Panic Stations

Well the time has come for us to wake up and smell the coffee.
With another letter from his boss, and a date for another meeting
to discuss his job, our house, his money they haven't paid him..
the time is gettin ever closer to actually take a deep breath and
realise that we may not have a roof over our head for much
longer. We've both lost our appetites. I've got rid of the massive
headache I was carrying around with me last week. I'm sleeping
better but he isn't sleeping much at all. So we are kind of in limbo
right now... not sure what will happen next. The meeting was
originally this coming Thursday but it's now been moved to
this Wednesday as Thursday we're out for the day to celebrate..
like I/we feel like celebrating anything... my 51st Birthday!
We were going to go out on our m'bikes today for a short spin,
my idea was not to right now as he's not sleeping too well, as
you can imagine.. how would you feel if you were about to
not only lose your job but the house that comes with it, your/
our home!! Sick? Angry? Lost? Anxious? Betrayed? Shitty?
But to name but a few words to describe how I feel this
minute. I thought that because his/ our minds weren't on
the now... that riding a m'bike might not be a good thing.
You need to have your heads screwed on for that job, other-
wise you might lose our head/legs/neck/life!!! Our idea was
for him to work at least 3 more years to pay off our debt.
Now we're at that stage where we have to finalise our
finances.... tighten our belts.. he's even asked me should
we need to down load some items, to gain some cash..
would I be prepared to sell my 'Nitebyrd' m'bike? I
said yes but only as a last resort. I don't want to think
that far ahead.... so I'll keep my head up, try to cheer
him up, try to eat some thing and keep smiling, although
I actually feel like smackin his boss until he doesn't
have a heart beat. He's worked for him for almost 44
years. Has about 2 weeks off through accidents that
happened on the farm, he wasn't paid sick pay, his boss
never came to see him, he was only interested in when
he was returning to work (selfish c**t!) So as you can
imagine my hubby is feeling like crap as though
his boss is about to (and I know he will) crap on him.
I won't be moving in a hurry, this is my home, I've
lived here for 29years, he's lived here 44 years.
I want to cry, but I can't, I won't be reduced to
that..... not yet anyway. So roll on Wednesday,
oh yeah and if we go and the so called boss wants
our son out too, then it becomes even more
personal, our son and Daughter live here, they
will have to find other living arrangements, like
they can afford to live anywhere else, but that
will be a welcome wake up call for them, make
them realise at 25 & 26 mummy n daddy can't
clean up after them anymore.. time for them
to wake up and smell the coffee too. I hate
coffee... I much prefer tea!

Useless

You weren't a good Mistress were you?
You couldn't tie knots for toffee,
and when eventually you picked up
the whip, your aim was crap too.
The times you hit me, mostly in
the kidneys...'ouch' came my reply.
I often wandered what am I doing
here................. and why?
The boots were really quite nice
but and here comes that 'but'
you hadn't quite got the walk
figured out. Your ass was too
big, your stance not right..
and after beating the crap
out of me... I'd stay the
night! By morning my ass
was battered n bruised,
the mascara had run..
every time I sat down
it hurt my bum. But..
and here comes that 'but'
for some god damn reason
I kept coming back.....
was I really that sad?
I suppose I thought it
was this thing called
love, and all of the above!
The more you whipped me
the more stubborn I became,
hoping that one night you'd
improve on your aim?! But
sadly for me, you did not!
Saturdays came and Saturdays
went, and here I would be...
bent over, my eyes covered up
to stop me from laughing as
you waddled in those boots,
your ass was too big, your
aim was out of line, I did
all of this because I thought
you were mine. Years came
and went, time.. money spent.
Then out of the blue you told
me one day that it wasn't you
it was HIM!! He was the one
who instigated the plot, the
one who said what was what!
I couldn't get my head around
this.. I thought it was for you
apparently not! For had I have known
what was for real, I'd most
likely have told you both to...
FUCK OFF!!!!

Remembered

As I stand outside your house
one final time, the memories
come flooding back of all the fun
we had..the moments we shared
the love we had. You were one crazy
lady, loving, warm and some times mad!
It was so sad the day I found out...
the hospital smelled of lonely people,
all of what we had, we laughed and cried.
That fatal day came...when you my best
friend.................................................died.
As I now stand here, my eyes brimmed
with tears, I can hear your voice in my
ears. Your shadow followed me here today.
You're here with me my friend.....
oh yes indeed.
Your house lies empty now, not how it
used to be.. full of fond memories, your
photos are all gone, but I hold you dear
in my heart. I talk to you when I am sad
I am sure you are listening. I can just
imagine your reply.... you'd smile....
make me a cup of tea, tell me it's OK.
You'd sit me down and reassure me, soon
you would get me laughing again. You see
it's you that I miss, our friendship was so
great, then you left me........ you died!
I will always hold you dear in my heart.
I carry you with me wherever I go..
I some how know that you can hear me
I glance at your photo nearly every day,
smile and say 'hi how you doin girl?'
I met with your daughter today
went to your house, sat and caught up
with the great times we shared.
It's hard to believe it's two years since
you passed, the emotion is still raw.
You weren't meant to go so young,
but death is never fair.
I will be with you one day, but hopefully
not just yet, we'll catch up, make a cup of tea
and laugh, laugh, laugh...all day.

Only Human

I've had an amazing 24 hours! Last night I had a fantastic night out with a woman who I've been best friends with for so long, but I fancy her to pieces. Today I've been out for a thrill of a ride on my motorbike. Washed and polished her, cooked n amazing dinner and got pissed on three glasses of cabinet wine, and still drinking. This isn't normal this is M&S food...hahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahah... or as I say this is S&M food!! It's an enormous feeling, of total euphoria. This feels foreign to me because I've felt so depressed just lately, anxious, panic attacks, is it my age? Go fucking knows but one minute I'm high as a kite and the next I'm thinking fuck life I've had enough! I need help I think. Or is the fact that I'm talented and can't come to terms with life? I read some where some time ago that the talented are more likely to have problems dealing with life itself than normal people who just live to work and breathe n work, full stop! So do I deliberate with the physic? do I continue to drink myself into oblivion or just get on with life? We tend to judge ourselves when infact we should live for the moment. A friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer of the blood about three months ago, he spent 10 months in hospital......... He died yesterday. Alcohol lowers the senses, you can go from happy to sad in seconds..... I just did! Life is for living... live today as if it was your last. I'll be OK in the morning, will no doubt have forgotten about this conversation by tomorrow, may well think about what I've read and laugh at what I wrote.... I am after all only HUMAN!