Time Out

'Hey' my fellow blogger friends, it's time for me to really have a rest. I know I said last time that I was taking time out and it lasted all of one day, but this time I really mean it. My batteries are low although my heart is fully restored. I'm not going on holiday as yet, I won't actually be leaving the planet either, I just want to regain my strength, it's been a shitty week at home, at work and in my head! But my head is straight now, my thoughts are as they should be... looking forward to getting my life back on track, going out and enjoying life again. Have got a delicious bottle of red wine waiting for me to devour... ( mouth is salivating as I type!) Tomorrow night is going to be an early one, as Friday's are a 6a.m start. Weather permitting I shall be out on 'Black Thunder' at the weekend. I can quite get used to this mild weather, but it always appears to disappear come the two days I'm not working. But hey, I'll cope! So don't think I've abandoned you on blog land cyberspace... I will be back, hopefully with some new stuff to wet your appetites.

Pheonix Rising

I have come to the conclusion that some issues that I've had of late have weighed me down. I have done some soul searching and with a letter written and sent, I have managed to de-clog my head of these worrying thoughts that have eaten away at my soul. Now some times we get to the point of no return, we assume that this is is how it is... because we've moulded ourselves into thinking there isn't an answer or of there is, where the fuck is it? I think I've found the answer to that one. It wasn't easy and I still think I've possibly done it the wrong way, but it's done now, the more I think about what I said and how I worded it, I've got it clear in my mind that I was OK to do it like I did...(hope I'm making sense?) But as I've said, I'm one step closer to being 'ME' again, taking a different approach to life, enjoying that new approach..... in general going out there and finding some one to love me. I have a vacancy now. my ad goes some thing like this: One lady owner, strong of heart, easy loving, kind, generous, patient, understanding, adorable! I don't expect the phone to start ringing just yet, but I shall place the ad in a couple of worthy mags and see what happens. I have all the time in the world, I'm not going to rush into anything just yet, I've just got 'closure' from a relationship that happened some years ago. Yeah.. it's taken me this long .... but now I've completed full circle, the world is my oyster. I will rise from the ashes, I am a new born Phoenix and shall rise again. Watch this space.....

Award Time !

You're a great read. Apparently I am! And Jackie Adshead has awarded me this prestigious award. So to follow the rules of this award ceremony I have to list ten things I do every day, and past this award on to ten other great people.
1. Get out of bed
2. Pull back the curtains and plan my new day.
3. Wonder who I'm going to annoy to day.
4. Check my E mails before I go to work.
5. Think about getting my poems published
( I constantly think about this )
6. Listen to some Pink on my car cd player,
this normally wakes me up.
7. Smile at every one at work, say please
and thank you whenever I can...
( good little girl eh?).....NOT!!
8. Help whoever needs my assistance
9. Flirt with all the women, one in
particular..
10. Have a large glass of red wine with my dinner... or maybe two !

I would like to pass this beautiful Award on to ten other lucky bloggers, but before I do I'd like to thank Jackie for giving me this amazin award, and for believing in me.

The ten lucky bloggers are:- Spikyzorajones - Jackie Adshead - UBERMOUTH - Enigma - Scarlet - Nitebyrd - Casdok - Compulsively Yours - Racy Redhead - Shadow. Enjoy people

Lost

Once we were three,
then we became two...
now I am one.
Love hurts, I do...
Pain can take away
so many things, but
it can't replace the want.
The heat of the night,
your touch, you're out
of my sight, out of my
reach, we are no more.
Time was meant to heal,
but I'm still waiting.
To steal your kiss to need
your touch, god I loved
you so much, but that was
then and this is now, so
tell me...... how? How did
it come to this, how did
we lose it all, for who....
you? Me? I'm out of
ideas. You left me.
I had no choice.
I'm lost in this fog
I have no want to
carry on. Nothing
has a meaning, the
warmth has died,
and with it ..... me.
All that I had I gave to
you, all that I loved was
you. I don't make sense
anymore, I can't, I've tried
like I said before.......
I've died, my soul is empty,
my need has gone, I don't
love you anymore...........
I can't.

Damaged

I've been feeling out of sorts just of late. I don't really want to discuss it just yet because I have to discuss it with some one else first. This problem I have has been eating away at my soul for some time now. Time being of a length of months that could possibly have run into years without me actually realising it. Some thing that I've tried to brush under the carpet thinking it'd go away or I was imagining it. Is my mind so full of hurt that I've got the two confused? I have several issues that each time I think about how I'm going to execute them, I get wound up and even more so angry. I need to down load this unhappy emotion otherwise it'll make me one sad lady who will worry the rest of her life, and I'm not about to waist any of that on anyone. But it's not as easy as that, it never is! I need to write a letter, a hand written letter , explaining how it's come to be this way. For once in my life I know I can do this, I have to be strong, I am in control. Like I said I can't give to much away until I've written the letter. I wouldn't normally write this kind of a post but I'm looking for constructive advice.. of which I know I'll get of my friends out there in cyberspace. I have a very good friend at work who sends me advice via E mail, she chats with me at work, she's putting me on the right track...... but her job is counselor. It's always good to have some one out side of the situation who can take a fresh look, without taking sides. Some years ago I went to see a counselor who wound me up so much I snapped, she was found later to be 'not' doing her job and she was sacked, I never went back for round two after that, but my friend has to deal with real fucked up people, the kind behind bars, so my problems are superficial in comparison, but not for me. I need to sort this out, for my state of mind. Now it might go smoothly but it might also go 'tits' up so I have to prepare myself for the inevitable, but I hope that doesn't happen, it'd be a shame if it did happen. I shall have to see. Write from the heart as that is where this all started from.

Want

As I stand before you, you lay your hand upon me. I feel your warmth, I hear your need. Pull away my hair from my face, wipe away my tears from my skin. Remove my trousers with you teeth, I have this urgency to cum, I have this want to be..
Pull yourself closer to me, let me wrap my love around your soul. My hand meets yours, I guide you below my existence, to my dripping hole that so urgently requires your touch. We kiss, our lips are damp, my legs shake. Pulling at your shirt, buttons flying off at all angles. Push me aside, lean upon my shoulder, let me take your weight. You're light in comparison, your skin is fair, your touch is..........
Your heat brings life to my pussie. Each gentle stroke of your hand, each gentle touch of your face, we dance in silence, the music of the gods is on our side. And you with all that you give, all that you hear, with all that I see. The foundation of which our love stands erect, my orgasm is building. I hold you tight, you feel what I feel, your pace quickens, and I ........ 'my goddddddddd.'
We are. I am. You hear and I see all. We are the future.

Painless

I arrived at the hospital at 1.45pm. My appointment wasn't until 2 so I thought I'd get there early. The waiting room was full of at least three patients. I sat, I pondered, I checked the walls covered in 'things to do before a scan' posters. My name was called and I trundled in after a short plump woman into the scan room. I was asked to remove my ear stud and any jewellery from the neck up. I climbed onto the long table and my head was strapped into place, I was praying I didn't have a sneezing fit. I laid my eyes open and stared up at the ceiling she lay across me a heavy blue blanket made of rubber and lead, to blank out the x rays that were about to flood my head. The round machine resembled a large polo mint, I was positioned into the machine. I was amazed at how quick the whole process was. Less than 4 minutes and I was done to a crisp! I stayed calm throughout, I have nothing to worry about, although I did have a headache shortly after leaving the building. I still have a headache, but I have been coughing my head off all day, the left overs of this bloody cold virus I've had for the past two weeks, I'm getting pretty fed up with it now. After about half an hour I'd replaced my ear stud, I was home by 2.30 and ready for the onslaught at the local super market. I will however have to wait until I see the eye specialist in December to get the results of today, but like I said before, I have nothing to worry about, why worry ? I'd be wasting energy, energy I might need should they find any thing wrong, but I'l cross that bridge when I get to it. Don't worry ..be happy!

Blue Eyes

Back in March I had some visual defects in my left eye. I used to suffer from migraines years prior to this, but having cut out chocolate, cheese and coffee my severe heads traumas have ceased. Any how.. after my disturbance in the kitchen at home, I blinked a few times and was surprised when it hadn't gone. A quick trip to the doctor the next day, he got me an appointment at the hospital the very next day, as he too was rather concerned. This all started off a sequence of weekly trips to the hospital for eye checks and a procedure which after the first dose, put me off wanting to go again. A few drops into 'both' eyes which dilate the pupils. This helping the specialist to see into the back of both eyes for any abnormalities. This is where they discovered a hemorrhage had taken place behind my left eye. I have had several of these examinations, with the awful drops, with numerous bright lights shone in the eyes, some thing which I hate as I have light sensitive eyes to start with., but they have to do this to find out what caused the defect in the first place. Over the months I've had quite a few blood tests also, on one occasion it came back border line diabetic, but my own doctor proved this not to be so. My eye specialist at the hospital informed me that a woman of my age shouldn't be having hemorrhages at the back of my eyes, so tomorrow I'm having a CT scan to try and define why this happened. It will take them all of twenty minutes and hopefully they won't find any thing wrong! I say this because I'd hate to find out that I' have got some thing wrong with my eyes/head/vision! But like any other procedure, I won't get the results straight away... I will have to go back some time later to hear the results, but I'm not worried or in the slightest bit scared, what's the point.. why worry about some thing that might not be! If it's bad news then I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. So this is the latest so far in my health... I'm happy, I'm OK.

Red Head

For some time now I've had my eyes on this woman at work. I find myself watching her when she doesn't know it. I found myself losing sleep over her, dreaming about her. Going a different way to the next building so I might just catch a glimpse of her, and when she's appear from out of the blue... I'd stutter like a complete idiot of something sensible to say to her. That was then and this is now. We're good friends, but she still has that 'special some thing' about her. She's a true red head and has amazing green eyes, and a wicked sense of humour, I still flirt with her and as far as I know she flirts with me. I still go out of my way to see her and make conversation, and nine times out of ten she's up for a good laugh. I still find myself staring at her through the glass when I know for a fact that she can't see me, I still dream about her and me doing the 'lurve' thang! Some days she waits for me in the car park in the morning if I'm there, we walk to the front door chatting pretty much about anything in life. Once I left her a candy bar on her car windscreen but I think the wind blew it off because when I came back it was near my car door all mangled up half out of its' wrapper. I said nothing about it but I guess she knew it was me all along. I'm never going to get anywhere else with her and for one reason I'm not too sure about, I think it's great that we're just good friends and we can be ourselves around each other, I've come to realise that friends are good to have, old and new. Her name is Bev, she's a couple of years ahead of me and a few pounds heavier, but I like her A LOT!! But you never know in this world do you? I don't know if she knows I'm gay, but if she did know, I doubt very much she's have a problem with it, she's not that kind of woman.. to be homophobic I mean.... unless she's gay? I'm barking up the wrong tree now, but I'll keep you posted for sure.

Thank you

This is my way of saying THANK YOU to my fellow bloggers who have helped me in the past few months to get myself back on track, handed , with love, and with great detail... affection, a shoulder to cry on. As we live in 'cyber' space as nitebyrd put it.. here for one another..so I would like to pass this warm pink heart, filled with much appreciation and love back to you all... in particular I would like to say hello to..

1. Nitebyrd

2. SpikyZoraJones

3. Jackie Adshead

4. Ubermouth

5. Dulce

Award...

Today I received a lovely award from Dulce.. she is a wonderful blogger, and I am so honoured to have been given it. Thank you so much, this is beautiful. It's always lovely to receive an award. I haven't been writing my usual stuff of late, because my heart's not in the right frame of mind, a minor 'blip' and I'm sure once I get my self sorted, my minor blip will leave home and my ability to keep my bloggers sitting there with their hands down their trousers amusing themselves whilst reading my slutty erotic stories and poems, will soon return.

Goodbyes

I never looked behind me
when you said all your
goodbyes, but I'm still wiping
away the tears that stung my
eyes, the misty sunsets, the
heat upon our flesh, I blink
and there it is, still fresh in my
mind. I run my fingers through
my hair, close my eyes and
wish that you were still there.
Lie naked in clean cotton sheets.
my nipples..hard, my heart...
weak. Can you feel where you
used to lie... I can taste you-beside,
I fight with the pillows, hold them
to my face, I can smell your
perfume....there's just a trace.
They say that time is a healer..
but I don't really know.. it's been
only a week now. Your photo lies
upside down on the shelf...
should I move it, I can't bring
myself. Maybe it's too early yet.
I'm still in the 'God I don't know
what to do stage.' Some days I just
sit and cry.... others I'm full of rage.
I can't make any plans, I don't want
to move on, I'm OK sitting here..here
where we used to hold hands. Used
do a lot of things, used to do's, don't
happen any more. The day you left
me, you broke my heart.

One Vision

Reach out.
Reach out and touch me,
I can feel your pain..
I can feel your sorrow,
let me share.....
all your tomorrows.
Let me hold your heart
in the palm of my hand.
We can do this...
you just have to try.
Try to understand,
from my side of you eyes
how much I love you,
how much I've cried.
I'm doing my best, it's
hard but I'm getting
there. Time is all I have,
I want to spend it all
with you. There's no
where else I want to be.
To wake up beside you,
to kiss you in the rain...
I want to take you in my
arms, never looking back.
Our future holds so many
memories, we have to do
this, it's our destiny.
Come hold me, come kiss
me in the rain. Let me be
your end, until the stars
go out, until the world is
no more, I am here for
you, don't ever forget.

Drowning

The words only appear to flow when I've opened a bottle red wine. So I ask myself... can I only write when I am drunk? I feel like I'm drowning. I keep coming up for air... take a gasp, then sink! Tonight I started to cry... I can't remember the last time I actually cried. It's meant to be a release isn't it? To feel what I'm feeling right now, I can't describe. I feel like smashing this glass and attacking my veins with it, pretty in red! I now I said I'd be away for a while, but I have to write some thing every day, today not being my best day. I thought about writing a poem, but I wouldn't want to depress my audience any more, god you must really get bored of me wining on about how shit my feelings are, how depressed I feel, sorry................. I can't visualise, I can't even see the fucking computer screen right now......my eyes are all bleary! I always seem to hide my feelings. We don't cry out loud, keep it inside, learn how to hide our feelings. We don't cry out loud-words by Elkie Brooks! I look at people and think they look good, they must feel so confident with the way they present themselves, I catch my reflection in a shop window and wonder who the fuck's lookin at me. Yeah. that sad lookin bitch, that's who it is..ME!! I don't wish to worry any of you,I'm slightly depressed at the moment..I'm just venting anger. Anger for what I haven't got the faintes..t, idea. Sorry I'm crying again. Why the fuck do I write this shit? I have so many questions about 'who' I am. I'm GAY for god's sake. Yeah but listen to this, 'cuz I feel I'm a cheat. My story so far. I got married to a wonderful man 26 years ago, I have two siblings. They are great and the daughter is 23, a fully qualified Lawyer, my son is a fully qualified Joiner. I came out as Bi-sexual just before I actually realised I was GAY! I have all this guilt, but at the same time I have a wonderful husband who adores me ,my best friend, father of our two wonderful intelligent children... but I'm GAY!! Bisexual was a title I gave myself because I thought I'd be excepted, but I felt I was cheating myself. My husband knows I love women, he's aware I had a 5 n half year relationship with this awesome woman, who one day destroyed my life.. told me it was over. I came so close to jumpin in front of a train that day. SHIT ! SHIT! SHIT!...... I know I could never leave him, but how am I to find a woman who is happy with me? Any one got the tissues? I want to get really angry, hurt from the outside 'cuz it's killing me on the fuckin inside. I need another drink... a cigarette would be nice. I think my major problem is I'm scared of screwing up. But I don't think I'll ever feel safe from me.. All this lovely flesh, the excuses I think of when I decide to produce some well executed cuts YEAH YEAH YEAH I hear you all, takin a deep breath remember I don't have the fuckin bottle to do any harm, but ya never fuckin know, that's the worryin part, aint it? I'm fed up of apologising for my chosen words, I'm gettin it off my chest. "ARGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHH "..... I will read this tomorrow when I am sober and regress into the bottomless pit from where I came from. I so desperately want to not be here in this shitty hole, I've been here before, and from what can remember, it wasn't exactly the 'Ritz' then. 'Oh shit she's off again!'

Calmer Waters

Just to let you all know that after my heart wrenching story 'Instruments of destruction' last week, I've calmed down a hell of a lot-for how long I have no idea. Spiky-Jackie-UBS-Nitebyrd to name but a few have given me strength to regain my inwardly love that I'm missing from me, let alone the world, I can't take everyone on at once. I would like to THANK YOU all for your heart warming lovely loving comments that you wrote for me, some of which made me cry, but I think they were good tears .. tears being some thing that I rarely part with, even when I'm slicing my flesh up! Today at work I had the opportunity to go the whole hog and join the GALIPS union. A union that protects Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual & Transgender people from sexual discrimination.. also helping them to work in a safe environment, equal rights etc. I got a goody bag with rainbow coloured goodies in... actually the signing my name and ticking the box marked 'Gay' was more exciting than getting the goodies. I've come a hell of a long way recently, and what with my writing and how that has developed, I think I've chosen the right path in life, just need to find me a woman now! But I realise that should I never find a woman to share my world with, it doesn't matter, but I'll sure have fun looking. I want to get a step further with my writing, I must get in contact with Mia again, I know she's a busy lady what with her job. Tomorrow is a day not yet started and after a good nights sleep, my batteries hopefully recharged, I should start to regain my life back. I've felt bogged under of late, it's almost like my energy channels have got crossed, giving out negative energy, what with late nights and long days, this week has been extremely tiring. Some times it's like that, but I tend to think I can cope...I'm not getting any younger or so my Friends keep reminding me!! ;-). Monday is a day to get over with before it's started. I had some dis functional visual defects in my left eye, back in March- well actually it was behind my left eye. Any way after several trips to the eye hospital, having drops into both eyes that dilated the pupils, ( felt like my eye balls had been grated) having incredibly bright lights shone in them...as you can imagine I've had enough, but they have yet to find out what caused it in the first place. At my last appointment in September I was told by the specialist that a woman of 'my age' shouldn't be having haemorrhage's behind my eyes. That left me feeling slightly worried as you can well imagine. I had to have endless blood tests ( I hate needles) and a chest X-ray of which I get the result on Monday. I have absolutely no immediate worries at this stage of the game. I will however keep you all posted. So that's a catch up of me for the past !!!!!! months. I'm not going to write anything for a while, to tell you the truth, I've lost my erotic vibe of late. It's like that some times ...... but I will be back.