Lost cause

OK... so I've given up bread for lent, god knows why, but I have, I've lost some weight in the process, not wanting to try and lose weight.. but I have! Can't give up fags, cuz I've done that and into my 5th month now. Can't give up chocolate cuz I can't eat it, I have an allergy to it..shit happens! Anyway I've been really good just lately cuz I haven't self harmed!!! AND that for me is a major break through, so I'm raising my glass to myself ...'Mmmm' this red wine's got a sexy body, velvety and smooth. I'm turning over a new leaf so to speak. I feel emotionally drained instead. Why? Well I'm not quite sure but I put it down to over load. My brain has been starved of attention from the adrenaline rush I felt from cutting..please don't judge me. Unless you know me and can relate to my problems then please DONOT judge me. I feel most vulnerable when I've had a drink, but with the help and guidance of several good friends who visit my blog, and they know who they are...'Thank you' to you. I shall endeavor to follow my new found path of a clean living, terminology used for ex- druggies-users-cutters etc;etc;etc.
I will be taking part in the race for life challenge in May of this year to raise much needed funds for Cancer research.. I had retired from running, but this is my new quest, to dust off my running shoes and take to the roads to train, for the ones who weren't so lucky. So you see there is a reason for carrying on, making the most of what I have, and for a 5k run I hope to raise a load of dosh.. I have already got sponsors for over £100.00. They say money isn't everything, but in this case it sure as hell helps, although I'd much rather have the people back, my family and friends who've died. This makes my problems melt in to insignificance, but because I can't diminish them that easily, I can fall back on my raising cash for a good cause.

Some where over the Rainbow..

I talked yesterday about a beautiful rainbow I'd seen on the way to work, and the wish I'd asked for.. well I can tell you now what that wish was...To be happy for the day and believe it or not it worked. Today however was a different story! No colourful rainbow... so how did I survive? Amazingly enough, pretty well. I did have an accident mid afternoon but that was partially my own fault, and when the bleeding had subsided and when the swelling has gone down I'll be fine. I do believe that with my belief in wishing that I had a good day yesterday and stayed happy throughout is true testament of knowing that this is what I strive for. And if the weather doesn't throw rainbows at me when I'm feeling glum then it doesn't really matter, I've proved to myself that I 'can' be happy.

Make a wish...

On the way to work today I witnessed a beautiful rainbow lighting up the clouds, with an etching of the sun peering around from behind. So... I made a wish! And I can't tell you what I wished for otherwise it'd break my wish into a million pieces and it would rain forever... OK, so I got slightly carried away with the last sentence! I've had a lovely day at work, and believe me it's a different kind of job, unusual, so enjoying it IS hard for me or anyone. So what do I aim for? A rainbow every day? Because I don't hold my hopes out for that tall order, do you? I've obviously convinced myself that with just a few bright colours in the sky, a trick of the light, that I can have 'happy' days... Tomorrow will be the test for me, unless of course we do see another rainbow..! But I'm not going to pretend anymore with what I feel and how each day arrives. I'm starting to smile on the inside again. This feels good!!!!

Courage.

In previous posts I've talked about the 'Abyss' and how it drags me down into the unknown. Well I'm kissing the 'Abyss' goodbye as from today.. Kickin it into orbit. No more cutting, no more bleeding and putting myself down.. instead I'm holding my head up high and walking proud. Proud of who I am and who I want to be.. I'm not there yet, these are just the infant stages of my journey. The map isn't clear and I don't have sat nav either, but I know roughly where I have to head for. I've got to reach for the stars if necessary, take each day as it arrives. If we awake tomorrow then it's a blessing. I don't pretend to be any one in particular, but I am important... to me first and fore most. For once in my life, I come first. Look after number one because no one else will!! I can honestly say I'm in for an experience that will change the way I talk, think, love, live. I don't proclaim to be super human, far from it. I do know that we all have a reason for being and I WILL find the true me.

Re-birthing..

Tomorrow is my ?? birthday and while I'm desperately trying to break this vicious circle I'm stuck in, I'm also thinking with the kind help of Nitebyrd, to be re born. To find a new and exciting direction..some where I've never been before, not even in a former life, and I do believe I've had those before. So tomorrow is the start of my re-birthing. A day to step forward and not look back. Sorry for a short story, I'm conserving my energy levels for the excitement to come, in whatever shape or form. This I think will awaken my senses, alert the woman in me, turn on the light and guide me down the road to happiness. I'm thinking it won't be an easy ride, but it's the destination I'm looking forward to, and I'm sure of the fact that when I get to this lavish place, I'll know my time on earth is just beginning. I have to stay positive, calm and cross my fingers. It's not going to be a smooth ride, but I have come prepared. Wish me luck...

Trying to climb out..

Today was meant to be good. I'd planned it to be so, but as the day progressed I got more out of control. My feelings for myself began to melt. I tried so hard to stop feeling the way I did, but I couldn't stop myself. The first cut is the deepest, it releases the pain held back from years of struggling to be me. I 'm trying very hard to be me, different, I like. I wear odd socks on my feet. My trousers are too short but I'm OK, I'm different. I can cope, or so I thought. I found a piece, small enough to hide in my pocket, of hard plastic. ARrrrrrrrrrr the feeling is intense pleasure as I dig deeper into the abyss, which opens its arms and welcomes me with such content. I tell myself everything will be OK, I'm crying now.. am on the wine too. I look in the mirror and see this stranger, who are you? Am I you? Not one to cry out for help, I keep quiet. 'What have you done to your arm?'.. some one asks. ' Oh the darling pussy cat had a mad half hour and attacked me'... yeah I'm a compulsive liar too.. another of my faults.. well no-one's perfect, me? far from it. God what I'd kill for a cigarette right now.. two three four, it's passed now, that was a close one! I look back and remember my best friend who passed away last year, she smoked she had cancer and yes you've guessed it, she died!!!
Let's hope tomorrow is a brighter day, I think I need therapy, nope, been there done that, couldn't cope with it. They kept asking me why I felt like I did. I gave them the answers they wanted to hear, not knowing the real answers myself. That didn't work either... Shit happens

The first step is the hardest...

I've spent most of my life trying to please every body, from parents to brothers and sisters..teachers to friends and even trying to fit in with the bad people at school, trying to be one of the gang... but it never seemed to work. I was beaten up on several occasions. I tried to do things the wrong way at school, didn't work either.. so I gave up! My parents weren't happy with my attitude either which made me rebel even more, and so the vicious circle started. I guess now I've grown older I'm still trying to please, you'd have thought I'd have learnt my lesson by now... oh no not me! You see my problem seems to be that when I'm given a project to do , I give my very best effort 100% always have.. and when people wanted to hear some thing, I told them what they wanted to hear, regardless of whether or not it was true, thinking that it would make them love me even more.. well at least begin to like me at least. That wasn't always the case, I never lied about who I fell in love with. A new found friend of mine, who lives across the sea in America told me once that I had to learn to really love myself... and I guess in a way that's where I've been going wrong all these years, trying to love every one I came in contact with, forgettin the real me. I should love myself for who I am, putting myself first then thinking about what other people want... easier said than done. So what is my next step? Hmm... not sure how I start to love some thing that for the past forty or so years has been the joke that every one has laughed at, or that's how it feels. So if you people out there in blog land know what I should do and how I should go about loving myself then please show me the way, because I haven't the fuckest idea where to start!!

Fly me to the moon...

You planted a seed in my heart

and there it would stay..

I loved you from the first time I saw you,

right up until that day...

I kept on loving you even when we were apart.

I kept you safe and warm

in the centre of my heart.

You were my universe, my world.

You gave me so much pleasure

accompanied with the pain

you were my sunshine, even when it rained.

My world was always sunny

you made me laugh, you were so funny.

You were my red rose and I your sunflower,

You dressed in black leather, you had the power.

You gave me an appetite to feed on..

you were my day and night

The time we spent together

100% pure Rapture.

For I was your slave and you were my capture.

I'd have given my life for you

if you'd have been in danger,

but there was no fear of that.

I loved you and guided you

you were my shining light.

I'd take you on a journey to

Venus, Jupiter and Mars

up above the clouds..kissing the stars.

Crimson and Gold..

Our love was so special.

My lover was unique.

She used to leave my arse

with her own personalized pink streaks!

Within my body the pain was healed

upon my skin the pain was sealed.

From sunrise to sunset

Our love was crimson gold.

For I would've laid down my life for her,

But this she was never told.

For I held her in my heart

My lost crimson gold....

Vampire of Love

You were so wicked

You were divine

I loved what you gave to me

to make you mine.

And you were my babe,

cuz you were my love

And I was the lover for you above.

I took the pain with bones so fair

I had the universe reclining in my hair.

Just like your car, I was pleasing to hold,

I called you babe in our crimson and gold.

Your motivation was so sweet,

Your vibrations turned me to heat.

Girl.. I was just a vampire for your love.

Girl.. you just sucked me from your love.

The Enchanted Lake

It seems a dream.

Unconscious touch.

Twin hearts of ours to find

Each other through the mists of time.

To hold within this lovers Lake

The single heart this union makes,

A dream from which we never wake...

The Birth of a Swan Maiden

Tender Heart: Sweet Soul

I entrusted my white mantle to the mercy of our love.

I remember

The ring of guardians quivered when you entered there.

I watched you lift my swan-maiden self

And raise downy soft feathers to rest close beside your beating heart.

A moment of hush

And then a sigh

I am safe within our eternal love