Saturday, 3 October 2009

Drowning

The words only appear to flow when I've opened a bottle red wine. So I ask myself... can I only write when I am drunk? I feel like I'm drowning. I keep coming up for air... take a gasp, then sink! Tonight I started to cry... I can't remember the last time I actually cried. It's meant to be a release isn't it? To feel what I'm feeling right now, I can't describe. I feel like smashing this glass and attacking my veins with it, pretty in red! I now I said I'd be away for a while, but I have to write some thing every day, today not being my best day. I thought about writing a poem, but I wouldn't want to depress my audience any more, god you must really get bored of me wining on about how shit my feelings are, how depressed I feel, sorry................. I can't visualise, I can't even see the fucking computer screen right now......my eyes are all bleary! I always seem to hide my feelings. We don't cry out loud, keep it inside, learn how to hide our feelings. We don't cry out loud-words by Elkie Brooks! I look at people and think they look good, they must feel so confident with the way they present themselves, I catch my reflection in a shop window and wonder who the fuck's lookin at me. Yeah. that sad lookin bitch, that's who it is..ME!! I don't wish to worry any of you,I'm slightly depressed at the moment..I'm just venting anger. Anger for what I haven't got the faintes..t, idea. Sorry I'm crying again. Why the fuck do I write this shit? I have so many questions about 'who' I am. I'm GAY for god's sake. Yeah but listen to this, 'cuz I feel I'm a cheat. My story so far. I got married to a wonderful man 26 years ago, I have two siblings. They are great and the daughter is 23, a fully qualified Lawyer, my son is a fully qualified Joiner. I came out as Bi-sexual just before I actually realised I was GAY! I have all this guilt, but at the same time I have a wonderful husband who adores me ,my best friend, father of our two wonderful intelligent children... but I'm GAY!! Bisexual was a title I gave myself because I thought I'd be excepted, but I felt I was cheating myself. My husband knows I love women, he's aware I had a 5 n half year relationship with this awesome woman, who one day destroyed my life.. told me it was over. I came so close to jumpin in front of a train that day. SHIT ! SHIT! SHIT!...... I know I could never leave him, but how am I to find a woman who is happy with me? Any one got the tissues? I want to get really angry, hurt from the outside 'cuz it's killing me on the fuckin inside. I need another drink... a cigarette would be nice. I think my major problem is I'm scared of screwing up. But I don't think I'll ever feel safe from me.. All this lovely flesh, the excuses I think of when I decide to produce some well executed cuts YEAH YEAH YEAH I hear you all, takin a deep breath remember I don't have the fuckin bottle to do any harm, but ya never fuckin know, that's the worryin part, aint it? I'm fed up of apologising for my chosen words, I'm gettin it off my chest. "ARGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHH "..... I will read this tomorrow when I am sober and regress into the bottomless pit from where I came from. I so desperately want to not be here in this shitty hole, I've been here before, and from what can remember, it wasn't exactly the 'Ritz' then. 'Oh shit she's off again!'

8 comments:

UBERMOUTH said...

Here's another purchase suggestion, Indigo, Dale Carnegie's How To Stop Worrying And Start Living.

An excerpt goes like this; No matter how hard a man's burden is every man can manage his load for one day.'
and we only have to live/get through one day-today.

Indigo said...

Does he do one for how to stop 'smoking?' God knows I've tried...

UBERMOUTH said...

Now don't be a quitter. :)

Indigo said...

UBS ~ So I should continue to smoke? Or I should continue to give up or try to?

UBERMOUTH said...

I think if you enjoy smoking-smoke.:)

Indigo said...

UBS ~ I think it's a bad habit, one I would love to break one day, yes I do enjoy, but don't you find that in life we tend to like the bad things for us/me? Will see what the doc has to say tomorrow re my results.... fingers crossed- am brickin it!

nitebyrd said...

Indigo, don't quit smoking until you've got yourself in a better place mentally and emotionally. Christ on a crutch! Quitting is a bitch and you don't need any more stress right now.

If your husband understands that you're gay but you still love him, then you're "ahead of the game", so to speak. You're still in the realization stage so like Ubermouth said, get that book. It sounds like a great place to start.

Also, keep getting support from the group you joined. (((HUGS!)))

Indigo said...

nitebyrd ~ yes that sounds good to me. When you put it in thst context I can see much clearer.. I've given up for now as I have a stinking cough that when I do cough it feels like some one's pouring paint thinners down my throat, couldn't get warm last night either.. I will get the book, I am still very fragile, just thought I was covering up it quite well.......NOT!Thank you babe x