Trying to climb out..

Today was meant to be good. I'd planned it to be so, but as the day progressed I got more out of control. My feelings for myself began to melt. I tried so hard to stop feeling the way I did, but I couldn't stop myself. The first cut is the deepest, it releases the pain held back from years of struggling to be me. I 'm trying very hard to be me, different, I like. I wear odd socks on my feet. My trousers are too short but I'm OK, I'm different. I can cope, or so I thought. I found a piece, small enough to hide in my pocket, of hard plastic. ARrrrrrrrrrr the feeling is intense pleasure as I dig deeper into the abyss, which opens its arms and welcomes me with such content. I tell myself everything will be OK, I'm crying now.. am on the wine too. I look in the mirror and see this stranger, who are you? Am I you? Not one to cry out for help, I keep quiet. 'What have you done to your arm?'.. some one asks. ' Oh the darling pussy cat had a mad half hour and attacked me'... yeah I'm a compulsive liar too.. another of my faults.. well no-one's perfect, me? far from it. God what I'd kill for a cigarette right now.. two three four, it's passed now, that was a close one! I look back and remember my best friend who passed away last year, she smoked she had cancer and yes you've guessed it, she died!!!
Let's hope tomorrow is a brighter day, I think I need therapy, nope, been there done that, couldn't cope with it. They kept asking me why I felt like I did. I gave them the answers they wanted to hear, not knowing the real answers myself. That didn't work either... Shit happens