Second chance

I now I keep barking on about running, but this is my new therapy. And I'm starting to get the hang of living again. Life's one of those things that for the most of us, try our hardest to do right. We spend a large chunk of time worrying about silly things, insignificant particles of every day life, have we done this, that right. It can get slightly boring after a while, but hey we carry on regardless. I went for a run today, no we haven't had any snow yet. I started off slowly and paced well, breathing was OK, feet were fine. So why can't every run be like today? Nope, sorry can't answer that either.. am all out of answers. I'm counting down the weeks to the run. I know for a fact that should I continue to train, fight the pain, do my best then I shall run well on the day, my adrenaline will take charge, the euphoria will be over whelming, the crowd will surge us on. I will raise megga amounts of money for this worthy cause, I will remember my best friend, I will get emotional. Live each day like it's the last, this is it, there's no rehearsal, we don't get a second chance.

Believing...

After careful thought and a lot of worrying over the years, I think I've finally figured 'it' out! It doesn't matter what people say or think, it shouldn't bother me. It used to. I used to think that any passing comment was aimed directly at me, some thing I'd done wrong or said. I've spent a lot of my life treading carefully around family and friends in particular, planning what to say , how to build a conversation, thinking ahead what they might reply, would I take offence? The answer to this is yes I'd take it to heart, get down, let it eat me away, destroying any self confidence I ever had inside of me.
Just of late I've for some miraculous reason taken exactly the opposite approach. Things are looking better, I don't give a damn any more what the general public think or say... they can go to hell for all I care, AND I'm not short of telling them that either! YEAH ... I've grown up in a sense, realised they can't help the way their tiny little minds think,. I know from the warmth that I feel inside of me that I'm OK with whatever life hurls at me. Shit happens.. it hits the fan some times, I just got to learn to duck down when it takes off. So my life in general so far is starting to take shape once more. I stray off the beaten track on occasion but this is to be expected, god... I'm only human after all... aren't I?

One step forward, two steps back.

It can get pretty lonely out on the road when I'm running. A lot of people like to run with head phones and some crazy music filling their heads. I've come to the conclusion that this can't be safe! For instance what if some one was to come up behind them and jump them, they wouldn't hear them coming. I've actually tried running with the dreaded ear phones but my ears are of some awful creation, 'spock' ears I think so what ever variety of head gear, I find they fall out, resulting in my losing my temper, having to stop re-place them and carry repeating this damn process every so many hundreds of yards... thanks, but no thanks!! I find that when I do eventually get time to go running I can put the world to rights in my head. Some times I'll just watch the country side go by. Actually it's quite amazing how much of the country side I do see when on two feet. I think more people should ditch the car and either walk, run or cycle to work. We miss so much beauty when stuck in a petrol guzzling vehicle, we had feet way before the car was invented, we're spoilt! I love running. I've always had that wicked side to me, was always interested in sports at school, running, swimming, I can recall doing hurdles on sports day in hi school, tripped and fell full length on the track, was so embarrassing, for me anyway, everybody else laughed their heads off.. typical!
Any how, as I was saying, I live and breath running now, got the bug again, just need some sunshine to help me along. I went for a run last night after work, I couldn't get my breathing sorted, felt like I was going to faint, then realising I was going to fast, slowed down, problem solved. I some times forget I'm not competing for gold. Time will sort me out. Am planning on going for another run on Friday night, assuming the snow doesn't arrive, forecast for the weekend or so the weathermen say.. best get wrapped up then. I'll have to be careful or I'll be buying 'runners world' magazine's next.
I love the cold feeling when I'm first starting out, then when I get relaxed and in running mode, I can see the road ahead, keep my eye on the traffic. These people are a law unto themselves, not only do they not see runners, or motor bikers come to that, I should know as I ride one and on many occasion have almost been knocked off. I'd hate to be on a horse!! Fucking idiots motorists!!!! Peace and tranquility are the two most important ingredients to me and I find both of these when I'm treading the high ways and by ways of the country. Long may we reign..Watch out you fuckin morons in cars...watch where you're going, it aint rocket science!!!!!!!!

Hot and wet

The shower was hot and welcoming after my muddy antics around the cross country course. Several weeks earlier I'd joined a local running team to try and increase my ability as a novice. The day of the race had arrived and I was nervous and couldn't stop going to the toilet. The voice on the loud hailer demanding everyone to get to the starting post immediately. As I ran out of the ladies I bumped into another woman who held onto my arm to steady herself as we collided.. she smiled at me in a way I've never felt before, the heat lighting up my face, I felt my face go bright red. Trying to hide my embarrassment I just smiled back at her. The weather was cold and my nipples showed this by sticking out like chapel hat pegs through my white T-shirt, rubbing on the stiff cotton fabric, I folded my arms to try and hide my predicament. Shivering but still smiling to myself, I couldn't get this woman's face out of my mind. I took one last look round as the starter gun went off so loud, I stumbled. The first lap of this muddy field eventually took us into and through a Forrest. I found the terrain very different from the hard tarmac I'd been used to training on. I had forgotten how cold it was and the sore sensation of my now limp nipples. My attempt to catch up with the front runners was beginning to fade, but I was happy that I had been accepted into the race, one of many I hope. Suddenly the ground fell away from me, my foot slipping, with a loud crack I felt my ankle snap. I screamed so loud. I fell down a ditch, snagging my shirt on a branch as I rolled down this ravine.. the pain was excruciating. I eventually came to a sudden stop, the light went out. I came round but I have no idea how long I was unconscious, my ankle still throbbin, blood trickled and now dried on my left arm, from a deep gash. I had no idea how long I'd been lying there, and then it dawned on me how the hell was I going to get back! I tried to move but I couldn't. I tried shouting for help but I was alone. It was starting to get dusk, and with no way of lighting a fire or keeping warm I started to cry. I snuggled down into the undergrowth pulling the remains of my shirt over my arms, doing my best to think positively. I closed my eyes and relived that brief moment earlier in the changing rooms, the look on that woman's face as we crashed into each other...
The more I thought about it, the more I started to feel warm but the warmth was coming from the fire between my legs. I moved my right hand, shuffled my bum forward so I could get a better angle, sliding my cold fingers down to my now wet and tingling clit ...'Mmmm' the sensation of my cold finger touching my little bud of paradise. A shudder ran down my spine as I fought off a yawn. I soon forgot about staying out in the cold. My nipples sprang to attention, yanking my ripped shirt up forcing my sports bra to one side I pinched my right tit until it became so intense I wanted to scream. Looking around, realising no one would hear me, I rubbed my clit harder and faster, my legs beginning to thrash about as the orgasm surged through my body ... 'Oh my .... god' 'Arggghhhhhhhhh.... 'yes' 'yes' 'yes'... rubbing faster, biting my bottom lip, this tidal wave of rapture tearing through my veins.... my pussy soaking wet, cold air shudders my exposed flesh, goose bumps ignite my body. Pulling my fingers from my dripping cunt, I bring them to my nose, smell my scent, taste my juices, imagine me with that woman, what she'd taste like. 'Hello' ... I could hear a voice in the distance, a car engine. 'Anyone there?' I straightened myself the best I could, wiped my hand on the grass, pulled my shorts up, tucking my breasts back into the folds of the fabric .... ' Help ' I shouted ...'I'm down here.' Suddenly as of like out of now where the woman of my dreams came running sideways down the hill towards me with a big smile on her face, and mine was one of relief that I'd been found and would soon be warm again. The journey back to the club house was slow and very bumpy. My ankle had now swelled to the size of a football. All I could think about was getting out of these dirty wet clothes and into a hot shower.
After the doctor had checked my foot, thankfully nothing broken, he strapped it up with a broad bandage. I was advised to rest for two weeks and no more running! My dream had fallen down. My recovery was a speedy one and me not being of sound mind, took it upon myself to totally ignore the doctors advice. Once I'd got the swelling down, I was soon out treading the roads building up my stamina. One fine sunny day I decided to take a run through the very Forrest where I had fallen. This time I was ready for the terrain. Soon I was up to speed, the sun in my eyes with the birds in the sky above. I couldn't believe my eyes but in the distance was a woman running towards me. As I got closer to her I suddenly realised who she was..'hello' she shouted.
'Hi' a bloody great cheesy grin on my face and that warm fuzzy feeling between my legs.
She told me she'd watched my every move the day of the race, and when she realised that I hadn't finished, then she knew I'd either got lost or had an accident. If she only know the whole story. That day will stick with me forever...
The shower was hot and welcoming after our run. We had the changing rooms to ourselves... but that's another story!

Push the limits

Weather plays a big part in running. Today was overcast. I prepared myself for my journey, planned my route. Got dressed, did my usual stretching exercises, opened the door...to find.... it's raining! Oh well here goes nothing and off I went down the road. I'd had a stressful half hour previous, trying to get the computer to play some music and my temper had got the better of me, I was shaking I was so mad! My neck hurt, I'd had heart burn for most of the morning... brilliant conditions for running in. Once I had convinced myself that I'd soon start to feel the benefits and calm down, I did just that. I can remember all those years ago when I'd drudge round the country lanes, that once I'd got my breathing sorted, my mind became relaxed and I actually enjoyed it, even though my legs hurt, my feet throbbed, I did actually get a great feeling of satisfaction out of it. I haven't been out since last Wednesday and was itching to get out there again otherwise the few days work that I had done would've been for nothing. I surprised myself today and as a result I'm planning on another big run tomorrow, wet or otherwise. Since my decision a few weeks ago to run for cancer, I'd only actually been going a short distance, building up my stamina. Today I pushed myself further. I went to the roundabout and back, which is roughly one and a half miles, my breathing eased, my bad neck recovered, I felt great. A fantastic energy boost and a feeling of total euphoria rushed through my entire body, I was shaking by the time I had returned home. OK I'm hooked now. So regardless of the weather, once I've ventured outside come rain or shine I'm buzzing. Each day I will push the limits until I know no boundaries. My legs still ache, but it's a good ache, my appetite has grown also.

Grin and wear it.

OK so I'm thinking of doing fancy dress for the sponsored run.. any suggestions? I've worn some weird and wonderful outfits in my life, I like to be seen and at 6' tall I've got a good head start! I remember for the London marathon I had a peek cap on my head with a union flag sticking out of it. If I recall the start of the big event, almost every other runner had a flag of one kind or another, some as big as Big Ben protruding from their heads, so my pathetic attempt at being seen on national television kind of failed, ever so slightly, but there was over 29,000 taking part! I did at one drink station almost get crushed by two Rhinos, men in Rhino outfits, weighing some incredible weight. So I'm thinking bright colours, I mean I'd love to go dressed as a rainbow in all those glorious colours.. or maybe go as a clown? I'm hoping you people will be able to give me some ideas as to what to wear. It can't be to cumbersome other wise I'll have trouble getting the costume to the starting post and I want to run as fast as I can, make a good time.. and before any one suggests it, I won't be running in my birthday suit either!! In my dreams may be, I don't want to get arrested. Some of you are probably wondering why I'd want to go in fancy dress? My answer is 'why not!' it's for a worthy cause, I like to be centre of attention, what a talking point!

No Pain no gain.

Well, the weather has taken a turn for the worst. Gale force winds have been battering the coast line and other parts of the country for the past few days, not to mention the severe rain, tidal waves too. Not the kind of conditions to be running in but beggars can't be choosers, as they say ( who ever 'they' are?). I do the usual stretches before I go out, take one final glance at my watch and venture out into the unknown. The first time I went out on Sunday just gone, my lungs absolutely caned. I knew this would happen as I used to an athlete twelve years ago, running on a regular basis. I also know that what I'm aiming to achieve will not happen over night. Rome was not built in a day ( took all of a week to build!) Yeah right Lol. What I have noticed is that my appetite has grown, wanting more carbs to boost my energy levels. I can recall how fit I was twelve years ago and how heavy I weighed, 11.5 stone but it was mostly muscle. But with fitness comes injuries, the body becomes so finely tuned, demanding regimes.. and I look at myself at the present moment in time and just laugh...BUT with care and attention given to detail, regular running, building my strength up, I will return to the woman I was all those years ago, maybe not as toned but it's coming, I can feel it in my bones, or is that just the feeling of being totally knackered?.. I think not. Watch this space people, and I'll continue to put in the hard work, come what may the weather conditions. I will deliver, I will continue to get money for this just cause... and as the saying goes...'no pain.. no gain.'

Easy does it...

I went out for a test run today, in readiness for my sponsored run in May. Twelve years ago I wouldn't have been so nervous, it was a daily routine to go for a run. I used to do about 40 miles a week and every other weekend I'd plan a long run in the car, roughly about 15 miles then run it on the Sunday. Eventually after six months of training I ran the marathon of my dreams... in London. Today however is a different story..after several stretches and wearing my brand new Nike trainers, I ventured outside. I didn't go too far, just about half a mile and back. The idea is to get my body back into thinking it's fitter than I know it actually is, to fool the brain, I hope. I shall get fit for this memorable event, to raise cash for Cancer. I've given it a capital letter because it's a formidable disease. That has claimed several members of my family and my best friend, who I shall be running for on the day. I shall give it my all, run with the knowledge that it can take any of us at any time. I shall give it 110% attention. So this is for everyone. To be honest with you I actually have to admit I miss running. I gave it up after the London Marathon due to major surgery on my foot. I'm coming out of retirement, sounds like I'm past it already, I'm not, of that I can assure you. So I'll keep you all posted with the progress of my running regime, injuries? I hope not.

She's out of my life.

She's out of my life, time to forget,

I roll over but she's no longer in my bed.

The scent of fresh cotton, linen to sleep

waking up in the morning, no lover to keep.

Anger and pain, of losing some one, just

goes to show, that how ever hard we try

Love won't stay forever, eventually it dies.

Love at first sight

The darkness lifted when you entered the room.

I witnessed your every move, slick and smooth.

My eyes wide, my mouth..dry.. my heart skipped

as you collected your thoughts and scanned the room.

I looked away all fingers and thumbs, stumbling to find

what to say, nervous, excited, my nipples erect.

My legs felt heavy, Needing to speak, nothing to say.

Your gorgeous blue eyes and your golden hair. You

must be an angel in disguise...

The music rocks silently, my ears pricked for your voice

You take your place, I watch your face, your concentrating

so hard, I look away not wanting to be seen, wanting

to be seen. Thundering, pounding like waves crashing

pulse racing, I'm in love. I am here and you are there

Time for tea, time to relax, lying upside down on my back.

Limbs all numb, pins and kneedles in my bum..

God I'm hot, you are there and I..am here, wanting to speak

full of fear, all fingers and thumbs.

I catch a glimpse of your eyes, bright and lush, I want

to kiss your mouth, hold you tight, make all this feel right.

Make love to you, lie next to you, feel the heat upon our flesh.

Embrace you, touch you, feel the heat between your legs.

Hold you for all eternity... time to go. I watch as you

collect your stuff, make for the door, I'm still stretched

flat out on the floor, muscles cramped, I wave goodbye, too

late you're gone. My heart sinks, as I return to my feet

the door swings open, you'd forgotten your coat, you smile

at me, my expression must have spoken a thousand words,

you say goodbye and I'm sold.

Can't sleep, can't eat I'm in love. Can't wait for next week.

Bitter sweet

Rain clouds stir the sky.

The bitter sweet taste of summer nights.

Wading through fields of gold...

holding hands just you and I.

The humidity clings to our skin.

The ground below is scorched and dry.

Birds fall silent, the storm is coming.

Thunderous symphonies fill the air,

take shelter beneath the tree, old

from age, her branches like fingers,

they blow in the breeze.

Bitter sweet, these hot humid nights.

Flesh shimmering with lovers delight.

I hold you there, beneath the tree

brush my fingers through your hair...

trace the outline of your lips,

tease you.. pull you in.

A shiver runs down your spine,

the chill settles as the sun goes down.

I smile at you..you pull me in.

Distant thunder fades into the night.

The air is cooler and so am I..I

hold you close, we kiss..

Oh such succulent sighs.

The sound of bitter sweet nights.

Self awareness

A few weeks ago I mentioned about giving up with this self hate regime. Trying to find myself, change the way I think, how I feel, emotionally and spiritually. The days go by slowly and each new morning brings with it new challenges. I embrace each one with as much calm as I can cope with. I some times think I need therapy to help me curb my temper, although I do try to do this myself. But this isn't always easy. I went to see a therapist some years ago. That was a complete waste of time too. I remember the day as though it was yesterday. I got there all riled up and nervous. The 'female' was OK to begin with but I didn't feel comfortable in my new strange surroundings..out of my 'comfort' zone. After the initial introduction of who she was and why I was there, I felt like I was on a white knuckle ride at the fair ground. I pulled away from reality, started to sweat, my throat became dry. I felt she was criticising me, judging me for who I was and why I was there. I remember telling her what she wanted to hear. That was the first nail in my coffin and it went down hill from that moment on. So I'm never going back to a therapist as long as I remain breathing! I'm exhausted from being in this shit place of the 'Abyss.'
I've been there so long, I'd forgotten the world that I was born into. The colours of the rainbow, the smell of freshly cut grass, the taste of hot bread.. the list is endless. One day a newly found friend threw me a life line. A reassuring voice telling me that I don't belong in there. A ladder out of that dark hole, and I suddenly realised that there is life after all. It hasn't been an easy ride. I'm starting to see daylight once more. My senses have returned. My temper's in its cooling off stage. When I get angry now I try very hard to understand why it's happened.. that may sound stupid but for me it's almost normality. And on the odd occasion I find myself hitting out, I aim for softer areas, some thing to cushion the blow.