Saturday 30 October 2010

Accomplished

You had pissed me off the last time we had contact. I was tired, you were just annoyed with life at the time, your life, life in general. I ... we exchanged words.. I went silent on you. My old trick was, that when ever we had fall outs I would go silent on you. I've grown up a lot since then. I now retaliate... say what's buggin me. We had words. We picked the wrong day to exchange glances let alone words...words that dented my heart..
I wrote about it on my blog, as I am doing now. WHY? Because I want to.. because I feel / felt I had changed so much in the past how many years. You have in unleashed a different part of me. I have ( silence !! ...thinking what to write next... blink, dry mouth..lick lips.) We have evolved you and I. That night I fell in love with you. It was Halloween. Fancy dress. I went dressed as a devil, red from head to foot including red spiky fork. I even had a red tail trailing behind me. It took me days to make...
Line dancin back then was a Large part of where we are now. I found this person dressed from head to foot in a black outfit, painted with white bones..aha a skeleton! ( smiling.. remembering.) Trying to dance for me wasn't an easy thing, in fancy dress...bloody impossible! We laughed, we had some member able times dancin, I couldn't take my eyes off you that night...
It's been some years since then. We've been through some shit together. My journey started that night in October, Halloween. Tonight is October-Halloween.
Wednesday 27th October. We went out for a drink, prior to that, I was still feelin subdued.. deflated. All these years we've been friends, very good friends. It's some times a kiss n a hug.. I didn't always insist on a kiss on the lips. If I was feelin confident I would lean into you, make some joke about it. I still feel.. confused. You are the only female friend I have who kisses me on the lips... some times.
First ever serious relationship.. one night I was textin to you under the darkness of my duvet, phone on silent. You shocked me, but for everything I was tryin to accomplish.. happened. It just landed in my lap. You wanted a part of me. You wanted to share me... with her. What was I going to do? What I always do... I delivered.
One cool day, a weekend if I recall. You called for me. Parked your car in our drive and we went for a walk down towards the river. I was cool, calm and nervous. I knew what we were doing...walking...avoiding cow pats.. climbing over five bar gates.. makin easy conversation. Why was it easy conversation? I'd known you for quite a few years... Was 'easy'.. comfortable? Was 'easy' the air bag to catch the commotion that was about to hit full swing into your lap? My lap had already been filled, my heart was all a flutter. My heart raced like an horse gunnin for the finishing post. Sweat formed in that tender bony area between my breasts.
We walked toward the flow of the river. The air was still, not a leaf stirred, a couple of cows looked in our direction. Just then I found a tree.. leaned against it. You came toward me, I could see you weren't sure on the procedure. You face brushed against mine. I took the lead. We kissed with abundance. My tongue..
My hands traced the out line of your face, like two lovers. But we never were .. lovers. You said I'd just kissed your face off... I smiled. Yes I had. I am a good kisser (something else I've learned over the years, admit what I'm good at without sounding like I'm bragging!) That in itself isn't an easy thing to do, but I'm workin on it. We walked back to the car. My head was buzzin, I felt light headed. We came, you saw, I conquered. Was this the start of some thing good for me? Is this what I really wanted? We didn't get any further, mainly because I was already in a relationship... lookin back, would I have done things differently?
Had we have taken it further... would you have let me take you. I've been in limbo for so goddamn long... I've given up. We / I like to flirt with women... men to some times. I get scared with men...
I was always telling you 'if you just gave me a chance you'd be screamin for more!' Who was I tryin to kid. We've been through so much crap you and I.
( Blinkin, holdin my eyes..fixed.)
I have given up.. I text you last week. You're not ready for another commitment, least of all with me.. Even though you once told me, you'd be scared.. of what? I could be so gentle with you.. you can't cum easily... me neither hun, anything great is worth waitin / workin for. Like I said babe, I with draw my intentions.. friends we will always be... lovers? we will always be friends.
I thought I'd lost you.. did we some where along the way lose each other? Have I found another side of you / me?
Memories ~ A blast from the past.
It all fits into place now. You said on Wednesday when we met for a drink. From the night we went line dancing.. I'd had lots to drink. Drink and my emotions don't mix.
Some guy you had your eyes on, Dave... he got up to dance.. I wanted to say there and then that I lov....ed you. I bottled it. Walked out. That night you didn't sleep. I walked and walked...
It was gone midnight. Fortunately it wasn't raining. Pity for my poor feet. Eight miles in total darkness (I have a fear of the dark.) Dave came back to you to look for me. I was almost passed out on the pavement. I eventually realised I should come back to the car park. I couldn't find your car. You'd driven off lookin for me.. wrong direction again. I think I'd set off in the wrong direction since that first time I saw you .. line dance? Skeleton?
By the time I'd figured out which road I ought to be walkin down, I'd come to realise I was on my own, pissed as a fart.. cold..!!
Worried ? I was a bit... I had no money. The words kept running around my head ' I love you..' Should I have told you? Would you have figured me out ? I so wanted you to figure me out.
I got to the next village.. it did rain on the way. My feet hurt and I had blisters on my heels. Day break was just around the corner. Birds were singing... I was sobering up.
I managed to get home in one piece. Straight to bed, couldn't get warm.
Bang on the front door.. You standin there.. Panic on your face. You hadn't slept all night. I had walked eight miles.. running from my fear. Fear that if I had told you what was eatin away at me... fear that you would reject me. Fear that I didn't know who I was... I know now who I am. It all fits into place now... your words... not mine.

10 comments:

Red Shoes said...

Sometimes, it takes a while for us to figure out who we are... sometimes some of us never learn.

*hugs*

~shoes~

Indi said...

Red Shoes ~ Thank you ... I've grown up a lot since then, but I still have that scared child inside of me..


Indi


xx

KittyCat said...

I believe that some times being scared of the what if's holds alot of us back from true happiness.
Which is truly unfortuate.

It shoulndt be so fucking hard to be happy.

Indi said...

KittyCat ~ We tend to spend most of our lives seekin this thing we call 'happiness' I some times think we're lookin in the wrong place...


Indi


x

Tia said...

WOW....DEEP !!!!

I knew that was meant for me from the first line........it pricked my conscience!!
Well, what can i say .....you are waiting for this comment........so here it comes.........not for the first time ...as you now.

Readin this ...about me....was ...well......exhilerating to say the least. when someone has written something about you i can tell you....you can't read fast enough...the excitement hits.....the intrigue heightens....what the hell is gonna appear next??? It has you gripped by the s n c :-)

I NEVER realised or picked up on the fact that you are insecure.....you ALWAYS appeared to me as a VERY confident person. You were never shy, reserved, or backwards in coming forwards.!! I now know otherwise...you (like i) need reassurance 24/7. I thort that 'I' were the one who needed that (how blind was i?) I have learnt a lot about you on your blog...what you don't say in real life comes out in you on your blog. You reveal yourself like a flower in bloom...you expose your very soul, you leave nothing hidden, you share ! :-) You are like a butterfly ....you evolve!!!!!!!!!!!! x

Tia said...

ha...and as for you giving me the silent treatment.. . . .it never bothered me...or ever will. I take it as a 'rest period' . I will confess that your revelation about the firstnite you cared for me on halloween nite came as a BIG surprise.....but a nice one...THANK YOU BABE x

Indi said...

Tia ~ And with your comment, you came you read and you replied.. I have waited a long time for this.. As I wrote it from the heart, you replied from the soul. I used to say that 'what you see is what you get..' this was just a ruse to cover up my insecurity.. but even that fell apart. I am an imposter .. I have multiple talents.. maybe.! I have multiple personalities.. who am I? Any how, gettin back to our reply.. you've known me how long? Am I that good at hidin my feelings?

Indi said...

Tia ~ It's been a long hard journey to get to where I am today.. life's never that easy is it? (don't answer that!) All I can ay is 'Thank you'

Indi

x

Tia said...

Good at hiding your feelings? YES.....you used to be. NOW.....oh no!!!!!! I have you sussed......left,right and centre!!!!!!!!!! MWAAAH x

Indi said...

Tia ~ 'guilty me'lord' charge me as you see fit! I can see I'm goin to have to change my tactics... I have plenty more tricks up my sleeves... Hmmmm... now what I wonder? Sussed eh? I think not my dear... you thought you knew me after what 10 years? I t may take you another 10 to find the true me, but if you do find the true me, let me know I'd love to meet her.....


Indi



x