Saturday, 26 September 2009

Instruments of Distruction

It all started about ....um let me see.... when I was about 11 years old. I remember watching this programme about a tribe who lived...god I can't remember, but they lived with some rare ideas of how to survive. One particular episode had a profound effect on me. I say 'profound' because it was horrific. . yet I can remember it as though it was yesterday, but I know it won't have the kind of effect on me as it did all those years ago. I lost sleep over it, became distant, nervous, uneasy. I couldn't eat. I retracted into my own little world, which was easy because I was having trouble at school anyway. I was tall and lanky, my teeth were built like a horses, they stuck out with, and still have a gap between my front teeth, room enough to get my tongue through sideways. I had no self esteem. Now I can hear you asking what has my tongue got to do with losing sleep etc?! It doesn't have anything to do with that. I was merely stating that to have witnessed such a traumatic incident on a TV when I was 11 years old, was some thing that effected me long term. This was the very first time I started to self destruct. I got upset talking about what I had watched, what had happened, and in great detail I reeled off from start to finish. In detail, with tears rolling down my face, followed by nightmares every night for weeks. I was seen by the doctor, my parents got worried when out of the blue I started wetting the bed, this adding fuel to my in depth worry. Looking back I guess I was a troublesome child. Biting my finger nails was another bad habit I picked up, picking the skin around my fingers was another, until the point of making them bleed. Being picked on and bullied at school. So..... where am I going with this? Any child can bite their nails, yeah it's a disgusting habit, most kids did/do it right? I had to go one step further. I started to scratch the skin on the back of my hands.... and scratch...... and SCRATCH, until I made them so sore I'd do it all again, adding spit so the friction wouldn't burn. For god sake I was worried about friction burns and I was persistently scratching
my now red raw flesh, it would eventually bleed, but I would wait until the next day when the wounds had dried up and I would start all over again. This went on for days/weeks/months! So you see I started to 'self harm' at a very young age. And I know from the deepest part of my 'child' world that it has dented my self esteem, and up until recently it did, dent my self esteem.
It's hardly surprising is it that I've continued when the shit gets thick, I bring out all the sharp instruments and start carving myself up again. I guess I was an early developer! I have to say I did eventually stop pissing in my bed. Biting my finger nails came much later in life. My nails are much different now, I take more pride in them. I know for a fact that children have good imaginations, but what I saw on that programme left me effected for a very very long time, some thing in me altered, I wonder if it was an omen. Was there a message, from another world. Or was it the fact that I was a strange child, different from all the rest. They weren't picked on and bullied at school, I was, my life at high school was a living hell. Yeah ,I was tall and skinny and had crooked teeth. I believe deep down in my soul that what I experienced from the age of eleven was the making of who I am today. I have, I believe I've grown in strength. I also strongly believe that for all the bullies in my life were there for a reason, they were a test for me. Sent by my guardian angel.. a test? So had I not have witnessed that awful film thirty seven years ago, and gone through all that physical crap, would my up bringing have been different? Would I not have been bullied? Would I have grown up whole? It's a shame I couldn't have grown out of this harming process, even into my adult life I've cut myself, but I've graduated from scratching to using real instruments of destruction. It's amazing how clean a cut you can make with a brand new razor blade, the sharper the better, like a hot knife through butter. Then I have all these scars, all self inflicted of course, by yours truly. So you see I still have this stigma, that has followed me through the ages. I have however tamed this heat that some times just devours me. Why do you think I have so many tattoos? They cover up the bad stuff so I don't have to remind myself of the bad times.

31 comments:

nitebyrd said...

Hun, I think you're just amazing. You write with such heart. I hope that you know that you're a beautiful human being and that you should never have to hurt yourself. Knowing that so many people here in Blogland love you and think you're just amazing should let you know that you're valued.

Whatever you saw in that program is in the far past and should be exorcised from your mind because you've come a long way. You're still traveling and I know you're going to have a fabulous journey.

Indigo said...

Nitebyrd ~ I never realised I was admired THAT much.Bloody ell' am fillin up! Not sure I'm up to exorcism. But I get where you're coming from, thank you so much for your comforting words nitebyrd, I can see how my writing has blossomed and the journey as you described it has not yet finished. I wrote this story last night, after I'd had a large glass of red wine, guess I should choose my wines better, you see it relaxes the mind and then the thoughts start to flow, I guess that was a bad thought. My usual stories are fictional, the one I chose to write was for real, not such a good one eh?

Shadow said...

hey! i'm happy to hear you've made peace with yourself... it's true. the past shapes us to what we are today. both the good and the bad. and once we've made peace with the bad, that's when we can truly live. free.

Indigo said...

Shadow ~ ya think? Blimey all these years I've been cutting myself up over pretty much nothing...literally! Thank you for tellin me the truth. I can now go forward, hopefully never glancing back.

BamaTrav said...

Sits in silence.

BamaTrav said...

Sits in silence.

Indigo said...

Bama Trav ~ Yes very much so, thank you for dropping by

Xx_beautifulDISASTER_xX said...

im followin you.. so follow me! haha

Indigo said...

Xx beautiful DISASTER xX ~ thank you for following me & dropping by :-)

Shelly Rayedeane said...

Sometimes self inducing trauma is difficult to overcome especially if a person surrounds themselves with people who constantly trigger those memories.

This is a very good post.

Indigo said...

Shelly Rayedeane~ I think you've hit the nail on the head there, it isn't always easy to ditch the memories either, they're in my head, have been for 48 years. Thank you for your lovely comment.

Jackie Adshead said...

I know you've suffered in the past, but I think you've found peace through your writing, and realising that you "touch" people with your words - whether its the deep, profound personal stuff like you've written here, or the fantasy erotic stories you write. You're using your creative output in the way I think that really enriches lives - other peoples, and your own. And for that I have huge admiration for you.

Indigo said...

Jackie ~ 'Thank you'... that takes alot for me to digest. I tend to forget how I effect myself and others through my writing, but when you put it like that... I can feel my eyes watering.

Casdok said...

I agree i think things happen to us for a reason, not always sure what the reason is maybe till years later.
I often wonder how by chance we stumble onto blogs that somehow touch us.

Indigo said...

Casdok ~ Yes stumbling is good in some respects, I'm glad you stumbled my way. Thank you

Akelamalu said...

I don't know what it was you saw that made you hurt so much but definitely some things do have a lasting effect on a child. I'm glad you feel you have more control now and I hope that you will eventually be able to relegate that memory to the past where it belongs and move on.

Reiki blessings to you.x

jennie_beane said...

Amazing. Completely amazing.

Shelly Rayedeane said...

You're very welcome for my lovely comment boobs!

A little off topic here, but if you are having a difficult time accessing Ubertwat's blog, it is because there is a temporary problem with her webhost.

You can still get there by clicking on the following link:

Ubermouthreturns.blogspot.com

Spiky Zora Jones said...

oh honey...if I knew you back then...no one would bully you. I would have clobbered them. I was a tall kid and mean if I saw anyone pick on my friends.

A bully was picking on my younger brother...me and my brother went to that kid in school and we punched him a few times and scared the hell outof him. The next time he bullied we would find out and he would get smacked everyday after that.

I guess I had to be a bully to stop the bullies. I wouldn't have let anyone hurt you...not even you. I'd have talked you out of it...I'm sad that I wasn't there to help you.

But I'm glad you are the person you are now...I though won't give them credit...you are a wonderful person...because you are you.

xxx

And sweetie...you made me cry with this story.
ciao honey.

Indigo said...

Akelamula~ Thank you, yes I guess that's what I have to do now, put the past behind and move on, it's an amazing thing the human mind, some things I can remember when I was very very young and at my grandmothers' house, she died when I was 3! Yet I can't remember what I did last month! Thank you for your blessing ~x~

Indigo said...

jenni beane ~ 'Thank you' so much for dropping by and telling me so.

Indigo said...

Shelly Rayedeane ~ Thank you for UBS suggestion, much appreciated. Will use it to contact her later :-)

Indigo said...

Spiky ~ I had a pretty shitty school life. But I've always said that if ever I came across the 'then' bullies 'now' I'd have my revenge BIG TIME, just give me a baseball bat and half n hour, I'd soon give them hell back, pay back time. I wish you had've been my friend back then, we'd have shown them. I always said that if you take away the ring leader, they have nothing, they are just showing off to the 'twats' that think they are big by following them in the first place. I think I need closure for this episode in my child hood, it still haunts me. Thank you with all my heart Spiky. Love ya X

Indigo said...

Spiky ~ I had a pretty shitty school life. But I've always said that if ever I came across the 'then' bullies 'now' I'd have my revenge BIG TIME, just give me a baseball bat and half n hour, I'd soon give them hell back, pay back time. I wish you had've been my friend back then, we'd have shown them. I always said that if you take away the ring leader, they have nothing, they are just showing off to the 'twats' that think they are big by following them in the first place. I think I need closure for this episode in my child hood, it still haunts me. Thank you with all my heart Spiky. Love ya X

Indigo said...

Spiky ~ I'm sorry that this story made you cry. I was just letting off steam, I've had a brilliant day today at work, then I went and lost it big time and... well.... I'm not going to tell but it hurt and I bled! I think I need help...

UBERMOUTH said...

hahaha Shelly is like my PR. Sweet,eh?

Now this post was heart wrenching to read Indigo. What did you see on tv that upset you so much?

I don't quite understand why people self harm[and I know this is probably going to sound stupid] but can't you just not do it?

You are so truly beautiful inside and out that I may have to come and kick yur arse if you hurt yourself again.

Love yourself mre than anyne else.
Works for me!
:)

Indigo said...

UBERMOUTH ~ The program involved a woman being tied by both legs to two trees, anqoured, tight. Then the trees were released in different directions which ripped her into pieces, tha image has stayed with me for ever. I don't know why I self harm, some thing inside me just snaps and then the sharp ingredients come out! I think I need hypnotising or some thing, to get rid of the 'bad' memories, I thought I could handle it, it's obvious I can't! I do try to love myself, I truly do. Where am I going wrong? Thank you for being a rock for me, I truly appreciate your hard work and friendship ~x~

the eternal list said...

great blog, looks like i've got some back-reading to do

Indigo said...

the eternal list ~ Thank you for dropping by, so early in the morning! :-)

Topaz said...

Here late, but still here.
Your writing deals with it not from the inflictor of pain, and not even from the victim of pain, but from some third person point of view, though be it completely immersed in the content. You can understand it. That seems like a good place to be in. I hope that production is set aside until you're ready to visit it again.

Indigo said...

Topaz ~ yes you seem to know where I'm coming from or more to the point where I am now...in a place called lost. Lost is good some times because if I can't be found I can't be hurt. You truly do understand me... this fills me with hope. Thank you