Broken

I have no one but myself to blame! Only I can control what happens next. I have fallen rock bottom once more. Love ? If there is such a thing? I found an inner strength last week to speak my mind and say what was really bugging me about the relationship of a tender 7 months..... I appear to have blown any chance of ever mending what I have broken. It's not like a smashed piece of pottery, I can't glue it back together... wish I could. My head has been riddled with the thoughts of cutting up , that I thought I'd got rid of.... surely If I was to slash my wrists, it would take the pain away?? 'cuz I sure as hell feel like it right now.... alcohol fueled and ready to go!!! I'm sitting here with a large kitchen knife on my lap............Extra sharp for maximum precision.
To feel the pain, to let it all go.... red sticky stuff, only I really know. Only I can control this, only I can decide how deep to go. I know that before I do perform this act of guilt and shame I will think long and hard how far to actually go, you see I am in control, I have to be don't I? If I wasn't in complete control I would've been in A&E long before now. I've always been screwed up in the head department, I gotta be, I keep falling for the wrong people. Guess being 'out' aint such a good thing after all... May be I should denounce my true identity and climb shamelessly back into the dark pit of abnormality where it's obvious that's is where I belong!!