Damaged

I've been feeling out of sorts just of late. I don't really want to discuss it just yet because I have to discuss it with some one else first. This problem I have has been eating away at my soul for some time now. Time being of a length of months that could possibly have run into years without me actually realising it. Some thing that I've tried to brush under the carpet thinking it'd go away or I was imagining it. Is my mind so full of hurt that I've got the two confused? I have several issues that each time I think about how I'm going to execute them, I get wound up and even more so angry. I need to down load this unhappy emotion otherwise it'll make me one sad lady who will worry the rest of her life, and I'm not about to waist any of that on anyone. But it's not as easy as that, it never is! I need to write a letter, a hand written letter , explaining how it's come to be this way. For once in my life I know I can do this, I have to be strong, I am in control. Like I said I can't give to much away until I've written the letter. I wouldn't normally write this kind of a post but I'm looking for constructive advice.. of which I know I'll get of my friends out there in cyberspace. I have a very good friend at work who sends me advice via E mail, she chats with me at work, she's putting me on the right track...... but her job is counselor. It's always good to have some one out side of the situation who can take a fresh look, without taking sides. Some years ago I went to see a counselor who wound me up so much I snapped, she was found later to be 'not' doing her job and she was sacked, I never went back for round two after that, but my friend has to deal with real fucked up people, the kind behind bars, so my problems are superficial in comparison, but not for me. I need to sort this out, for my state of mind. Now it might go smoothly but it might also go 'tits' up so I have to prepare myself for the inevitable, but I hope that doesn't happen, it'd be a shame if it did happen. I shall have to see. Write from the heart as that is where this all started from.

Drowning

The words only appear to flow when I've opened a bottle red wine. So I ask myself... can I only write when I am drunk? I feel like I'm drowning. I keep coming up for air... take a gasp, then sink! Tonight I started to cry... I can't remember the last time I actually cried. It's meant to be a release isn't it? To feel what I'm feeling right now, I can't describe. I feel like smashing this glass and attacking my veins with it, pretty in red! I now I said I'd be away for a while, but I have to write some thing every day, today not being my best day. I thought about writing a poem, but I wouldn't want to depress my audience any more, god you must really get bored of me wining on about how shit my feelings are, how depressed I feel, sorry................. I can't visualise, I can't even see the fucking computer screen right now......my eyes are all bleary! I always seem to hide my feelings. We don't cry out loud, keep it inside, learn how to hide our feelings. We don't cry out loud-words by Elkie Brooks! I look at people and think they look good, they must feel so confident with the way they present themselves, I catch my reflection in a shop window and wonder who the fuck's lookin at me. Yeah. that sad lookin bitch, that's who it is..ME!! I don't wish to worry any of you,I'm slightly depressed at the moment..I'm just venting anger. Anger for what I haven't got the faintes..t, idea. Sorry I'm crying again. Why the fuck do I write this shit? I have so many questions about 'who' I am. I'm GAY for god's sake. Yeah but listen to this, 'cuz I feel I'm a cheat. My story so far. I got married to a wonderful man 26 years ago, I have two siblings. They are great and the daughter is 23, a fully qualified Lawyer, my son is a fully qualified Joiner. I came out as Bi-sexual just before I actually realised I was GAY! I have all this guilt, but at the same time I have a wonderful husband who adores me ,my best friend, father of our two wonderful intelligent children... but I'm GAY!! Bisexual was a title I gave myself because I thought I'd be excepted, but I felt I was cheating myself. My husband knows I love women, he's aware I had a 5 n half year relationship with this awesome woman, who one day destroyed my life.. told me it was over. I came so close to jumpin in front of a train that day. SHIT ! SHIT! SHIT!...... I know I could never leave him, but how am I to find a woman who is happy with me? Any one got the tissues? I want to get really angry, hurt from the outside 'cuz it's killing me on the fuckin inside. I need another drink... a cigarette would be nice. I think my major problem is I'm scared of screwing up. But I don't think I'll ever feel safe from me.. All this lovely flesh, the excuses I think of when I decide to produce some well executed cuts YEAH YEAH YEAH I hear you all, takin a deep breath remember I don't have the fuckin bottle to do any harm, but ya never fuckin know, that's the worryin part, aint it? I'm fed up of apologising for my chosen words, I'm gettin it off my chest. "ARGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHH "..... I will read this tomorrow when I am sober and regress into the bottomless pit from where I came from. I so desperately want to not be here in this shitty hole, I've been here before, and from what can remember, it wasn't exactly the 'Ritz' then. 'Oh shit she's off again!'