Thursday, 21 February 2008

Trying to climb out..

Today was meant to be good. I'd planned it to be so, but as the day progressed I got more out of control. My feelings for myself began to melt. I tried so hard to stop feeling the way I did, but I couldn't stop myself. The first cut is the deepest, it releases the pain held back from years of struggling to be me. I 'm trying very hard to be me, different, I like. I wear odd socks on my feet. My trousers are too short but I'm OK, I'm different. I can cope, or so I thought. I found a piece, small enough to hide in my pocket, of hard plastic. ARrrrrrrrrrr the feeling is intense pleasure as I dig deeper into the abyss, which opens its arms and welcomes me with such content. I tell myself everything will be OK, I'm crying now.. am on the wine too. I look in the mirror and see this stranger, who are you? Am I you? Not one to cry out for help, I keep quiet. 'What have you done to your arm?'.. some one asks. ' Oh the darling pussy cat had a mad half hour and attacked me'... yeah I'm a compulsive liar too.. another of my faults.. well no-one's perfect, me? far from it. God what I'd kill for a cigarette right now.. two three four, it's passed now, that was a close one! I look back and remember my best friend who passed away last year, she smoked she had cancer and yes you've guessed it, she died!!!
Let's hope tomorrow is a brighter day, I think I need therapy, nope, been there done that, couldn't cope with it. They kept asking me why I felt like I did. I gave them the answers they wanted to hear, not knowing the real answers myself. That didn't work either... Shit happens


nitebyrd said...

It won't be an easy path, hun. You may take a step forward and two back. The important thing is that you don't tear yourself up because you backslid, but you put it behind you and continue to move ahead.

Shit does happen every fucking day but you need to try not to step in every pile. It's going to take time. Always remember that you have a cheering section, I'm convinced you'll find what you need.

Indigo said...

Today's been good. I went shoppin and bought myself some wicked clothes to wear at my re-birthing party tomorrow night...Mmmm Indian food and a sprinkling of alcohol!! Thankyou for trying to spur me on, I tend to get side tracked along the way..