Calmer Waters

Just to let you all know that after my heart wrenching story 'Instruments of destruction' last week, I've calmed down a hell of a lot-for how long I have no idea. Spiky-Jackie-UBS-Nitebyrd to name but a few have given me strength to regain my inwardly love that I'm missing from me, let alone the world, I can't take everyone on at once. I would like to THANK YOU all for your heart warming lovely loving comments that you wrote for me, some of which made me cry, but I think they were good tears .. tears being some thing that I rarely part with, even when I'm slicing my flesh up! Today at work I had the opportunity to go the whole hog and join the GALIPS union. A union that protects Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual & Transgender people from sexual discrimination.. also helping them to work in a safe environment, equal rights etc. I got a goody bag with rainbow coloured goodies in... actually the signing my name and ticking the box marked 'Gay' was more exciting than getting the goodies. I've come a hell of a long way recently, and what with my writing and how that has developed, I think I've chosen the right path in life, just need to find me a woman now! But I realise that should I never find a woman to share my world with, it doesn't matter, but I'll sure have fun looking. I want to get a step further with my writing, I must get in contact with Mia again, I know she's a busy lady what with her job. Tomorrow is a day not yet started and after a good nights sleep, my batteries hopefully recharged, I should start to regain my life back. I've felt bogged under of late, it's almost like my energy channels have got crossed, giving out negative energy, what with late nights and long days, this week has been extremely tiring. Some times it's like that, but I tend to think I can cope...I'm not getting any younger or so my Friends keep reminding me!! ;-). Monday is a day to get over with before it's started. I had some dis functional visual defects in my left eye, back in March- well actually it was behind my left eye. Any way after several trips to the eye hospital, having drops into both eyes that dilated the pupils, ( felt like my eye balls had been grated) having incredibly bright lights shone in them...as you can imagine I've had enough, but they have yet to find out what caused it in the first place. At my last appointment in September I was told by the specialist that a woman of 'my age' shouldn't be having haemorrhage's behind my eyes. That left me feeling slightly worried as you can well imagine. I had to have endless blood tests ( I hate needles) and a chest X-ray of which I get the result on Monday. I have absolutely no immediate worries at this stage of the game. I will however keep you all posted. So that's a catch up of me for the past !!!!!! months. I'm not going to write anything for a while, to tell you the truth, I've lost my erotic vibe of late. It's like that some times ...... but I will be back.

The first step is the hardest...

I've spent most of my life trying to please every body, from parents to brothers and sisters..teachers to friends and even trying to fit in with the bad people at school, trying to be one of the gang... but it never seemed to work. I was beaten up on several occasions. I tried to do things the wrong way at school, didn't work either.. so I gave up! My parents weren't happy with my attitude either which made me rebel even more, and so the vicious circle started. I guess now I've grown older I'm still trying to please, you'd have thought I'd have learnt my lesson by now... oh no not me! You see my problem seems to be that when I'm given a project to do , I give my very best effort 100% always have.. and when people wanted to hear some thing, I told them what they wanted to hear, regardless of whether or not it was true, thinking that it would make them love me even more.. well at least begin to like me at least. That wasn't always the case, I never lied about who I fell in love with. A new found friend of mine, who lives across the sea in America told me once that I had to learn to really love myself... and I guess in a way that's where I've been going wrong all these years, trying to love every one I came in contact with, forgettin the real me. I should love myself for who I am, putting myself first then thinking about what other people want... easier said than done. So what is my next step? Hmm... not sure how I start to love some thing that for the past forty or so years has been the joke that every one has laughed at, or that's how it feels. So if you people out there in blog land know what I should do and how I should go about loving myself then please show me the way, because I haven't the fuckest idea where to start!!