Wednesday, 5 March 2008

Self awareness

A few weeks ago I mentioned about giving up with this self hate regime. Trying to find myself, change the way I think, how I feel, emotionally and spiritually. The days go by slowly and each new morning brings with it new challenges. I embrace each one with as much calm as I can cope with. I some times think I need therapy to help me curb my temper, although I do try to do this myself. But this isn't always easy. I went to see a therapist some years ago. That was a complete waste of time too. I remember the day as though it was yesterday. I got there all riled up and nervous. The 'female' was OK to begin with but I didn't feel comfortable in my new strange surroundings..out of my 'comfort' zone. After the initial introduction of who she was and why I was there, I felt like I was on a white knuckle ride at the fair ground. I pulled away from reality, started to sweat, my throat became dry. I felt she was criticising me, judging me for who I was and why I was there. I remember telling her what she wanted to hear. That was the first nail in my coffin and it went down hill from that moment on. So I'm never going back to a therapist as long as I remain breathing! I'm exhausted from being in this shit place of the 'Abyss.'
I've been there so long, I'd forgotten the world that I was born into. The colours of the rainbow, the smell of freshly cut grass, the taste of hot bread.. the list is endless. One day a newly found friend threw me a life line. A reassuring voice telling me that I don't belong in there. A ladder out of that dark hole, and I suddenly realised that there is life after all. It hasn't been an easy ride. I'm starting to see daylight once more. My senses have returned. My temper's in its cooling off stage. When I get angry now I try very hard to understand why it's happened.. that may sound stupid but for me it's almost normality. And on the odd occasion I find myself hitting out, I aim for softer areas, some thing to cushion the blow.

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