On the road to recovery

Tonight I had a sort out and I lit a bonfire, I thought I'd feel sad, angry, empty. I didn't feel anything., or if I did, I was hiding it well. It was the end of an era. Maybe it was the wine that I drank in vast gulps, maybe because I'd prepared myself for this event, I had accepted the inevitable. I have had a good clear out, it's amazing, us as human beings, just how much stuff we actually keep. I do however wish to apologise to some one for being ... possibly a bitch for any thing I've said, maybe they've taken it out of term, I don't know. But this for once is about me and how I've felt over the past god knows how many months. I'm looking toward the future, whatever that might bring, I know for sure that next time, if there is a 'next time' that I will not fall so fuckin head over in heals in love. I have to stay focused and take my time to channel my new energy's. Look after 'me' sod any body else. If I can't channel my energy's for me, then I have no hope for anybody else!! All my life I've been there for people, given my all, my best, my 100%. NOW I have to start taking care of 'myself.' I may not find new love, just loving myself is the number one priority right now.. and I'm not sure that's going to be easy.... but I will give it my 110%.

The first step is the hardest...

I've spent most of my life trying to please every body, from parents to brothers and sisters..teachers to friends and even trying to fit in with the bad people at school, trying to be one of the gang... but it never seemed to work. I was beaten up on several occasions. I tried to do things the wrong way at school, didn't work either.. so I gave up! My parents weren't happy with my attitude either which made me rebel even more, and so the vicious circle started. I guess now I've grown older I'm still trying to please, you'd have thought I'd have learnt my lesson by now... oh no not me! You see my problem seems to be that when I'm given a project to do , I give my very best effort 100% always have.. and when people wanted to hear some thing, I told them what they wanted to hear, regardless of whether or not it was true, thinking that it would make them love me even more.. well at least begin to like me at least. That wasn't always the case, I never lied about who I fell in love with. A new found friend of mine, who lives across the sea in America told me once that I had to learn to really love myself... and I guess in a way that's where I've been going wrong all these years, trying to love every one I came in contact with, forgettin the real me. I should love myself for who I am, putting myself first then thinking about what other people want... easier said than done. So what is my next step? Hmm... not sure how I start to love some thing that for the past forty or so years has been the joke that every one has laughed at, or that's how it feels. So if you people out there in blog land know what I should do and how I should go about loving myself then please show me the way, because I haven't the fuckest idea where to start!!