Saturday, 7 March 2009

Broken

I have no one but myself to blame! Only I can control what happens next. I have fallen rock bottom once more. Love ? If there is such a thing? I found an inner strength last week to speak my mind and say what was really bugging me about the relationship of a tender 7 months..... I appear to have blown any chance of ever mending what I have broken. It's not like a smashed piece of pottery, I can't glue it back together... wish I could. My head has been riddled with the thoughts of cutting up , that I thought I'd got rid of.... surely If I was to slash my wrists, it would take the pain away?? 'cuz I sure as hell feel like it right now.... alcohol fueled and ready to go!!! I'm sitting here with a large kitchen knife on my lap............Extra sharp for maximum precision.
To feel the pain, to let it all go.... red sticky stuff, only I really know. Only I can control this, only I can decide how deep to go. I know that before I do perform this act of guilt and shame I will think long and hard how far to actually go, you see I am in control, I have to be don't I? If I wasn't in complete control I would've been in A&E long before now. I've always been screwed up in the head department, I gotta be, I keep falling for the wrong people. Guess being 'out' aint such a good thing after all... May be I should denounce my true identity and climb shamelessly back into the dark pit of abnormality where it's obvious that's is where I belong!!

10 comments:

Loving Annie said...

Oh Indigo, honey. I am so sorry you hurt.

PLEASE don't cut yourself or physically hurt yourself in addition to the deep heartache and self-hate you are lacerating yourself with now...

It so sucks not to have things work out, to have something break that you thought was precious...

I know what it's like to keep falling for the wrong people. As one of my freinds said, "Annie, they just have different names, but it's the same guy over and over and over. You pick men who abandon you because you abandon yourself."

My huge enormous empathy to you for what you are feeling right now. (hugs and more hugs).

There is nothing abnormal about wanting to be loved, Indigo, nor anything abnormal about being so fragile your heart couldn't have shattered more. Sensitive people grieve very deeply.

Loving Annie said...

Indigo,
just checking in on you again. Please let me know how you are doing.
(hugs)

Loving Annie said...

Indigo wrote back to you as soon as I saw your comments on my blog.

Did you write one under your name and one as anonymous ?

Please let me know - and it's always better to leave your name so I don't think you're someone else and don't respond to you the right way !

I think my stat counter said you were in England... I wish I was closer and could help, but what I suggested with the suicide hotline was all I can do - except let you know, again, that my thoughts and empathy are with you. Please reach out to them and talk to them, okay ?

Tallgrass said...

Indigo, I don't know you but your words are very troubling. Pain is temporary. Don't take the easy way out. Life hurts and it is hard to grasp healing when you hurt so badly. If you need to talk, write me at ttallgrass@yahoo.com . I hope you are okay.

Indigo said...

Loving Annie~ I'm sorry if I worried you. My time since writing my last blog, has been very painful for me,my mind's full of negative thoughts for my future, however today I received news that might just have given me hope to stay put for a while. I will let you know the out come on Wednesday when I have been to see the consultant at the hospital, although my fear has just multiplied, and it is a follow up emergency appoinment, so I'm crossing my fingers that I there is nothing wrong that can't be put right.

Tallgrass said...

I hope your consultation will bring you some assurance and support.

Indigo said...

Tallrass~ thankyou

Loving Annie said...

Indigo,
Glad that you have a consultation on Wednesday. Hope it has lots of useful information for you that helps make you feel better !

Indigo said...

Loving Annie~ once again you have answered me with the faith that fills my soul and has given me a new insight into how life deals with the 'sad' people as myself, I am improving and am working things out. Thank you

Indigo said...

Tallgrass.... Thank you for giving me your time to listen. I may yet e mail you and have a long less complicated talk... but I need to get tomorrow out of the way first, every thing else I hope will fall into the right places!