Love at first sight

The darkness lifted when you entered the room.

I witnessed your every move, slick and smooth.

My eyes wide, my mouth..dry.. my heart skipped

as you collected your thoughts and scanned the room.

I looked away all fingers and thumbs, stumbling to find

what to say, nervous, excited, my nipples erect.

My legs felt heavy, Needing to speak, nothing to say.

Your gorgeous blue eyes and your golden hair. You

must be an angel in disguise...

The music rocks silently, my ears pricked for your voice

You take your place, I watch your face, your concentrating

so hard, I look away not wanting to be seen, wanting

to be seen. Thundering, pounding like waves crashing

pulse racing, I'm in love. I am here and you are there

Time for tea, time to relax, lying upside down on my back.

Limbs all numb, pins and kneedles in my bum..

God I'm hot, you are there and I..am here, wanting to speak

full of fear, all fingers and thumbs.

I catch a glimpse of your eyes, bright and lush, I want

to kiss your mouth, hold you tight, make all this feel right.

Make love to you, lie next to you, feel the heat upon our flesh.

Embrace you, touch you, feel the heat between your legs.

Hold you for all eternity... time to go. I watch as you

collect your stuff, make for the door, I'm still stretched

flat out on the floor, muscles cramped, I wave goodbye, too

late you're gone. My heart sinks, as I return to my feet

the door swings open, you'd forgotten your coat, you smile

at me, my expression must have spoken a thousand words,

you say goodbye and I'm sold.

Can't sleep, can't eat I'm in love. Can't wait for next week.

Bitter sweet

Rain clouds stir the sky.

The bitter sweet taste of summer nights.

Wading through fields of gold...

holding hands just you and I.

The humidity clings to our skin.

The ground below is scorched and dry.

Birds fall silent, the storm is coming.

Thunderous symphonies fill the air,

take shelter beneath the tree, old

from age, her branches like fingers,

they blow in the breeze.

Bitter sweet, these hot humid nights.

Flesh shimmering with lovers delight.

I hold you there, beneath the tree

brush my fingers through your hair...

trace the outline of your lips,

tease you.. pull you in.

A shiver runs down your spine,

the chill settles as the sun goes down.

I smile at you..you pull me in.

Distant thunder fades into the night.

The air is cooler and so am I..I

hold you close, we kiss..

Oh such succulent sighs.

The sound of bitter sweet nights.

Self awareness

A few weeks ago I mentioned about giving up with this self hate regime. Trying to find myself, change the way I think, how I feel, emotionally and spiritually. The days go by slowly and each new morning brings with it new challenges. I embrace each one with as much calm as I can cope with. I some times think I need therapy to help me curb my temper, although I do try to do this myself. But this isn't always easy. I went to see a therapist some years ago. That was a complete waste of time too. I remember the day as though it was yesterday. I got there all riled up and nervous. The 'female' was OK to begin with but I didn't feel comfortable in my new strange surroundings..out of my 'comfort' zone. After the initial introduction of who she was and why I was there, I felt like I was on a white knuckle ride at the fair ground. I pulled away from reality, started to sweat, my throat became dry. I felt she was criticising me, judging me for who I was and why I was there. I remember telling her what she wanted to hear. That was the first nail in my coffin and it went down hill from that moment on. So I'm never going back to a therapist as long as I remain breathing! I'm exhausted from being in this shit place of the 'Abyss.'
I've been there so long, I'd forgotten the world that I was born into. The colours of the rainbow, the smell of freshly cut grass, the taste of hot bread.. the list is endless. One day a newly found friend threw me a life line. A reassuring voice telling me that I don't belong in there. A ladder out of that dark hole, and I suddenly realised that there is life after all. It hasn't been an easy ride. I'm starting to see daylight once more. My senses have returned. My temper's in its cooling off stage. When I get angry now I try very hard to understand why it's happened.. that may sound stupid but for me it's almost normality. And on the odd occasion I find myself hitting out, I aim for softer areas, some thing to cushion the blow.