Against the grain

I've never been selfish in my life.
Generous to a fault my mother used
to say... shirt off my back I'd give
if I thought it'd help, last penny
in my pocket to anyone I'd give.
I like to be of help.. putting
others first, fighting peoples
wars.. giving a helping hand.
I really am struggling to put
me first for a change, it
doesn't seem to come
naturally, of course it
isn't who I am. If I am
to recover this dismal
state of depression that
I'm in, I need to carry
on regardless or I
won't conquer anything.
Some days I find my
mind wandering to far
and distant lands,
lands where I shouldn't
go, the demons will be
waiting to take me by
my hand. These inner
screams are deafening
I don't know what to
do... how long do I
have to defend myself.
When I stare in the
mirror, a frightened
young girl meets me
with fear in her
eyes.. most nights
I don't have pretty
dreams but night-
mares in black
and white.