Random ramblings of desperate depressionist!!!!

Even though I haven't had one juicy ( terribly missed ) glass of any kind of alcohol in the last three weeks...almost.. my dreams are very colourful, vibrant and surreal! When I did drink.. my dreams became almost scary... but not to the point of waking up scary. Last night I dreamt I was lost whilst out on my motorbike and I managed to drop her not one but three times... and without loss of ability to pick her up again. So you can imagine that when I got up this morning and found the weather to be ideal for riding my Yamaha FZ8, I was slightly nervous... to say the least! I did have a near death experience last week when following a car at roughly 70mph, he decides to stop thus slamming on his brakes... 'I' slammed on mine too, which.... sent my back wheel into the locking position and my front wheel then wobbling erratically whilst 'I' tried my best to stay on.... it was fuckin scary, and I left a long black rubber line where my tyre skidded on the tarmac.. but I survived to ride another day. I have had one or two surreal episodes since taking the medication... and wonder if it is in fact the medication that has sent my mind into over drive.... alas my body has not followed and still feel constantly tired!! My first hour with the councillor last Tuesday was one I shall not forget in a hurry.... I have three more appointments to come.... and she will be giving me home work.... I have some more questions for her myself so I expect it to get very heated in there.... I just hope I can eventually find my inner peace and have a fricken drink of wine to celebrate my triumph.

Raw

Words exchanged, feelings raw.
sitting awkwardly..thinking I've
so been here before. Knots in
my stomach..mouth kind of dry.
To think that just two weeks
ago I'd have given anything
to die. Brought out the
weapons of mass destruction
last night, and without a
stiff drink I quite calm
started to calve my way out.
Steady as she goes, first
cut is the deepest, the rest
come with ease. To be asked
if I was happy... blank
expression, is there such
a thing? I want to find
my inner peace, to be calm.
When I have found that I
think I will have reached
my goal. It's a long journey
it's going to take all my
strength and then some more.
I have to be happy with me
then the rest should fall
into place... but until
that day, I shall remain
without a true smile
upon my face. My feelings
are raw, cut wide open..
like I mentioned earlier..
I've been here before.

Darkness

Soft sweet..sticky
like the sap of a
tree. Cut this
darkness away..
now I shall scream
with tears in
my eyes..and
I shall call
this Euphoria.

Pissed.................off!

The one thing I hadn't
given up until last week
was alcohol... then the
sweet doctor lady gave
me not only a form to
fill in to decide how
depressed I was.. didn't
actually tell me I wouldn't
be allowed alcohol whilst
taking these anti-depress
pills...which has depressed
me even further. Now I can
hear you all saying that
alcohol is a depressant..
yeah I get that but I
don't smoke anymore,
I can't eat chocolate,
I now can't have a tipple
either because this
shitty world we survive
in, or at least try to
survive in has sent me
'WACKO' for the record.
Some one at work last
week did however suggest
I tried ...wait for it..
'Alcohol-free' stuff.
So I tried it, I've
never tasted cat piss
before but I'm guessin
this alcohol free beer
resembles cat piss !!!
So why do we still call
it beer if it doesn't
have that curtain kick to
it, that... let me see,
'Alcohol' in it? Ya may
as well not 'FRICKEN
BOTHER !!!!!!!!!!!!!
So yeah I'm more fricken
DEPRESSED no cuz the one
thing I could still
have in life 'WAS' a drink,
So now that's out of my
FRICKEN SYSTEM!!!!!!!

Blink

Sitting in the waiting room,
bells ring, children play
with toys collected in the
corner.. clanking about
not a care in the world.
I sat for what felt like
an eternity there..face
sore, eyes dried from
every angle I've cried.
Eyelashes stick, energy
levels low.. my name is
called I have to go.
Tap on the door, I enter
in.. I'm here to say
what I'm not feeling..
Sitting on this lonely
chair.. shaking. Crumpled
paper tissue in hand. Step
one to say what is wrong..
or what isn't right. My eyes
blurred, tears imminent..
blinking with waves of
emotion.. why do we
apologise? 'Sorry,'
I blurt out, hand shake
time for time out.
Form to fill in..
can't see my eyes
out of focus 'Sorry,'
I whisper, not wantin
to shout. She reads
the questions for me,
I nod my head, she
ticks the boxes..
'Ar yes..' you have
depression.. is it
all in my head?
I'm now the proud
owner of these
tablets...just one
a day.. bummer is..
alcohol.. I have to
leave it out!!!!!!!
Back to work, not a
good one at that.
Everything I've
touched has either
broken or not worked.
I walk around tryin
not to get eye contact
which isn't easy where
I work, too many prying
eyes... wantin to know
why I look like I've
cried. Eyes to the
floor, door opens, I
blink some more. I'm
fed up of people askin
me am I alright? Yeah
I know they're concerned
but I just want to be l
left alone. Hugs from
the guys.. keep ya chin
up it'll be alright.
I couldn't wait to
get home.. I hope I
feel better soon,
I miss my sunshine!

Waiting to Jump

Steel the light..
to ease the pain..
sterilize the blade,
steady hand....then
try again. No pain
no gain..right? I've
been here before..
every one thinks
you're ignoring
them, I'm not..
I just want to
be left alone.
New blades..a
whole new game.
Aim to please,
it's a fucking
laugh..criticism
is like being
skinned alive.
I like red...
I wanna go lie
down now. You
ever wondered
what it feels
like to be...
dead? Is there
an after life?
Do I believe
in God? He died
for us right?
Did it hurt
when they
nailed him to
the cross?
Jesus Christ
endured the
pain.. did
he spit his
dummy out?
My dear mother
has always told
me I should
have been a man.
Am I a dick?
Parents can
be so fuckin
cruel, so why
is it I still
try to please
them.. I don't
love me..never
have.. so no
I'm not avoiding
anyone, I'm just
trying to be me,
if that includes
spitting, pain..
blood and blades
then that is who
I believe I am.


I'm just venting
my anger.. I don't
wish to offend..
God forbid...
There I go again.


Poetry helps me,
pain n blood are
just a few of the
ingredients.. I'm
by no means a
drama queen..
I'm not a drag
queen, maybe I
should give it
a go.. sex change?
Ya never know.. it
might just be the
one thing in my
pitiful life that
will turn me
into happy?
If there is
such a thing?!

Blurry eyed

Lost in this dark ses pit of life.
Cold and alone... crying eyes..dried.
Blurry vision.. palpitations..fear
of the not knowing...panic attacks.
The first step is to admit, first to
yourself you require help.. that is the
first step, I took that step last week,
I had a chat with my sister Cindy in
Canada... she's been through what I'm
not feeling right now.. I have lost
myself in this world.. my feelings
are in turmoil.. I cry.. I shout,
I'm here for everyone but have
forgotten about how to look after
number one.. I'm going for help..
I need to set my head straight..
I have so many issues.. I don't
know where to start..I might
tread on a few feet along the
way... but hey, the only word
that rhymes with hey & way! I
don't smile much these days..
Cindy is there for me, she got
me to open up.. that's a start
right? I have a heart..but it
aches so god damn much of late.
Sticky eye lids, dried with spent
tears.. I have to go there.. to
chat.. to face my fears..