Saturday, 26 January 2008

No boundaries

I'm at my most vulnerable when I've had some alcohol, listening to rock is a must too....What I here you ask? Pain. Self inflicted is the best, the adrenaline rush is awesome. But to get the full effect of pain is, it just keeps coming, the sharper the implement the better, the deeper the cut depends on how drunk I am, like a sedative. Yes I used to be a user, or in English terms... a 'cutter.' The best time I ever had was when I broke up in a relationship a few years ago. Shit happens. It nearly finished me, came close to ending it all. Am OK now but still feel the need every now and again to feel the rush.. when I get rock bottom. I have certain areas of my body that I go for, areas that are less likely to show, having said that tattoos are a good cover up. I can talk about it now because I've got a hold of my life ( tears flowing now!) Am fine really! Need another drink, don't worry the knives are safely put away. The other kind of pain I love is when I'm tied up and whipped with in an inch of my life by another being and saying 'FUCK OFF' no more.... laughing now, god I love to shock and I'm on a roll now! Slurp!!South Australian wine... fuckin great wine. Now where was I oh yeah... flesh ripping blood soaked sleeve. I'd been in a long loving awesome relationship for almost five amazin years with this shit gorgeous woman. The times she's handcuff me to the ceiling, blindfold me and tease me, god.. putty in her hands. I never gave into the pain barrier, never used the safety word. This makes me stronger, this builds my immune system for future references. I can take anything ( but dental pain ) LOL!! I have an amazin tiger tattoo covering up some pretty impressive scars. When I need a reminder of what I used to be, I run my fingers down the tigers face. My tattooist recognised them and fully understood my past without questioning me. He said the tattoo would cover it up, but it doesn't repair the emotional side. That's the kind of people I like, folk who understand me, know where I've been and know where I've come from. Those were the days, sad really 'cuz I kinda miss the adrenaline rush, feeling in total euphoria but I got a new kinda rush now.. she's called Dragonfly, my motorbike. I hope never to go down the lost road of cutting up again, and if I do I may not be so lucky next time! So until the next ....adios

12 comments:

nitebyrd said...

I'm a good listener if you ever need an ear (or shoulder, for that matter.) Cutting mutilates your spirit as well as your body. Yes, the ink will disguise physical scars. It the caring and understanding of other kindred souls that will soothe the emotional scars.

Call out if you ever feel you're sliding into the abyss again.

Indigo said...

I'm over whelmed with your complete thoughtfulness and total understanding, you have no idea how this lifts me up. I was hoping never to cut again.. today wasn't the day!...Thank you for being there

nitebyrd said...

Hello? Are you doing all right?

Indigo said...

I'm doing ok at the moment thank you, having said that I did slip momentarily into the abyss yesterday.. gettin a grip sometimes isn't easy! But thank you for asking

nitebyrd said...

Hey! I'm usually in the abyss myself. You can always pull up a chair. ;)

Indigo said...

I'll keep that 'chair' in mind, a glass of something alcoholic usually helps..! How far away from the abyss do you surrender?

nitebyrd said...

I raised the white flag years ago. Zombie is how I describe myself. I believe I deserve an Oscar most days for "acting" normal.

But .... hope always springs eternal. I'm a pessimistic optimist!

Indigo said...

A 'pessimistic optimist' I love that.. am smilin again... thankyou, there's hope for me yet....!

Mystery woman said...

Indigo, thank you so much for your kind comment on my blog.

I hope you do come on over to the new one and visit often, and please feel free to comment - we have a lot more in common than perhaps you first thought!

Indigo said...

'Mmmm... I quite like the sound of that....! Well I will come over to the new blog for sure, like I said, I can't wait.

butterfly said...

I use to believe the only people who could hurt you are the ones that make or see you cry. So now I can no longer cry, but I still hurt. I don't think cutting would help anyone. Glad to hear you have stopped sacrificing yourself to the pain god's. Nitebyrd is a good friend and listener you should console in her.

Indigo said...

Yes I will console in her, we all have demons, we all need to learn how to come alive again, some days are better than others but I'm a survivor and hopefully you are too?