Goodbyes

I never looked behind me
when you said all your
goodbyes, but I'm still wiping
away the tears that stung my
eyes, the misty sunsets, the
heat upon our flesh, I blink
and there it is, still fresh in my
mind. I run my fingers through
my hair, close my eyes and
wish that you were still there.
Lie naked in clean cotton sheets.
my nipples..hard, my heart...
weak. Can you feel where you
used to lie... I can taste you-beside,
I fight with the pillows, hold them
to my face, I can smell your
perfume....there's just a trace.
They say that time is a healer..
but I don't really know.. it's been
only a week now. Your photo lies
upside down on the shelf...
should I move it, I can't bring
myself. Maybe it's too early yet.
I'm still in the 'God I don't know
what to do stage.' Some days I just
sit and cry.... others I'm full of rage.
I can't make any plans, I don't want
to move on, I'm OK sitting here..here
where we used to hold hands. Used
do a lot of things, used to do's, don't
happen any more. The day you left
me, you broke my heart.

Time to say goodbye

Tomorrow I will be handing over my dear friend Dragonfly, my trusted friend my Honda deauville 650cc motorbike, in a part exchange for my new bike. I'm kind of sad, I always get attached to my bikes, like my cars, but I don't name my cars-just my bikes. Well you've seen the photograph on my blog... I actually get to bring the new bike home tomorrow. I would like it to be a nice day, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a dry journey. I shall say my goodbyes tomorrow just before I ride her for the last time, she's been a great piece of mechanical brilliance and never let me down, pitty people can't be like that.. never letting us down! I have to make room in my life for new beginnings. I know that once I get to grips with the Yamaha FJR 1300 aptly named ' Black Thunder,' I will love riding her. I will have to run her in, go steady for at least the first 200 miles, that shouldn't be too difficult, I'm not a stupid rider, I'd like to class myself as a sensible rider. I had a near miss the other day in the car park at work, some silly bugger didn't stop to see what or who was coming around the corner, it happened to be ME!! I slammed on the brakes, she kind of hit her brakes and we managed to miss one another... her explanation was " Oh sorry duck I didn't see you!" ... That's the main problem with prats in cars, they have tunnel vision and don't look out for any other road users..
For god sake it's a big enough bike ad I was wearing bright yellow fluorescent jacket, how the hell could she MISS me? Anyway, I can't make excuses for the idiots on the road who don't recognise us bikers, they should be given a test to see how they would cope in an accident with a biker or better still how to avoid having the accident in the first place! I will love and care for my new baby, she's brand new. I've had an alarm fitted, data chipped,heated handle bar grips, top box suitable for two crash helmets, and the addition of intercom, so I can talk to any passengers I decide to take on board. I'm quietly excited, tired more likely. I've been up since 5a.m-having started work this morning at 6a.m.

Courage.

In previous posts I've talked about the 'Abyss' and how it drags me down into the unknown. Well I'm kissing the 'Abyss' goodbye as from today.. Kickin it into orbit. No more cutting, no more bleeding and putting myself down.. instead I'm holding my head up high and walking proud. Proud of who I am and who I want to be.. I'm not there yet, these are just the infant stages of my journey. The map isn't clear and I don't have sat nav either, but I know roughly where I have to head for. I've got to reach for the stars if necessary, take each day as it arrives. If we awake tomorrow then it's a blessing. I don't pretend to be any one in particular, but I am important... to me first and fore most. For once in my life, I come first. Look after number one because no one else will!! I can honestly say I'm in for an experience that will change the way I talk, think, love, live. I don't proclaim to be super human, far from it. I do know that we all have a reason for being and I WILL find the true me.