True Colours

I'm trying to be a better person.

I'm trying oh so fucking hard!

I start off will all good intentions,

but then it goes awefully wrong.

I'm trying to be nice, huh!

I want to be horrid, think it may have

some thing to do with A.W.O.L

You see my hormones have left me, it's

also very fucking hard

like trying to fry onions in half

a tonne af LARD!!

I think I've lost the plot, I'm starting to cry

for gods fucking sake, ... I tried!

Some days I start off 'HAPPY'..

but get half way through the day

I'm starting to tare my hair out, what can I say?

I also lose my temper, that's not a pretty sight..

I'm crying now, and I have no reason why?

If any one can help me, please throw me a line..

I think I'm going crazy.................

Can any one tell me WHY?

Trying to climb out..

Today was meant to be good. I'd planned it to be so, but as the day progressed I got more out of control. My feelings for myself began to melt. I tried so hard to stop feeling the way I did, but I couldn't stop myself. The first cut is the deepest, it releases the pain held back from years of struggling to be me. I 'm trying very hard to be me, different, I like. I wear odd socks on my feet. My trousers are too short but I'm OK, I'm different. I can cope, or so I thought. I found a piece, small enough to hide in my pocket, of hard plastic. ARrrrrrrrrrr the feeling is intense pleasure as I dig deeper into the abyss, which opens its arms and welcomes me with such content. I tell myself everything will be OK, I'm crying now.. am on the wine too. I look in the mirror and see this stranger, who are you? Am I you? Not one to cry out for help, I keep quiet. 'What have you done to your arm?'.. some one asks. ' Oh the darling pussy cat had a mad half hour and attacked me'... yeah I'm a compulsive liar too.. another of my faults.. well no-one's perfect, me? far from it. God what I'd kill for a cigarette right now.. two three four, it's passed now, that was a close one! I look back and remember my best friend who passed away last year, she smoked she had cancer and yes you've guessed it, she died!!!
Let's hope tomorrow is a brighter day, I think I need therapy, nope, been there done that, couldn't cope with it. They kept asking me why I felt like I did. I gave them the answers they wanted to hear, not knowing the real answers myself. That didn't work either... Shit happens