Fuck it.

Turn here... 10 years down the line.
The world should now be my oyster.
I smile.. the sun captures my
inwardly shy sincerity for
a while.. clouds gather..
turmoil, like the heat of
a Volcano's fire. I am
lost again, no more smiles.
Have I?
Did I ?
Should I? Back track or
carry on regardless?!
Questions, questions, questions.
I muddle on.. doing my daily
chores. Smile, make some times
awkward conversation, fingers
blindly crossed behind.
I imagine myself standing
on the edge of a high
building. Do I stay a while,
continue to smile, let people
think it's OK, I'm fine?
Should I fall-not jump.
Jumping is the Grand Finale-
to fall wouldn't be seen as
deliberate. To fall would
be simply a stumble-tumble-
like toddlers do when they
run before they walk!
I dreampt once I could
fly.. in a turbulent
wind, level with the
street lights..completely
free, no ties. Is it...?
Am I..? ready to die?
Am I a cheap skate?
chicken or yellow?
As time trickles by
my mind will become
full of anger.. brushed
aside. Naggin at the
back of my brain
like the gate that
couldn't shut..
Bang! Bang! Bang!
Trigger, click, dead.

Now I am feeling better
for getting this confusion
of my chest.. I have not
the balls to kill myself..
well not just yet. So
please do not panic,
although I may be manic.
Depression will shortly
disappear. Once again
please.. don't worry.
Have no fear, I will
be here yet for many
years. I am venting
my kept body, for so
long I have felt
shoddy. Yeah the poem's
coming to an end.Hope-
fully I will soon be
on the mend. Thank you
for helping, but my
journey's just begun.
No I do not own or
possess any guns.
I only have these
panic attacks
when my hormone
levels plumit.
'Arghhhhhhhhhhh'
here I go again.
'Fuck it!'