in to insignificance, but because I can't diminish them that easily, I can fall back on my raising cash for a good cause.