Shitty

Same old
same old
same old.
Nothings
changed,
can't
get my
head
around
this
feeling
of lost.
Stopped
lookin
in the
mirror,
boring
same old
person
starin
back at
me. Have
given up
trying
to figure
out who
it is.
Sportin
the latest
in tubular
bandage,
same old
excuse..
aggravated
muscle..
easier to
digest for
the fuck wits
I have to
acknowledge
at the
Tampax
factory..
I put the
strings in
Tampax for
a job, pays
not bad,
buys me
petrol for
me bike.
Curled up
on sofa
today..
heater on,
tv too..
feelin tired
what's new?!
Autumn leaves
are turning,
Halloween is
here again.
Not got no
treats in..
nor tricks.
Can't even
be bothered
for that..
Soon be time
for fireworks
as we light
the fuses
that give
loud bangs.
I'm not
feelin to
good of
late.
Constant
bad neck
stress I
so believe.
F***ing
great!!!
My mentor
and a couple
of close
friends
say I'm
going about
it the right
way. Enough
is enough,
I have my
own demons
to deal with,
have no room
in my head
for anyone
else right
now.. I'm
no bitch,
certainly
no cow!
I won't
be here
for a
while..
mobile's
constantly
turned off!
Don't
answer the
phone..
Keep myself
to myself.
Christmas aint
far behind,
I may not
bother if
ya don't mind!
Won't apologise
done nothin
wrong.. same
old same old,
same old...
Goodbyes.

Drownin

Time for me.
Stop giving
start lovin
myself. Those
are the words
from my mentor.
This is very
difficult for
me. I'm a fish
sign..at this
moment in time
I'm a fish that
feels like she
is drowning.
For anyone
who knows me,
they will
understand,
and if ya
don't then
tough shit.
Shit can be
a good thing,
cow shit on
ya roses..
shit on the
souls of ya
shoes...not
so good..I
aint talkin
with no one
or is proper
English..I
aint talkin
to anyone
right now.
I gotta give
me time..
could take
weeks.....
months....
years....!!
I can't rush
how I feel..
but since I
gave up talkin
to anyone I
feel shit loads
better... it's
a long story.
Aint goin there.
It would mean
talkin 'n' like
I said..I'm done
talkin.. gotta
have ME time.
I come first,
not second
or last. I have
to think about
what I want..
need..and until
I've figured
that out... I
aint by no
means talkin!
Textin! E mailin
nothin...!!
So if ya
feelin left
out.. just
try n imagine
how I feel..
I just gotta
figure out
now how I
should feel.
Apart from
a drowning
fish outta
water..!!!!
Ooooow...I
just wanna
SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAM!!!!!

~ 1 ~

I quit.
I did..
One
year
today
I quit.
No more
fags,
bad
breath
dirty
teeth,
brown
skin,
feelin
outta
breath
when
doin
menial
things.
Runnin,
rushin,
I did
it ...
one
year
today.
I feel
great.
I no
longer
smoke.
My
lungs
are
clear.
My
wallet
is
fuller.
Cold
turkey
worked
for
me...
did I
tell
you?
I
quit
one
year
ago
today!

All Clear

A couple of days ago my Dad phoned at around 9pm, I always get worried at that time of night as to some thing being wrong. In this instance it was good that I answered the phone. Great news followed as my Pa told me he'd been back to the hospital where it all started months ago with the Aneurysms,from discovery to surgery then out then back in for minor repairs to the previous surgery. He's had the all clear. Now my dilemma is my beautiful new family in Canada, I'm holding back telling them as their Dad has just been diagnosed with Cancer. They always ask how my dad is, as he had the same operation as Burt... now Burt has come through his 3 surgery's and is looking grim as to his life before him. I can't ... I don't want to be happy talking to them as they are going through so much upset and pain right now, as I am with them every step of the way. I am so HAPPY that my dad's better.... what should I do?

Aggressive

Numb is how I feel today,
something to do with life.
I really thought the meds
were beginning to work, but
now I'm slowly slipping down
the ramp into the abyss... I
feel like I've failed myself
I hate to trample on others
feet. My mouth is small, my
heart is full of pain, and if
that wasn't enough I have
received bad news from afar.
My life is nothing when I
compare my sister's pain..
Cancer is gettin the better
of him... it doesn't look
good. If Liver and Colon
wasn't shitty enough..
the results of the CT scan
show it's now spread to
his spine, lymph, lungs..
from his liver and that
massive tumour they
found in his colon last
time. So I have no
right to complain..
my new found family
from across the pond
are struggling with the
on going thought of
losing their Dad..
time limit..who knows.
Chemo is an option, but
at 73 yrs old..to fill
his body full of nasty
aggressive chemicals,
to attack this awful
aggressive cancer
which is rapidly
taking away his life?
And I thought my life
was bad..... I still
feel numb.... I read
the E mail that my
sister sent, I read
it twice, I still
can't take in those
dreaded words... I'm
going to lose my new
adopted dad... I feel
the grief which explodes
in me... the anger from
deep wthin... I'm numb.

~Spiky~

Spiky left this blog sphere some months ago... not sure of how many to be precise.
It's not the same with out her.... I don't know about any one else but even though I'd never actually met her face to face, spoken to her on the phone... I felt I knew her... like a distant sister, best friend. If you manage to read this Spiky... I hope you are taking great care of you and your family. I wish you all the very best in life... and one day you will have that ride on my badassmotherfucker of a motorbike...that I just know must happen. I realise that people in blog land are very busy with their lives... mine of late has been very busy particularly at work... gone from a normal 40 hr shift to a 45 hr shift, getting up at silly times of the day...short term and I made sure with my boss I get time off later, I aint stupid...wouldn't do it unless there was some thing in it for me ;). Any how digressing from the story. I wish you health ~ wealth ~ and most of all happiness Spiky my dear... And don't let the bastards wear you down.
Keep writing your amazing stories and may be one day when the dust has settled, you might return to blog land and put a big smile on my face.... or may be not, which ever way life comes.... just keep on being you Spiky... You are beautiful, sexy, funny. talented... and I miss you x