Saturday, 14 March 2009

In Denial

I have taken on board what I now have to do ... to save myself! Monday I shall go to the doctor to see what exactly is! As for now, I have drank as only I know, in large amounts, drowning my sorrow, as if I have no tomorrows to live. I realise this may be stupid, but I don't yet know the outcome. I learned today that my brother is also border line diabetic... although Spiky tells me, and so does my dad that you either have it or you don't... me personally... am hoping they have made a major mistake and I am OK!! I have eaten like a Queen today, now on toffee. I have only myself to blame should my beliefs go tits up. Should I await my fate on Monday or start to react to the possible shock?
I know that wine relaxes the senses, making us see things in a different way, holding back the inevitable, come what may! Wine is my favourite liquor, although I can drink gin too, gin's mother ruin, maybe I'm a waisted space and my time is up! Forgive me for what I have I done in my life. I have made many mistakes along the way, trying to please everyone I come in contact with, trying to love my friends, some times pissing them off, along the way. I am not in any way, nor try to be perfect. I don't try to be, I just try to be me!!! And believe me....... that in it's self is hard enough!!!
I do not and never claim to be anything or anyone else.It has taken me along time to find myself, to be the woman I know now as me. I love women..... I LOVE WOMEN!! For the first time ever I can me ME!! SO..... until Monday when my life may dramatically change, I shall continue to live my life as only I know, like there's no tomorrow, for tomorrow is another day. All I ask for is forgiveness?


doll said...


I understand, it is terrible when your body lets you down and chronic diseases take so much energy to manage. But borderline diabetic suggest non-insulin dependent so there will be many alternatives for you to pursue with the treatment. You will still be YOU. You will still be desirable and you will still feel desire. It will just take a little time to find your feet with the diagnosis.

Indigo said...

doll~ Thank you your words do encourage me honest. I have always looked after myself... or so I lead myself to believe. I hope I will still be desirable and still feel desire, that is one of my main worries. I will keep you informed of the out come.

nitebyrd said...

Hun, even with diabetes, you will still be you. And don't let anyone or anything let you believe that being YOU is wrong. You're a beautiful, intelligent, creative woman who deserves happiness and love.

IF ... IF you do have diabetes, it is a disease that can be controlled. You will have to follow medical directions carefully but you will live and be the wonderful person you are.

Definitely, keep me informed on what's going on.


Indigo said...

nitebyrd~ I have eaten well again today, some fruit too. I have the shakes again, not sure if it's my mind playin tricks on me or that deep down I'm nervous about finding out! I am over whelmed with the support my lovin bloggers have shown me.. what would I do without you all? Will keep you informed, I promise.