Wednesday, 30 December 2009

Come to me

I shall no longer look for her.
If she is there she will find me.
If she wants me she must reach out.
I am waiting but in no hurry for
what is worth waiting for shall
come to me. I am in no rush..time
waits for no one... but for me I
have all the time in the world.
If she looks in my direction
I will hold her glance with ease.
I, on the other hand..will hold
hers... and her heart. Our love
will grow from this new
seed, our tears will give
strength to what we have
accomplished. If she is out
there, she will find me.
If she wants me I will wait
for her, we will find new
love. I will.. with all
my heart...Love you.

Tuesday, 29 December 2009

H.N.Y 2010

An early wish from Indigo ... make it a great one, it'll soon be here!






Bare All - part two.

'Time ladies and gentlemen' a voice called out. The crowd started to make for the huge glass door at the front of the shop. I was being shoved left right and centre as they brushed past me. I caught one man's elbow as he pushed his way toward the woman. Embracing her in his arms he kissed her quickly on both cheeks then one last kiss on her lips. 'Goodbye my sweet Madison I've had a ball today.. your works are sublime.' And with that he turned and left. I was soon the only one left standing in the shop. I was just about to grab my coat and walk away when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned. 'And where do you think you're going?' I felt the heat rise in my face a sudden rush of desire in my pussie.' I thought the show was over?' Madison walked around to face me she ran her index long red painted finger nail slowly down the side of my face poising at the entrance to my mouth. Her tongue sliding with accurate ease the length of her shiny red painted lips. 'Shhhhh... not another word.' She slid her hand into the grasp of mine and led the way to the back of the shop. Click click and the shop lights went out. Four digits on a security box a red light the doors automatically locked and we left. Up a set of stairs a long a narrow corridor low ceiling;I hit my head on more than one occasion but I didn't squeal just winced a bit. Obvious from the noise she glanced at me, 'You OK?' The pain taking away my laugh my expression diminished.. 'yeah not too bad.' Final destination. Through a solid oak door into a large open plan room. Floor to ceiling curtains draped in luscious deep purple. 'Here we are at last.. drink darling?' She walked towards a huge refrigerator sitting proud in the corner of the room. The clunking noise of her high heels against the softness of the solid oak floor. pulled the door open and took out of bottle of Champagne grabbed to glasses. My eyes scanned the room easels strewn every where, the smell of paint clung to the atmosphere. Two red leather chairs- an occasion table here and there, numerous books about every country scattered on shelves. A large vase of black Orchids placed in the centre of a round table. The room was hot. I started to feel dizzy. The chink of glasses, Madison stopped me from stumbling as she handed me one. 'I .... I feel kind of dizzy.' I missed my step and fell full length on to the wooden floor. Laughing uncontrollably she straddled my body. I could see right up her thighs, the out line of her breasts. The shadow of her shoulders. She bent down still holding the glasses, put them aside, knelt down, eventually lying down along the full length of me her elbows either side of my head. the increased desire to kiss her was unbearable. I felt the vibration of her heart dancing in her chest. I moved my legs;she slid between them. 'Well.. what do we have here?' I lay perfectly still my breasts brushed against the inside of my shirt. My arms lay relaxed beside my body not sure what to do next. 'What would you like to next?' She asked. I looked straight into her green eyes she looked back into mine. My hands found the sexy curve of her plump little ass. The tightness of the fabric outlining every inch of flesh restrained from harm locked away ,hidden. Italian jeans with a zipper down the side for easy access. Carefully my finger and thumb trace the out line of the metal zipper lifting the tab her eyes seemed to hypnotise me my breathing becoming heavier, hers becoming laboured. She leaned forward easing the weight off me, my other hand slides down the front of her groin. She sinks her teeth into my top lip letting out a soft muffled moan. A sharp intake of breath escapes her hold. She takes the weight on her knees. Pulling herself up. My left hand finds her heaven. I slide one finger then two deep into the moist folds of her labia. My other hand pulling the fabric down over her Italian ass. She sits up rips her shirt off and releases her beautiful juicy breasts. I follow her every move pealing off my shirt undoing my black leather jeans just to the waist. Discarding her jeans, I roll her over straddling her body. With gentle kisses I trace the length of her stomach poising at each breast. Taking each nipple in turn into my mouth, rolling it around, flicking it from left to right, blowing cool air on them.. gently teasing her. Running my hands through her shiny black locks. Pinning her to the floor. Goose bumps engulf her flesh. She tastes Divine. She arches her spine, her ribs enhanced as she inhales. Her nipples ..erect buds of naughtiness. My hand shaking, I find the top of her lace panties. Her pubic hair neatly trimmed, dark and full of mystery.
The scent of this Italian beauty. I look up at her. She is lost in abandonment. I resume my place of duty. Bending her knees sliding further down her thighs my tongue dances with the unknown. With this hidden jewel. Her scent is driving me to distraction. Licking the out line of her sex, chewing her flesh beneath the fabric of her existence. Her hands massage my head, one hand reaches up and our hands entwine.
She pulls me up with her other hand, our mouths engage in rough kissing, she can taste me on my fingers, I can feel her in my heart. We pull ourselves to sitting position against the wall. The sudden cold hitting my skin. I shudder. Our breasts bouncing. She bends down taking my nipples into her mouth, she fingers my clit, the sensations taking me higher. My hand finds her clit, warm juicy...wanting. Mutual masturbation. We kiss hard, she bites my face, I wince with pain, suck the blood away. 'Oh my god....' I feel the want, the need to cry out, my orgasm building like a steam train. Reaching out I grab a handful of her hair, she screams. I stare at her with total abandonment, my hand still buried in her clit, hers in mine. I cannot continue to kiss as the force of my orgasm drives me over the ......'Ohh.....' 'No....yesssss...Oh myyy godddddd' I hold on or all eternity, my legs shake with such force I feel I'm going die. My hand frantically rubbing her clit she too it coming, but I've lost control. We are coming. My legs tighten around her hand-trapped in my hole. Mouths apart, she slaps my face stopping as she slams her finger into my mouth, her sharp nails piercing my skin as the full force of the orgasm tear through our souls. Gyrating thrashing about as though we are fitting. She is lost but we are found. 'Oh you beautiful woman..' A whisper escapes her whithering body. After shocks still rape her. The full force of our lovemaking leaving me exhausted, legs twitching, muscles cramped. Our bodies drizzled in dew. Cold now, tired.. We slide down the wall on to the shag pile carpet. My knees still flickering. My clit in need of some more... I touch myself briefly. Finger tip on swollen clit and I'm coming again, only with more force this time. I cry out 'ARGHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...tears stream down my face, my body convulsing. Madison wraps her arms so tightly against me I fear I will suffocate. I lie silently weeping like a lost child. My face stained with spent tears, my nipples ache from temptations gone.

Monday, 28 December 2009

Shattered Love

I held the hand that wasn't there.
I felt the relief when you left.
Time heals all wounds, for a while
I didn't care. That 'while' still
remains, the heart is cold...
I am no longer there. You are no
longer here, I no longer stare
at the photo that once stood upon
the shelf. I no longer smell your
sweet perfume, wipe the remains of
the lost love. Re heat the menu..
to feel your skin, to lie beside
you, crumpled sheets where we once
lay, battered pillows of friendly play.
The crowd do gather, it's cold out
side, once again you are by my side.
The mourners gather, the rain clouds
form. My tears have dried, they no
longer fall. I'm frozen, shaking..
cold. My blood stained skin...
where the thorns has pierced me
within, the love that abandoned me.
Cast aside this red rose, down to the
sodden earth below. Dark is where you
belong, from where you shall lay..
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust....
from my hands the roses fall.
And I shall walk away.

Friday, 25 December 2009

HO HO HO ...

Yesterday was a day mixed full of turbulent emotions. I set my alarm for 5.50a.m, we'd had a heavy fall of snow the night before so I was worried about the conditions of the roads, would rather get there early than late. I was awake at 4! Couldn't sleep, my leg was bothering me, but I thought this was the day I'd been waiting for so long, my pain would get sorted later on. I had suffered for some 8 months with this bloody condition although I'd had them for the past twenty years, I wanted to get rid of but on the other hand they were apart of me, I was saying goodbye to them.. if you can understand where I'm coming from with this one. I got to the hospital at 6.50, got registered and sat in the waiting room. My palms were sweaty, I was shaking .. mainly due to having not eaten since the evening before, I wasn't even allowed water or gum. In case the spinal injection didn't work, they would put me out totally. I have to admit I wasn't looking forward to any of the needles especially the one in my spine. I was seen by a nurse who checked my date of birth, etc on more than one occasion. Then I came face to face with the man who was going to rebuild my left leg, the man himself...god! He used to thick black felt tip pen and circled the offending veins and other problem areas, my leg resembled an ordinance survey map afterwards. I also found out that yes they would burn my vein from the inside BUT that they intended making incisions to remove the dead veins.. I hadn't figured this part out. I was seen by the anaesthetist, he was a very nice young man. And later I found out he had a sense of humour too. At 8.15a.m myself and six other patients walked down to the ward where we would be sorted into categories for surgery, I just thought we all had knackered veins...apparently not.
I sat in the waiting room for a few minutes. The new hospital took six years to build, it is a magnificent place, but it is hard to get round, I was given a map when I first arrived. The nurses and doctors must have sat nav! Eventually it was my turn. Another room, time to strip off and wear one of those fashionable gowns that every body's talking about.... the kind that never fits and shows your 'butt' off to everyone you don't know! I had taken a CD to listen to whilst they tripped and burned my leg. Time to reflect the what happened next. Another waiting room, another doctor , another nurse, all very nice people, well they have to be, they're in the people business. I watched some cartoon on the tv whilst I waited to go theatre. Michelle who was in charge of my anaesthetics checked my details again. I told her I'd brought a CD to listen too, she asked my which one, her face lit up when I said it was 'Led Zeppelin' she listens to LZ all the time on her ipod. But I have to admit I can't remember anything due to saying yes and having every type of sedative going. I have two puncture marks on my left hand where the very nice young man with the sense of humour tried.. get this ' in vein' to find a vein to insert the needle. my veins in my hands are so thin they had great difficulty to insert the needle. My face was contorted in pain...I told the doctor that I wasn't going to look at the needles as I don't like needles, he replied he wasn't going to look either, worrying as he was the man administrating them... Lol! I smiled at him, he laughed, we all laughed, my nerves slightly eased. He then tried my right hand... success!! Next came the spinal one, the one I'd been dreading... I held Michelle's hand.. it wasn't too bad... eventually. After about three seconds I started to lose the feeling in my legs, my god he was good. All I can remember is seeing my leg in the air covered in iodine, the time flew by, but not really, I was as high as a kite, it took more like 45 minutes. I have no idea what he's done. I didn't find out until three hours later that it hurt all over. The feeling started to return. I had an intravenous drip in my right hand, apparently to stop me dehydrating. I haven't been stitched, but a I have butterfly stitches, which is worrying, so I have to make sure and hope I don't pull the skin when walking otherwise the wound will pull apart. A huge bandage from groin to big toe. I can't walk.. I have to shuffle up and down stairs on my arse!! Most lady like! I was eventually let out of hospital at 7p.m last night. Wheel chair to the car park, my dad collected me. I was so glad to be home. I have a wooden stick to aid me with my wobbling! I can't describe it as walking because it isn't. It's amazing, it's fully automatic, fully loaded, easy to use, has many different uses.. especially for hitting idiots who get in my way. I'm on strong pain killers. I have every intention of mixing these drugs with a large amount of alcohol later. I am off to my Friends for Christmas dinner, I am going to be waited on hand and foot. I am glad it's all over, I have to admit I didn't think I'd be so sore, I certainly didn't think I'd be in hospital ALL day. I met a lot of nice people, made some friends, had a laugh with the nurses and doctors, they work so god damn hard 365 days of the years 24/7, they are our angels, I met my god. I'd like to wish all of them a very 'HAPPY CHRISTMAS.' I get the bandage off in a week, the dressing changed.

Sunday, 20 December 2009

Three days and counting

Three days to go. My nerves are fairly steady. My leg is very itchy I have varicose eczema, which isn't so bad apart from when I can't stop itching, itching until the skin breaks and it bleeds. Oh the relief. So it's three days to my operation, three days to getting a new leg. Twenty years later and it's finally here. I actually looked at some dresses last week. Something I haven't done for so long. Having these hideous varicose veins has prevented me from wearing any thing that shows my legs. To afraid to show this ugliness off to the world. There isn't any thing in life that I'm actually really scared of, apart from heights, needles and men. The procedure involves an Epidural, a thin long needle inserted into the lower part pf my spine to freeze the area so the surgeon can cut into my veins... 'Ooooow' this sounds too messy for me, I hope the epidural works otherwise I'll have to be knocked out, this also means me waking up on Christmas day in hospital... so fingers crossed they get it right the first time. I went to give my pint of blood last week, I had a very interesting conversation with the nurse in charge, who said it was out of the question, regarding my day on 24th Dec, it's best that I keep my pint of blood as it will speed up the healing process, makes sense I guess. She had had her varicose veins done a few years ago, she explained how I would feel, that my leg would no doubt be black n blue with bruising. She also wondered why on earth I'd want this done on Christmas Eve of all days? I think I got a cancellation, I NEED this done so badly, my leg hurts constantly, I'm in pain, I can't wait any longer. She smiled and wished me the very best.. if anything I'm looking forward to resting for five days, but we'll see how long that lasts as I can't normally sit still.....unless of course I'm posing, that I can do till the cows come home. I can really get back to normality with my writing whilst I'm restricted to sitting down. Of course eating
and drinking copious amounts of alcohol will be my first priority Lol!

Saturday, 12 December 2009

Time to Reflect

Time to reflect the people we've lost, the friends who have died.
The times we have laughed, the times we have cried.
Raise a glass to the heroes of war, raise a fist the governments
who get it wrong, for the ones who gave their lives, for us.. for
the families who won't ever see their loved ones again.
We don't live in a nice world, but we make great friends along the way.
So I'd like to raise a glass or two, wish them all the best, that's you
you, you and you. Time to say we're sorry, to apologise for being wrong..
turn up the music and let's sing a song. With merry Cheer and laughter
too. I like to dedicate Christmas to all of you. To all my friends who
I've come to know, in blog land, cyberspace, for the one's who I have
never seen, but who are full of 'amazing grace.'
If I could rule the world..this is what I would do:-
I'd end all wars, send the soldiers home, feed the starving, give
the homeless a home. Take care of the orphans, make them belong,
Help my friends when life goes wrong. Look after my family, which
also extends not only to the related but also my friends.
Find a cure for all illnesses that kill..this is my want..
this is my will. So MERRY CHRISTMAS & A HAPPY NEW YEAR to all
of you living somewhere out there.. Take care...I will.


Thursday, 10 December 2009

Bit by Bit

Bit by bit I will get to you ~ Bit by bit I let you get to me.
Bit by bit I have taken my time and effort to get rid of you.
Bit by bit I have undone all that you gave to me....
Bit by bit I have taken away the love that I gave you..
But by bit I have reclaimed back my life
Bit by bit I have come to understand, understand that
Bit by bit over the years you took from me, abused me.
Bit by bit I won't allow you to take any more because
Bit by bit I don't want you any more.
Bit by bit you will not bore me any more.. and
Bit by bit I won't pose for you any more..
Bit by bit we won't eat cake or drink vanilla tea any more
Bit by bit.......... I don't love you anymore..
Bit by bit ... I'm not listening now..
Bit by bit......I won't ever know where I got it wrong
Bit by bit... I don't give a f*ck no more.
Bit by bit... I think I've just made my POINT!

Monday, 7 December 2009

To Bare all

Here it is at last, the painting I was given.
An elderly gentleman painted it on the night,
I asked if I could take a picture of it on my
mobile phone, and he said better than that
I could have it. I do like it a lot. It consists
of two very easy poses. If I remember rightly
I was aching from the night before, where upon
I had posed for the High school 6th form art
students. The first time I stripped off for the
students, I wondered just how they would cope
seeing a nude! They took it in their stride as I would expect any up and coming artist to do, after all they aren't looking at any thing that is rude, this is art, I'm guessing they're studying the form, distances, measuring height, lighting
shading. I just find a spot to focus on, put myself into the chosen position and wait for the teacher to say go. I never check the clock, I don't wear a watch. Some times the minutes rush by but other times is tends to drag. Depending what pose I'm doing as to how comfortable I am... this all adds to the session. But of course the longer the pose the more 'uncomfortable I can become, this adds to the cramps. I some times try to grin and bare it. The tortured expression on my face usually gives the show away. Some one will notice that I'm in pain.. a voice will call out 'OK take a break' these words are priceless..!! We get treated to biscuits and fresh;y made tea. I get robed up and walk around looking at the attempts some of the people have made to try and capture my features, some have it... others Lol.
Time up and it's back to the pose. Usually I can remember where my feet were, what arm was where etc; etc; If the pose is a difficult one then some one will come round with a piece of charcoal and just put a few lines to show the feet position. Classical music usual plays in the back ground, but I much prefer some thing with a pulse..

Sunday, 6 December 2009

Naked Truth

OK this is how it is. I have been for the past eighteen years or so a Life model for art. Yes I take my clothes off for art. I get paid for standing-sitting-lying still for long periods of time. I don't have many pictures of me. I have modelled for a high school 6th form art class. I have modelled for an evening class for any one from amateur to very good. I do have a picture of one person who has painted me.. that takes pride of place on my wall. I'll show you one day... maybe! I have a good eye for art. I know what I like and have been to plenty of art exhibitions. I'm well known for sitting exactly still for so long, anybody else would give up. Cramp plays a large part in my job. Pulled muscles too, aches and pains. So why do I do it? I like my body, I'm proud of what I look like and I like to express my self through art. It all started back when friends of mine needed a new model and asked if I'd be interested? I was I have to admit intrigued.. so I agreed to do it. I was OK until standing there in front of about twelve complete strangers at which point they said 'OK take your dressing gown off!' It took quite a few minutes- but after that I was hooked. And people.. that is what I have been doing for the past eighteen years on and off. There was one place I used to pose for and until just recently, well with in the past twelve months I actually got money, well deserved money should I add. I don't work for nothing. So that is it. Next time your staring at a nude of a man or woman in some provocative pose with a stunning body, smile upon their face, just take a step back and look again at the stance.. think about not the picture put how long, how many hours they were in that position... try it next time you have half an hour, pick a pose and hold it perfectly still for 'half' an hour. Hard work I know you'll find. I love what I do, my new years calender is packed with offers of work. I shall be very busy. I meet lots of very interesting people along my way. Some art tutors have passed my name on to other art tutors. I am very popular. Iremember some years ago going to my first ever art exhibition, a lady there Anne, she had got a picture of me on her wall, I offered to buy it, she said I wouldn't be able to afford it, this put a huge smile on my face.

Saturday, 5 December 2009

Bare all -part one

I've always admired people who pose for art. I had a very interesting conversation today with a woman in an art shop.. well it was a shop that sells art work for different artists..I've been in there before, the price tags are a bit too high for my pocket but should I like a piece then I might consider it, but I have to fall in love with it. We got chatting and the one piece that caught my eye was a semi naked female draped in a sheet with her back turned towards me,kneeling down, the sheet softly clenched with her hands over her breasts, her chin just inches away from the side of her shoulder with a wicked looking expression on her face as if to say ' what the fuck you looking at?' The more I looked at the painting the more I felt her eyes were inviting me into the picture. Well that was my interpretation of it. I couldn't take my eyes of this awesome painting, I must have stood there for some considerable time. I felt a draft as this woman, very beautiful woman waltzed past me and made an immediate turn back to me getting very close;almost breathing down my neck. I would have put her in her early to mid forties.. stunning. She asked if she could be of any assistance (Hmm my mind momentarily went into over drive) 'um.. yeah.. well' my words came out rather quickly and not exactly in the right order. I tend to stutter some times when I'm in the presence of a gorgeous woman. The conversation went from what I liked about the painting. I'm no expert at art but I know when I've found a piece that I've fallen in love with. ' I like the way the artist has captured her innocence, but from the look on her face she looks like she has a different agenda. I felt her eyes scan the length of my body, as I looked at her our eyes suddenly met. I felt myself blush. I ran my tongue around my lips, my mouth had suddenly become dry, it was incredibly warm in the shop, I was in full bike leathers as I'd arrived on my motorbike. I started to feel faint. I staggered and almost trod on her feet. I felt embarrassed to say the least. 'Quickly.. some body get a glass of water'... I leaned against a free wall,wafting my face with my hand and trying to look not so stupid. I found a spare high stool and draped my tired legs around it. 'Are you OK?' she asked with some concern in her voice. 'Yeah I'm OK now thanks, just got a bit too hot, 'yes I bet you're hot in those black leathers?'OK now she's flirting with me. The shop was starting to fill up now, so I sat there for a while longer. She wandered off to attend some other customers, I found myself watching her. She'd got shiny black hair, it came down her back and seemed to glisten in the lights. Her eyes were stunning ice green. Her complexion was perfect.
She was wearing tight black satin trousers which complimented her cute little ass, each curve filled with fabric as though it were painted on. High heels that brought her to my height of about 5'10." Her perfume was delicate, it made me want her. She wore a white long sleeved shirt with a stiff collar, cuff links in her cuffs. Her shirt was showing just a glimpse of cleavage. Her painted red nails.. pure indulgence. I'd forgotten about the painting, but looking back at it I suddenly realised that I'd seen her some where before... but where? I checked my watch, one hour had passed since I entered the shop. I was by no means in a hurry.
After all I'd fallen in love.......... with this painting. A small crowd started to form around 'my' painting and 'my' new woman appeared to be in the centre of the crowd. It was only then that I realised where I'd seen her before. She was the woman in the painting! My jaw dropped. I new then that I wanted her.... and the painting.
I climbed of the stool and slowly made my way toward the front of the crowd, looking for her face.. listening for her name. I had fallen in love with this beautiful creature.. I had to know her name.

Friday, 4 December 2009


It's been a long and some times emotional year. I never really had closure on an event that happened some years ago. Over the past couple of months I have however come to realise that I can now actually move on. I have moved on. I feel so much better, whole again. My spiritual being is now complete. My smile has returned, my energy levels can now operate 100%. I've also had a good clear out. It's funny how we tend to hold on to stuff that we don't really need. I had several paintings that had too many memories so I did the necessary, gave them a good burial- in the dustbin! It felt good to de clutter my life.. rid the past to make room for the future. So should the person who I'm talking about happen to read this short story, you'll possibly realise that I HAVE left you. I aint coming back. It's obvious that you're not interested in my well being and personally I don't give a sh*t. So here's to my future .. I know it's going to be good. I have so many things planned. I have a tattoo to plan, a new leg to look forward to. Now that I know I haven't got anything wrong with my breast, I've had the all clear I can move on...'sigh of relief.' Five days off at Christmas, time to relax with my family & friends. In fact I will be very busy going to parties just before Christmas, time to meet new people and have a ball. I don't need to reflect on the past any more .. that is history. I am off to Canada next June for three weeks .. I can't wait. Time flies, it'll soon be here. So let me take this opportunity to say an early 'HAPPY CHRISTMAS' to every one in blog land, yeah I know it's three weeks away but I'm getting my greeting in first. May you all have a wicked & non Vanilla yule tide wherever you are.

Thursday, 3 December 2009


OK today I faced my fears. I went to the Breast clinic for a mammogram. It hurt.. but I expected it would... I swore... I knew I would! I apologised after using the 'f' word... I have manners. I went in just before my appointment and sat in the waiting room. I was the only one there at that time, but the room soon filled up with unsuspecting patients of all ages and sizes. My name was eventually called. I was shown a small carpeted room, told to stay there and the doctor would soon be in to see me. The walls were plastered with diagrams of breasts. Information about cysts and other problems. About five minutes later the door opened and a shortish well dressed man walked in and introduced himself as Mr. Rogers the consultant. He sat down and preceded to read my notes. I was nervous to say the least. I had sweaty palms and a dry mouth. He then asked me if I knew why he wouldn't do my varicose veins? The reason he asked this was because he is the consultant for the Breast clinic and the Varicose vein clinic that I attended earlier in the year. This was the first time I'd actually met the man, at this point I didn't tell him I'd gone to another hospital and was having them done in three weeks time! He told me to strip off all my clothes above my waist and lie on the couch.. this I did. He had warm hands and as to ease my nerves I commented him on this, but he didn't smile!
He did however notice the ugly snake tattoo on my right arm and ask me 'what was the meaning of this?' I paused and replied...'it's a long story!' Like it was any of his god damn business anyway!! He couldn't find the cyst but said I'd have the mammogram anyway just to make sure. I still wasn't convinced I was in the clear. Any how the nurse was very good at trying to lever my breast from my body on to a cold slab and proceed to squash it... at that point tears formed in my eyes and I swore at her!!
If you've ever had one of these then you'll understand where I'm coming from! Four times this happened two on each breast. I dressed again and went back into the waiting room which by this time was over flowing with women.. and the occasional screaming child. Flicking through year old magazines not really reading them just checking the page numbers and glancing at the pictures, my name's called out and I find myself in the previous small room. I'd been at the Breast clinic just over two hours and was getting rather hot n bothered, but judging by the colour of the sky outside I would soon cool off when I left the building. Dark skies were forming, rain was on the way. Mr. Rogers was accompanied by a nurse this time... which made me slightly uneasy.. he explained that every thing had gone well.. every thing was fine and the reason I was suffering with a painful breast was due to A. my age
B. lack of hormones & C. I'm in the category of 'painful breasts.' Some women get these problems and I'm one of them. He wrote down the things I can do to self aid this. Cut out caffeine, take oil of evening primrose capsules 320mgs a day for the next twelve months, reduce chocolate intake (I never eat the stuff,) take Ibuprofen for the pain, wear a firm bra (of which I already do). So all that unnecessary worrying has worn me out. BUT .... if we/I didn't worry about some thing that is so close to my heart (literally) I wouldn't be human. I thanked the doctor and proceeded to shake his hand. Yes I am going to live... YES I am so going to have a large glass of wine tonight... YES! YES! YYYYYYYYYYYYYESSSSSSSSSS I'm happy. I'm still in some conciderable discomfort but I now know that it's not dangerous and I'm not going to need surgery, I'm not going to die young.... 'OH MY GOD!' I so want to jump up and down with joy but I can't my breast still feels like it's been ripped off and used a a football and put back on!!I'd like to thank all my friends out there in blog land for supporting me and giving me hope, helping me to understand. You were there with me today Secretia & Spiky, I don't know if you heard me but I spoke to you both quietly under my breath. I am totally 'Elated.'

Wednesday, 2 December 2009

Silence is Golden

Silence is golden, my mind is clear from all the traffic that has travelled through it the past eight years. Tomorrow is at the back of my thoughts, I've found a remedy for the knowing and not wanting to know... it's called red wine and plenty of it. I am in a dangerous mood at this present moment in time... but I think I'm in control... going out for a fag in a minute. I feel so in control I feel I want to cry! Or do I want to cry because I'm not really in control? I am watching a recording of 'Queen' at the moment, that in itself can make me very emotional...! I was told once to live my life so that I was satisfied, my dear Grandmother told me just that... bless her she died at the grand age of 96 of dementia. I remember going to say my good byes when she was close to dying... you can't get more raw emotion than that, she passed away three weeks later.
I am trying to come to the terms in the body that I live, I have a bloody vein in my left leg, I must have scratched it in my sleep... this is not good BUT and I just love waiting for the 'BUT' I'm counting down my days to the Eve of Christmas when I eventually after twenty years... get the operation to have them mended. I can't wait, I also look forward to get this damn awful tattoo on my right arm covered...SORRY............................'SORRY' I'm having a panic attack!! I'm getting rid of all the shit that still haunts me...Fuck!!!!!!!! Sharp knives apart...
I'm losing the plot again... what was I on about? Oh yeah sharp knives.. ;))))))).
Exhaustion can play a big part in emotions can't it? I've had a fun filled weekend in rainy Wales, driven through deep floods, waded through shin deep flood water in my stockin feet with my trousers up above my knees!! Great fun. Breathe taking scenery, friendly people and lovely food. Done over 400 miles and enjoyed every inch of the way. So why do I feel like I wanna die? Only joking folks... it's the wine swimming round my head 'BUT' let me tell you that 'Silence is Golden.'

Thursday, 26 November 2009


Today I had an appointment through to go to the Breast clinic for an emergency mammogram. All I can say is they don't hang about. My day is Thursday 3rd Dec 9.20am. I'm not looking forward to having my swollen breast squashed in to a machine that resembles a meat slicer! But it'll put my mind at rest when they tell me it's nothing to worry about. I'm pretty sure it's nothing to worry about, but I have done my share of worrying.. we do don't we? As human beings.. we worry, for no apparent reason. I've had other things to focus on just lately like my three days away in south Wales, starting tomorrow afternoon, hope the weather is kind to me as I'm going on my Yamaha FJR 1300. Also my trip to the NEC at Birmingham to the International Motorbike Show on Monday. So with these events in place, I have been fairly OK. I just hope the nurse who attends my examination on Thursday has warm hands Lol. So there it is... in black n white. I guess I'm over reacting, but I can't help it. I'm still in some pain, but that's the infection. Horse pills will start working soon I hope, no alcohol for me until the course is finished on Monday, then I will have a couple of LARGE glasses of red wine... but I won't be celebrating any thing until I get my results... once again I like to thank Secretia for being there for me...she's a gem.

Monday, 23 November 2009

A Breast of things

Some time the middle of last week I noticed some discomfort in my left breast. A couple of years ago I had to go for a mammogram on both my breasts. That is a painful process in itself. I was told that I was just one of the many women who suffer painful breasts and there was nothing I could do, so I believed them. Up until now I had no problems, then last week it all changed. I had a chat with another blogger.. Secretia who is a nurse, so I asked for her advice and she told me to go get it checked out asap, I told her I would do and I would keep her informed. This morning I made an appointment to see a lady doctor. I've got one uncomfortable breast, it's hot.. sore..tender..PAINFUL! I told the doctor this, she examined me.. her hands were cold, but a welcome change to warm hands as my skin is hot. Apparently I have a cyst just to one side of my nipple. I am now taking a course of Antibiotics, so that means no alcohol for me until I'm all done popping these horse pills, I say horse pills due to their size....BIG!!
To find out the exact problem, I am now on the waiting list for an emergency mammogram. I'm not looking forward to it, but it will put my mind at rest when I find out it's a minor problem.. I should hear about this in a couple of weeks. In the mean time I shall continue to take my medication, paracetamol, Ibuprofen. So it's a good idea to keep doing the checks on your boobies regularly, you just never know what might happen! I'm hoping my problem IS just a cyst and nothing else. I will keep you posted because I know this subject is very important, life is very important.

Saturday, 21 November 2009


M is for me.
A is for able
S is for sexual
T is for tonight
E is for ecstasy
R is for ready
B is for bound
A is for any time
T is for tender
I is for invitation
O is for Oblivion
N is for now....
now is the time to release the pent up anger in my soul.
Lying here upon this bed, unruly thoughts race through my
head. If I could be any one, I'd be her. She is different,
she is like the stars that twinkle in the sky... reaching
out for the one who knows... who knows how to feel.
As I lie here, my mind wonders. The silence of the night
haunts me. My head hurts, my heart aches... I ache.
I want to be touched, I want to be kissed. I beg to be
abused. My knees are weak. My eyes are stained. Blood rushes
through my veins. I am tied, chained like a wild animal..
scared. The door opens, I lift my head... Venus stands
before me. Silhouetted in the darkness. She shines, tears roll
down my face. Hold me, kiss me, love me. She kneels before
me, wipes away the tears. I shudder.. look on in abandonment.
My nipples are hard. I stare, I blink, then she is
gone. Searching, I scan the room. Panic stabs my complexion.
I sit up, turn around, she is behind me. She takes my face in
her hands, her lips slightly parted. I don't move, I can't.
Hypnotised by her eyes, we kiss. She tastes like heaven,
she feels like silk. I trace the out line of her face, pausing
at her mouth, her lips part, I insert one finger, she sucks..
soft at first then with fire. Pulling away, lying back on the
fresh cotton sheets, she rips my shirt off. I'm not wearing
a bra. My tits stand to attention. My jeans strain at the zipper.
With one hand on her neck I pull her to me once more, with the
other I yank at the fabric, sliding out, kicking them away.
Black satin thong, the musky scent of euphoria not yet born.
She runs her index finger down the length of my spine and
around to my belly. Beads of sweat trickle down my cleavage.
My hand quivers as I unbutton her blouse, each button...
an invitation to come dine. She tosses her head back, her
red hair like fire. Her pale skin and her red lips... flush.
She holds my arms above my head, ties me gently to the bed.
I don't struggle or panic for I know what is to be... she
lowers her head to my groin, slides a finger deep into my...
My legs pushed wide, I bite my lower lip, she's taken me with
her, to Oblivion and beyond. My heart aches no more, my clit
twinkles like the stars in the sky, for she is my universe,
my new star. Her tongue dances with my soul, I grind my loins
Euphoria is awake, the devil is knocking on my door...
I smile once more

Friday, 20 November 2009


I am.
I always was and
I always will be.
I can cry, but I won't
I can hurt, but I can't
I can't let myself.
I felt the pain...
I invented pain.
I never knew it
would be like this.
Deadwood drifting,
blue skies, grey.
Eyes all blurred,
I laugh now, but
what can I say...
One word springs to
Oh it is.

Finger's crossed.

Today I went for my 'Pre-Opp Assess.' I had the works. ECG, blood tests, MRSI tests, weight,height,BMI, a lot of medical questions. Have I had CJD? (mad cow disease) Mooooo..!! I told the nurse that I had a fear of sharp objects like hypodermic needles.. but she was great, I hardly felt the little 'prick' she mentioned. So while every body is counting down the remaining days until Christmas, I'm doing so but for obvious reasons... my operation. I've been advised that when I go for my procedure that I take a night bag. Then the news came that if they can't for some reason administer the 'Epidural' into my spine, 'Ooooooh' can't wait. I'll have to have a general anaesthetic, which means I might have to stay in over night!!
I don't think I fancy waking up on Christmas day in hospital! Although I wouldn't say no to a nice sexy nurse in a tight low cut dress, bed bath? Yeah... I guess I'm pushing my luck, but a girl can but dream eh?
I have a fear of hospitals. I hope that the operation goes well, they manage to freeze my leg, and I get home before lunch on Christmas Eve. But.. I'm looking forward to 5 days of doing absolutely 'Jack Shit' for the entirety.

Tuesday, 17 November 2009

Who am I ?


Today I sit and reflect of my night of discovery.
How I felt when I entered the lions den. Euphoria.
Have I now excepted my sexuality?
Have I grown in strength?
Do I now belong?
Time is ever thing, everything
can represent nothing.
How am I to live, if I alone can not except
who I am? Courage, strength. Gay....
three simple words that represent the
face in the!

Sunday, 15 November 2009

The Club

Saturday morning arrives, 9.30a.m and I'm due for a hair cut, so no lie in for me. That sporting very short spiky effect. I call in to see my school buddy who owns the salon in the high street. 'Any chance of a quick eye brow wax?'
Hair done, eyebrows done. I'm starting to think about tonight, what the 'club' will be like, how loud will the music be? Will I be able to pull? All these questions racing through my head. It's been a long time sine I went out, not just 'out' but 'OUT' to a gay club. My heart was jittery, the Adrenalin was pumping, I felt light headed and dizzy....time to eat before I go out, put the lining on the stomach. A nice spicy chicken balti should do the trick. The clock was ticking, time flies when you're excited. Small amount of make up, quick slice of light lippy, gel the hair, get dressed, splash of that expensive perfume I bought myself on Saturday. In an attempt to know what to wear I just threw on a pair of faded jeans with a black leather studded rock chic belt through just one loop on the left hand side of my hip leaving the rest of it to drape the right side of my other hip, hugging my ass. Flat shoes, the type that don't cause blisters. Short sleeved cotton cowboy style button up shirt. All done, no jewellery apart from my blue glass necklace that brought me and my mate David together in the first place. You see he works at the prison were I also work. I was wearing this necklace one day on a platted leather string that I had made, not only did he want the pendant, he also wanted the leather necklace, so I made him one, this is our story. David is openly gay, he's been there for me every step of the way. One thing led to another and he invited me out clubbing on the weekend after his 29th birthday the Thursday before. So I agreed.
He's a really nice young man, he has a partner, they've been together for ten years. It must be love, David has a tattoo of his lovers name on the inside of his left wrist. Personally I'd never go for a name, unless it was in Chinese.
His man gave us a lift to the club in his works van, loud music drowning my ears all the way, all three of us singing at the tops of our voices. David was already slightly pissed before we'd even got there. Start as you mean to go on eh?! As we stand outside this building, David takes me in his arms and hugs me quite roughly, ' I'm so glad you could come tonight.. you are so going to enjoy this, but let me worn you there will be things passed around, they're not illegal drugs, but if you have a sniff you'll love it.' I smiled, hugged him back but refused to take part in any thing I didn't fully understand. He smiled, took my hand and said 'come on lady let's go have some fun.'
We stood at the bar and as soon as I walked in heads turned, I felt like a movie star. He said that he thinks tonight I'll get every bodies head turning. And he was right. The first head to turn was this guy's, who it was obvious he was trying to pull me, I think he might have pulled a muscle 'cuz I was tempted to kick him in the groin if he didn't piss off. I felt nervous, not sure what to say. He asked me if I had a boyfriend, I told him I was gay and he backed off. We had a couple of games of pool whilst the club filled up. One corner of the small bar area was a small stage. I had to look twice then I realised the incredibly gorgeous woman strutting her stuff was in fact a man in drag, very good drag at that, AND she could sing! I beat David to the first game, but he wasn't happy with that so we set up the table again, smiling and laughing at each other, dancing to the music, gyrating with the table in a provocative way. I started off on becks beer, no glass. I had three to begin with, then David appears with two shot glasses. I stared at him and asked 'what is that?' He grinned.. 'oh get it down ya woman.' One.. two.. three, I necked it straight back. It was Sambuka a clear liquid very strong aniseed. It hit the spot along with the three bottles of beer previous! The next couple of drinks went from bottles to pints of beer, my head was startin to spin, my body was startin to feel relaxed.
10.30 arrived and we staggered outside up some iron steps into a small car park down an alley way, arriving at the door to the club. This being another part of the club, where all the action takes place. I could feel the floor vibrating before I entered the building. As we walked in, through a couple of doors, down some steps to the bar area. I grabbed David by the arm, kissed him on his lips and entered the dance floor. The club was dark but with strobe lights dotted about. Loud chatter n singing, people having a good time. Bodies like a sea of passion. Mingling with desire. I was starting to cry, but tears of joy.. this is who I am now, this is my world. David led me on to the podium and we danced our hearts out. I made for the toilet.. the floor awash with spent drinks. I stumbled into the arms of a tall female who held me up as I started to slide down. Her eyes were electric blue, a vampire of the night. She smiled at me ... her and brilliant white, she leaned in to me, I could feel the warmth of her breath on my neck. Her tongue darted in and out of my ear, I was melting with heat..the heat of lurve. I felt my zipper moving down, her hands expertly removed my jeans, I sat back on to the cold surface of the wash basin. My head was cloudy, her tongue found my sex..god I was in heaven. My hands gripped the taps.. my legs wide, knees bent. I was coming ! 'OH........MY............GGGODDDDDDDD.' The room was spinning round, people stood and stared, some were applauding..smiling. I don't know what just happened, I didn't see her again after that. I'm trembling, my thighs still covered in my spent orgasm. I stood up, pulling my jeans up, falling about all over the place. I couldn't find David. Slumped against the wall of the dance floor, the lights spinning, my eyes all blurred, my clit still twitching from my orgasm. I clenched my eyes shut. I needed fresh air, or I would pass ou...........!
I vaguely remember sitting in the toilet being fucked by a vampire... A hand touches my head, I look up. Sitting on the steps in the cold night air, my nipples tight and erect. I wasn't on the planet, I couldn't feel my legs. My right hand was swollen and bleeding.. and I don't know why. ' Hello love.. you alright there?' I gazed up, focusing I saw that vampire, or so I thought. She sat down beside me, put her arm around me, I lay my head against her breast, the sound of her heart beating in my ear. I closed my eyes and tears began to fall again.

Thursday, 12 November 2009

What do I want for Christmas?

I know what I'd like for Christmas and it won't cost me a penny! This is some thing I've dreamed of for the last twenty years. The last twenty years being the last time I went to the hospital to have a problem sorted;but it wasn't sorted. I came away very disappointed, my world shattered. 'BUT' ... and there's always a but! I went to my doctor some months ago with a swelling in my left thigh area. I was sent immediately to A&E with suspected DVT deep vein thrombosis. This condition can be life threatening. I was lucky that time, I had some thing else called Thrombophlibitis, inflammation of the veins. Still bloody painful, but it wasn't going to kill me. I have had several trips to the same hospital I went to twenty years ago, they still say the same thing... 'no can do.' BUT ... and there's that but again.. I was sent to a different hospital in a different town, they did an examination, ultra sound and put me on a waiting list. A waiting list!!!!! So I can hear you asking what it is I want for Christmas and am having it.....
A new leg. Yes. On Christmas Eve this year at 7a.m I will be going to have my left leg sorted, my varicose veins burnt away. The hidious bulging mess that has prevented me from wearing shorts in the summer, going swimming for fear of people staring at me. You might think that sounds nasty and painful. It might well be but I need the operation and I'm getting a new leg for Christmas. I am one happy bunny!!

Wednesday, 11 November 2009

Erotic Day

Well my day at work started at 6a.m. I felt tired, which isn't out of the ordinary on an early shift. I had a very interesting conversation with a friend at work who had a VERY interesting conversation with the boss of one of the departments I work in. Some one had bought an 'Ann Summers' catalogue for any one to look at. The woman boss just happened to mention that she wasn't particularly interested in the sexy lingerie or the vibrators, but liked to read some thing hot to get her going! At which point my friend happened to mention that 'I' have a blog and write erotic stories and poems. At this point she walked in the room, I smiled at her and she wondered what it was that I was so blatantly smiling at! So I chatted about my blog, my want to have my book published at which point she smiled at me and became interested at the words coming out of my mouth! So my next question to her will be .... Would you like me to give you my blog address and or would you like me to write a personal story for her... at a cost of whatever it is we decide on? The early start to the day immediately melted from my mind as I am now excited at the out come of my 'possible' new venture. How's that for a good day?

Tuesday, 10 November 2009

Party Time

I've come to the conclusion that my life at the moment and for several years now has resembled a jigsaw. The pieces don't always fit together, bit like the paintings that used to adorn my walls. But I have come to realise that life isn't a party but whilst we're here we may as well DANCE!! And that is what I intend doing this weekend, the whole weekend. There's this real nice guy at work,David.. he's gay... like me. Unlike me he has a lover, but that can be remedied. It's his birthday this weekend, he's invited me out to go clubbing to some gay clubs. He assures me I'll meet some really great friendly people and I'll have an absolute ball. I can't wait! I hope to take some photographs and down load them on to my laptop, so fingers crossed I get that sorted. I love club music and can dance til the cows come home. It's a long time since I went out and forgot about the 'shit' in my life, found some 'real nice' genuine people and carried on from the dredge of what I left behind.. this is my time to shine. My time to get my sanity back, start living again. Moving away from the past, forging forward to my future....look out world 'cuz here I come!!!

Monday, 9 November 2009


As I sit here in my living room
I feel safe again.
The pain has almost gone, or
so I believe, but I could be
wrong. I've been feeling kind
of empty, my mind has left me,
my heart has hurt me, my walls
now are some what empty.
I've been having therapy,
I some times find it helps.
To talk to a complete
stranger of the difficulties
I feel/ felt!
My walls are kind of empty
where memories used to sit.
Where pictures used to...
I had a good clear out, with
some scissors and a knife.
Loud music seems to help,
Led Zepplin's a good choice.
With a shaking hand n great
voice. Spring cleaning for the
heart, always appears to work.
I'm feeling safe again, but
for how long I'm not quite
sure, you see I've been here

Sunday, 8 November 2009

Black Thunder

Hey Spiky ~ just to let you know that I have a special place on the back of my motorbike, a comfortable black leather seat reserved for your cute ass. That ride I promised you, on my beast of a bike, well here she is in all her shining glory. Her name is 'Black Thunder' she's fast, sexy, dangerous, but I like to live dangerously. So what do you think of her? She's totally ME. You and I will have so much fun on her, riding off in the summer sun, picnic packed in my top box, the sun on our backs and the wind in our faces. We'd find some secluded lake and go skinny dipping, relax in the midday sun, make love under the trees, we will go anywhere we please babe. This baby can shift, top speed 180mph...awesome, totally awesome. I can just imagine you in full black leathers, round your cute bod!! The scent of a gorgeous woman holding on tight to my waist as I swerve round the country lanes of England....... corn fields ripe, the sunny haze. Don't you just love the colour black? It holds so many secrets, so much power. Just a little insight to the secret life of Indigo on her beast of a bike, a bike made for two.... me and you Spiky...... just me n you.

Saturday, 7 November 2009


Let us take a moment of our busy lives to remember those who gave their lives so we could live. For all the sons and fathers, uncles, grandfathers, men and women who.. for their countries fought a brave battle, suffered and died, we shall never forget them. Also for those who died in 9/11. Those were the brave, the ones who so unselfishly gave, and are buried some where in an unmarked grave. We don't live in a perfect world. We never will, war goes on in every sense, but for some reason there is no sense. Wear your poppy with PRIDE, the pride of knowing that those who gave their lives, gave their everything. The war memorials over the world are covered in red poppies, each petal represents a life taken. So for all the children who grow up without their fathers, sisters without brothers, mothers without their sons and husbands.... and every one who died, the ones left behind, say a prayer for the wounded and crippled. But never ever forget the dead.

Wednesday, 4 November 2009

Time to Reflect

It's been a while since I last wrote anything. I did say I wouldn't be long but I'm not quite ready to return yet. My mind isn't on the job of creative writing just yet either. I am however rediscovering myself again in a new light. I have found strengths that have been buried for what seems forever, these have given me an added ability to look at myself in such a manner that ... I guess the list of possibilities is endless. I have and am still dealing with an issue that has escalated over the past so many years, in more ways than one! When I do return I will have hopefully sorted my head out and have some thing juicy to write about. Shit happens I guess. I am enjoying my time off, but in another sentence..... I'm missing writing and receiving those heart warming comments that my friends in cyber space leave for me to inwardly digest.

Thursday, 29 October 2009

Time Out

'Hey' my fellow blogger friends, it's time for me to really have a rest. I know I said last time that I was taking time out and it lasted all of one day, but this time I really mean it. My batteries are low although my heart is fully restored. I'm not going on holiday as yet, I won't actually be leaving the planet either, I just want to regain my strength, it's been a shitty week at home, at work and in my head! But my head is straight now, my thoughts are as they should be... looking forward to getting my life back on track, going out and enjoying life again. Have got a delicious bottle of red wine waiting for me to devour... ( mouth is salivating as I type!) Tomorrow night is going to be an early one, as Friday's are a 6a.m start. Weather permitting I shall be out on 'Black Thunder' at the weekend. I can quite get used to this mild weather, but it always appears to disappear come the two days I'm not working. But hey, I'll cope! So don't think I've abandoned you on blog land cyberspace... I will be back, hopefully with some new stuff to wet your appetites.

Tuesday, 27 October 2009

Pheonix Rising

I have come to the conclusion that some issues that I've had of late have weighed me down. I have done some soul searching and with a letter written and sent, I have managed to de-clog my head of these worrying thoughts that have eaten away at my soul. Now some times we get to the point of no return, we assume that this is is how it is... because we've moulded ourselves into thinking there isn't an answer or of there is, where the fuck is it? I think I've found the answer to that one. It wasn't easy and I still think I've possibly done it the wrong way, but it's done now, the more I think about what I said and how I worded it, I've got it clear in my mind that I was OK to do it like I did...(hope I'm making sense?) But as I've said, I'm one step closer to being 'ME' again, taking a different approach to life, enjoying that new approach..... in general going out there and finding some one to love me. I have a vacancy now. my ad goes some thing like this: One lady owner, strong of heart, easy loving, kind, generous, patient, understanding, adorable! I don't expect the phone to start ringing just yet, but I shall place the ad in a couple of worthy mags and see what happens. I have all the time in the world, I'm not going to rush into anything just yet, I've just got 'closure' from a relationship that happened some years ago. Yeah.. it's taken me this long .... but now I've completed full circle, the world is my oyster. I will rise from the ashes, I am a new born Phoenix and shall rise again. Watch this space.....

Monday, 26 October 2009

Award Time !

You're a great read. Apparently I am! And Jackie Adshead has awarded me this prestigious award. So to follow the rules of this award ceremony I have to list ten things I do every day, and past this award on to ten other great people.
1. Get out of bed
2. Pull back the curtains and plan my new day.
3. Wonder who I'm going to annoy to day.
4. Check my E mails before I go to work.
5. Think about getting my poems published
( I constantly think about this )
6. Listen to some Pink on my car cd player,
this normally wakes me up.
7. Smile at every one at work, say please
and thank you whenever I can...
( good little girl eh?).....NOT!!
8. Help whoever needs my assistance
9. Flirt with all the women, one in
10. Have a large glass of red wine with my dinner... or maybe two !

I would like to pass this beautiful Award on to ten other lucky bloggers, but before I do I'd like to thank Jackie for giving me this amazin award, and for believing in me.

The ten lucky bloggers are:- Spikyzorajones - Jackie Adshead - UBERMOUTH - Enigma - Scarlet - Nitebyrd - Casdok - Compulsively Yours - Racy Redhead - Shadow. Enjoy people

Saturday, 24 October 2009


Once we were three,
then we became two...
now I am one.
Love hurts, I do...
Pain can take away
so many things, but
it can't replace the want.
The heat of the night,
your touch, you're out
of my sight, out of my
reach, we are no more.
Time was meant to heal,
but I'm still waiting.
To steal your kiss to need
your touch, god I loved
you so much, but that was
then and this is now, so
tell me...... how? How did
it come to this, how did
we lose it all, for who....
you? Me? I'm out of
ideas. You left me.
I had no choice.
I'm lost in this fog
I have no want to
carry on. Nothing
has a meaning, the
warmth has died,
and with it ..... me.
All that I had I gave to
you, all that I loved was
you. I don't make sense
anymore, I can't, I've tried
like I said before.......
I've died, my soul is empty,
my need has gone, I don't
love you anymore...........
I can't.


I've been feeling out of sorts just of late. I don't really want to discuss it just yet because I have to discuss it with some one else first. This problem I have has been eating away at my soul for some time now. Time being of a length of months that could possibly have run into years without me actually realising it. Some thing that I've tried to brush under the carpet thinking it'd go away or I was imagining it. Is my mind so full of hurt that I've got the two confused? I have several issues that each time I think about how I'm going to execute them, I get wound up and even more so angry. I need to down load this unhappy emotion otherwise it'll make me one sad lady who will worry the rest of her life, and I'm not about to waist any of that on anyone. But it's not as easy as that, it never is! I need to write a letter, a hand written letter , explaining how it's come to be this way. For once in my life I know I can do this, I have to be strong, I am in control. Like I said I can't give to much away until I've written the letter. I wouldn't normally write this kind of a post but I'm looking for constructive advice.. of which I know I'll get of my friends out there in cyberspace. I have a very good friend at work who sends me advice via E mail, she chats with me at work, she's putting me on the right track...... but her job is counselor. It's always good to have some one out side of the situation who can take a fresh look, without taking sides. Some years ago I went to see a counselor who wound me up so much I snapped, she was found later to be 'not' doing her job and she was sacked, I never went back for round two after that, but my friend has to deal with real fucked up people, the kind behind bars, so my problems are superficial in comparison, but not for me. I need to sort this out, for my state of mind. Now it might go smoothly but it might also go 'tits' up so I have to prepare myself for the inevitable, but I hope that doesn't happen, it'd be a shame if it did happen. I shall have to see. Write from the heart as that is where this all started from.

Friday, 16 October 2009


As I stand before you, you lay your hand upon me. I feel your warmth, I hear your need. Pull away my hair from my face, wipe away my tears from my skin. Remove my trousers with you teeth, I have this urgency to cum, I have this want to be..
Pull yourself closer to me, let me wrap my love around your soul. My hand meets yours, I guide you below my existence, to my dripping hole that so urgently requires your touch. We kiss, our lips are damp, my legs shake. Pulling at your shirt, buttons flying off at all angles. Push me aside, lean upon my shoulder, let me take your weight. You're light in comparison, your skin is fair, your touch is..........
Your heat brings life to my pussie. Each gentle stroke of your hand, each gentle touch of your face, we dance in silence, the music of the gods is on our side. And you with all that you give, all that you hear, with all that I see. The foundation of which our love stands erect, my orgasm is building. I hold you tight, you feel what I feel, your pace quickens, and I ........ 'my goddddddddd.'
We are. I am. You hear and I see all. We are the future.


I arrived at the hospital at 1.45pm. My appointment wasn't until 2 so I thought I'd get there early. The waiting room was full of at least three patients. I sat, I pondered, I checked the walls covered in 'things to do before a scan' posters. My name was called and I trundled in after a short plump woman into the scan room. I was asked to remove my ear stud and any jewellery from the neck up. I climbed onto the long table and my head was strapped into place, I was praying I didn't have a sneezing fit. I laid my eyes open and stared up at the ceiling she lay across me a heavy blue blanket made of rubber and lead, to blank out the x rays that were about to flood my head. The round machine resembled a large polo mint, I was positioned into the machine. I was amazed at how quick the whole process was. Less than 4 minutes and I was done to a crisp! I stayed calm throughout, I have nothing to worry about, although I did have a headache shortly after leaving the building. I still have a headache, but I have been coughing my head off all day, the left overs of this bloody cold virus I've had for the past two weeks, I'm getting pretty fed up with it now. After about half an hour I'd replaced my ear stud, I was home by 2.30 and ready for the onslaught at the local super market. I will however have to wait until I see the eye specialist in December to get the results of today, but like I said before, I have nothing to worry about, why worry ? I'd be wasting energy, energy I might need should they find any thing wrong, but I'l cross that bridge when I get to it. Don't worry happy!

Thursday, 15 October 2009

Blue Eyes

Back in March I had some visual defects in my left eye. I used to suffer from migraines years prior to this, but having cut out chocolate, cheese and coffee my severe heads traumas have ceased. Any how.. after my disturbance in the kitchen at home, I blinked a few times and was surprised when it hadn't gone. A quick trip to the doctor the next day, he got me an appointment at the hospital the very next day, as he too was rather concerned. This all started off a sequence of weekly trips to the hospital for eye checks and a procedure which after the first dose, put me off wanting to go again. A few drops into 'both' eyes which dilate the pupils. This helping the specialist to see into the back of both eyes for any abnormalities. This is where they discovered a hemorrhage had taken place behind my left eye. I have had several of these examinations, with the awful drops, with numerous bright lights shone in the eyes, some thing which I hate as I have light sensitive eyes to start with., but they have to do this to find out what caused the defect in the first place. Over the months I've had quite a few blood tests also, on one occasion it came back border line diabetic, but my own doctor proved this not to be so. My eye specialist at the hospital informed me that a woman of my age shouldn't be having hemorrhages at the back of my eyes, so tomorrow I'm having a CT scan to try and define why this happened. It will take them all of twenty minutes and hopefully they won't find any thing wrong! I say this because I'd hate to find out that I' have got some thing wrong with my eyes/head/vision! But like any other procedure, I won't get the results straight away... I will have to go back some time later to hear the results, but I'm not worried or in the slightest bit scared, what's the point.. why worry about some thing that might not be! If it's bad news then I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. So this is the latest so far in my health... I'm happy, I'm OK.

Tuesday, 13 October 2009

Red Head

For some time now I've had my eyes on this woman at work. I find myself watching her when she doesn't know it. I found myself losing sleep over her, dreaming about her. Going a different way to the next building so I might just catch a glimpse of her, and when she's appear from out of the blue... I'd stutter like a complete idiot of something sensible to say to her. That was then and this is now. We're good friends, but she still has that 'special some thing' about her. She's a true red head and has amazing green eyes, and a wicked sense of humour, I still flirt with her and as far as I know she flirts with me. I still go out of my way to see her and make conversation, and nine times out of ten she's up for a good laugh. I still find myself staring at her through the glass when I know for a fact that she can't see me, I still dream about her and me doing the 'lurve' thang! Some days she waits for me in the car park in the morning if I'm there, we walk to the front door chatting pretty much about anything in life. Once I left her a candy bar on her car windscreen but I think the wind blew it off because when I came back it was near my car door all mangled up half out of its' wrapper. I said nothing about it but I guess she knew it was me all along. I'm never going to get anywhere else with her and for one reason I'm not too sure about, I think it's great that we're just good friends and we can be ourselves around each other, I've come to realise that friends are good to have, old and new. Her name is Bev, she's a couple of years ahead of me and a few pounds heavier, but I like her A LOT!! But you never know in this world do you? I don't know if she knows I'm gay, but if she did know, I doubt very much she's have a problem with it, she's not that kind of woman.. to be homophobic I mean.... unless she's gay? I'm barking up the wrong tree now, but I'll keep you posted for sure.

Monday, 12 October 2009

Thank you

This is my way of saying THANK YOU to my fellow bloggers who have helped me in the past few months to get myself back on track, handed , with love, and with great detail... affection, a shoulder to cry on. As we live in 'cyber' space as nitebyrd put it.. here for one I would like to pass this warm pink heart, filled with much appreciation and love back to you all... in particular I would like to say hello to..

1. Nitebyrd

2. SpikyZoraJones

3. Jackie Adshead

4. Ubermouth

5. Dulce


Today I received a lovely award from Dulce.. she is a wonderful blogger, and I am so honoured to have been given it. Thank you so much, this is beautiful. It's always lovely to receive an award. I haven't been writing my usual stuff of late, because my heart's not in the right frame of mind, a minor 'blip' and I'm sure once I get my self sorted, my minor blip will leave home and my ability to keep my bloggers sitting there with their hands down their trousers amusing themselves whilst reading my slutty erotic stories and poems, will soon return.

Friday, 9 October 2009


I never looked behind me
when you said all your
goodbyes, but I'm still wiping
away the tears that stung my
eyes, the misty sunsets, the
heat upon our flesh, I blink
and there it is, still fresh in my
mind. I run my fingers through
my hair, close my eyes and
wish that you were still there.
Lie naked in clean cotton sheets.
my nipples..hard, my heart...
weak. Can you feel where you
used to lie... I can taste you-beside,
I fight with the pillows, hold them
to my face, I can smell your
perfume....there's just a trace.
They say that time is a healer..
but I don't really know.. it's been
only a week now. Your photo lies
upside down on the shelf...
should I move it, I can't bring
myself. Maybe it's too early yet.
I'm still in the 'God I don't know
what to do stage.' Some days I just
sit and cry.... others I'm full of rage.
I can't make any plans, I don't want
to move on, I'm OK sitting
where we used to hold hands. Used
do a lot of things, used to do's, don't
happen any more. The day you left
me, you broke my heart.

Sunday, 4 October 2009

One Vision

Reach out.
Reach out and touch me,
I can feel your pain..
I can feel your sorrow,
let me share.....
all your tomorrows.
Let me hold your heart
in the palm of my hand.
We can do this...
you just have to try.
Try to understand,
from my side of you eyes
how much I love you,
how much I've cried.
I'm doing my best, it's
hard but I'm getting
there. Time is all I have,
I want to spend it all
with you. There's no
where else I want to be.
To wake up beside you,
to kiss you in the rain...
I want to take you in my
arms, never looking back.
Our future holds so many
memories, we have to do
this, it's our destiny.
Come hold me, come kiss
me in the rain. Let me be
your end, until the stars
go out, until the world is
no more, I am here for
you, don't ever forget.

Saturday, 3 October 2009


The words only appear to flow when I've opened a bottle red wine. So I ask myself... can I only write when I am drunk? I feel like I'm drowning. I keep coming up for air... take a gasp, then sink! Tonight I started to cry... I can't remember the last time I actually cried. It's meant to be a release isn't it? To feel what I'm feeling right now, I can't describe. I feel like smashing this glass and attacking my veins with it, pretty in red! I now I said I'd be away for a while, but I have to write some thing every day, today not being my best day. I thought about writing a poem, but I wouldn't want to depress my audience any more, god you must really get bored of me wining on about how shit my feelings are, how depressed I feel, sorry................. I can't visualise, I can't even see the fucking computer screen right eyes are all bleary! I always seem to hide my feelings. We don't cry out loud, keep it inside, learn how to hide our feelings. We don't cry out loud-words by Elkie Brooks! I look at people and think they look good, they must feel so confident with the way they present themselves, I catch my reflection in a shop window and wonder who the fuck's lookin at me. Yeah. that sad lookin bitch, that's who it is..ME!! I don't wish to worry any of you,I'm slightly depressed at the moment..I'm just venting anger. Anger for what I haven't got the faintes..t, idea. Sorry I'm crying again. Why the fuck do I write this shit? I have so many questions about 'who' I am. I'm GAY for god's sake. Yeah but listen to this, 'cuz I feel I'm a cheat. My story so far. I got married to a wonderful man 26 years ago, I have two siblings. They are great and the daughter is 23, a fully qualified Lawyer, my son is a fully qualified Joiner. I came out as Bi-sexual just before I actually realised I was GAY! I have all this guilt, but at the same time I have a wonderful husband who adores me ,my best friend, father of our two wonderful intelligent children... but I'm GAY!! Bisexual was a title I gave myself because I thought I'd be excepted, but I felt I was cheating myself. My husband knows I love women, he's aware I had a 5 n half year relationship with this awesome woman, who one day destroyed my life.. told me it was over. I came so close to jumpin in front of a train that day. SHIT ! SHIT! SHIT!...... I know I could never leave him, but how am I to find a woman who is happy with me? Any one got the tissues? I want to get really angry, hurt from the outside 'cuz it's killing me on the fuckin inside. I need another drink... a cigarette would be nice. I think my major problem is I'm scared of screwing up. But I don't think I'll ever feel safe from me.. All this lovely flesh, the excuses I think of when I decide to produce some well executed cuts YEAH YEAH YEAH I hear you all, takin a deep breath remember I don't have the fuckin bottle to do any harm, but ya never fuckin know, that's the worryin part, aint it? I'm fed up of apologising for my chosen words, I'm gettin it off my chest. "ARGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHH "..... I will read this tomorrow when I am sober and regress into the bottomless pit from where I came from. I so desperately want to not be here in this shitty hole, I've been here before, and from what can remember, it wasn't exactly the 'Ritz' then. 'Oh shit she's off again!'

Friday, 2 October 2009

Calmer Waters

Just to let you all know that after my heart wrenching story 'Instruments of destruction' last week, I've calmed down a hell of a lot-for how long I have no idea. Spiky-Jackie-UBS-Nitebyrd to name but a few have given me strength to regain my inwardly love that I'm missing from me, let alone the world, I can't take everyone on at once. I would like to THANK YOU all for your heart warming lovely loving comments that you wrote for me, some of which made me cry, but I think they were good tears .. tears being some thing that I rarely part with, even when I'm slicing my flesh up! Today at work I had the opportunity to go the whole hog and join the GALIPS union. A union that protects Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual & Transgender people from sexual discrimination.. also helping them to work in a safe environment, equal rights etc. I got a goody bag with rainbow coloured goodies in... actually the signing my name and ticking the box marked 'Gay' was more exciting than getting the goodies. I've come a hell of a long way recently, and what with my writing and how that has developed, I think I've chosen the right path in life, just need to find me a woman now! But I realise that should I never find a woman to share my world with, it doesn't matter, but I'll sure have fun looking. I want to get a step further with my writing, I must get in contact with Mia again, I know she's a busy lady what with her job. Tomorrow is a day not yet started and after a good nights sleep, my batteries hopefully recharged, I should start to regain my life back. I've felt bogged under of late, it's almost like my energy channels have got crossed, giving out negative energy, what with late nights and long days, this week has been extremely tiring. Some times it's like that, but I tend to think I can cope...I'm not getting any younger or so my Friends keep reminding me!! ;-). Monday is a day to get over with before it's started. I had some dis functional visual defects in my left eye, back in March- well actually it was behind my left eye. Any way after several trips to the eye hospital, having drops into both eyes that dilated the pupils, ( felt like my eye balls had been grated) having incredibly bright lights shone in you can imagine I've had enough, but they have yet to find out what caused it in the first place. At my last appointment in September I was told by the specialist that a woman of 'my age' shouldn't be having haemorrhage's behind my eyes. That left me feeling slightly worried as you can well imagine. I had to have endless blood tests ( I hate needles) and a chest X-ray of which I get the result on Monday. I have absolutely no immediate worries at this stage of the game. I will however keep you all posted. So that's a catch up of me for the past !!!!!! months. I'm not going to write anything for a while, to tell you the truth, I've lost my erotic vibe of late. It's like that some times ...... but I will be back.

Saturday, 26 September 2009

Instruments of Distruction

It all started about let me see.... when I was about 11 years old. I remember watching this programme about a tribe who lived...god I can't remember, but they lived with some rare ideas of how to survive. One particular episode had a profound effect on me. I say 'profound' because it was horrific. . yet I can remember it as though it was yesterday, but I know it won't have the kind of effect on me as it did all those years ago. I lost sleep over it, became distant, nervous, uneasy. I couldn't eat. I retracted into my own little world, which was easy because I was having trouble at school anyway. I was tall and lanky, my teeth were built like a horses, they stuck out with, and still have a gap between my front teeth, room enough to get my tongue through sideways. I had no self esteem. Now I can hear you asking what has my tongue got to do with losing sleep etc?! It doesn't have anything to do with that. I was merely stating that to have witnessed such a traumatic incident on a TV when I was 11 years old, was some thing that effected me long term. This was the very first time I started to self destruct. I got upset talking about what I had watched, what had happened, and in great detail I reeled off from start to finish. In detail, with tears rolling down my face, followed by nightmares every night for weeks. I was seen by the doctor, my parents got worried when out of the blue I started wetting the bed, this adding fuel to my in depth worry. Looking back I guess I was a troublesome child. Biting my finger nails was another bad habit I picked up, picking the skin around my fingers was another, until the point of making them bleed. Being picked on and bullied at school. So..... where am I going with this? Any child can bite their nails, yeah it's a disgusting habit, most kids did/do it right? I had to go one step further. I started to scratch the skin on the back of my hands.... and scratch...... and SCRATCH, until I made them so sore I'd do it all again, adding spit so the friction wouldn't burn. For god sake I was worried about friction burns and I was persistently scratching
my now red raw flesh, it would eventually bleed, but I would wait until the next day when the wounds had dried up and I would start all over again. This went on for days/weeks/months! So you see I started to 'self harm' at a very young age. And I know from the deepest part of my 'child' world that it has dented my self esteem, and up until recently it did, dent my self esteem.
It's hardly surprising is it that I've continued when the shit gets thick, I bring out all the sharp instruments and start carving myself up again. I guess I was an early developer! I have to say I did eventually stop pissing in my bed. Biting my finger nails came much later in life. My nails are much different now, I take more pride in them. I know for a fact that children have good imaginations, but what I saw on that programme left me effected for a very very long time, some thing in me altered, I wonder if it was an omen. Was there a message, from another world. Or was it the fact that I was a strange child, different from all the rest. They weren't picked on and bullied at school, I was, my life at high school was a living hell. Yeah ,I was tall and skinny and had crooked teeth. I believe deep down in my soul that what I experienced from the age of eleven was the making of who I am today. I have, I believe I've grown in strength. I also strongly believe that for all the bullies in my life were there for a reason, they were a test for me. Sent by my guardian angel.. a test? So had I not have witnessed that awful film thirty seven years ago, and gone through all that physical crap, would my up bringing have been different? Would I not have been bullied? Would I have grown up whole? It's a shame I couldn't have grown out of this harming process, even into my adult life I've cut myself, but I've graduated from scratching to using real instruments of destruction. It's amazing how clean a cut you can make with a brand new razor blade, the sharper the better, like a hot knife through butter. Then I have all these scars, all self inflicted of course, by yours truly. So you see I still have this stigma, that has followed me through the ages. I have however tamed this heat that some times just devours me. Why do you think I have so many tattoos? They cover up the bad stuff so I don't have to remind myself of the bad times.

Saturday, 19 September 2009

Part two - Spiky n Me

With the wind in our hair and the sun on our backs, we headed off out into the wide open roads. This new bike had every thing and I had the girl of my dreams right behind me, precious cargo. My heart racing and my pussie twitching under the tight black leather jeans that kept my secret safe. I could hear her shouting some thing in my ear.. I slowed the bike down, put her into third gear, with no traffic near us, I tilted my head back toward her mouth. Spiky was pointing at the cactus at the side of the road up ahead. " I need to pee," a broad smile shot across my face, " sure " nodding my head I pulled the bike to an almost stop, putting my foot down to steady the bike. Putting her into neutral, side stand down, Spiky climbed off the back, with panic spreading across her face, clenching her groin and jumping up and down in desperation. I climbed off, taking the keys out of the ignition, led her to the side of the road less conspicuous to any passing traffic. Before I could say anything, she squatted by the side, unzipping her full length black leather skin hugging jeans down the full length of her tanned..toned legs. My eyes fully focused on her shaved pussie. The hot gush of urine hitting the scorched earth with such an urgency, the sound escaping her lips of total relief. " Arghhhhh.... that's better." I was still smiling at the sight of her shaved pussie, she standing there in front of me, her hands on her hips with her jeans still around her ankles, draped over her cowboy boots, steel toe caps glistening in the midday sun. The sun beating down on her-our bodies. I took a step closer. Kneeling down in front of her, looking up at the wicked expression on her face. Unzipping my jacket, my white t-shirt stretched across my small breasts. My nipples standing to attention. She widens her stance, making my approach easier. I slowly brush my hands up her thighs savouring every inch of toned skin. "Mmmmm.... and what do we have here?" She puts her hands on my head to steady herself. The scent of a woman, her sex glistens with a perfume, a perfume more powerful and intoxicating, more appealing than liquid gold. I direct my thumbs toward her labia, lean forward and plant small kisses around her sex. She sighs, willing me to carry on. I kneel forward once more bring myself closer still to her clit, this jewel buried amongst fine silk. With my tongue licking the surface, then deeper..stronger strokes... she tastes delicious, I lap at her feet, eating her sex... her orgasm building, her legs start to shake. Bringing my right hand to my mouth, licking my fingers I can taste her juices. Slowly I insert them into her pussie then the other. My tongue working faster, my fingers slower, I can feel the heat rising . "" She bends down forcing her finger into my open mouth, I suck as she imitates fucking my mouth. Saliva dribbling.The pace quickens. Taking her to another level. The point of no return. Once more with ease I take her a step closer. " Yes! Yes! Ye---s! " Suddenly she starts to stagger as the full force of the approaching orgasm takes hold, my tongue still attached to her sex, I'm losing my composure, but it's too late and she falls on top of me. Half finished with bringing her to orgasm, my hand soon finds the way back to her soaking wet hole. Rapturous screams of pleasure escape her mouth as I continue . Pulling her jacket apart and with the free hand I gently squeeze her juicy tits. She squeals under her breath biting my tongue. I take no notice, the pain is exquisite. I smile to myself, her eyes shut tight, mine open. I sense her orgasm subsiding, her body slows, legs twitching, flexing. She rolls over on to her side. After a few moments, her eyes open and she's staring up into the blue sky- motionless...breathing in shorts gasps.
" God... you're good." She smiles at me. " Ya reckon?" smiling back. We lie there for what seems an eternity. Back on the road and the sun's going down. We should make a move, it'll soon be dark, we don't have much gas left. She plants a huge wet kiss on my mouth and tosses a wink. Keys in the ignition and we're soon back out on the highway looking for adventure!!! Some miles up the highway I can feel a draft coming from my groin but I can't take my eyes of the road. Then without warning I feel the sensation of my zip being pulled down I ease back against my woman, loosening the grip on my handle bars. slowing down the speed. Her hand pushes into my jeans, and as I'm riding commando, she finds my now juicy hole. " Mmmm..." I mutter under my breathe, " Oh yeah baby..." biting my bottom lip, trying not to fall off the bike or crash. Her hand moves with expertise. I grind my hips to the rhythm of her wanking me, the bikes wobbles but I manage to keep control. " Fuckin hell.....!" "Oh yeah baby Mmmmm.....yeah.... shittttttttt. " My thighs take most of the shock, the euphoria riding all the way up my thighs into and out of my throbbing pussie... I have to stop the bike, I have to!
Once more I pull the bike to a grinding halt. Lean back even further and take her in my arms.

Sunday, 13 September 2009

Part one Spiky n Me

The sun was blazing down on the tarmac, it seemed to be melting... and so was my heart. I'd met this girl, she lived just five houses away from me. God she was hot. I tried everything to get her to notice me, but it all seemed to be of no avail. But.... one day I saw her chatting to another girl, she was butch and that kind of scared me, they seemed to be getting on really well, my heart sank to the depths that day. I figured I'd lost her for good. I became distant from the rest of the world, I didn't make the effort any more. I saw her at high school one Monday morning, after spending the whole weekend doing nothing but dreaming about her. I was day dreaming as I walked aimlessly down the hall then 'thud' I dropped all my books and landed awkwardly on the floor, it hurt. As I sat there in a crumpled mess on the floor rubbing my knee feeling dazed, I looked up and met this shining angel looking down at was her. My heart leapt from my chest into my mouth. I tried to say some thing... something like ' hi- I think you're so gorgeous' but nothing came out of my mouth, I made the shapes for the words but silence escaped me. She bent down and held out a hand... I just stared at her. 'Here grab my hand and I'll help you up.' That was the start of a very happy friendship, that with time developed into a very exciting love affair.
Tuesday morning came and I couldn't wait to get to school, I dressed in my tightest black leather trousers, put on my purple low cut sleeveless cotton t-shirt, it had a picture of a Harley Davidson motorbike on it, I was mad about bikes. My Uncle who lived in Nevada, had promised to give me one for my birthday which was on Saturday, I couldn't wait to ride it for the first time. The rest of the week came and went, we passed by each other in the halls and I sat a few tables from her at lunch time, occasionally she's glance my way and smile. I'd sit there day dreaming of her on the back of my bike, us riding of into the sunset together. Friday lunch time came and as usual I was first in the queue for food. There was always a rush for food, and I was always hungry, but to look at me you'd wonder where I put it all! I couldn't make my mind up what to order, standing there staring at the food counter, bodies behind me becoming increasingly annoyed.'Hurry up' they shouted... I opened the fridge to get a can of Dr.Pepper and this other hand smothered mine, as I turned around to see who it was it was my new found girlfriend. I looked at her, no I found myself staring at her, her eyes were fixed on my chest, my t-shirt to be exact. 'Wow' I just love Harley Davidson motorbikes, I've dreamed of owning one some day. I couldn't wait to tell her I was actually getting one tomorrow.... I was splitting my sides wanting to invite her on the back for a ride. 'So you like bikes eh' 'Yeah.' We actually have some thing in common. We sat together that lunch time, I don't remember what I ate or what she said, I couldn't get this amazing image out of my head, and wondered what she's look like in black leather, tight black leather!!! I was starting to salivate. Saturday came. I watched excitedly as the delivery truck rolled off my new bike, she was awesome, dark red leather seat, chrome exhaust, huge fat back tyre. I thanked my Uncle via phone, he'd been ill and unfortunately couldn't make the trip. I signed the slip thanked the truck driver, grabbed the key and started her up. The sound of this throbbing engine, the feel of her on the road. I took her for a ride around, and thought I'd call round to see if my girl was in. I pulled up onto her drive. Putting the side stand down, climbing off her. I had the biggest grin on my face. The sun was out, my black leathers clung to my skin, I was hot... in more ways than one. Walking up to her front door, hesitating at the door knocker, pulling away... what would she say? Just as I was about to knock for the first time, at that critical moment, my heart pumping in my chest, my pussie becoming juicy,the door opened. She stood there in front of me. In front of me in all her shining glory... my mouth dropped open. Black leather jacket opened just below her plump breasts, cleavage in sight. Tight black leather jeans, laced from her ankles to the top of her thighs..... cowboy boots over the top. Tassels hung on the back of her jacket. I was speechless..then I said it ' you are fuckin gorgeous darlin.. you ready for some fun?' She slammed the door shut. As I led the way down the drive to my new bike, she slid her hand into mine. I stopped, looked around and she planted a kiss on my lips, 'what's that for?' I asked.... ' I watched you park on my drive, I saw you walk up to the door. Oh my god she knew what I'd got planned. I pulled her back to me, our eyes met, her breasts pressed against mine, the scent of black leather, the creak of leather, intoxicating, sun beating down on us. Shades on, I climbed on and she followed. 'Hold tight me love' I told her. To feel her thighs cling tightly around mine, to have her groin moments away from my ass. I could feel her heart beating, her breath against my neck. I turned the key, she jumped in to action, my girl on my back, her hands holding around my waist, I was in heaven.

Saturday, 12 September 2009


As I stand outside your house
one final time, the memories
come flooding back of all the fun
we had..the moments we shared
the love we had. You were one crazy
lady, loving, warm and some times mad!
It was so sad the day I found out...
the hospital smelled of lonely people,
all of what we had, we laughed and cried.
That fatal day came...when you my best
As I now stand here, my eyes brimmed
with tears, I can hear your voice in my
ears. Your shadow followed me here today.
You're here with me my friend.....
oh yes indeed.
Your house lies empty now, not how it
used to be.. full of fond memories, your
photos are all gone, but I hold you dear
in my heart. I talk to you when I am sad
I am sure you are listening. I can just
imagine your reply.... you'd smile....
make me a cup of tea, tell me it's OK.
You'd sit me down and reassure me, soon
you would get me laughing again. You see
it's you that I miss, our friendship was so
great, then you left me........ you died!
I will always hold you dear in my heart.
I carry you with me wherever I go..
I some how know that you can hear me
I glance at your photo nearly every day,
smile and say 'hi how you doin girl?'
I met with your daughter today
went to your house, sat and caught up
with the great times we shared.
It's hard to believe it's two years since
you passed, the emotion is still raw.
You weren't meant to go so young,
but death is never fair.
I will be with you one day, but hopefully
not just yet, we'll catch up, make a cup of tea
and laugh, laugh, laugh...all day.

Friday, 11 September 2009


It's hard to explain what I feel,
in this head upon my shoulders,
the thoughts running round in
my mind. I'm not your usual woman,
I should know..... I've tried.

I fell in love with that woman.
Five and a half years we had,
we shared the love and laughter
then it all ended in tears.
I shall never forget those fatal
words she said,they often creep
back into my head, but now I
realise, how much they hurt.

But that was then and this is now
I come to notice my love never died.
Her smile it warms my soul, her eyes
light up my world, I hold that burning
torch for her, just wish she could still
be by my side, but we still share that
something, that never will blow out.
I've grown a lot in strength and yes
I am so proud.

Proud to know she was there for me,
she held my hand...we kissed so sweet
her lips were soft and juicy, her touch
so warm and wanting, our love was magical.
To the stars and beyond. I put her on a
pedestal, for no one but me to touch.
I still love you girl, with all that we loved.

I cannot deny it any more, it's true.
I have to accept that is will never be
anything else, but to me it's still special
but deep down in my gut, I got a feeling...
she knows.