Wednesday, 21 April 2010

Identity

I've always had a problem
with who is the 'real' me.
First I told the world I
was Bi-sexual, but I soon
realised this wasn't to be.
So then I came out as 'Gay'
with the feeling this was
the real deal.. I didn't
get a medal or an approved
seal. I dress more like
a man, don't feel comfortable
in a dress, have the body
language to suit. I even have
my Dad's mannerisms. The
words my mum always told me
'you should've been a man.'
Confused.. I sure as fuckin
hell am!!!!!!!!
But today.. I found the
answer, like a bolt out
of the blue, this is it.
I've come to the conclusion,
puzzled no longer am I.
I'm a Gay man in a woman's
body, skin and bone too.
So the question now is,
is there more like me?
Or am I the only one?
I know what you're
thinking and to be
honest I don't really
give a fuck. It's
what's in my heart
that counts, my brain's
already screwed.
So no I still don't
know who I am or where
to go. Therapy might
be a start.. I guess
I really do not know.
Happy is what I thought I was.
Elated now I should be.
Loving is my aim,
Paralysed by not knowing..
this is killing me,.
I feel suspended in time,
another sphere unknown to life.
I have two children, a husband
for god's sake I'm a wife!
Am I in a nightmare,
will I suddenly wake
up in a sweat? Jesus Christ
I think I'm losing it.
So my next question is
'What do I do next?'

22 comments:

JStar said...

This was written soo heart felt...I say in the end, do whats best for YOU! If you arent happy where you are, change it...I know it may hurt others, but YOU have to be happy with yourself...

Debbie said...

Seems like you are certainly making progress by your honest evaluation of yourself and coming to some conclusions. And I agree that it doesn't matter what another single person thinks - as long as you are true to yourself.

Crystal Girl said...

I agree with JStar and Debbie. I'm sure it difficult, with having kids and a husband. I sure that's alot of what's weighing you down. At some point in our lives (u and me being at our ages) we need to take a good long look inside and go with what's best for yourself. I know and u know we've (moms,wife) always r putting everyone else in the front. So, I say it's all about you!!!! Do it for you!!! Make you happy!!! I know you can!!!

XO, Crytal

xl said...

Based on what you write here and your comments here and there, I think you are kind and sensible. I think that is a very good start.

Storey said...

Indigo,

There are many more like you. I happen to know several and see them on a regular basis. Some are undergoing the process of becoming a man (even without the physical sex changes) and like to be referred to as "he" and they often describe themselves as "boi" though i dont know if this term applies just to lesbians. My point is, you are not alone. your post is very heartfelt. Its not always an easy road discovering who you are. You have to be comfortable in your own skin. I hope that this is leading you to a path where you will be. Many hugs!!

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Hi honey. I don't know how I can help you but storey seems to be a great choice to talk with. There is always a place to start.

you have lots of support here in your blog with wonderful readers.

you know my heart is with you in what ever you decide to do. I'm with you in mind and spirit.

xxx

Indigo said...

JStar ~ I wrote that poem with feeling being first hand, having summed it all up now and re-read it I have most certainly realised that I have for many years struggled to find me... I always knew who I was when I was a child, safe untouched.. happy? Ican't answer that one. So I have a lot of serious deep down thinkin to get through, see what I come up with, thank you.

Indi

x

Indigo said...

Debbie ~ I think I've accomplished the first hurdle. Thank you for dropping by

Indi

xx

Indigo said...

Crystal ~ Being who we (I) am isn't alwys easy. I didn't set the hurdles, but so far I appear to have got past the first one. Thank you for being there


Indi

xx

Indigo said...

xl ~ it isn't until I read other folk's comment do I suddenly realise how much of me the actually see. I'm glad you like what you have seen so far. Thank you


Indi

xx

Indigo said...

Storey ~ really? That must take a huge effort to go that far.. I'm not getting cold feet but I'm not sure what my next step is right now. Thank you so much for this, I now know I'm on the new road and my journey could get rather interesting with some sea sickness along the way.

Indi


xx

Indigo said...

Spiky ~ THANK YOU ;). I have a one way ticket and I intend using it very wisely. Thank you to every one... As MJackson sang 'you are not alone'

Indi

xxxx

Storey said...

Indigo,

Everyone's road is different. Whats right for some is not right for all. Take it slow and enjoy discovering who you are. I'm glad you feel like you're on the right path though. :)
xoxo!

Crystal Girl said...

Any time sweet! Just talk to me, or any of these great folks here.

XOXO, Crystal

BamaTrav said...

I didn't know you were married. I have been hitting on a married woman??? Me, never, lol.

The Savage said...

Whatever you end up being and whoever you are you will always have a friend in me, your Savy....

Indigo said...

Crystal Girl ~ That's the only problem is talking! At work they say I never shut up, but when I do they worry I'm not OK. Thank you SO much..*sigh of releif*

Indi

xxXX

Indigo said...

BT ~ 27 years this year! NO I'm not that old Lol I got married when I was 22(a mere spring chicken)
There's nothing wrong with a wedding band on their finger, but tread carefully and enjoy the hitting.

Indi

xx

Indigo said...

Savy ~ Thank you ((((MWUAH))))))


Indi

xxx

Indigo said...

Storey ~ better get my sat nav out now... thank you for giving me the OK to trsvel.


Indi

PS I need this so much.

XX

xl said...

PS: "am I the only one?"

Surely not! Perhaps contact a local GLBT advocacy group.

Indigo said...

xl ~ good idea thanks

Indi