Monday, 13 December 2010

Out of my Control

OK so this isn't my usual kind
of writing.. I'm going through
some uncertainty right now.
I'm sailing quite easily into
my seventh week of no fags..
The shit I'm experiencing at
the moment is really testing
my nerves. The words we all
get agitated with are the
one's that I heard some new
managerial prick, younger
than me,only been in the
job since last month.. they
want to get to know us.. my
line manager has worked in
our dept for roughly 12
months or so give or take.
I've given three & half
years of hard graft. He's
taken it, expected my
all, and now the fuckin
government want to take
my all... includin
possibly my fuckin
lively hood...JOB!!
So as you can probably
imagine my first
thought would be..
'I need a fag' calm
my nerves. I went out
for lunch to see a
friend who is the
daughter of my best
friend who lost her
brave but quick
fight against
Ovarian cancer
three years ago.
We went outside
for logs.. she
immediately lit up
a cigarette. I
was proper pleased
with my utter control
in this my first
test as to whether
or not I crumble
and ask for a drag
of this white
burnin fag.
I didn't even want
a drag... good eh?
My plan was to
give up before my
50th birthday.. in
10 weeks time..
yeah February is
less than 10 weeks
away... run and
hide. Can you
think of places I
fit in (I'm 6'tall)
I just wanna bury
my head in the sand,
need some one to
reassure..hold
my hand. I have
come to realise
I have to gather
up all my inner
strength, ride
this traumatic
time with as little
stress as possible.
I don't want to lose
any sleep over it.
I've lived on pain
killers for days..
Sleep is good..wine
not so good. I need
to get through
this. Should I
get to the end
of the tunnel..
so to speak and
the bus has already
left, I'll hang
around for a while,
some thing else
is bound to come
along...right?
So there you have
it, my ability to
say NO to long
white sticks..
so far so good.

14 comments:

Don't I Know You? said...

Awesome on holding out on the cigarettes.

Awesome on approaching 50. (Flat Stanley just hit 54. It so good to be alive!)

Awesome on being 6 feet tall.

Woops. Saying awesome repeatedly is a cliche way past its sell-by date.

On serious side,:-( . Thinking happy thoughts of a great job for you.

Leah said...

Indi, well done with the fags. I gave up about 10 years ago because I wheezed like an old woman. Never regretted a single moment. I know it's hard honey - but stick with it. Think of the money you'll save too. That was a good incentive for me :-)

The Savage said...

Hugs! and a bottle or several of wine...

nitebyrd said...

Indi, I'm so damn proud of you for not smoking. You're really and inspiration to me. (((hugs)))

You are always in my thoughts and I send you positive energy, hoping that you will keep your job. I've heard on the news that the UK is making drastic cuts because of their economy. Things are sucking big time all over the world right now, but I want you to be safe and happy. I only wish I could make it so. I keep buying those lottery tickets! ;)

Christiejolu said...

Good going! You are doing great!

Indi said...

Don't I Know You? ~ Yes I can relate to all of what you just said includin the out of date cliche *smiling* I have embedded the thought that should I lose my job, then some thing way better than scrubbing shitty toilets and emptyin bins is for me... just a stone's throw away. That or I'm living in cloud cuckoo land and the black myrihya needs to come collect me ;). I just love to work, always have done, I don't do sit down coffee mornings, go visit folks... thank you


Indi


xx

Indi said...

Leah ~ Thank you, yes I'd decided long ago with all good intentions and failed miserable attempts to give up before I hit 50... O M G it's not far away is it? Well I'm well on the way to completing my goal, all I need to do now is fight for my job, easy? Me thinks not... we shall see


Indi

xx

Indi said...

Savvy ~ Every one I know at work, (they can be thick twats some of them and we're talkin management here) assume there are always jobs out there... yeah possibly but for each job application there's possibly 400 folks going for it. I will continue to keep my fingers crossed and 'cheers' to the red wine all 400 bottles of them *hic*

Indi (thank you)

xxx

Indi said...

nitebyrd ~ Thank you hun, I have three things in my life right now that I am very grateful for.. A roof over my head, good health, a man who adores and loves me.. two great kids..(who still live at home!)OK that's four things... money is a must in this day and age, we need it to survive..(pay off my depts).. I might buy a lottery ticket on Friday, I did last week but the 6 numbers that came up weren't the same as mine (bummer) I have to keep smiling eh? fingers, legs, eyes, tits arms crossed...bleedin 'ell I'll fall over!!


Indi

xxx

Indi said...

Christiejolu ~ *winks* thank you

Indi


xx

Memphis Steve said...

I have a long white stick that women seem to have no trouble saying "no" to.

But seriously, congrats on resisting the temptation. I used to work at a bank where everyone in management smoked, and if you wanted to know what was going on and maybe get promoted you had better find an excuse to be outside with them while they smoked because that's where all the real business went on. So I started buying cartons of Marlboros from Switzerland via the internet and selling them to my coworkers for cheap. That gave me an excuse to stand down there and breath in their second-hand smoke while we talked business. I myself haven't smoked since I was about 6 years old (big brother was a bad influence.)

Indi said...

Memphis Steve ~ Yeah I know where you're coming from. If I was to start smoking again... I'm sure I'd have gained at least another couple of hours to my day... paid of course, but in the place where I work, if ya face fits, regardless of how much you either do or don't lick your boss's arse.. ya can get away with practically anything... ME? I work bloody hard and now they wanna fuckin scare us by threatenin us with possible redundency..WTF!
Thanks anyway... ;)


Indi


xx

red.neck chic said...

I'm proud of you!!! And give your friend an extra hug for me...

xoxoxo
Keep taking deep breaths...
;-D robelyn

Indi said...

red.neck chic ~ It's two months come this Friday since I had a fag. Today was testing.. but I won my job back... I'm about to post on it, stick around you're goin to like this one ;0

Indi

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