Hurt

Lookin back I regret everything I ever did in my life,
everyone I ever tried to love... I gave my everything,
that was my down fall. I only ever wanted to be loved.
I love...loved every one I came into contact with...
when things went tits up I blamed myself, like a
sponge I soaked up all the negative thoughts, they
dropped me like a red hot brick...discarded..spat
out. Finished... I was left to pick up the pieces.
This time I thought I'd got the hang of things..
Proves I didn't.... but I've learnt one thing in
my tedious existence on earth to not give in! I
won't-can't admit to being wrong... I've kidded
myself for such a long time that I was no longer
in love... thought it better to quit while I still
had my sanity, look where that got me. I am twisted,
sad... empty... but there it goes again. I won't
admit to being wrong. As I see it in my eyes I
wouldn't have come up to standards, I set the
bar... further than I can ever touch.. Diamonds
are not my best friend, I'm a nobody who doesn't
deserve fine stones... the only thing I should
be wearing around my neck is a noose..........!
My mother always used to say when I had friends
around for tea, I'd sit down at my piano to play,
stop showing off.... So I never showed off again,
confidence knocked from an early age. Follows you
around in adult life...
I don't want to know what rows ya boat, too busy
trying to stop myself from getting any deeper in
to the self harming regime again. Blades out shiny
and new... it's like riding a bike... some more
practice and I was off again... fresh wounds!!
I'm not looking for pity...s o don't give me any.
I have grown to know when the shit has hit the
fan, I have also learnt how to avoid the shit,
by ducking... or in my case pretending it isn't
happening.... because in my own little world
everything is perfect, rosy and smells of
vanilla. I tried to be a slave once, because
she said she loved me, I was beaten, whipped
had unmentionables done to me because I thought
if I didn't comply she wouldn't love me... in
the end she just used me...spat me out I'm
left to pick up the pieces... life's a
bitch called Indi and then I will die..
at least in death no-one can use me.
But these are just words on a page...I
don't believe what I write anymore..
I certainly don't love me anymore..
by the way these words aren't for
your benefit if you happen to read this
of which I hope you don't. I wouldn't,
couldn't cope with you thinking I'm
some sad bitch, I might be in my head
but that is for me to think about
and no-one else ya hear me....? So
what to you all want for Christmas?
Apart from world peace and no more
starving in the world... I want to
be happy with who I am...
I won't write words that I think
people would want me to write or
want them to read because I want
them to like what I write...