Another year

Blood sweat n tears.
Hours of pain, agony
and sweat.. labour
was long and tedious,
ripped n bleeding..
the pain was long
and intense....
then you arrived
this tiny bundle
of joy.. the
nurse shouts
'it's a boy.'
I loved you
and nursed you.
I've watched you
grow from that
tiny being, to
the man you are
now. Sunday was
your birthday,
23 years old
you be. I applaud
you, love you..
you will always
be my little boy.
Still not too big
to slap, not that
I ever did..One
day you will find
your own place, a
time to break my
heart. So go...
celebrate in style
have a drink or
two on me, but
not too many.
Never drink and
drive, but for
whatever life
throws at you
always remember
to smile. Smile
for today, celebrate
for all your
tomorrows.

Nuzzle

Climb into my bed,
put the words back
in my head, create
the memory, bruise
my flesh with gentle
ease. Please? Take
me, guide me, give
me everything you
have. Kiss me with
all your yesterdays.
Nuzzle down beneath
the soft folds of
my dreams. Lay
your body next to
mine, I'll leave
my heart unlocked.
And in the morning
the heat of our
love will linger
with spent passion.
The scent of your
mind covers me.

Sister

This is my new sister,
who lives far away..
We met, we clicked,
she's me in every
way. Her smile
lit up my life,
she is my husband's
second cousin..
my sister, how
wicked, how nice,
she lives far away
but a click here
and I can write
till my fingers
lose track of
time, my mind
wonders so
freely, I chat
from the heart.
We phone from
time to time,
six hours behind.
Hi Sis.. how ya
doin? We're
coming back
some day...
soon.

A breast of things

Today I went to the Breast clinic at my local hospital.
I have been having considerable discomfort in my left breast and under arm for several months now. So my doctor sent me for a check up with a very nice man, with warm hands. He had a feel, then sent me for a few mammograms. Results being I have nothing to worry about, but upon looking at the results, he feels there may be some thing else, not being breast tissue that is causing the pain. He suggested I go on Tomazipan which apparently regulates the hormones, but there is a risk of causing DVT.. of which can be a killer if not caught early enough. So we are going for Acupuncture in 3 months time. In the mean time I have to take pain killers and anti-inflammatory medication. So all in all a good result, however I still have pain in my left breast and under arm area, not life threatening...phew! I can't stand needles but wil be brave.. smiles all round!

Identity

Description:-
6'tall
Slim.
short blond
hair. Striking
blue eyes..
wicked glint,
crooked teeth..
soon to be
straight.
Check
my finger,
third on the
left, I wear
a gold ring,
proof I said
'Yes.'
Yes to the
marriage of
a man I actually
love.. he's happy
with who I am,
and all of the
above. Some
days I am
overflowing
with so much
confidence..
but just lately
I've been feeling
totally fucked
in the head, so
I like women
in my bed, he's
OK with that.
This has nothin
to do with any-one
else.. like I
said. But I intend
on havin another
chat with the man
in my life, I
being the so
called 'mother'
and his long term
wife. I have
a fabulous friend
who did Family
law you know,
she's givin my
such much appreciated
advice that should,
when put into
practice let the
selfish daughter
know I mean
business.. So
I now know what
I have to do..
It isn't going
to be easy..but
I have to stay
strong.. and if
you don't know
who I am, actually
know ME, then you'll
see this isn't
actually wrong.
I've taken the
opportunity to
get out on my
bike.. but I've
had this thunderous
headache... stress!
It hasn't ruined
my day.. I will
not let her
break me down..
I'm going to do
this MY WAY!!
But first I have
to chat with the
man I love with
all my heart,
I can not condone
what he has done,
we all took part.
Parents we were
parents we are..
but there comes
a time when we
have to stand
back.. but
care from afar.
I'm not quite sure
I love her right
now.. and not
with added regret
but she is being
fuckin awkward..
all in her
fathers interest!

Pain

You think I don't feel?
For every time you shout
abuse at me, every word
digs in so fuckin deep.
I am who I am, it's
taken me 30 years to
get this far, I don't
need your pain, I
carry my own. My
heart is not strong
my nerves are not
steel.. I feel your
pain, I know what
you're going thru.'
You will gain my
respect when I get
it from you. Each
sentence you speak
fills me with guilt.
I am like a flower
out of water, I wilt.
I am not strong like
I try to make out.
Bite your tongue,
'cuz one day I may
just lash out.
Violence goes
against my belief.
I can not take
anymore.. but I
will not be leaving.
If you do not
quit, I will back
your bags, throw you
out.............
and not say good
bye. Grow up, stop
having this tantrum.
I am the adult here
I will not stand
for your words
of hate... I am
who I am.. Live
with it or go.
I can not and
WILL NOT take
any more crap.
I am your Mother
Love me or leave.
I no longer wear
my heart on my
sleeve.. you
ripped that
off, my heart
is broken. I
can't bare to
share the air
your breathe.
You get my
drift...?
I am me..
I finally got
to where I
needed to be.
It's not been
easy, as you
can see.!!

Senses

See me,
focus..
blink..
tears
break
eye
lids,
heart
shakes.
Love
breaks
new
ground.
Ears..
listen
new
sounds.
Touch
sweet
weak
flesh
scream
orgasm
break..
head
strong,
heart
wrench,
I hear,
I dance,
I see..
lick..
now
taste.

Kiss

Do not
shout
for I
can
hear
you.
Reach
out..
with
hand
on my
heart,
kiss
me. I
ask
for
nothing
more.
I want
your skin
on mine.
I ache
for
your
lips,
engage
tongues,
blister
this
heat, I
feel is
so
strong.
Step
into my
world.
Come
dance
with me.
Turn up
the music
let's
get it
on.

Shell Shocked

From the heart, shell shocked..rocked.
Coming up with salt in my eyes, waves
of emotion... feeling like suicide.
Anger impales my nerves..I have no
patients.. Pain lingers like the
dew on a leaf..suspended in time,
where's the real me? Have I died?
Weather's crap, it's rained all
day.. the car park attendant
insisted I pay. I sat, flask
in hand.. drenched .. cold.
CD stuck on my favourite
track... Lionel Richie,
how many millions he sold.
'Once, twice.. three times a'..
tears rattle down my face.
A car blasts his horn..
Blink ..sweet drops of
emotion dribble past
my lips, lick quick
salty taste of shattered
dreams...'And I love you.'

Weakness

Today I had a chat with a long time friend. She had no idea I am Gay. She soon found out. She didn't judge me, she was very comforting. We discussed my present situation with my mouthy self centered daughter. She gave me some tips on how to approach my husband. She could also see from how upset I was that if I didn't do some thing, say some thing soon... I would and still might be heading for a nervous break down. So tonight I had a quiet chat with my husband, I kept my voice low. I had no plans of letting tears flow down my face, but it happened anyway. I told him I hadn't been happy for a long time, that I'd been feeling very low-depressed even. I told him that he needs to put our daughter in her place. How can I grow with out his strength behind me. I also told him that I will go to the doctors if I don't improve, does he want me taking Valium? We/ I spoke quietly, voice trembling, tears running.. I think it is a start. I did mention however that should she not improve I will pack her bags and I will throw her out. I am not a violent woman, I would be mortified should she drive to the point of I actually struck her. I can't abide violence of any kind, regardless of how far to the edge I may arrive. I feel relieved in a way but I am sticking to my guns. I said that when she can show me respect I will give it. Simple I would have thought... for a lawyer, not rocket science. The phone rang tonight, I had turned my mobile phone off, the house phone rang, it was her, needing a lift home at some ungodly hour in the morning... I will not be going to collect her. I have made my point, my husband had no idea I was feeling so depressed. I said my piece and left the room. Sitting on the leather couch, he came and sat with me, putting his arm around my shoulders. I haven't been well of late.. I have been up and down so much I've got sea sickness. David at work thinks I'm Bipolar... I may well be. I'm not a hipacondriact either, contrary to what folk might say, for those who say these things, are not my friends. I haven't had a cigarette in just over two weeks, my final attempt at giving up... it's not been easy but I hope I'm getting some where now.

New

OK so I haven't had the best of weeks for a while.
I decided to vamp up my blog to try and cheer me up.
I like the new vibrant colour red... rhythms with head
mine of which is at this moment in time, unlike my body
totally fucked. A change is as good as a rest, who ever
thought of that one must be really screwed in the head!
I am now....get ready for the 'Grand finale'.....
going to bed!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I would however like to take this opportunity to
'THANK' everyone out there in cybor space for
taking time out to come give me much sought
after advice... I am in great need of some
thing, wine ? It's my worst enemy right now
but it's better than opening up old wounds
or making fresh ones. I am my own worst
enemy... I let people walk all over me.
I shall in future not give my love so
freely..they can go fuck em selves..
End of.

Indi

xxx

Crushed

Today I did some thing to be proud of...
so why don't I feel this? I found a piece
of broken glass,sat down, held it in my
hand.. looked at it in great detail..
but I couldn't find the nerve to cut.
But I couldn't find the 'nerve' to cut.
Have I not learned anything? Do I not
consider myself a stronger being?
Yesterday I did the very same thing.
I too, hesitated, put it in the bin.
You see I do have an inner strength,
I can get through this blip in my
life. I have a husband who at this
moment in time is as about as useless
as a chocolate teapot. I had a little
chat.... a few words were spoken and I
called him a 'twat.' I've had plenty of
red wine. I feeling rather unsteady.
I have, and had a razor blade
standing by. I haven't actually
got the balls to do anything that
stupid............yet.... but
for tonight I think it's time
to pass out, the wine has made
me tired, I've had a busy shit
day. I'm hoping that tomorrow
will feel better than today.
I really have lost my
ability to write anything
that holds that sexy bling.
I do apologise for what
I write.. I'd like to wish
you all a very 'goodnight.'

Hurting

OK so I wrote a crap post earlier. I have things on my mind at the moment. Life isn't all roses right now. I have a 24year old daughter who loves to throw knives at me. Well not actual knives but they may as well be. One liners that really hurt. I also have a husband who I have come to believe that although he is of the 'male' species he has neither balls or back bone! He never sides with me when she is rude and vulgar, he never tells her of as not to talk to me in that way. He appears to think that I can fight my own battles. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think I am slowly cracking up here. Tonight I came home after an 8 hour shift, I cleaned the house, some thing that I rarely do, well no that's wrong, I do when I have the energy. She walks in, sits down and says 'my god you've actually cleaned up.'To which I replied 'well no one else is going to bother.' I get no help from her or her 22 year old brother and the man of the house is fucking useless too. So at this present moment in time I am feeling very low. I have to also add that yes I did give birth to 'her' and if I had known she was going to turn out this way I would have insisted he use a fucking CONDOM!! I have to control my replies as 'she' usually has some thing to answer back with. I will not be leaving her anything in my last will and testament. I have left the building. I do hurt and it is a waist of time me even having this conversation with the so called 'man' of the house as I said before he has no balls or back bone.!!
One of these days I will take a swing at her for sure. I don't do violence but I can be pushed only so far... it's going to happen. My best friend says that I am not a bad mother but I have a bad daughter who is so full of herself, selfish, self centered and mouthy... quite the ingredients for a 'lawyer?'!
I look forward to the day when she leaves home, I will break In make a meal and trash the place..pay back time!! She never does this to her Dad, remember the male with no balls or back bone? OH no he's MR. goody goody. He's the one with the answers to the car won't start, my tank is empty, I have no money, I can't afford to do this, can you lend me some money? As Dad's do but I appear to be the monster, the same monster who washes her clothes, collects her at 1a.m when she's drunk and missed her taxi, the one who washes her best frock when she's puked down it, the same monster who cooks and cleans... the very same monster who stands there after a hard days work and gets verbal shit thrown at her....excuse me but where exactly am I going wrong? Apart from still living under the same god damn fucking ROOF!!!

Discovery

On Sunday I went for a bike ride... motorbike ride. To those who are English and know where I'm on about you'll understand that a round trip of 316 miles is a long way for the day. As I am off to Europe next year for a motorbike bonanza ride in celebration of a BIG birthday, so I want to do it in style ( with a cushion beneath my ass!). I thought it best to get some long haul rides under my belt or this case saddle! I started out at a reasonable time after a hearty breakfast. I made for Somerset. The sun was out for most of the ride.. traffic was OK for a Sunday. The roads...good to fare. Anyhow, after several stops for a stretch, petrol, loo.. I eventually arrived. Parked my bike and wandered off to find a cold drink and some lunch. Where upon I found some quaint little touristy shops., one of which was a bead shop.. I couldn't help myself but to enter this treasure chest of brightly coloured beads of all shapes and sizes. Like a kid in a sweet shop. I wandered around, eyes wide. Some gorgeous beads did I find. I've just made a red glass heart necklace... I shall sell it at work hopefully, now that I have an audience to play with!! I am always on the look out for fasteners to anchor the leather ends together. The owner of the shop suggested I make my own. I don't know why I didn't think of this before. So she got some 1.0mm wire a piece of wooden doweling and proceeded to roll me two fasteners.. 'magic' I couldn't wait to get home and find the time to make my own. I haven't got a piece of wood but a rather thick nail which has made me two ..so far ideal fasteners for my thick leather thongs/strings/threads. I am delighted with the end result. Clever eh? It's amazing what we can make when we know how. This may not be my usual material for getting your appetites wet, but this is for me fantastic.. I've spent years lookin for these and now I can make my own of whatever size I need.Whoooooopeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
So this is a break from the normal stuff I write. But some times I get stuck on what to actually write..I'm having a break.. I'm in bead heaven!!

Pride

Wrap your eyes around your stare.
Glance and with gentle hand..
place upon my heart, for I have
but one pair of tender breasts.
Fight with grace as your mind
digests these beauties, smile
widens across face..tongue
dances and with teeth in lip..
lick lips in anticipation of
what.... if you had... a chance
to taste, roll your tongue,
dance, excite.. and when you
have tasted this Delicious
delectable delight, may you?
Spend the night with her..
imagine what would, what
could happen.............?
Damp sheets, creased with
a nights passion, aching
limbs spent exhilaration.
Tired emotions.. exhausted
commotion. New found/ lost
loves.. dried eyes, sticky
lips.. twitching every things
sore worn out clits. Kissed
nips, worn out grounded hips.
Tossed embers of loves
spent.. and .. but I haven't
introduced myself yet..
My hand awaits your
decision.. my heart beats
in anticipation.. I widen
my stance, I catch your
glance... 'Hi...' we
smile, tongue in cheek,
glint of an eye....
Smile .... kiss!

Decisions

At work every now and again for one reason or another, in some random department, the old boss male/female, will decide to throw a night out on their pockets/wallets. In this particular instants our health care dept has/is organising a night- all taxi / accommodation paid for by the boss. They have asked if I should go? I do however get up for work early the next day, and with me not getting any younger (haha) find it difficult to compose myself after a night out ( is this the norm?) So even though I'm honoured that I've been invited, I'm not sure whether to attend or not. Only the last time I went to one of their party's I got so pissed I was ill ( can't do it any more!) I don't actually work for that dept; I just clean that building, but it's nice of them to think I'm one of the 'team.' Now if it were a Friday night I wouldn't have a problem. So these team building occasions? Are they really necessary? Do they work? Do we/ can we honestly think after lashing of paid for alcohol we can get away with calling the boss every made name under the sun, smile, shake his hand then the next day say 'good morning' as if nothing happened the night before? After all that I think it's just an excuse to see your former work buddies make complete twats of themselves shortly before you get your final pay packet or demotion! Come on people now, no amount of free grub n booze is going to get two people to get on if they have a personality clash.. any better than a concussion! Isn't it all fake? Pretending? Now if I can't stand some one.. I can normally tell 5 minutes after actually meeting them. And believe me I do work with some complete 'fuck wits.' And to think they got managerial positions!!

Life is ..........

Today at work we all finally got to cruise the new 'staff forum' page. Where upon any one can advertise items for sale, tell jokes, general chitchat etc. So I had an idea. I've been thinking of ways to get the word round that I make my own unique Jewellery. So taking the bull by the horns and this being an ideal opportunity to place my ad. Clever eh? So all I have to do now is wait........... and with over 400 members of staff there, it won't take long for news to travel. So I'll wait for some one...any one to come ask me what I make. I have got one pile of beads... a bracelet to mend for this strange woman at work. I'm thinking she's thinking I'll do it for free. HA!! I told her I'd have a look see what I can resurrect from it... and let her know. Typical.. they want some fin for nowt! I had a glass thing I used to wear around my pretty little neck, but for reasons I'd rather forget.. I sold it. It hangs around David's neck now... he loves it... I no longer had life for it... He loves my jewellery. Ask nitebyrd I made her a bracelet for Christmas, all her girlfriends wanted one. You see when I make any thing you can be sure it's the only one like it. I never duplicate my goods, that way like a tattoo designed souly for you... the bracelet or necklace or anklet is a one off. Which reminds me my dragonfly tattoo is coming along very nicely. My mosquito bites have almost gone. Tonight is another night for drinking good red wine... taking pain killers.. heading for bed early. Life is good for me right now... well that is what I keep telling myself ... for tomorrow is another day.

Delicate

Delicate is the flesh.
Weak from distress..
this aching I have
is causing me to hurt.
I went to the doctor
who had to have a grope
he doesn't rule out
anything nasty, but
is sending me for
another opinion..
just to be sure.
So whilst I wait
for letter to
arrive, I have
to assure myself
it's nothing
un-to-ward. Pain
killers to take,
easy to swallow
time to rest for
I need all my
tomorrows. Tender
is my attitude
towards what might
be there.. I do
want it to be
nothing, I do
actually care.
So tonight I
will take a long
hot bath, slide
sideways under
the bubbles..
press gently
for some time,
two fingers
should suffice.
I am no medical
examiner..no
doctor in tow.
Only the
specialist will
have an answer..
I hope and yes
I know, it's
nothing really.
I'm being silly.
My mind is
quite easily
distracted.
So I'll wait
with baited
breath, fingers
eyes & tits
crossed for good
measure.
Delicate
is my mind,
Delicate be
the touch...
cautious is
what I must
be.

"What the Fu........?"

Positively and without perception,
except with open heart and mind.
Take hold with gentle address..
at first not to crease nor harm.
The direction of heat, frozen
to the core. Digest then
regurgitate. I am and I
will do without hesitation
jump up and down in a radical
direction .. and with
uncontrollable voice....
SCREAM my frustration
as to this moment, then
calmly as it passes-slow
down. Blood pressure
decreasing, heart beat
retreating. Beads of
sweat dried like seeds
of life. Death from
destruction, the
willingness to continue,
My appetite, nil by mouth.
Heart stopping commotion.