Inner strength

I see this is how my mum views
the world around her.
Tears well when I see her cry, arms wrapped around
Her like rose petals before the rose curls up and dies.
Take hold my hand dear mother, I am here for you, I will
Not let anything hurt you... I whisper in her ear.....
I love you.

L O V E

For all that we have,
for all that we love
for all that we have
and always will, love.
For you and for me,
for her and for him,
for the old and for
the young, will all
and yes..Carols sung.
For the memories we
hold, for the one's
we have lost, we
shall and forever
never forget. For
all that this
world brings,
for all that god
delivers I will
will my everything
love you. For all
that I have
I now give to you
with all of my
yesterdays...
I offer you all
your tomorrows.

Canada

I met with an open mind.
Packed my bags, left this
country behind. I didn't
know what to expect, would
I say hello or mourn with
all my regrets. He made it.
He lives with a new agenda.
The doctors cut, removed
and stitched.. he's good
to go...home. He did, I
met him and his wife..
the whole family are
so nice. I was worried
I wouldn't fit in.. I
don't know why, I'm
crazy, they are too..
I discovered some
amazing people, far
away in the land of
Saskatoon's. We ate
we slept, we got
given around. New
relatives to find.
Generosity, love
and care to name
but a few .
I had a ball
I had a blast, I
wish I could've
stayed, I didn't
want to come back.
Jet lag is a bitch,
still not sure how
or where I am..
leaving was traumatic
I came away sad.
This new family,
my new sisters
in Ca... they're
only an E-mail away.
I will return in two
years time.. I
shouldn't wish my life
away, I wish it was
next week. We phone,
we talk.. we speak.
I got me new family,
friends that go all
the way. Friends
who I consider
with all my every-
things..true. I
love them all..
each and every one
of you.

Home Sweet Home

Home is where the heart is.
Where memories are cooked
flowers are laid, smiles
and laughter come gift
wrapped, inlaid with
gilt edges, paved with
love. Dusty cobwebs.
Heat rising, dishes
laiden with food fit
for a king, children
crying, babies muzzle
new teeth biting, toys
of joy bursting into
life..childhood growing
adult hood beckons soon.
Verbal abuse, character
playing, all good fun,
and when the day is over
all chores completed
and done, sit back a
while, smile.. for
hard work though it
may be.. this is what
we planned, you .. me
and dependent..make
three. Education..
recreation..blood
sweat n tears, they
leave us in ore,
we created this
tiny adult, girl
then boy. Brother
and sister full
of untold joys.
Home is where
it all started,
where the plans
were drawn up.
This is it, my
life so far..
I am in love
with it, me.
As for the
girl n boy,
adults now
they be. Own
lives to lead.
Education
eventually
paid off, a
Lawyer she now
be.. all grown
up.. am I so
god damn proud.
Son has a talent
for making
things out of
wood, I knew
he wood!! Upon
the farm is his
real time job,
getting up early
coming home
covered in !!!!
But they all have
their own ideas
of what life is
all about, or so
they think. They
have their
moments of
lettin off
steam, kicking
screaming n
shout. But when
all is said and
done, there's
the memories,
the day they
first took that
step, from then
on I've never
looked back. This
is how I live my
life, two kids,
now adults with
a husband in tow.
I'm happy for what
I give in life,
I have a fabulous
husband, I love
my life. Home
is where the
heart is.

'Spike'

Welcome one and all to this my new bike.
She is totally awesome, strong and wild.
I collected her today, rode her for the
very first time. She held me well like
a new lover, gentle and kind. I have a
name for her......... she is an angel
my steady steed. I can control her
with such want and need. I thought
long and hard as to what I should
call her. I wanted a name that
meant a lot, a name that I could
call a friend, one to trust, one
to call upon when I am in trouble
should I find myself in that place
where only the angels play.. but
I hope I never fall that way.
So welcome one and all let me
introduce you to my new girl
(Drum roll please)...........
'SPIKE' is her name.. after
my faithful friend Spiky..
She IS.. and we are one.
I will take great care of
her, we will have so much
fun. We were made for each
other, we fit like a glove
and yes ya could say ....
we're in love. ;)
She is my guardian Angel,
my true and loyal friend.
And one day I will take
you Spiky for that...
promised ride.

Words of Wisdom

1. Life isn't fair but it's still good
2. When in doubt just take the next step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick,
you're friends and family will, stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument.
Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with some one, it's more healing
than to cry alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
10.When it comes to chocolate, resistances is futile.
11.Make peace with your past, so it won't screw up your future.
12.It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13.Don't compare your life to others, you have no idea what their
journey's about.
14.If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15.Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry
God never blinks.
16.Take a deep breath it calms the mind.
17.Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18.Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19.It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20.When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21.Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for
a special occasion. Today is special.
22.Over prepare then go with the flow.
23.Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24.The most important sex organ is the brain.
25.No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26.Frame every so called disaster with the words "In five years will this matter"?
27.Always choose life.
28.Forgive everyone, everything.
29.What other people think of you is one of your business.
30.Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
31.However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32.Don't take yourself so seriously, no one else does.
33.Believe in miracles.
34.God loves you because of who god is, not because you did or don't do something.
35.Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it.
36.Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37.You're children only get one childhood.
38.All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39.Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40.If we throw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's. We'd grab ours back.
41.Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42.The best is yet to come.
43.No matter how you feel. Get up, dress up and show up.
44.Yield.
45.Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Sacrifice

I'm so cold, I can't feel
my hand shakes as I touch
myself. My flesh is week,
my head is full of want.
I see you standing there,
it's so dark I can just
make out your face, but I
don't look into your eyes.
The crack of the whip stings
my flesh. My eyes water, the
tears roll down... I want so
much to kiss you, feel you.
Your voice is a whisper
but the noise echoes a
thousand times. I kneel
before you, head bowed.
Skin shivers, I shudder,
I can taste my fear, you
hit me hard, harder than
before, I bend my knees,
stare down at the floor.
I have done wrong, I should
be punished..by your fair
hand. Pain is all I crave,
from earth I take it to my
grave. Sharpness bites at
my skin, blood trickles
warm sticky...the tears
roll again. Squeeze shut
my eyes. I ride this
wide wave...euphoria engulfs,
I want to kiss you
I want to feel you inside
me. Tear away this thing
you do to me, cut free my reigns
I felt the pain, now give me
the love. Wrap my in your arms.
Soothe my wounds, kiss away my
fear, anoint my soul with desire.
I'm willing to sacrifice everything
for us.

Time to Reflect

Time to reflect the people we've lost, the friends who have died.
The times we have laughed, the times we have cried.
Raise a glass to the heroes of war, raise a fist the governments
who get it wrong, for the ones who gave their lives, for us.. for
the families who won't ever see their loved ones again.
We don't live in a nice world, but we make great friends along the way.
So I'd like to raise a glass or two, wish them all the best, that's you
you, you and you. Time to say we're sorry, to apologise for being wrong..
turn up the music and let's sing a song. With merry Cheer and laughter
too. I like to dedicate Christmas to all of you. To all my friends who
I've come to know, in blog land, cyberspace, for the one's who I have
never seen, but who are full of 'amazing grace.'
If I could rule the world..this is what I would do:-
I'd end all wars, send the soldiers home, feed the starving, give
the homeless a home. Take care of the orphans, make them belong,
Help my friends when life goes wrong. Look after my family, which
also extends not only to the related but also my friends.
Find a cure for all illnesses that kill..this is my want..
this is my will. So MERRY CHRISTMAS & A HAPPY NEW YEAR to all
of you living somewhere out there.. Take care...I will.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Bare all -part one

I've always admired people who pose for art. I had a very interesting conversation today with a woman in an art shop.. well it was a shop that sells art work for different artists..I've been in there before, the price tags are a bit too high for my pocket but should I like a piece then I might consider it, but I have to fall in love with it. We got chatting and the one piece that caught my eye was a semi naked female draped in a sheet with her back turned towards me,kneeling down, the sheet softly clenched with her hands over her breasts, her chin just inches away from the side of her shoulder with a wicked looking expression on her face as if to say ' what the fuck you looking at?' The more I looked at the painting the more I felt her eyes were inviting me into the picture. Well that was my interpretation of it. I couldn't take my eyes of this awesome painting, I must have stood there for some considerable time. I felt a draft as this woman, very beautiful woman waltzed past me and made an immediate turn back to me getting very close;almost breathing down my neck. I would have put her in her early to mid forties.. stunning. She asked if she could be of any assistance (Hmm my mind momentarily went into over drive) 'um.. yeah.. well' my words came out rather quickly and not exactly in the right order. I tend to stutter some times when I'm in the presence of a gorgeous woman. The conversation went from what I liked about the painting. I'm no expert at art but I know when I've found a piece that I've fallen in love with. ' I like the way the artist has captured her innocence, but from the look on her face she looks like she has a different agenda. I felt her eyes scan the length of my body, as I looked at her our eyes suddenly met. I felt myself blush. I ran my tongue around my lips, my mouth had suddenly become dry, it was incredibly warm in the shop, I was in full bike leathers as I'd arrived on my motorbike. I started to feel faint. I staggered and almost trod on her feet. I felt embarrassed to say the least. 'Quickly.. some body get a glass of water'... I leaned against a free wall,wafting my face with my hand and trying to look not so stupid. I found a spare high stool and draped my tired legs around it. 'Are you OK?' she asked with some concern in her voice. 'Yeah I'm OK now thanks, just got a bit too hot, 'yes I bet you're hot in those black leathers?'OK now she's flirting with me. The shop was starting to fill up now, so I sat there for a while longer. She wandered off to attend some other customers, I found myself watching her. She'd got shiny black hair, it came down her back and seemed to glisten in the lights. Her eyes were stunning ice green. Her complexion was perfect.
She was wearing tight black satin trousers which complimented her cute little ass, each curve filled with fabric as though it were painted on. High heels that brought her to my height of about 5'10." Her perfume was delicate, it made me want her. She wore a white long sleeved shirt with a stiff collar, cuff links in her cuffs. Her shirt was showing just a glimpse of cleavage. Her painted red nails.. pure indulgence. I'd forgotten about the painting, but looking back at it I suddenly realised that I'd seen her some where before... but where? I checked my watch, one hour had passed since I entered the shop. I was by no means in a hurry.
After all I'd fallen in love.......... with this painting. A small crowd started to form around 'my' painting and 'my' new woman appeared to be in the centre of the crowd. It was only then that I realised where I'd seen her before. She was the woman in the painting! My jaw dropped. I new then that I wanted her.... and the painting.
I climbed of the stool and slowly made my way toward the front of the crowd, looking for her face.. listening for her name. I had fallen in love with this beautiful creature.. I had to know her name.

Pheonix Rising

I have come to the conclusion that some issues that I've had of late have weighed me down. I have done some soul searching and with a letter written and sent, I have managed to de-clog my head of these worrying thoughts that have eaten away at my soul. Now some times we get to the point of no return, we assume that this is is how it is... because we've moulded ourselves into thinking there isn't an answer or of there is, where the fuck is it? I think I've found the answer to that one. It wasn't easy and I still think I've possibly done it the wrong way, but it's done now, the more I think about what I said and how I worded it, I've got it clear in my mind that I was OK to do it like I did...(hope I'm making sense?) But as I've said, I'm one step closer to being 'ME' again, taking a different approach to life, enjoying that new approach..... in general going out there and finding some one to love me. I have a vacancy now. my ad goes some thing like this: One lady owner, strong of heart, easy loving, kind, generous, patient, understanding, adorable! I don't expect the phone to start ringing just yet, but I shall place the ad in a couple of worthy mags and see what happens. I have all the time in the world, I'm not going to rush into anything just yet, I've just got 'closure' from a relationship that happened some years ago. Yeah.. it's taken me this long .... but now I've completed full circle, the world is my oyster. I will rise from the ashes, I am a new born Phoenix and shall rise again. Watch this space.....

One Vision

Reach out.
Reach out and touch me,
I can feel your pain..
I can feel your sorrow,
let me share.....
all your tomorrows.
Let me hold your heart
in the palm of my hand.
We can do this...
you just have to try.
Try to understand,
from my side of you eyes
how much I love you,
how much I've cried.
I'm doing my best, it's
hard but I'm getting
there. Time is all I have,
I want to spend it all
with you. There's no
where else I want to be.
To wake up beside you,
to kiss you in the rain...
I want to take you in my
arms, never looking back.
Our future holds so many
memories, we have to do
this, it's our destiny.
Come hold me, come kiss
me in the rain. Let me be
your end, until the stars
go out, until the world is
no more, I am here for
you, don't ever forget.

Underworld

The cat looks down into the lake and sees a beautiful languid fish, like any cat it's first inclination is to toy with the alluring stranger then .......pounce. The fish will either elude the grasp or deliberately allow itself to be caught depending on which of it's ever changing moods it happens to be in. The cat is drawn to the mystical dreamer who represents a vast underworld of fantasy.
The fish has a quieter spirit than the cat but will give it's loyal devotion because emotionally they meet each others needs. The fish is sensitive and innovative and is capable of reading the cats innermost desires and offers the tenderness the cat craves. The fish will also awaken the cats spiritual potential. The cat, in return will supply the fish with energy and inspiration, and a boundless love creating a safe haven in which the fish can dwell....... so the fish allows itself to be caught.

Coming Out

There comes a time in every one's life when we all have to do some thing that takes a lot of 'balls.' Last week I did just that I came out to my family!!.................... The most nerve wrecking moment EVER!!!! I had decided what I was going to say... chose my words very carefully..... paced up and down the lounge carpet, palms sweaty. When the actual moment arrived-stuttering....... I opened my mouth.... and nothing came out that made any sense; but after a sharp intake of breath... I started again-and it flowed. My family were quiet, listening as I told them what I had practiced. To my 'amazement' ........... and 'RELIEF'... they had known for quite a long time. I felt like a heavy weight had been lifted from my shoulders. So........ no more pretending, no more excuses as to where I go of an evening or weekend. I can now be 'ME' and the family except me for that. I wish every thing in life could be so easy. I'd wanted to .. on several occasions to say some thing, some how explain why I was going out, where I'd been and who with; but I always thought it was my business and no one Else's. The new love in my life is 'PROUD' of me, but says she couldn't do what I have achieved, not at her place of work or to her family, only to her closest of friends. I too am out at work. Some people criticise me for who I am, they are not my 'true' friends. My real friends support me, listen when I have problems, they do not condone who I am, live and let live is my motto.

Love

From morning until night,
I held you close, never letting
you go from my sight.
Holding your hand and
touching your face,
outlining the contours of your body
feeling the heart beating inside your chest.

The passion that boils within me,
burns the very existence in me.
I can't sleep , I can't eat...
for I'm in love.
This crazy thing that attacks my senses,
feeds the mind, controls the my heart.
Leaving me spiralling out of control.

I can't eat, I can't sleep...
my appetite is dead..
thoughts of you, visions of beauty,
visions of you lying next to me,
holding me close to you, in our bed.
Your body is so soft, skin like satin.
Your touch melts my every thing.

I can't eat, I can't sleep,
I'm in love.
Love is a powerful thing,
I wake up every morning,
with this deep seeded emotion
I want to cry with joy,
listen to the angels sing,
run naked in the fields.

I will love you forever,
until the cows come home.
I will love you until the sky falls in
and the earth runs dry.
I will love you with all
of my body and soul.
I will love from now until I'm old.

Complete Surrender

I took you in my arms and gently placed a kiss upon your mouth-you tasted so sweet. Your lips parted, the taste of your tongue...filled me with emotions, beyond compare. The night was calm but in my heart, butterfly's fluttered. My hands trembled with the knowing that tonight was the night I'd waited so long for; the night I would give myself to you. I took you by the hand and led you into the bedroom, the door appeared to close by itself. Our hands explored each others hot body's. My mouth found your mouth, so sweetly, but yet so quickly did we undress each other, eager to please you, not wanting to disappoint you. Needing ... wanting to give you my ever thing. Calmly I unbuttoned your blouse, sliding my hands down the smooth flesh of your shoulders, you let out a quiet moan, throwing your head back in submission... following the fabric of your bra I fumble to release the fasteners, once more pulling so slowly past these erect temples of tight pink flesh before me, lowering my mouth, I take each one in turn , lick then devour into my lips, you let a loud moan of pleasure; your lips parted, your breathing becoming laboured. I take a brake from sucking your nipples, pulling myself back to your kiss. Our tongues darting in and out, nibbling both upper and lower lips, biting. My hands slide down to your jeans, fumbling with the zip, your hands beat me to it, it's sliding down before I get to it, one yank and I'm down to your thong...'Mmmmm'... black lace with the scent of a woman ready to submit her soul to me. I lay you down on the bed, the feel of fresh cold cotton sheets, fused with the heat of passion, I shudder, goose bumps covering my skin like a sheet of ice. My nipples spring to attention, the attention of your teeth. I crawl over you hovering like a vampire with it's pray. With my right knee I push your legs apart, lowering myself to you-nipples on nipples, flesh on flesh. The smell of your pussie infuses my senses giving me an appetite. Tracing the out line of your thong, sliding my hand down the inside of your thigh to your knee and back again, kissing every inch along the way. You lie their motionless lapping up all that I give you, all that I am, all that I think I'm falling in love with you. I can smell the moistness of your pussie, I inhale, flick the tip of my tongue over the fabric then bite into the black lace, you let out a loud moan, I wait, look up into your eyes, you smile back at me, I continue to tease you. Reaching to grasp the pink buds of naughtiness erect and wanting attention, rolling them between thumb and fore finger, softly then with more pressure; you scream. I smile wickedly under the covers. Placing one finger upon the black lace, waiting, ... waiting................... waiting. Your breathing is gettin heavier, as my finger delves into the depths of no return. Totally shaven, smooth and free. I trace the put line of your lips. inhale the sweet scent of your hot hole, reaching closer and with my pointed tongue lick the out line of your juicy flesh. Pulling away, you toss and turn, trying to fight the eruption that is taking part inside of you. Taking two fingers into my mouth, lubricating them, slowly gliding them into your pussie, I kiss your labia, part your lips and push my tongue all the way in. The pace quickens in and out, licking and flicking, licking and flicking my tongue upon your genitals. You rock your body in time with mine, you orgasm building with every second, every minute I touch you, every kiss I kiss you with, every fuck I fuck you with, the tension is mounting; I can feel you coming. My hand moves faster, you're thrashing about the bed, your legs wide, your hands gripping the fresh cotton sheets, thrashing with total abandonment, from a quiet squeal, your voice rings out.. a thousand choirs singing. Total rapture evades your soul, riling in Ecstasy. Complete surrender. I kiss you, slowly, gently, the orgasm slowing, it takes every ounce of your energy. Exhausted, you lie so still, after shocks of orgasmic tremor's flicker through your body, kissing every inch of your soul. You pull me toward you, I collapse beside you, wrapping my arms around you, planting sweet kisses over your face, neck, shoulders, eye lids and mouth. We lie there motionless, in exhaustion of our love making. Your skin tastes so Delicious so tender- warm. You look at me with those dark eyes, the windows to your soul. You smile with so much emotion, my vision becoming cloudy, I blink, a tear escapes-rolling down my face.. I am falling in love with you.

Reflection

Today is the Anniversary of my journey down to Devon. It's this time last year I found out my best friend was poorly, so I drove to Devon to see her. The journey was long, hot and tiring but well worth it, as I wasn't sure how long it would be before I saw her again, if at all. She had been taken ill and was coping the best way she new how. Secondary lung cancer is difficult in any one's eyes to cope with. The thought of dying is scary enough. But to be told that you have only a short time left to live must be earth shattering.. and maybe she didn't take it all in, maybe she knew but wasn't showing so. It's usually the people left behind that have to come to terms with it. Today I went to her house in the local village, where she once lived and thrived. The house is locked and a for sale sign is bolted to the wall. Quit a sad day for me. I went on my motorbike, parked it up and sat for some considerable time on the porch, just thinking of what she might have said about my new bike. I tried to hold it together and was doing really well until her neighbour appeared and asked why I was sitting where I was. I told him I was remembering the good times as my best friend used to live here but died last year. Up until that moment I was OK. He was a friendly kind of a man in his mature years. 'Oh yes' he said, with a broad smile on his face. 'She was a lovely lady...' that was it for me, my eyes started to fill up and I started to cry! He started to move away, 'Oh I'm sorry for upsetting you,' he said. 'That's alright, ' smiling back, it was due to happen, and it's good that I've come round to see her again. I still talk to her, she's with me most of the time, it does get easier, but I wish she was still here, I have so much to tell her, we have so much too laugh about, jokes to tell, hugs to share!
I spoke to her daughter a while back; they still have her ashes; they can't move on yet, but as long as they have her with them, that's comfort in itself isn't it? I couldn't make the service held for her last year, I was in Morocco. I do have the service sheet from the church and the poem she adored so much. This is the poem by Joyce Grenfell.........


If I should go before the rest of you,
Break not a flower nor inscribe a stone.
Nor when I'm gone speak in a Sunday voice,
Be the usual selves that I have known.
Weep if you must,
Parting is hell,
But life goes on,
So sing as well.

I shall remember my best friend as I knew her best, full of life, always laughing, bright, vibrant,
cheerful, charming, with an abundance of love for life and every one around her, family and friends. I loved her then with all my heart and I still do.

Lucky Escape

For some considerable time now I've been feeling some what low! Not sure about how I've been feeling this way but I've come to the conclusion it's either an iron deficiency or the lack of hormones!! Either way I'm gettin on with dealing with it... HOW?? Alcohol!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm startin to get a liking for red wine. For years I didn't ever drink it, I'm hooked on it now... to the point of nearly every night I look forward to a drink with my dinner. Well tonight I'm well n truly trollied! Although I'm bordering on almost sober, due to the almost good typing.. without too many mistakes. Tonight however took a turn for the worst... not to go too much into detail, I've been very pissed. I'm startin to think I have a problem? Tonight I've drank almost a whole bottle of some nice red bird, er... bottle! I've had a good day at work although I'm hung over in love with several women... several? yeh! I like to keep my options open, not that they even know I even exist! I'm rambling now... SO why and what am I talking about. Too be totally honest I'm not really sure, like I said earlier I've kinda lost the reality on life just lately. Tonight I came so god damn close to getting a sharp implement and doing some major damage. I tried so fucking hard to control my destiny... I tried so fucking...........................................................! Yeah am back again, sorry, hey shit... no! I'm not apologising for no one, I gotta get through this my way... how? I have no idea, but I can't go back to my old ways, I can't.... I nearly did tonight but it was a lucky escape for sure.................................

On the road to recovery

Tonight I had a sort out and I lit a bonfire, I thought I'd feel sad, angry, empty. I didn't feel anything., or if I did, I was hiding it well. It was the end of an era. Maybe it was the wine that I drank in vast gulps, maybe because I'd prepared myself for this event, I had accepted the inevitable. I have had a good clear out, it's amazing, us as human beings, just how much stuff we actually keep. I do however wish to apologise to some one for being ... possibly a bitch for any thing I've said, maybe they've taken it out of term, I don't know. But this for once is about me and how I've felt over the past god knows how many months. I'm looking toward the future, whatever that might bring, I know for sure that next time, if there is a 'next time' that I will not fall so fuckin head over in heals in love. I have to stay focused and take my time to channel my new energy's. Look after 'me' sod any body else. If I can't channel my energy's for me, then I have no hope for anybody else!! All my life I've been there for people, given my all, my best, my 100%. NOW I have to start taking care of 'myself.' I may not find new love, just loving myself is the number one priority right now.. and I'm not sure that's going to be easy.... but I will give it my 110%.

Farewell

After my last blog, I've had time to realise that I'm ready for a large bonfire. I've got to soon or later and maybe I should have a long time ago, got rid of a load of emotional shit. I'm not tired and I haven't been drinking, unlike last Friday when it all came flooding to the surface! Whilst I was at work today, a few work friends asked was every thing alright with me? as I'm usually bright n cheerful n telling jokes. Some times I like to have a quiet day, time to reflect on what I really want out of life, at work and at home. I've had all day to figure it all out. You might agree or disagree with that but I'm ready. I won't be told how to deal with my life, and I'm pretty sure some folk only have my interests at heart, some.... those I work with just want some juicy gossip, they ... I do not class as true friends! Anyway when I tried to explain my healing process that I had the wonderful opportunity of receiving a few weeks ago, as soon as I opened my mouth, I just knew .... I was waisting my time trying to explain why I was being quiet. Things like 'healing' and ' grounding' are not the terminology that these 'Vanilla' folk would understand, let alone figure out. It'd be like me listening to some body talk Chinese... a complete and utter waist of time, WHY?? because I don't do 'Chinese' that's why! Right so that is my decision. I shall prepare an area of ground tomorrow night and pour some flammable liquid over the area, just to make sure that the evidence is completely destroyed. I won't shed any tears, I shall raise a glass to the future and make a wish, that I find new happiness. But like I said in my Friday night blog, I'm not in any immediate rush, it will happen when the time is right.

Dealing with stuff

A few drinks and our favourite music playing... life seemed just fine, then it all came flooding back. I really thought I'd got over you, I'd been kidding myself for so fucking long now... but it's the wine playing tricks on my mind, my emotions are flooding, I've been up too long. I remember when I'd text you in the morning to say my hello's and again in the afternoon, then last thing at night before I retired to my bed. I have a book full of hellos and goodbyes. How the days were made of candy, so sweet and un real, our lives were made in heaven, My life would never be the same again, or so I thought. If you are reading this now, you'll now what I'm talking about. no names mentioned but you now who you are. I have a magic box full and over flowing with spent love, your scent, your perfume, you. I keep wanting to have a tidy out, get rid of the things that no longer have any meaning, I really thought I could do it, I was wrong, I can't not yet, not quite ready for that just yet. You know who you are, you brought love into my existence, gave me so much and I gave you my every thing. I can't let go, and I'm not sure I ever will. I've tried so fucking hard to cast you aside, like you did me, just a bit on the side you said, I have to write about it like that because that's how it was, fucking painful. Love isn't all it's cracked up to be, I feel very hurt some times, when I remember what we had, what I lost.. I really have to fight against what I still feel. So why now I here you ask? why talk about it again? I've been awake too long, I'm messed up and drunk, it's the wine's fault! I never did get it off my chest did I? I NEVER told my side of the story, how I felt? This might hurt you, you know who you are. I wanted to die that day. I went to hell and back, thought about suicide, yeah pathetic I know but that's how I felt. Why now? why not?
May be it's time to say goodbye. Time to have that tidy out! Light the bonfire and say my farewells! Out with the old and make room for the new whatever! Life's shit some times, this is for real, this is how it is, that's how it was then, time heals does it? That's a load of bull shit and every one knows it. I don't want forgiveness, it's too late for that, I've written my heart out tonight, it' was there and I had to write, it's the wine talking and I'm too tired to care. I know what we had, what we lost, I loved you so fucking much. I was doing so well, but just lately I've had different visions, coming from every direction, I'm lost some times, take a different direction, I'm still dealing with stuff, I'll get there one day, but there's no immediate rush!