Hope

Today I had an appointment through to go to the Breast clinic for an emergency mammogram. All I can say is they don't hang about. My day is Thursday 3rd Dec 9.20am. I'm not looking forward to having my swollen breast squashed in to a machine that resembles a meat slicer! But it'll put my mind at rest when they tell me it's nothing to worry about. I'm pretty sure it's nothing to worry about, but I have done my share of worrying.. we do don't we? As human beings.. we worry, for no apparent reason. I've had other things to focus on just lately like my three days away in south Wales, starting tomorrow afternoon, hope the weather is kind to me as I'm going on my Yamaha FJR 1300. Also my trip to the NEC at Birmingham to the International Motorbike Show on Monday. So with these events in place, I have been fairly OK. I just hope the nurse who attends my examination on Thursday has warm hands Lol. So there it is... in black n white. I guess I'm over reacting, but I can't help it. I'm still in some pain, but that's the infection. Horse pills will start working soon I hope, no alcohol for me until the course is finished on Monday, then I will have a couple of LARGE glasses of red wine... but I won't be celebrating any thing until I get my results... once again I like to thank Secretia for being there for me...she's a gem.

A Breast of things

Some time the middle of last week I noticed some discomfort in my left breast. A couple of years ago I had to go for a mammogram on both my breasts. That is a painful process in itself. I was told that I was just one of the many women who suffer painful breasts and there was nothing I could do, so I believed them. Up until now I had no problems, then last week it all changed. I had a chat with another blogger.. Secretia who is a nurse, so I asked for her advice and she told me to go get it checked out asap, I told her I would do and I would keep her informed. This morning I made an appointment to see a lady doctor. I've got one uncomfortable breast, it's hot.. sore..tender..PAINFUL! I told the doctor this, she examined me.. her hands were cold, but a welcome change to warm hands as my skin is hot. Apparently I have a cyst just to one side of my nipple. I am now taking a course of Antibiotics, so that means no alcohol for me until I'm all done popping these horse pills, I say horse pills due to their size....BIG!!
To find out the exact problem, I am now on the waiting list for an emergency mammogram. I'm not looking forward to it, but it will put my mind at rest when I find out it's a minor problem.. I should hear about this in a couple of weeks. In the mean time I shall continue to take my medication, paracetamol, Ibuprofen. So it's a good idea to keep doing the checks on your boobies regularly, you just never know what might happen! I'm hoping my problem IS just a cyst and nothing else. I will keep you posted because I know this subject is very important, life is very important.

Invitation

M is for me.
A is for able
S is for sexual
T is for tonight
E is for ecstasy
R is for ready
B is for bound
A is for any time
T is for tender
I is for invitation
O is for Oblivion
N is for now....
now is the time to release the pent up anger in my soul.
Lying here upon this bed, unruly thoughts race through my
head. If I could be any one, I'd be her. She is different,
she is like the stars that twinkle in the sky... reaching
out for the one who knows... who knows how to feel.
As I lie here, my mind wonders. The silence of the night
haunts me. My head hurts, my heart aches... I ache.
I want to be touched, I want to be kissed. I beg to be
abused. My knees are weak. My eyes are stained. Blood rushes
through my veins. I am tied, chained like a wild animal..
scared. The door opens, I lift my head... Venus stands
before me. Silhouetted in the darkness. She shines, tears roll
down my face. Hold me, kiss me, love me. She kneels before
me, wipes away the tears. I shudder.. look on in abandonment.
My nipples are hard. I stare, I blink, then she is
gone. Searching, I scan the room. Panic stabs my complexion.
I sit up, turn around, she is behind me. She takes my face in
her hands, her lips slightly parted. I don't move, I can't.
Hypnotised by her eyes, we kiss. She tastes like heaven,
she feels like silk. I trace the out line of her face, pausing
at her mouth, her lips part, I insert one finger, she sucks..
soft at first then with fire. Pulling away, lying back on the
fresh cotton sheets, she rips my shirt off. I'm not wearing
a bra. My tits stand to attention. My jeans strain at the zipper.
With one hand on her neck I pull her to me once more, with the
other I yank at the fabric, sliding out, kicking them away.
Black satin thong, the musky scent of euphoria not yet born.
She runs her index finger down the length of my spine and
around to my belly. Beads of sweat trickle down my cleavage.
My hand quivers as I unbutton her blouse, each button...
an invitation to come dine. She tosses her head back, her
red hair like fire. Her pale skin and her red lips... flush.
She holds my arms above my head, ties me gently to the bed.
I don't struggle or panic for I know what is to be... she
lowers her head to my groin, slides a finger deep into my...
My legs pushed wide, I bite my lower lip, she's taken me with
her, to Oblivion and beyond. My heart aches no more, my clit
twinkles like the stars in the sky, for she is my universe,
my new star. Her tongue dances with my soul, I grind my loins
Euphoria is awake, the devil is knocking on my door...
I smile once more

Reality

I am.
I always was and
I always will be.
I can cry, but I won't
I can hurt, but I can't
I can't let myself.
I felt the pain...
I invented pain.
I never knew it
would be like this.
Deadwood drifting,
blue skies, grey.
Eyes all blurred,
I laugh now, but
what can I say...
.................
One word springs to
mind..............
..................
Oh yeah..here it is.
...................
'GOODBYE.'

Finger's crossed.

Today I went for my 'Pre-Opp Assess.' I had the works. ECG, blood tests, MRSI tests, weight,height,BMI, a lot of medical questions. Have I had CJD? (mad cow disease) Mooooo..!! I told the nurse that I had a fear of sharp objects like hypodermic needles.. but she was great, I hardly felt the little 'prick' she mentioned. So while every body is counting down the remaining days until Christmas, I'm doing so but for obvious reasons... my operation. I've been advised that when I go for my procedure that I take a night bag. Then the news came that if they can't for some reason administer the 'Epidural' into my spine, 'Ooooooh' can't wait. I'll have to have a general anaesthetic, which means I might have to stay in over night!!
I don't think I fancy waking up on Christmas day in hospital! Although I wouldn't say no to a nice sexy nurse in a tight low cut dress, bed bath? Yeah... I guess I'm pushing my luck, but a girl can but dream eh?
I have a fear of hospitals. I hope that the operation goes well, they manage to freeze my leg, and I get home before lunch on Christmas Eve. But.. I'm looking forward to 5 days of doing absolutely 'Jack Shit' for the entirety.

Who am I ?

"

Today I sit and reflect of my night of discovery.
How I felt when I entered the lions den. Euphoria.
Have I now excepted my sexuality?
Have I grown in strength?
Do I now belong?
Time is ever thing, everything
can represent nothing.
How am I to live, if I alone can not except
who I am? Courage, strength. Gay....
three simple words that represent the
face in the mirror.....me!

The Club

Saturday morning arrives, 9.30a.m and I'm due for a hair cut, so no lie in for me. That done..now sporting very short spiky effect. I call in to see my school buddy who owns the salon in the high street. 'Any chance of a quick eye brow wax?'
Hair done, eyebrows done. I'm starting to think about tonight, what the 'club' will be like, how loud will the music be? Will I be able to pull? All these questions racing through my head. It's been a long time sine I went out, not just 'out' but 'OUT' to a gay club. My heart was jittery, the Adrenalin was pumping, I felt light headed and dizzy....time to eat before I go out, put the lining on the stomach. A nice spicy chicken balti should do the trick. The clock was ticking, time flies when you're excited. Small amount of make up, quick slice of light lippy, gel the hair, get dressed, splash of that expensive perfume I bought myself on Saturday. In an attempt to know what to wear I just threw on a pair of faded jeans with a black leather studded rock chic belt through just one loop on the left hand side of my hip leaving the rest of it to drape the right side of my other hip, hugging my ass. Flat shoes, the type that don't cause blisters. Short sleeved cotton cowboy style button up shirt. All done, no jewellery apart from my blue glass necklace that brought me and my mate David together in the first place. You see he works at the prison were I also work. I was wearing this necklace one day on a platted leather string that I had made, not only did he want the pendant, he also wanted the leather necklace, so I made him one, this is our story. David is openly gay, he's been there for me every step of the way. One thing led to another and he invited me out clubbing on the weekend after his 29th birthday the Thursday before. So I agreed.
He's a really nice young man, he has a partner, they've been together for ten years. It must be love, David has a tattoo of his lovers name on the inside of his left wrist. Personally I'd never go for a name, unless it was in Chinese.
His man gave us a lift to the club in his works van, loud music drowning my ears all the way, all three of us singing at the tops of our voices. David was already slightly pissed before we'd even got there. Start as you mean to go on eh?! As we stand outside this building, David takes me in his arms and hugs me quite roughly, ' I'm so glad you could come tonight.. you are so going to enjoy this, but let me worn you there will be things passed around, they're not illegal drugs, but if you have a sniff you'll love it.' I smiled, hugged him back but refused to take part in any thing I didn't fully understand. He smiled, took my hand and said 'come on lady let's go have some fun.'
We stood at the bar and as soon as I walked in heads turned, I felt like a movie star. He said that he thinks tonight I'll get every bodies head turning. And he was right. The first head to turn was this guy's, who it was obvious he was trying to pull me, I think he might have pulled a muscle 'cuz I was tempted to kick him in the groin if he didn't piss off. I felt nervous, not sure what to say. He asked me if I had a boyfriend, I told him I was gay and he backed off. We had a couple of games of pool whilst the club filled up. One corner of the small bar area was a small stage. I had to look twice then I realised the incredibly gorgeous woman strutting her stuff was in fact a man in drag, very good drag at that, AND she could sing! I beat David to the first game, but he wasn't happy with that so we set up the table again, smiling and laughing at each other, dancing to the music, gyrating with the table in a provocative way. I started off on becks beer, no glass. I had three to begin with, then David appears with two shot glasses. I stared at him and asked 'what is that?' He grinned.. 'oh get it down ya woman.' One.. two.. three, I necked it straight back. It was Sambuka a clear liquid very strong aniseed. It hit the spot along with the three bottles of beer previous! The next couple of drinks went from bottles to pints of beer, my head was startin to spin, my body was startin to feel relaxed.
10.30 arrived and we staggered outside up some iron steps into a small car park down an alley way, arriving at the door to the club. This being another part of the club, where all the action takes place. I could feel the floor vibrating before I entered the building. As we walked in, through a couple of doors, down some steps to the bar area. I grabbed David by the arm, kissed him on his lips and entered the dance floor. The club was dark but with strobe lights dotted about. Loud chatter n singing, people having a good time. Bodies like a sea of passion. Mingling with desire. I was starting to cry, but tears of joy.. this is who I am now, this is my world. David led me on to the podium and we danced our hearts out. I made for the toilet.. the floor awash with spent drinks. I stumbled into the arms of a tall female who held me up as I started to slide down. Her eyes were electric blue, a vampire of the night. She smiled at me ... her teeth..sharp and brilliant white, she leaned in to me, I could feel the warmth of her breath on my neck. Her tongue darted in and out of my ear, I was melting with heat..the heat of lurve. I felt my zipper moving down, her hands expertly removed my jeans, I sat back on to the cold surface of the wash basin. My head was cloudy, her tongue found my sex..god I was in heaven. My hands gripped the taps.. my legs wide, knees bent. I was coming ! 'OH........MY............GGGODDDDDDDD.' The room was spinning round, people stood and stared, some were applauding..smiling. I don't know what just happened, I didn't see her again after that. I'm trembling, my thighs still covered in my spent orgasm. I stood up, pulling my jeans up, falling about all over the place. I couldn't find David. Slumped against the wall of the dance floor, the lights spinning, my eyes all blurred, my clit still twitching from my orgasm. I clenched my eyes shut. I needed fresh air, or I would pass ou...........!
I vaguely remember sitting in the toilet being fucked by a vampire... A hand touches my head, I look up. Sitting on the steps in the cold night air, my nipples tight and erect. I wasn't on the planet, I couldn't feel my legs. My right hand was swollen and bleeding.. and I don't know why. ' Hello love.. you alright there?' I gazed up, focusing I saw that vampire, or so I thought. She sat down beside me, put her arm around me, I lay my head against her breast, the sound of her heart beating in my ear. I closed my eyes and tears began to fall again.

What do I want for Christmas?

I know what I'd like for Christmas and it won't cost me a penny! This is some thing I've dreamed of for the last twenty years. The last twenty years being the last time I went to the hospital to have a problem sorted;but it wasn't sorted. I came away very disappointed, my world shattered. 'BUT' ... and there's always a but! I went to my doctor some months ago with a swelling in my left thigh area. I was sent immediately to A&E with suspected DVT deep vein thrombosis. This condition can be life threatening. I was lucky that time, I had some thing else called Thrombophlibitis, inflammation of the veins. Still bloody painful, but it wasn't going to kill me. I have had several trips to the same hospital I went to twenty years ago, they still say the same thing... 'no can do.' BUT ... and there's that but again.. I was sent to a different hospital in a different town, they did an examination, ultra sound and put me on a waiting list. A waiting list!!!!! So I can hear you asking what it is I want for Christmas and am having it.....
A new leg. Yes. On Christmas Eve this year at 7a.m I will be going to have my left leg sorted, my varicose veins burnt away. The hidious bulging mess that has prevented me from wearing shorts in the summer, going swimming for fear of people staring at me. You might think that sounds nasty and painful. It might well be but I need the operation and I'm getting a new leg for Christmas. I am one happy bunny!!

Erotic Day

Well my day at work started at 6a.m. I felt tired, which isn't out of the ordinary on an early shift. I had a very interesting conversation with a friend at work who had a VERY interesting conversation with the boss of one of the departments I work in. Some one had bought an 'Ann Summers' catalogue for any one to look at. The woman boss just happened to mention that she wasn't particularly interested in the sexy lingerie or the vibrators, but liked to read some thing hot to get her going! At which point my friend happened to mention that 'I' have a blog and write erotic stories and poems. At this point she walked in the room, I smiled at her and she wondered what it was that I was so blatantly smiling at! So I chatted about my blog, my want to have my book published at which point she smiled at me and became interested at the words coming out of my mouth! So my next question to her will be .... Would you like me to give you my blog address and or would you like me to write a personal story for her... at a cost of whatever it is we decide on? The early start to the day immediately melted from my mind as I am now excited at the out come of my 'possible' new venture. How's that for a good day?

Party Time

I've come to the conclusion that my life at the moment and for several years now has resembled a jigsaw. The pieces don't always fit together, bit like the paintings that used to adorn my walls. But I have come to realise that life isn't a party but whilst we're here we may as well DANCE!! And that is what I intend doing this weekend, the whole weekend. There's this real nice guy at work,David.. he's gay... like me. Unlike me he has a lover, but that can be remedied. It's his birthday this weekend, he's invited me out to go clubbing to some gay clubs. He assures me I'll meet some really great friendly people and I'll have an absolute ball. I can't wait! I hope to take some photographs and down load them on to my laptop, so fingers crossed I get that sorted. I love club music and can dance til the cows come home. It's a long time since I went out and forgot about the 'shit' in my life, found some 'real nice' genuine people and carried on from the dredge of what I left behind.. this is my time to shine. My time to get my sanity back, start living again. Moving away from the past, forging forward to my future....look out world 'cuz here I come!!!

Safe

As I sit here in my living room
I feel safe again.
The pain has almost gone, or
so I believe, but I could be
wrong. I've been feeling kind
of empty, my mind has left me,
my heart has hurt me, my walls
now are some what empty.
I've been having therapy,
I some times find it helps.
To talk to a complete
stranger of the difficulties
I feel/ felt!
My walls are kind of empty
where memories used to sit.
Where pictures used to...
I had a good clear out, with
some scissors and a knife.
Loud music seems to help,
Led Zepplin's a good choice.
With a shaking hand n great
voice. Spring cleaning for the
heart, always appears to work.
I'm feeling safe again, but
for how long I'm not quite
sure, you see I've been here
before!

Black Thunder

Hey Spiky ~ just to let you know that I have a special place on the back of my motorbike, a comfortable black leather seat reserved for your cute ass. That ride I promised you, on my beast of a bike, well here she is in all her shining glory. Her name is 'Black Thunder' she's fast, sexy, dangerous, but I like to live dangerously. So what do you think of her? She's totally ME. You and I will have so much fun on her, riding off in the summer sun, picnic packed in my top box, the sun on our backs and the wind in our faces. We'd find some secluded lake and go skinny dipping, relax in the midday sun, make love under the trees, we will go anywhere we please babe. This baby can shift, top speed 180mph...awesome, totally awesome. I can just imagine you in full black leathers, round your cute bod!! The scent of a gorgeous woman holding on tight to my waist as I swerve round the country lanes of England....... corn fields ripe, the sunny haze. Don't you just love the colour black? It holds so many secrets, so much power. Just a little insight to the secret life of Indigo on her beast of a bike, a bike made for two.... me and you Spiky...... just me n you.

Remembering

Let us take a moment of our busy lives to remember those who gave their lives so we could live. For all the sons and fathers, uncles, grandfathers, men and women who.. for their countries fought a brave battle, suffered and died, we shall never forget them. Also for those who died in 9/11. Those were the brave, the ones who so unselfishly gave, and are buried some where in an unmarked grave. We don't live in a perfect world. We never will, war goes on in every sense, but for some reason there is no sense. Wear your poppy with PRIDE, the pride of knowing that those who gave their lives, gave their everything. The war memorials over the world are covered in red poppies, each petal represents a life taken. So for all the children who grow up without their fathers, sisters without brothers, mothers without their sons and husbands.... and every one who died, the ones left behind, say a prayer for the wounded and crippled. But never ever forget the dead.

Time to Reflect

It's been a while since I last wrote anything. I did say I wouldn't be long but I'm not quite ready to return yet. My mind isn't on the job of creative writing just yet either. I am however rediscovering myself again in a new light. I have found strengths that have been buried for what seems forever, these have given me an added ability to look at myself in such a manner that ... I guess the list of possibilities is endless. I have and am still dealing with an issue that has escalated over the past so many years, in more ways than one! When I do return I will have hopefully sorted my head out and have some thing juicy to write about. Shit happens I guess. I am enjoying my time off, but in another sentence..... I'm missing writing and receiving those heart warming comments that my friends in cyber space leave for me to inwardly digest.