Closure

It's been a long and some times emotional year. I never really had closure on an event that happened some years ago. Over the past couple of months I have however come to realise that I can now actually move on. I have moved on. I feel so much better, whole again. My spiritual being is now complete. My smile has returned, my energy levels can now operate 100%. I've also had a good clear out. It's funny how we tend to hold on to stuff that we don't really need. I had several paintings that had too many memories so I did the necessary, gave them a good burial- in the dustbin! It felt good to de clutter my life.. rid the past to make room for the future. So should the person who I'm talking about happen to read this short story, you'll possibly realise that I HAVE left you. I aint coming back. It's obvious that you're not interested in my well being and personally I don't give a sh*t. So here's to my future .. I know it's going to be good. I have so many things planned. I have a tattoo to plan, a new leg to look forward to. Now that I know I haven't got anything wrong with my breast, I've had the all clear I can move on...'sigh of relief.' Five days off at Christmas, time to relax with my family & friends. In fact I will be very busy going to parties just before Christmas, time to meet new people and have a ball. I don't need to reflect on the past any more .. that is history. I am off to Canada next June for three weeks .. I can't wait. Time flies, it'll soon be here. So let me take this opportunity to say an early 'HAPPY CHRISTMAS' to every one in blog land, yeah I know it's three weeks away but I'm getting my greeting in first. May you all have a wicked & non Vanilla yule tide wherever you are.

Time to Reflect

It's been a while since I last wrote anything. I did say I wouldn't be long but I'm not quite ready to return yet. My mind isn't on the job of creative writing just yet either. I am however rediscovering myself again in a new light. I have found strengths that have been buried for what seems forever, these have given me an added ability to look at myself in such a manner that ... I guess the list of possibilities is endless. I have and am still dealing with an issue that has escalated over the past so many years, in more ways than one! When I do return I will have hopefully sorted my head out and have some thing juicy to write about. Shit happens I guess. I am enjoying my time off, but in another sentence..... I'm missing writing and receiving those heart warming comments that my friends in cyber space leave for me to inwardly digest.

Drowning

The words only appear to flow when I've opened a bottle red wine. So I ask myself... can I only write when I am drunk? I feel like I'm drowning. I keep coming up for air... take a gasp, then sink! Tonight I started to cry... I can't remember the last time I actually cried. It's meant to be a release isn't it? To feel what I'm feeling right now, I can't describe. I feel like smashing this glass and attacking my veins with it, pretty in red! I now I said I'd be away for a while, but I have to write some thing every day, today not being my best day. I thought about writing a poem, but I wouldn't want to depress my audience any more, god you must really get bored of me wining on about how shit my feelings are, how depressed I feel, sorry................. I can't visualise, I can't even see the fucking computer screen right now......my eyes are all bleary! I always seem to hide my feelings. We don't cry out loud, keep it inside, learn how to hide our feelings. We don't cry out loud-words by Elkie Brooks! I look at people and think they look good, they must feel so confident with the way they present themselves, I catch my reflection in a shop window and wonder who the fuck's lookin at me. Yeah. that sad lookin bitch, that's who it is..ME!! I don't wish to worry any of you,I'm slightly depressed at the moment..I'm just venting anger. Anger for what I haven't got the faintes..t, idea. Sorry I'm crying again. Why the fuck do I write this shit? I have so many questions about 'who' I am. I'm GAY for god's sake. Yeah but listen to this, 'cuz I feel I'm a cheat. My story so far. I got married to a wonderful man 26 years ago, I have two siblings. They are great and the daughter is 23, a fully qualified Lawyer, my son is a fully qualified Joiner. I came out as Bi-sexual just before I actually realised I was GAY! I have all this guilt, but at the same time I have a wonderful husband who adores me ,my best friend, father of our two wonderful intelligent children... but I'm GAY!! Bisexual was a title I gave myself because I thought I'd be excepted, but I felt I was cheating myself. My husband knows I love women, he's aware I had a 5 n half year relationship with this awesome woman, who one day destroyed my life.. told me it was over. I came so close to jumpin in front of a train that day. SHIT ! SHIT! SHIT!...... I know I could never leave him, but how am I to find a woman who is happy with me? Any one got the tissues? I want to get really angry, hurt from the outside 'cuz it's killing me on the fuckin inside. I need another drink... a cigarette would be nice. I think my major problem is I'm scared of screwing up. But I don't think I'll ever feel safe from me.. All this lovely flesh, the excuses I think of when I decide to produce some well executed cuts YEAH YEAH YEAH I hear you all, takin a deep breath remember I don't have the fuckin bottle to do any harm, but ya never fuckin know, that's the worryin part, aint it? I'm fed up of apologising for my chosen words, I'm gettin it off my chest. "ARGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHH "..... I will read this tomorrow when I am sober and regress into the bottomless pit from where I came from. I so desperately want to not be here in this shitty hole, I've been here before, and from what can remember, it wasn't exactly the 'Ritz' then. 'Oh shit she's off again!'

True Colours

I'm trying to be a better person.

I'm trying oh so fucking hard!

I start off will all good intentions,

but then it goes awefully wrong.

I'm trying to be nice, huh!

I want to be horrid, think it may have

some thing to do with A.W.O.L

You see my hormones have left me, it's

also very fucking hard

like trying to fry onions in half

a tonne af LARD!!

I think I've lost the plot, I'm starting to cry

for gods fucking sake, ... I tried!

Some days I start off 'HAPPY'..

but get half way through the day

I'm starting to tare my hair out, what can I say?

I also lose my temper, that's not a pretty sight..

I'm crying now, and I have no reason why?

If any one can help me, please throw me a line..

I think I'm going crazy.................

Can any one tell me WHY?

Trying to climb out..

Today was meant to be good. I'd planned it to be so, but as the day progressed I got more out of control. My feelings for myself began to melt. I tried so hard to stop feeling the way I did, but I couldn't stop myself. The first cut is the deepest, it releases the pain held back from years of struggling to be me. I 'm trying very hard to be me, different, I like. I wear odd socks on my feet. My trousers are too short but I'm OK, I'm different. I can cope, or so I thought. I found a piece, small enough to hide in my pocket, of hard plastic. ARrrrrrrrrrr the feeling is intense pleasure as I dig deeper into the abyss, which opens its arms and welcomes me with such content. I tell myself everything will be OK, I'm crying now.. am on the wine too. I look in the mirror and see this stranger, who are you? Am I you? Not one to cry out for help, I keep quiet. 'What have you done to your arm?'.. some one asks. ' Oh the darling pussy cat had a mad half hour and attacked me'... yeah I'm a compulsive liar too.. another of my faults.. well no-one's perfect, me? far from it. God what I'd kill for a cigarette right now.. two three four, it's passed now, that was a close one! I look back and remember my best friend who passed away last year, she smoked she had cancer and yes you've guessed it, she died!!!
Let's hope tomorrow is a brighter day, I think I need therapy, nope, been there done that, couldn't cope with it. They kept asking me why I felt like I did. I gave them the answers they wanted to hear, not knowing the real answers myself. That didn't work either... Shit happens