Saturday, 24 October 2009

Damaged

I've been feeling out of sorts just of late. I don't really want to discuss it just yet because I have to discuss it with some one else first. This problem I have has been eating away at my soul for some time now. Time being of a length of months that could possibly have run into years without me actually realising it. Some thing that I've tried to brush under the carpet thinking it'd go away or I was imagining it. Is my mind so full of hurt that I've got the two confused? I have several issues that each time I think about how I'm going to execute them, I get wound up and even more so angry. I need to down load this unhappy emotion otherwise it'll make me one sad lady who will worry the rest of her life, and I'm not about to waist any of that on anyone. But it's not as easy as that, it never is! I need to write a letter, a hand written letter , explaining how it's come to be this way. For once in my life I know I can do this, I have to be strong, I am in control. Like I said I can't give to much away until I've written the letter. I wouldn't normally write this kind of a post but I'm looking for constructive advice.. of which I know I'll get of my friends out there in cyberspace. I have a very good friend at work who sends me advice via E mail, she chats with me at work, she's putting me on the right track...... but her job is counselor. It's always good to have some one out side of the situation who can take a fresh look, without taking sides. Some years ago I went to see a counselor who wound me up so much I snapped, she was found later to be 'not' doing her job and she was sacked, I never went back for round two after that, but my friend has to deal with real fucked up people, the kind behind bars, so my problems are superficial in comparison, but not for me. I need to sort this out, for my state of mind. Now it might go smoothly but it might also go 'tits' up so I have to prepare myself for the inevitable, but I hope that doesn't happen, it'd be a shame if it did happen. I shall have to see. Write from the heart as that is where this all started from.

10 comments:

Dulce said...

Nobody should be given the right to destroy your life. As aI see it, you and only you have the key to change and improve situations. If the situation is desperate, really desperate, there are great proffesionals out there to help you lead your way... I speak from experience, right?
After a whole life half living half suffering... for not apparent reason I'm starting to hold myself have self-esteem and do not depend on anyone to bring joy to me... except for family and friends (of course)
I hope you start seeing your seeds grow soon- Iam sure you will.

Indigo said...

Dulce ~ I'm starting to realise that I have to change this situation, friends are a good start, I just hope it doesn't destroy 'this' friendship. It's difficult to explain until I've spoken with the person. But I've felt like I've been struggling of late, it's not good for my well being..yes I have the key to change & improve situations, I'm not totally confident in doing this but I have to say what I feel, it may piss people off, but I'm me and want to stay in one piece, spiritually and as a human.Thank you..

Shelly Rayedeane said...

I know sometimes it is difficult to consider counseling when one has gone to a counselor before and had them do more damage then good. However, the thing to remember is to not judge all counselors by just one experience just like one should not judge one category of people by experiences with one person. For instance, some people hate all gays because of a bad experience with one gay person. But is this actually a fair assessment?

Friends are great when it comes to seeking advice. However, when it comes to emotional issues, friends often do not have the license and sometimes do more harm then good.

My honest opinion is you should try to seek counseling again with a licensed professional. If whatever this is makes you feel emotionally drained or depressed, that is the best answer I can come up with.

Take care of yourself. Xoxoxo

Indigo said...

Shelly Rayedeane ~ Yes I see where you're coming from. I'm trying to take my mind off this whole thing, but I can't as it ... Sorry. Thank you for your valuable advice. I'm still in the early stages of excepting who I am , the fact that I now class myself as a Lesbian! So in some respects, I'm still coming to terms with that, this episode in my life is starting to suffocate me, if that doesn't sound to dramatic, hope not. My circumstances are totally diferent to any other I've ever come across but I'm no expert. I have a number to phone, and in the not too distant future I shall be dialling that number.. thank you for caring...xoxoxox

Scarlet said...

I'm not a fan of therapy, but I realize it helps some people. Sounds to me like you've given this a lot of thought and now it's time to act.

What I've learned about situations like these is that the outcome never turns out the way we imagine it will. We never know how someone will respond to what we have to say, but when we have no other choice but to say it, it doesn't really matter.

I wish you the best and that you find peace in knowing you are being true to yourself.

Indigo said...

Scarlet ~ I'm not sure about the therapy, but I got a feeling after tonight I might just change my mind. I'm half way to the other side, but like you said, we're not always responsible on how the ohter party will react ..... thank you for droppin in.

Florida Dom said...

I'm new but just want to add to the previous suggestion that you shouldn't give up on counseling because of a bad experience. There are bad counselors just like there are bad auto mechanics. Try to find one who's right for you. Good luck.

FD

Indigo said...

Florida Dom ~ welcome and thank you, I have considered another go at this therapy thing, even if it's just by phone...

nitebyrd said...

Indigo, counseling, GOOD counseling, will help you find the right answer, direction, etc. yourself with care and compassion.

I do think you already know what is right but might be afraid or nervous or failure and/or rejection. I think that's normal.

You are a beautiful, brilliant, talented woman who is finally realizing what you want and need. Seek out a counselor that is familiar with what you are experiencing. Check with the group you recently joined, they'll probably be able to help.

(((HUGS)))

Indigo said...

Nitebyrd ~ yes I think you hit the nail on the head there, I certainly feel the need to down load some if not all of the crap that has over the years bogged me down, it's clagging my artaries.. I need a fag! Thank you, it is a scary place to be at the moment, just out as gay and fuckin scared of my next step in life..