Sunday, 18 September 2011


I had a phone call from Burt in Canada, that's my new relative, cousin to my other half. He's had his other operation for his fourth Aneurysm and all went well, however the bad news is......
Imagine sitting in the consultants room with this man in a white coat when he says, well the good news is...blah blah blah.. but we did however find some..... your hearts misses a beat, your mouth becomes dry... your heart races.... you have a nasty taste in your mouth... then he says... we have discovered cancerous spots on your liver. You world stops there n then. You don't believe what you're hearing. You look at each other as though you've never laid eyes on each other before... The doctor then announces Burt will have to undergo a camera up your back passage.... and one down your throat. I've just had an E mail off Kim his daughter, my new sister... the hospital have confirmed he has a tumour on his Colon along with the one on his liver.....OH SHIT it aint looking good! I haven't told my other half yet as he's gone on a bikers (men only) bikin holiday to Spain, due back next Wednesday, he celebrates his birthday on the Thursday, out for a birthday meal on the Friday night, so by next Saturday when everything has happened and settled, I have to sit him down and break the news to him, his cousin's got cancer....His cousin is more like a second dad to him. I'm not looking forward to it one little bit. I worry about my parents, Dad's been in and out of hospital just lately... he's covered in scars... and now he has to piss into a bag!!! There goes his dignity!! My mother has been diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arhtritis apparently she's riddled with it..... can't wait for old age to kick in eh?

Monday, 12 September 2011


Today I went to work whilst wearing
a tubular bandage on my lower left arm.
Not a soul asked me what I'd done..
until after lunch when I realised that
the world was now actually awake!
The main question was..'what had I
done to my arm?' I replied 'whilst
climbing the bloody damson tree
I slipped and caught my arm on
the rough bark.. it's nothing
really.' That appeared to go
down quite well actually...
No I'm not lying, well in a
way I guess I am. Please don't
judge me either, I had enough
of that with my first session
with the not so delightful
councilor a couple of weeks
ago, who in her infinite
wisdom decided to label me
butch due to the way I dress.
I phoned the doctor's today
and cancelled my next three
appointments with the so called
councilor, I don't think we would
have got on terribly well..
So for now I'm back to the
beginning.. I'm now quiet again,
don't wish to talk to no one..
I actually thought I was
getting some where.. still
not sure if this world is
for me!! Still takin my
meds.. still not drinkin
alcohol. Treated myself
to a packet of brand new
razor blades the other
day... Sat really quite
quietly on my bed yesterday..
steady hand, not a note
of panic anywhere..
I was in total control,
and the first sign of
blood made me smile..
it didn't hurt.. I had
prepared coverage and
tissues at the ready.
Be prepared is my motto.
So I fell out of the
bloody damson tree..
easy really when ya
think about it. This is
my business,
I have come to judge
no one, so no-one
should judge me...
I feel free when
I cut myself...
end of!

Saturday, 10 September 2011

My Dad

After my fathers operation back in June this year, all was going well until he started to experience blood loss with no pain or warning. After considerable episodes he decided enough was enough. Doctors appointment made. The doctor was very thorough, the nurse patched him up.. a phone call made and my dad is collected this time by Ambulance back to Leicester Royal Infirmary to be mended. The doctor thinks that he contracted some kind of infection either from the plastic tube they implanted into him.. or some other way.. but I would have thought that if he had an infection he would feel poorly, under the weather? He had neither of these complaints. So he has had the operation to remove the plastic tube from his lower groin area, where upon the first aneurysm was, but they have had to cut a fresh wound just above the original one. The surgeon took a piece of vein from his arm, but that wasn't big enough so they took a piece of vein from his leg.. the poor man will have scars all over him! I am visiting him today with my Mum. He phones my mum several times a day, as up until last time he was in hospital ..they haven't been apart from each other for so long. She gets lonely... doesn't eat well, they are both diabetic.. he hates hospital food.... who likes the food in these places?? He has had several blood tests and the main test being they will grow a culture which will take anything from 10 to 14 days where hopefully it will give some clue as to why he suffered the blood loss and suspected infection in the first place.

Sunday, 4 September 2011

Happy Anniversary

Yesterday to the day in 1983.
I got all dressed up to meet
this man I'd fallen in love
with.. to meet him at the
alter, with all our family
and friends to witness...
to say these words followed
by two very important words
'I DO'.. and we did, that
was a day to remember..
we remembered the day
yesterday with cards
and a nice meal out just
him and me... 28 years
is a mightily long time.
He's stood by me through
thick n thin.. I am his
wife, the mother of his
off spring..I don't think
we've done too bad all
these years... I still
love him, I always will.

Thursday, 1 September 2011

Highs & Lows

Nothing changes
my lack of feelings
have gone away..
they say it's the
it's not that
I'm staying
awake.. I can
sleep for
England but I
awake feeling
totally shattered.
Time will tell
if the meds
have got it
days I feel
almost good,
then whack..
I've taken
two steps
forward and
several back.
I'm constantly
tired.. got
black circles
under my eyes.
Yesterday I
was laughing
and joking..
I thought it
had worked..
It had not,
today I felt
worse.. still
no alcohol,
I've even lost
weight.. I'm
so counting
on the meds
some kind of
the doc says
it should make
a difference in
a couple of months!!!
Hell shit three
months is a long
time, I'm hoping
this so called
miracle appears
pretty soon so
I can crack open
a long awaited
can of beer to
fuckin celebrate,
if it's not too