Wednesday, 11 August 2010

Crushed

Today I did some thing to be proud of...
so why don't I feel this? I found a piece
of broken glass,sat down, held it in my
hand.. looked at it in great detail..
but I couldn't find the nerve to cut.
But I couldn't find the 'nerve' to cut.
Have I not learned anything? Do I not
consider myself a stronger being?
Yesterday I did the very same thing.
I too, hesitated, put it in the bin.
You see I do have an inner strength,
I can get through this blip in my
life. I have a husband who at this
moment in time is as about as useless
as a chocolate teapot. I had a little
chat.... a few words were spoken and I
called him a 'twat.' I've had plenty of
red wine. I feeling rather unsteady.
I have, and had a razor blade
standing by. I haven't actually
got the balls to do anything that
stupid............yet.... but
for tonight I think it's time
to pass out, the wine has made
me tired, I've had a busy shit
day. I'm hoping that tomorrow
will feel better than today.
I really have lost my
ability to write anything
that holds that sexy bling.
I do apologise for what
I write.. I'd like to wish
you all a very 'goodnight.'

36 comments:

heelsnstocking said...

maybe your creativity is being drained by your need to be strong right now...

hugs x

UBERMOUTH said...

You are far too hard on yourself.

Look how strong you are!

That should make you feel empowered that you DIDN'T do it,not weak because you contemplated it.

When are you going to be as kind to yourself as you are to others? :)

You're very special indeed, and it's high time you saw that,Indi!

xoxoxoxoxox

Indi said...

heelsnstocking ~ I've never really been strong ... but thank you and the hugs are muchly needed.

Indi

xx

Indi said...

UBS ~ I am aren't I? I give so much, yet get very little in return. So if I pull back on the givving do you think I will recieve? I am tired. I need my sleep, though I don't encourage my dreams. Thank you UBS.. you keep me going

Indi

xx

Red Shoes said...

*Huggles!!!!*

You were very strong!!! You did great!!!! I'm so happy for you...

*huggles*

~shoes~

Red Shoes said...

Re: What Uber said... when I was going through counseling after my Dad died and then the ensuing divorce, the counselor said she had a point she needed to address... and it was that I am SO much more forgiving of others... and giving TO others... than I am of and to myself.

That was quite a revelation there...

~shoes~

UBERMOUTH said...

Yes, I do think you will as the situation just calls for you to demand some respect from her.

She is too old to actinmg like an immature 13 year old. She should be ashamed.

peedee said...

Indi, you did prevail. Chalk up the win and get some sleep. Hopefully when you wake up, you'll feel a little better. Strong enough again to beat them all.

I'd throw my kid out, especially at that age if she spoke to me the way yours does to you.

I hope things get better. Be well.

vixen kitten said...

**hugs** lots of hugs.

You are very strong. And while I can't promise if you hold back on the giving you will recieve, I do believe that you will have enough to finally give to YOURSELF.

You deserve it. Never forget that.

xoxo
~vk~

Spiky Zora Jones said...

I'm sending you kisses and hugs...so be on the look out. Sweetie...you are strong and you deserve a happy life. you just need to reach out for it.
(((HUGS))) xxxx

later honey.

Beryl said...

Si vis pacem para bellum.

The most important thing to fight is the war in your head.

xox
Beryl

The Bipolar Diva said...

This was such a strong post and I cried, cried really hard. I've sat with that glass. I've sat with that razor. I did cut. Not to end things but I guess to feel something, to take the numb away that engulfed me. I wasn't as strong as you were. I'm better now. I know that I don't know you, this is my first time to your post, but if you ever want to talk to someone that's sat there like that you can always email me.


thebipolardiva@gmail.com

Teri

Indi said...

Shoes ~ thank you... I just hope that next time I can't fight the feeling... I don't slash my arm.

Indi

x

Indi said...

Shoes ~ maybe I need to chat with a professional... Samaratans?

Indi

x

Indi said...

UBS ~ my other half seems to think she'll move out one day in the not so distant future and that I to for now ingore her stupid remarks.... I think I should slash him!

Indi

Little ol' Me said...

I think sometimes strengh comes to us in ways that other's can't see, but we can feel.

I don't know your history or your story, but I can feel your pain in your words. I hope that being able to write them down, and knowing that you have friends and even people like me - strangers who feel for you - offers you some kind of solace.

I'm wishing you peace and inner strength. I'll be back to read more and see what you're up to.

Indi said...

Peedee ~ yep that one's to me. I have this voice in my head, I mutter all day what I'm going to say and when the time approaches... I get so damn angry I blurt ity out, with no voice of authority and then I feel a complete twat..

Indi

thank you

x

Indi said...

vixen kitten ~ Yeah I think you are right there. I need to give to me, what go buy myself some flowers type thing? I have lost the way on how to forgive me. But thank you any how, much appreciated

Indi

xx

Little ol' Me said...

I just remembered this quote and thought about you.
************************************
Be not the slave

of your own past.

Plunge into the

sublime seas,

dive deep and swim far,

so you shall come back with

self-respect, with new power,

with an advanced experience

that shall explain and overlook the old.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Indi said...

Spiky ~ I think I've fallen off the rails again. Just when I thought it was all going swimmingly well... hey I just caught this great big 'hug' thank you... oh n 'smack' the kisses too..;/ thank you babe, in much need of.

Indi

xxx

Indi said...

beryl ~ YES you're right... all this mist is in my head. Thank you

Indi

xxx

Indi said...

The Bipola Diva ~ I will be e mailing yu at some stage thank you. I have scars where I used to cut. I had a tiger tattoo to cover those scars, but I now want the tattoo covered a it is no longer loved... long story, I won't bore you with the details.

Indi

xx

The Bipolar Diva said...

Your posts resonated with me. It was as if I were reading my own words. The pain seems insurmountable. My therapist asked me what I felt when I cut and I told her that it was a feeling of peace that rushed over me and that I could breathe. She said that she was afraid of that. I had no idea that endorphins were released through that.

I don't even know why I first thought of it. Then one night it got really bad. I had taken ambien, four of them, because my husband wouldn't shut his mouth. He kept yelling and fighting and I was so tired. I just wanted to sleep. Well I guess the ambien just put me into a hypnotic state and I cut my arms a lot. Then I remembered a shot and my husband came in the room he said, I don't remember. There's a bullet hole still in my ceiling. I have no memory of it.

What I do remember is waking up in the hospital the next day and completely freaking out. It was horrible. Then about a week or so later I was diagnosed with bipolar. It was still a struggle but then my demons had a name. I haven't cut in months, maybe close to a year. I have scars, but you'd not know what they were unless you knew.

Then to have pain from one of your kids has to be excruciating. I really don't know what to say except that sometimes I've found it easier to talk to people that I don't know because then it's like there will be less judgement, at least in my sometimes warped mind I feel that.

I am here for you if you ever need to vent or anything. I'm a good listener and I've been there.

Also, kind of a FYI, I looked at your profile and your interests, every single one of them are my interests as well. I just couldn't put them all on my profile since my kids read mine.

nitebyrd said...

(((HUGS))) Indi, you're in the abyss but I know you'll come out of it - without any cuts. You ARE stronger than that desire. Please know you have friends that love you. We care. Very, very much.

The Invisible Seductress said...

I can't add too much more because it's been said rather well here. Looking at the scars on my wrist to say you are not alone. You are braver and stronger than many and are very loved and respected here!

All the best to a beautiful spirit that knows how to soar and just needs a breeze to get back up there..

Christiejolu said...

I know it doesn't seem like it...But things will get better...I was with a man who was useless...Once I got rid of him things became so much better...So you just have to believe things will get better!

Since you need hugs I am sending you some big hugs...

Stay strong!

heelsnstocking said...

just checking in and seeing if you needed another hug ... here's one anyway xx ((((hugs))))

keep moving forward babes thats what i do, dont stand still and ponder just move forward and find a new muse for yourself whatever it may be x

Indi said...

The Bipola Diva ~ Having read your reply, through teared eyes, I have drank my way through hlaf a bottle of red wine tonight. I feel I suffer in silence, this being that I am ashamed of how I feel. I know I shouldn't behave like this. David at work who gives me great advice , who doesn't acuse me, he doesn't point the finger at me, he is and has been my aid in all that I have discovered or unearthed about my feelings. He thinks I am bipola, I'm either on a high or wanting to kill myself. I think I keep it well hidden from my family, that or they don't know my real worries, my true aims in not wanting to live. I am trapped in my world, but in my world I only hate one person, that person I see every morning I look in the mirror... thank you for caring, tis means so much to me

Indi

xxx

Indi said...

Little ol me ~ Emmerson also said 'nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm' it says that on the back of my London Marathon medal. I loved what yot you wrote. I have had more red wine tonight, It's becoming a habit of mine. I and alcohol to not mix well, I get tearful, I cried just when I read that. It's lovely and so true... I am swimming but up stream half the time...


Indi

xx

Indi said...

The bipolar Diva ~ I want to cut up now, all I have to do is walk into the kitchen pick up a sharp knife and get stuck in...what's stopping me? Admitting to the rest of the family that I actually have a problem, they don't understand me now, I haven't got a cat in hells chance of explaining why I have red stuff running down my arm. I will have an accident at work, a planned one, I stumbled on a broken bottle, the cut will resemble a broken bottle... I have no bandages right now... I have to plan my assult. I am this scared pothetic woman who has memories of being told off by my father along time ago. I wet the bed until I was 13... the list is endless. I can't remember the last time my parents told me they loved me, please stop me.......



Indi


x

Indi said...

nitebyrd ~ Am I strong though? Can I come out the other side unscathed? I doudt my ability to do anything right now. I haven't had a fag in two weeks, but now I drink like a fish... Alcohol and I donnot mix. I have this voice inside my head which comes on to me, she tells me it's good to bleed... the wine assures me it won't hurt........... thank you for hug, think I need help



Ind i

Indi said...

The Invisible Seductress ~ tears fall like red rose petals... the pain subsides like the sun setting in the evening.. I ramble on but I know not what I write...thank you



Indi

Indi said...

Christiejolu ~ I caught your hug... thank you... I need many right now and less red wine!


Indi

xx

Indi said...

heelsnstocking ~ in need of much hugs thank you for being there, thank you for all of you all being there. I having a rough time, I don't know how long I can cope with this either...


Indi

xx

The Bipolar Diva said...

Indi;

It wouldn't hurt to be screened. I don't think you're going to get any fingers pointed or judgement from any one that's left comments here. Everyone, I mean everyone, has problems that they believe are insurmountable. No one has the right at someone else and the pain they have. No one's feeling it but you, we all feel pain and handle pain differently.
You know what? I even kept pictures of my arms bleeding the last time I cut to remind myself of it all. I left the bullet hole in my ceiling to remind me. I was like you, I was either on an incredible high or the depths of depression that I can only describe as the pits of hell. I went through my share of red wine as well, and I don't even like much of it.
What could it hurt by being screened? You'll know something one way or another. Then you'll know which path to take. If you don't know what you're dealing with you can't choose the path to take. You don't, no one deserves to live in the pain that you're in.

I'm leaving links to some of my writings that I did through the pain, the cutting, and the depression as well as how I felt when the sun began to shine again. If you want to read them, maybe you can see that you're not alone. Someone's been there and has survived. That night is about the night I ended up in the hospital. Two little words is about being diagnosed. Calm and Unorthodox about the peace I felt when cutting and my thoughts then. Who knows? they might help some.

http://www.thebipolardiva.com/2010/02/that-night.html

http://www.thebipolardiva.com/2010/02/two-little-words.html

http://www.thebipolardiva.com/2010/02/sea-turtles.html

http://www.thebipolardiva.com/2010/02/unorthodox.html

http://www.thebipolardiva.com/2010/02/stronger-force.html

http://www.thebipolardiva.com/2010/02/calm.html

Indi said...

The Bipola Diva ~ 'Thank you' I will read more later, I have to go to work now, it's ym early shift.

And I will seriously concider the test...

Indi

xx