You had pissed me off the last time we had contact. I was tired, you were just annoyed with life at the time, your life, life in general. I ... we exchanged words.. I went silent on you. My old trick was, that when ever we had fall outs I would go silent on you. I've grown up a lot since then. I now retaliate... say what's buggin me. We had words. We picked the wrong day to exchange glances let alone words...words that dented my heart..
I wrote about it on my blog, as I am doing now. WHY? Because I want to.. because I feel / felt I had changed so much in the past how many years. You have in unleashed a different part of me. I have ( silence !! ...thinking what to write next... blink, dry mouth..lick lips.) We have evolved you and I. That night I fell in love with you. It was Halloween. Fancy dress. I went dressed as a devil, red from head to foot including red spiky fork. I even had a red tail trailing behind me. It took me days to make...
Line dancin back then was a Large part of where we are now. I found this person dressed from head to foot in a black outfit, painted with white bones..aha a skeleton! ( smiling.. remembering.) Trying to dance for me wasn't an easy thing, in fancy dress...bloody impossible! We laughed, we had some member able times dancin, I couldn't take my eyes off you that night...
It's been some years since then. We've been through some shit together. My journey started that night in October, Halloween. Tonight is October-Halloween.
Wednesday 27th October. We went out for a drink, prior to that, I was still feelin subdued.. deflated. All these years we've been friends, very good friends. It's some times a kiss n a hug.. I didn't always insist on a kiss on the lips. If I was feelin confident I would lean into you, make some joke about it. I still feel.. confused. You are the only female friend I have who kisses me on the lips... some times.
First ever serious relationship.. one night I was textin to you under the darkness of my duvet, phone on silent. You shocked me, but for everything I was tryin to accomplish.. happened. It just landed in my lap. You wanted a part of me. You wanted to share me... with her. What was I going to do? What I always do... I delivered.
One cool day, a weekend if I recall. You called for me. Parked your car in our drive and we went for a walk down towards the river. I was cool, calm and nervous. I knew what we were doing...walking...avoiding cow pats.. climbing over five bar gates.. makin easy conversation. Why was it easy conversation? I'd known you for quite a few years... Was 'easy'.. comfortable? Was 'easy' the air bag to catch the commotion that was about to hit full swing into your lap? My lap had already been filled, my heart was all a flutter. My heart raced like an horse gunnin for the finishing post. Sweat formed in that tender bony area between my breasts.
We walked toward the flow of the river. The air was still, not a leaf stirred, a couple of cows looked in our direction. Just then I found a tree.. leaned against it. You came toward me, I could see you weren't sure on the procedure. You face brushed against mine. I took the lead. We kissed with abundance. My tongue..
My hands traced the out line of your face, like two lovers. But we never were .. lovers. You said I'd just kissed your face off... I smiled. Yes I had. I am a good kisser (something else I've learned over the years, admit what I'm good at without sounding like I'm bragging!) That in itself isn't an easy thing to do, but I'm workin on it. We walked back to the car. My head was buzzin, I felt light headed. We came, you saw, I conquered. Was this the start of some thing good for me? Is this what I really wanted? We didn't get any further, mainly because I was already in a relationship... lookin back, would I have done things differently?
Had we have taken it further... would you have let me take you. I've been in limbo for so goddamn long... I've given up. We / I like to flirt with women... men to some times. I get scared with men...
I was always telling you 'if you just gave me a chance you'd be screamin for more!' Who was I tryin to kid. We've been through so much crap you and I.
( Blinkin, holdin my eyes..fixed.)
I have given up.. I text you last week. You're not ready for another commitment, least of all with me.. Even though you once told me, you'd be scared.. of what? I could be so gentle with you.. you can't cum easily... me neither hun, anything great is worth waitin / workin for. Like I said babe, I with draw my intentions.. friends we will always be... lovers? we will always be friends.
I thought I'd lost you.. did we some where along the way lose each other? Have I found another side of you / me?
Memories ~ A blast from the past.
It all fits into place now. You said on Wednesday when we met for a drink. From the night we went line dancing.. I'd had lots to drink. Drink and my emotions don't mix.
Some guy you had your eyes on, Dave... he got up to dance.. I wanted to say there and then that I lov....ed you. I bottled it. Walked out. That night you didn't sleep. I walked and walked...
It was gone midnight. Fortunately it wasn't raining. Pity for my poor feet. Eight miles in total darkness (I have a fear of the dark.) Dave came back to you to look for me. I was almost passed out on the pavement. I eventually realised I should come back to the car park. I couldn't find your car. You'd driven off lookin for me.. wrong direction again. I think I'd set off in the wrong direction since that first time I saw you .. line dance? Skeleton?
By the time I'd figured out which road I ought to be walkin down, I'd come to realise I was on my own, pissed as a fart.. cold..!!
Worried ? I was a bit... I had no money. The words kept running around my head ' I love you..' Should I have told you? Would you have figured me out ? I so wanted you to figure me out.
I got to the next village.. it did rain on the way. My feet hurt and I had blisters on my heels. Day break was just around the corner. Birds were singing... I was sobering up.
I managed to get home in one piece. Straight to bed, couldn't get warm.
Bang on the front door.. You standin there.. Panic on your face. You hadn't slept all night. I had walked eight miles.. running from my fear. Fear that if I had told you what was eatin away at me... fear that you would reject me. Fear that I didn't know who I was... I know now who I am. It all fits into place now... your words... not mine.