Part 2 - Steamy Windows

You asked me to meet you in the city. Time and place arranged. I was there, nervous. Excited. Wet, with the unknown knowledge that you wanted me... I wanted you. The weather was cool, but my palms sweaty and itchy. I parked my car... and.... waited... for you. I rolled a cigarette. My hands shaking... with nerves... with excitement. I paced up and down, checking my watch, checking I was looking presentable. Checking my reflection in the shop glass window.
I looked at my watch, 2 o'clock I was on time. As I glanced from the left, you appeared from the right. My heart jumped. The last time we were together... we were kissing in the pub. I had my hands all over your body, well .... almost! You met me with a smile. My heart pumping so fast it felt like it would burst out of my chest. " Hi " my voice shaking. You replied back " hello." I felt awkward but ready for you. We walked, well I followed you, to the cafe for a coffee and a chat. I opened the door for you. From now on I was to open the door for you, put you first, make your happiness my priority. With gladness, but with interrupted nervousness. I soon found my niche. You were my new Love. I fell for you the first time I saw you. We sat, we drank, my words coming out all distorted. I couldn't keep my eyes of you. You smiled a lot which made matters worse, I couldn't keep my composure for long. My excuse was I needed the toilet. Staggering to the door, I missed the handle. Feeling the glare of your eyes upon my back. The wetness between my legs .. growing. The anticipation of tasting your lips upon mine. I hovered upon the seat, the jet of urine hitting the pan. My legs shaking with the heat in my imagination, you and I fucking! The sound of the chain ringing in my ears. I washed my hands and hurried back to my seat. I was presented with three blank cards. The instructions to describe three events in full. My mind raced with fear that I couldn't do this. What was I to write about. I smiled a lot at you. Your gorgeous smile lit a thousand candles in my heart. Coffee finished. We drove to the country. I followed you. The time was late afternoon. You pulled into a country lane and parked up. I parked behind you, climbed out of my car, hit the central locking and walked nervously around to the passenger side of your car. You leaned over, opened the door and I climbed in!
My pulse was racing, my mouth dry. You checked there was no other cars present. The windows were starting to steam up. Camouflage for our rendezvous. You placed your feet on my lap. Your gaze had me hypnotised. Slowly I untied your laces on your left shoe. Slid the shoe off your foot. Peeled the sock off, taking your foot to my mouth-gently sucked your toes... one... by ... one. You were putty in my grasp. I looked up at you, you had your eyes shut, licking your lips. Your hand reached down between your legs. You simulated masturbating...moaning;you weren't on the planet. Working my hands underneath your trousers to your thighs. Twisting my body to face you. You leaned forward, placing your hands either side of my face, pulling me towards you We kissed. Deep .... hot... with untold passion. My tongue danced upon you tongue. I reached behind you, releasing your bra strap. Climbing awkwardly into the back seat. Soon we were semi dressed and wanting each other. I slid you down to my level. With some kind of gymnastics I maneuvered myself so I was in eye contact with your clit, still buried in fabric. I could smell your scent. Pulling the zipped down, easing the trousers down from your body, with them the white knickers that hid your sex. Yanking the white fabric aside... I pushed my finger deep into your hole... You screamed with sheer pleasure. The sweet aroma hitting me, I wanted to fuck you there and then, but I so wanted to tease you. I pulled myself up and buried my tongue in yours. We kissed for an eternity. My finger still working on your sex. Mine was hungry for some attention, but my priority lay with pleasing you. My hand aching for a rest, but my mind... full of lust for you. Your ample juicy breasts hung before me like ripened fruit, fruit for the taking. Climbing upwards, still my hand deep inside your juicy clit, squelching, liquids flowing, your orgasm building. Cramp grabbing hold of my finger, pushing the pain aside. I take each supple nipple in my mouth and suck.. soft to begin with then harder. Your eyes are shut, you're on that planet again. I'm bringing you into land. My hand quickens, the pace hitting your right where you need it. Beads of perspiration run down my forehead, my fringe sticking to my face. Our kissing takes on a new level. I can feel you ... you're coming; you let out a muffled scream, not wanting the outside world to know what we're doing. What I'm doing to you. I'm fucking you with my finger. On the back seat of your car. On the back seat of your car in the country. In the country where any one can see. But the windows are all steamed up... perfect for our rendezvous. Your orgasm hitting new heights. Your shaking with the after shocks of the earthquake. The earthquake that has just ripped through your body. Tremors tickle your muted senses. Your mouth is dry. My finger's dripping wet with your cum. You slowly open your eyes, staring at the ceiling... then altering your gaze to mine. Your expression speaks a thousands words........ we kiss.. again.......... and again............. and AGAIN..!!!

Hell have no fury.....

.....Like a woman scorned! I have, and still am dealing with the 'loss!' On Tuesday when I realised the empty void in my life that was once filled with 'her' is now nothing-ness. I was and had convinced myself that that is what I wanted.... I was on cloud nine. I felt elated that I had my sanity back, I was celebrating in a way, that usually in that state of mind all I want to normally is kick and scream and rant and rave, throttle the f*ckin bitch to hell and back. But no! However the last day or so I've suddenly come to realise that the emptiness is not so good any more!
I'm assuming that this will die down soon, just another shit awful emotion that I had hidden away from normality. I said in my last blog.... she drove me mad with her silly voice, her damned noisy snoring that absolutely pissed me off, her bone idleness, 'OH' and using me, so why do I feel like I do? Don't get me wrong I don't want her back... god forbid! I had to laugh to myself today, I was out in this glorious sunny weather on my Yamaha FJR 1300 motor-bike. I called at the local super market in my black leather jeans crash hat n biking jacket, parked my bike, slid my lid off, re-arranged my hair only to find this rather dishy looking female staring right at me. God that made me SMILE big time. I realised that I may well have been dumped for whatever god damn reason that crept into her silly little head, but I can still pull the glances, I am still 110% female..in or out of black leather ( Leather has to be black!!) I smiled at her and she wandered off in the other direction... I smiled to myself every 5 seconds. I'm slowly letting go, the demons haven't left me yet, but with women still lookin at me the way that one did... I won't have any problems. I can still pull... I will wait a while before entering the gates of the Divine world of drop dead gorgeous women, then I shall play the field, take my pick.... Have fun once again, and maybe............................just maybe fall in love, but that scares me right now. I was beginning to think I would never find my true love. I know now I just have to look further a field.

Shit Happens!

I know from past experiences that breaking up with some one you love can drown your heart! From last October when I supposedly fell in love with this woman, she felt the same and we did all the usual things, fast and furiously. We couldn't get enough of each other. She said she loved me and I her! But I'm assuming that through every break up, we get stronger? I'm not saying this makes me a hard faced bitch, but I was officially 'dumped' on Tuesday of this week, but I'm on a high. I feel almost relieved that it's done... She was all for me last week, saying she couldn't live without me and wanted me in her life. But just recently I've been feeling distant from her. Her birth sign is Libra, and to be honest she could never make a bloody decision about any thing, and used that on many occasion. I would ask her about some thing and in whatever mental state she was feeling, I'd get this silly stupid childish voice...'Why?' Which did my fucking head in. OK so I'm venting anger now, is this all part of the process? Shortly after we got together last year she asked if I'd go on holiday with her,so I agreed, was looking forward to it. Unbeknown to me, the place she had chosen was where she went with her previous girlfriend, of ten years.. so my mind started to play games with my thoughts. She had always said horrible things about her ex, who by the way was my best friend-she died two years ago. OK so she's still hurting from that relationship. The story gets better, she has had in the past a man in her life, he's on and off the scene with her, so I felt like I was being used. Oh and on my Birthday weekend which we'd planned for ages, for me to spend with her, she told me the Friday night that she had mixed feelings. Why the hell didn't I get my things and leave there and then?? A couple of weeks ago she dumped him too. Then fuck me if he isn't back on the scene... see where I'm coming from? Yeah! Couldn't make a decision.. Sunday I sent her several text's on my phone and got no reply! At about 9pm that evening she decides to reply saying she couldn't get a signal and or her phone service was playing up. Right I thought, this is it, she's come to cross roads in her life but can't decide which way to indicate... or just may be some one has been telling her that I'm no good for her and to dump me?! I ignored her Monday, thought I'd give her some of her own medicine... Tuesday morning I sent her message asking... Hi babe what time you want collection for dancing tonight?Xx... I got back...... pity we can't be just friends instead of lovers? can we be just friends... my reply was no! So after that told her I was and never would be again going dancing!! End of relationship. Well and truly OVER!! GOOD RIDDANCE!!
There -have got it out of my system.... time not to reflect on what I won't miss, I hope she is happy now, 'cuz I sure as hell am. Just one last thing.... Am so relieved to be out of that mess.
I can now get on with my life. I've had my lot of bad luck, I'm hoping to avoid any more this year or for the rest of my existance on planet earth.

Good News.

Yesterday I went for a check up blood test to see if I have diabetes. Apparently last week, according to the eye doctor, I was boarder line diabetic. Today I found out I was not, and have never been that. I am totally relieved and can now get on with my life. I would just like to thank all concerned who have given me strength and courage, and good advice along the way.
I have now decided that if there is a next time that the doctors decide I'm ill or have some thing to which is new to my knackered system, then I will seek a second opinion as Jackie so rightly put to me, good advice... thank you Jackie. And will not panic until further information stating I'm ill until I know that I am. Here's to a long and fabulous life.... I still want to be riding my motorbike when am an old lady.... by the way 'that's' a L O N G way off !!

Back on Track

Well today I have been to see my own Doctor, who informs me that I don't look diabetic! Tomorrow I shall go for another blood test to confirm this. I have to admit I am very pleased at the out come, but annoyed that the doctor at the eye hospital last week told me differently. He quite clearly said that I was borderline diabetic. The thoughts that raced through my head were, I have to admit 'scary.' I guess we all make mistakes, but I didn't appreciate the fact that I was experiencing a possible life threatening change.
I think next time, if there be a next time that some one informs me that I might have a disease, that I will beg to differ and carry on regardless!! I can now take hold of my life and carry on as though nothing has happened.....'phew!' I do tend to over react, and have been told by several friends that I shouldn't, but that's how I manage these things.... that's me! I am on a twelve hour fast until tomorrow, and only allowed water until then, from 8pm tonight until 8am in the morning....think I can manage that. Shall take some fruit with me to work and eat well from now on. I may have had a scare.... it's worked. I shall from now on behave in the nutrition dept. Although I'm almost out of the woods this time, I almost feel cheated. Don't get me wrong... I don't want to be diabetic, but the stupid doctor said otherwise... so I told most of my friends, who I hope will forgive me for telling porkies, I was misled!
I would however like to thank everyone who came to my rescue, giving my much appreciated advice and courage and love. THANK YOU, you know who you all are...

First Time

As I undressed, the coldness of the room tickled my flesh-covering me in goose bumps. Once more I was naked and waiting for the pose. Sitting there, humming to myself, minding my own business, the door flew open, and this gorgeous blond wandered in;bag over her shoulder, looking very alive. My expression must have spoken a thousand words, although no words actually left my mouth via my brain kicking in! I tried to focus on her arrival without being too obvious of staring right in her line of fire. People mingled and voices rose above the chatter. I didn't quite catch her name, but became interested in her life straight away.
I think the pose was sitting down in a rather cold wooden chair, legs crossed, but my mind was else where. Every time she looked in my direction, I quickly moved my eyes else where, hoping that she wasn't aware that I was watching her, watching me! Nervously I continued to keep my view fixed on her mind blowing gaze, which had just lit up my life, I was hooked... totally!!
As the weeks passed and I continued to pose, the door continued to open, she kept my nerves bubbling for weeks. Sheer wonderful weeks. I had fallen head over heals with her, hook line and sinker. I couldn't sleep, had lost my appetite. The tea break came, a much needed hot drink to put the colour back into my skin, I was shivering! I tried to get closer but not having much knowledge about me, just the model, I kept suitable distance. Time came and went, I couldn't wait for the next week to arrive. My heart was pounding, what was I to do should she talk to me? I hoped for her to say some thing, even if it was just ' hello.' As the class drew to an end, I got dressed very quickly in the hopes that I could at least open the door for her and be acknowledged.... and my plan worked. I was all fingers and thumbs, words failing my awkward tongue, I must have sounded like some retard; but I had at least in the three weeks of seeing my new found fantasy lover, exchanged some kind of language.... supposedly English!
The time came for me the next week at art class when I found to be playing 'Prince' on the CD player we some times used, just for back ground music. I was squatting down trying to get the stupid machine to work when guess who appeared and asked what I was doing? I looked up, almost losing my balance. She had the most beautiful blue eyes I had ever seen. I was hypnotised. After that brief introduction, and that of the previous week, I just had to find out her name. 'Hi' I said... I'm Eve.... and waited with baited breath... reaching down and offering me a hand, she pulled me up to her level. ' Hello,' and she introduced herself to me, her name was Jo.
So there it was, set in stone so to speak. Later that evening we were all invited to the local pub for a drink by one of the other artists, who's birthday I think it was. I made sure I was the last to arrive so I could stand and watch... well I'd been sitting down all night and didn't fancy sitting down again. Several drinks later, I decided to go to the ladies. I was just about to get up when Jo got up too. I waltzed off in the direction of the ladies, unbeknown to me, Jo was in hot pursuit behind me. The door opened and as I came to shut it, Jo was there, in front of me, her eyes wide and staring right at ME!! 'Hi' my words failing to come out properly. Our hands touched as we both tried to open or shut the door. Time stopped. Space stopped. Our gaze met with such passion and heat, her eyes burned into mine like never before. My foot losing hold of the rough sticky carpet, she pulled me towards her and we clashed... but a planned clash. We kissed like never before kissing. Her hands were all over me, I couldn't get my breath, I ate her face off. Hands pulling, exploring, clothes removing. We were like warriors... no.... LOVERS!! She pulled me this way and that, and I fell with total abundance. Her magnetism was ten fold.
My lips stung with the sheer power of her kisses. My tongue ached for more. I pushed her against the wall, with a thud, holding her hands above her head..with little restraint, I unfastened her bra, her breasts - full and juicy, nipples erect. I took each one in turn in my mouth and sucked hard then soft, teasing her, she gave me her all. The door made a creaking noise. We stopped and she pushed me into a cubicle, where we began again ... as though it was our first time.

To be continued....

In Denial

I have taken on board what I now have to do ... to save myself! Monday I shall go to the doctor to see what exactly is! As for now, I have drank as only I know, in large amounts, drowning my sorrow, as if I have no tomorrows to live. I realise this may be stupid, but I don't yet know the outcome. I learned today that my brother is also border line diabetic... although Spiky tells me, and so does my dad that you either have it or you don't... me personally... am hoping they have made a major mistake and I am OK!! I have eaten like a Queen today, now on toffee. I have only myself to blame should my beliefs go tits up. Should I await my fate on Monday or start to react to the possible shock?
I know that wine relaxes the senses, making us see things in a different way, holding back the inevitable, come what may! Wine is my favourite liquor, although I can drink gin too, gin's mother ruin, maybe I'm a waisted space and my time is up! Forgive me for what I have I done in my life. I have made many mistakes along the way, trying to please everyone I come in contact with, trying to love my friends, some times pissing them off, along the way. I am not in any way, nor try to be perfect. I don't try to be, I just try to be me!!! And believe me....... that in it's self is hard enough!!!
I do not and never claim to be anything or anyone else.It has taken me along time to find myself, to be the woman I know now as me. I love women..... I LOVE WOMEN!! For the first time ever I can me ME!! SO..... until Monday when my life may dramatically change, I shall continue to live my life as only I know, like there's no tomorrow, for tomorrow is another day. All I ask for is forgiveness?

Faith

The past few weeks have been some what traumatic for me. I haven't been very good at handling my life, throwing myself over the edge in more ways than one!!
Today was a tough one. I had had an emergency appointment through from the hospital for an eye problem I thought I'd over come last week-when I had suffered a hemorrhage at the rear of my left eye. With the massive headaches that attached them selves to me, stress and ample amounts of worry, I headed for trouble...big time!!
I couldn't sleep last night , had lost my appetite.... all in all..... I was a mess!! BUT ... and there's always a BUT!.... There's a light at the end of the tunnel! I arrived early for my appointment, sweaty palms and thumping tension head to boot. More eye drops that stung like hell, then more drops to dilate my pupils AND more bright lights to look into my eye cavity. All of what I experienced last week, so I knew what to expect. The consultant has no idea why I had the hemorrhage, and wants me to come back in 8 weeks time for another check up, with no doubt the fabulous stinging pain numbing drops!!
However it doesn't stop there. I had some blood tests last week. The large discoloured bruise still visible on my arm, along side the puncture mark the nurse assured me would not hurt ( SHE LIED!) My next obstacle is to go to my own doctor and figure out how to eat better... as one of the blood tests reveal I am ' Border line ' DIABETIC!!!!!!! Does it get any better? So that is my life in short. I still have the headaches, more due to tension due to the eye pain- some thing to work on with some medication no doubt I will survive and wonder what all the fuss was about. My eye sight is ok, for now. I intend getting my eyes tested and buying some new glasses.

Hope

Tonight I met with my lady of the past seven months. We drank, I got drunk rapidly, spilt my heart out to her. Apparently what I said to her regarding our break up had actually made sense to her and she admitted I was right in what I had spoken to her. That kind of made me feel good, but in another way I felt bad. I am still very much in love with her, and told her so tonight. I am very much under the influence of alcohol and very much worried of my future regarding a follow up appointment at the hospital regarding my eye sight tests I had done last week. I have an emergency appointment this Wednesday at 9.30 and have to admit I am bricking it, shit, fucking scared as to what they will have to tell me! As in any situation we automatically think the worst!! I am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we kissed deeply and passionately tonight, the fire that was, is still there I think, but, and there's always a BUT!! She isn't sure, but the fact that we kissed, with tongues, our hands clenching the parts that we once had fire for, thighs, breasts .. mouths... God I so missed having her around these past few days. which feel like months to me. So every one who was concerned with my welfare, and thank you for caring, it's hit a spot in my heart that will always feel needed. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Regarding Wednesday and the hospital...... I will keep you all informed.

Broken

I have no one but myself to blame! Only I can control what happens next. I have fallen rock bottom once more. Love ? If there is such a thing? I found an inner strength last week to speak my mind and say what was really bugging me about the relationship of a tender 7 months..... I appear to have blown any chance of ever mending what I have broken. It's not like a smashed piece of pottery, I can't glue it back together... wish I could. My head has been riddled with the thoughts of cutting up , that I thought I'd got rid of.... surely If I was to slash my wrists, it would take the pain away?? 'cuz I sure as hell feel like it right now.... alcohol fueled and ready to go!!! I'm sitting here with a large kitchen knife on my lap............Extra sharp for maximum precision.
To feel the pain, to let it all go.... red sticky stuff, only I really know. Only I can control this, only I can decide how deep to go. I know that before I do perform this act of guilt and shame I will think long and hard how far to actually go, you see I am in control, I have to be don't I? If I wasn't in complete control I would've been in A&E long before now. I've always been screwed up in the head department, I gotta be, I keep falling for the wrong people. Guess being 'out' aint such a good thing after all... May be I should denounce my true identity and climb shamelessly back into the dark pit of abnormality where it's obvious that's is where I belong!!

Forgive me

There are times in our lives when we open our mouths without engaging our brains first. Over the past few days I've done just that, and lost the one woman in my life. I'm now regretting ever having said what I did and wanting her back! I don't hold out much hope either. I have felt empty, remorse, guilty, ashamed... a total cow! If I could rewind that fatal day, believe me I would. I hope and pray that she finds it in her heart to forgive me, even if we stay just friends. I am after all human.... but it doesn't alter the fact that I said some true... but very hurt full things to her, even though I was provoked. She kept telling me she had mixed feelings, when I asked her what? She would just push it aside, or give me a strange look. Both our emotions have come to boilng point of late. She had every opportunity to tell me what she was thinking, she should have sat me down and said ... look we need to sort a few things out! But she didn't and in the heat of the moment, when my heart was racing... my temper too... I said what I said... If she is reading this story then .... Please forgive my stupidity, thoughtlessness....

I don't think I can go on in my life knowing that she hates me. Hate is a strong word... I prefer to use the word dislike. I am feeling very uncomfortable at the moment. It takes a real person with feelings and emotion to admit when they are wrong... I am that said person.

She's out of my Life

October rain saw the beginning of a beautiful relationship, it blossomed into a colourful flower... with scents that fulfilled my everything in life. We laughed till we cried, I gave you my heart and now it has died! From some where we have drifted, not knowing quite how. I feel lost and alone..down and unbound. Should I ever love again, I feel it may never be, for you were the one for me... then but not now. I remember the first time we kissed... with total abandonment. The very first time we touched, the goose bumps of lust that en captured my soul. For every time I think of you, my emptiness multiplies ten fold. A walk in the country, hands in my pockets, shivering like snow flakes, melting in kisses. I think we lost each other due to circumstances beyond my control. I lie awake at night wondering where it all went wrong. How can I pick myself up... I am lost and no longer strong! The knives of resentment knock at my door, I feel wounded...abused... unloved.... !! My story was to be til the end, for me I thought that was forever. Forever is an awfully long time... I hope I will endeavour to hold on to what we had, the memories still haunt me-at night I can not sleep. I miss the touch of your skin, the sweetness of your kiss. I said my piece last night and again today, have re-read the message, my emptiness won't go away. I shall retreat into the darkness, ignore the world..try to understand...
I haven't quite got my head around all this yet. Have become numb with intense regret. I'm on the wine, tis full bodied and red... just like our life was before it became.....dead!

Bed of Roses

The night was cold, shivers running riot all over my body. I get a text from you... I question if you're alone. You reply... "yes." No sooner have I pulled up at your drive, the door opens. My eyes feast upon your half naked body, still pink blushed from the hot shower. You smile in a way that invites me to devour your flesh. I lick my lips.. smile. Locking the car. My feet hurry over your gravel drive, crunching sounds from the stones beneath my shoes. Sliding in beside you, my hands touches the silk fabric of your dressing gown. You let out a sigh of gratitude. Locking the door behind you, I pull you toward me. My hands fumble to release the tie that holds you in. Our mouths hot and hungry. We kiss like there's no tomorrow. My tongue running riot upon your lips, nibbling every inch. Inside your mind, dirty thoughts trigger a night a heated passion. From the lounge you take my hand and lead my into your bedroom. Red rose petals strune over the bed. Candles lit, flick as the draft wafts them. We stand close, my eyes cruise over your flesh. I'm hungry for you my love. Gently you sit me down on the side of the bed, open my legs and sit between them, your eyes never leaving my gaze. Placing your hands upon my thighs and pushing them apart. I run my fingers through your hair, you thrust your head back, I lick your neck, sucking hard. Brushing my hands against your breasts, your ample nipples spring to attention. Yanking at my zipper, you ease it down, as I stand with my hands on your shoulders for balance, you pull my jeans down. I kick them away. I'm not wearing any knickers!! You bury your head in my pubic hair, teasing me with that wicked look in your eyes. The chill of the night causes me to shudder, that or the fact that you've just inserted your fore finger into my hole. Falling back on the bed, you climb on top of me. We're kissing again. I reach down to play with your pussy. The aroma of your sex awakens the heat in mine. I want you so much, it hurts. As you finger fuck my cunt, your breasts seeking attention. I take each one in turn and flick them with my tongue, wet pink buds of temptation. You groan with excitement. Your shaved Venus easy access, my fingers dance with your flesh, finding that growing clit, encouraging it to grow some more. Squelching under the pressure of my fingers. Sliding one... then two.. then three fingers inside of you. The power of your rising orgasm takes hold, you roll over. We lie there on the scented bed of roses fucking each other-face to face. Me concentrating on yours'.. you on mine. We're coming... and together! Faster... faster... our hands.. soaking wet with juice, cunt juice.. faces contorted with pleasure. I start to thrash about, the bed sheets moving beneath us.
" Oh My Goddddddddd " screams ring out around the room ricocheting of the walls. Your body stiff with desire. My orgasm has subsided, I smile as you grate your groin against my hand, gripping my face with your free hand, sinking your mouth into mine, the sounds of your screams, muffled to the wetness of our lips, still moaning, your body twitching with after shocks. Moments pass and you fall into my arms, my hand still inside of you. I gently pull away. Reaching to finish what was started. No sooner had I touched myself my orgasm returned ten fold, as I too " came to you. " We lie still, our chest cavities rising and falling, our pulse slowing to a steady rate. Tingling with spent love.... I plant a kiss upon your face, your eye lids, nose and mouth. Flesh weak from the storm, I pull the duvet cover over us. Asleep we fall.