Wednesday 30 November 2011


Some thing is stirring down below.
Not quite sure why or how, I don't
honestly know. Painful here, grumbling
pains there... for what I can remember
all those years ago. The doctor asked
me certain questions of answers I
gave my best.. I have an appointment
next Monday..some red stuff they
will take... they think it is
my bowels, a subject often not
spoken about... this is slightly
to the right, the kind of
uncomfortness that keeps you
awake at night. So fingers
crossed for some news I need
to hear...and those infamous
words form the nurse....
'you'll feel just a little

Monday 28 November 2011

66 not out

Friday night was planned.
Go out for a meal at our
local... go see the Xmas
lights turned on then
wonder around checking
out the bring n buy
stalls, get into the
spirit of things..
listen to the children
as they scream with
joy on the rides..
But we didn't...
I spent 4 hours
in A&E with my
other half, after
finding out he'd
had a wee accident
on the farm where
he works. I have
to say the nursing
staff were very good
thorough. Pain
wasn't a problem
for my man, the
depth of the cut
and the amount of
red stuff flirtin
out of his flesh
was enough to make
me realise there
is more t this
nursing than we
actually think.
I couldn't be
a nurse, I get
squeamish at
the sight of
to clever with
the red stuff
either. It
turned out
he'd cracked
the big toe
bone but split,
if that's the
right name
for it, the
deep incision
in his foot,
that refused
to stop bleedin.
He was admitted
and went to
theatre Saturday
morning to have
the cut opened
some more so it
could be
cleaned out..
He is off work
for a while..
but I know
unless I lock
him in the
house, he
may at some
He is like
me, I don't
do sittin
down takin
it easy..I
get bored
very quickly!!
So no ridin
his motor-
bike for a
no drivin
the car..
I've hidden
both sets
off keys.
Might give
him a bath
later, you
ever tried
out of a
bath with
one leg?!
So this is
the first
time ever
that he has
a general
Up until
he's never
ever had
an operation.
66 not out!

Tuesday 22 November 2011









Tuesday 15 November 2011


If you do what you always did

you get what you always got!!

Monday 14 November 2011

Time out

Last Thursday was not the best of days due to me losing one of my boys. Bruce went to sleep., the angels are keeping a safe watch over him now. Friday was a little better I had the day off work, so a three day weekend I had and very nice it was too. We went on our motorbikes to North Yorkshire on the east coast of England to a famous place called Whitby.. famous due to Bram Stoker was meant to have landed there many many years ago. The setting is beautiful, with the remains of the Abby on the hill. We got there in just over 3 hours, stopping for much needed toilet break and hot drink to thaw out. Traffic was good... it stayed dry all the way... that is good because we normally get wet and for November too! I spent the whole three days doing absolutely nothing apart from chilling out, eating fish n chips at the famous Magpie cafe... eating large slabs of apple pie n custard at the Whistle stop cafe where all the bikers stop for refills. Saturday the sun came out and although it was cool it stayed bright and cheerful for a hand full of people wondering around the trinket shops.... We've been to Whitby now for several years, we always stop at the same B&B as we know the couple who run it, their full English breakfasts go down a treat and set us up for the day. So I've had a lovely stress free three days away, just what the doctor ordered. Back to work today, didn't feel like it though, but hey that's Mondays as the Boom town Rats sung once.... 'I don't like Mondays!' And you can always tell when you're near the sea.... seagulls making their usual noise!!!

Thursday 10 November 2011

R.I.P Brucey

This is my pussy cat 'Bruce!'
He died today whilst out
playin on the road, he
got hit by a car. I am
so sad, I can't stop crying
He wasn't quite a year
old. My eyes are sore
my vision blurd.
I will miss him so much..
We will find a nice quiet
spot in the garden under
the damson tree where I
often found him playing
or sun bathing. Now I
have to go and cry
some more. Sleep well
Brucey, I love you.

Wednesday 9 November 2011

pissed, again!

Take me as I am
and if you don't
like what you
bang ya head
on the way out.

Tuesday 8 November 2011

Against the grain

I've never been selfish in my life.
Generous to a fault my mother used
to say... shirt off my back I'd give
if I thought it'd help, last penny
in my pocket to anyone I'd give.
I like to be of help.. putting
others first, fighting peoples
wars.. giving a helping hand.
I really am struggling to put
me first for a change, it
doesn't seem to come
naturally, of course it
isn't who I am. If I am
to recover this dismal
state of depression that
I'm in, I need to carry
on regardless or I
won't conquer anything.
Some days I find my
mind wandering to far
and distant lands,
lands where I shouldn't
go, the demons will be
waiting to take me by
my hand. These inner
screams are deafening
I don't know what to
do... how long do I
have to defend myself.
When I stare in the
mirror, a frightened
young girl meets me
with fear in her
eyes.. most nights
I don't have pretty
dreams but night-
mares in black
and white.

Monday 7 November 2011

No title

No title,
no answer
to the
way I
of the
way I
my senses
are numb.
No to
the next
How I

Saturday 5 November 2011


Lookin back I regret everything I ever did in my life,
everyone I ever tried to love... I gave my everything,
that was my down fall. I only ever wanted to be loved.
I love...loved every one I came into contact with...
when things went tits up I blamed myself, like a
sponge I soaked up all the negative thoughts, they
dropped me like a red hot brick...discarded..spat
out. Finished... I was left to pick up the pieces.
This time I thought I'd got the hang of things..
Proves I didn't.... but I've learnt one thing in
my tedious existence on earth to not give in! I
won't-can't admit to being wrong... I've kidded
myself for such a long time that I was no longer
in love... thought it better to quit while I still
had my sanity, look where that got me. I am twisted,
sad... empty... but there it goes again. I won't
admit to being wrong. As I see it in my eyes I
wouldn't have come up to standards, I set the
bar... further than I can ever touch.. Diamonds
are not my best friend, I'm a nobody who doesn't
deserve fine stones... the only thing I should
be wearing around my neck is a noose..........!
My mother always used to say when I had friends
around for tea, I'd sit down at my piano to play,
stop showing off.... So I never showed off again,
confidence knocked from an early age. Follows you
around in adult life...
I don't want to know what rows ya boat, too busy
trying to stop myself from getting any deeper in
to the self harming regime again. Blades out shiny
and new... it's like riding a bike... some more
practice and I was off again... fresh wounds!!
I'm not looking for pity...s o don't give me any.
I have grown to know when the shit has hit the
fan, I have also learnt how to avoid the shit,
by ducking... or in my case pretending it isn't
happening.... because in my own little world
everything is perfect, rosy and smells of
vanilla. I tried to be a slave once, because
she said she loved me, I was beaten, whipped
had unmentionables done to me because I thought
if I didn't comply she wouldn't love me... in
the end she just used me...spat me out I'm
left to pick up the pieces... life's a
bitch called Indi and then I will die..
at least in death no-one can use me.
But these are just words on a page...I
don't believe what I write anymore..
I certainly don't love me anymore..
by the way these words aren't for
your benefit if you happen to read this
of which I hope you don't. I wouldn't,
couldn't cope with you thinking I'm
some sad bitch, I might be in my head
but that is for me to think about
and no-one else ya hear me....? So
what to you all want for Christmas?
Apart from world peace and no more
starving in the world... I want to
be happy with who I am...
I won't write words that I think
people would want me to write or
want them to read because I want
them to like what I write...

Lost n found

In limbo.
Not quite
sure of
what to
do next.
I feel
in one
then in
it all.
I don't
have to
how you
I can
on that
I can't
the last
time I
got so
mad, drank
four pints
of beer
and then
out. Got
lost just
I did
that night,
home in
the cold
lost and
so alone.
I'm good
at tellin
My memory
as clear
as the day
it went.
Ask me
how I feel
I feel
but found.
Not so
much as
at peace
with the
woman I
now know
I am.
I won't
on your
for you
to forgive
me, been
done that,
it doesn't
last very
long. You
want to
talk, you
have to
ask me..
like I
said last
time, this
time it's
all about
me. I'm
used to
not thinkin
about you.
I thought
it'd be
hard, in
fact it
was a
piece of
So there
you have
it, how
I really
feel right
now.. not
quite lost

Tuesday 1 November 2011