Thursday, 22 April 2010

Fuck it.

Turn here... 10 years down the line.
The world should now be my oyster.
I smile.. the sun captures my
inwardly shy sincerity for
a while.. clouds gather..
turmoil, like the heat of
a Volcano's fire. I am
lost again, no more smiles.
Have I?
Did I ?
Should I? Back track or
carry on regardless?!
Questions, questions, questions.
I muddle on.. doing my daily
chores. Smile, make some times
awkward conversation, fingers
blindly crossed behind.
I imagine myself standing
on the edge of a high
building. Do I stay a while,
continue to smile, let people
think it's OK, I'm fine?
Should I fall-not jump.
Jumping is the Grand Finale-
to fall wouldn't be seen as
deliberate. To fall would
be simply a stumble-tumble-
like toddlers do when they
run before they walk!
I dreampt once I could
fly.. in a turbulent
wind, level with the
street lights..completely
free, no ties. Is it...?
Am I..? ready to die?
Am I a cheap skate?
chicken or yellow?
As time trickles by
my mind will become
full of anger.. brushed
aside. Naggin at the
back of my brain
like the gate that
couldn't shut..
Bang! Bang! Bang!
Trigger, click, dead.

Now I am feeling better
for getting this confusion
of my chest.. I have not
the balls to kill myself..
well not just yet. So
please do not panic,
although I may be manic.
Depression will shortly
disappear. Once again
please.. don't worry.
Have no fear, I will
be here yet for many
years. I am venting
my kept body, for so
long I have felt
shoddy. Yeah the poem's
coming to an end.Hope-
fully I will soon be
on the mend. Thank you
for helping, but my
journey's just begun.
No I do not own or
possess any guns.
I only have these
panic attacks
when my hormone
levels plumit.
here I go again.
'Fuck it!'


xl said...


Please talk to your healthcare provider. There is help available.

Take care. :)

Indigo said...

xl ~ sure, so they can have me put in a straight jacket and carted off to the funny farm? Yeah sure.. I'll make an appointment next week. I practically live there at the moment.. I live on medication for this n that.. maybe ..OK I will think about it, hows that?


& Thanks ;)

The Savage said...

Hugs, kisses and wine!

Spiky Zora Jones said...

hiiii baby. You're going to be just fine. sweetie, if you feel you need help...please seek it.

I need you in my world. This place is a better place because of you.

You know I love you sweetie...we all do.

Indigo said...

Savy ~ you said the magic word ..'WIIIIINE!' thankm you my friend but I need mucho plenty, do you have enough?


Indigo said...

Spiky ~ I think I my have gone a step too far with this one.. maybe I should have left the old me many years ago... but never tried to find the true me... fuck it, I truly gve in. Got me a bottle wine for later, some headache pills for hangover tomorrow. Thanks babe and I love you my lovely.. not sure about th elp just yet, need time for my idea to sink into my very dence brain, may take a while'



nitebyrd said...

I'm glad this has passed. It has, hasn't it, my beautiful Indi?

Indi said...

nitebyrd ~ I think I have survived the storm, a freaky time I have endured.. I though I was going crazy.. but alas I've always been slightly out of date with my feelings. I suppose as we humans digest events, we find new venues along the way.. life can and is scary but with that becomes strengths accompanied with new visions (no I'm not halusinationg) Lol thanks hun, I'm back on track.. have ditched the bitch..I still have to see her image of my tit on your blog and others but Spiky has removed hers for me, that is why I'm raising money for her charity cancer.. hope yo understand where I'm coming from. Much love