Instruments of Distruction

It all started about ....um let me see.... when I was about 11 years old. I remember watching this programme about a tribe who lived...god I can't remember, but they lived with some rare ideas of how to survive. One particular episode had a profound effect on me. I say 'profound' because it was horrific. . yet I can remember it as though it was yesterday, but I know it won't have the kind of effect on me as it did all those years ago. I lost sleep over it, became distant, nervous, uneasy. I couldn't eat. I retracted into my own little world, which was easy because I was having trouble at school anyway. I was tall and lanky, my teeth were built like a horses, they stuck out with, and still have a gap between my front teeth, room enough to get my tongue through sideways. I had no self esteem. Now I can hear you asking what has my tongue got to do with losing sleep etc?! It doesn't have anything to do with that. I was merely stating that to have witnessed such a traumatic incident on a TV when I was 11 years old, was some thing that effected me long term. This was the very first time I started to self destruct. I got upset talking about what I had watched, what had happened, and in great detail I reeled off from start to finish. In detail, with tears rolling down my face, followed by nightmares every night for weeks. I was seen by the doctor, my parents got worried when out of the blue I started wetting the bed, this adding fuel to my in depth worry. Looking back I guess I was a troublesome child. Biting my finger nails was another bad habit I picked up, picking the skin around my fingers was another, until the point of making them bleed. Being picked on and bullied at school. So..... where am I going with this? Any child can bite their nails, yeah it's a disgusting habit, most kids did/do it right? I had to go one step further. I started to scratch the skin on the back of my hands.... and scratch...... and SCRATCH, until I made them so sore I'd do it all again, adding spit so the friction wouldn't burn. For god sake I was worried about friction burns and I was persistently scratching
my now red raw flesh, it would eventually bleed, but I would wait until the next day when the wounds had dried up and I would start all over again. This went on for days/weeks/months! So you see I started to 'self harm' at a very young age. And I know from the deepest part of my 'child' world that it has dented my self esteem, and up until recently it did, dent my self esteem.
It's hardly surprising is it that I've continued when the shit gets thick, I bring out all the sharp instruments and start carving myself up again. I guess I was an early developer! I have to say I did eventually stop pissing in my bed. Biting my finger nails came much later in life. My nails are much different now, I take more pride in them. I know for a fact that children have good imaginations, but what I saw on that programme left me effected for a very very long time, some thing in me altered, I wonder if it was an omen. Was there a message, from another world. Or was it the fact that I was a strange child, different from all the rest. They weren't picked on and bullied at school, I was, my life at high school was a living hell. Yeah ,I was tall and skinny and had crooked teeth. I believe deep down in my soul that what I experienced from the age of eleven was the making of who I am today. I have, I believe I've grown in strength. I also strongly believe that for all the bullies in my life were there for a reason, they were a test for me. Sent by my guardian angel.. a test? So had I not have witnessed that awful film thirty seven years ago, and gone through all that physical crap, would my up bringing have been different? Would I not have been bullied? Would I have grown up whole? It's a shame I couldn't have grown out of this harming process, even into my adult life I've cut myself, but I've graduated from scratching to using real instruments of destruction. It's amazing how clean a cut you can make with a brand new razor blade, the sharper the better, like a hot knife through butter. Then I have all these scars, all self inflicted of course, by yours truly. So you see I still have this stigma, that has followed me through the ages. I have however tamed this heat that some times just devours me. Why do you think I have so many tattoos? They cover up the bad stuff so I don't have to remind myself of the bad times.

Part two - Spiky n Me

With the wind in our hair and the sun on our backs, we headed off out into the wide open roads. This new bike had every thing and I had the girl of my dreams right behind me, precious cargo. My heart racing and my pussie twitching under the tight black leather jeans that kept my secret safe. I could hear her shouting some thing in my ear.. I slowed the bike down, put her into third gear, with no traffic near us, I tilted my head back toward her mouth. Spiky was pointing at the cactus at the side of the road up ahead. " I need to pee," a broad smile shot across my face, " sure " nodding my head I pulled the bike to an almost stop, putting my foot down to steady the bike. Putting her into neutral, side stand down, Spiky climbed off the back, with panic spreading across her face, clenching her groin and jumping up and down in desperation. I climbed off, taking the keys out of the ignition, led her to the side of the road less conspicuous to any passing traffic. Before I could say anything, she squatted by the side, unzipping her full length black leather skin hugging jeans down the full length of her tanned..toned legs. My eyes fully focused on her shaved pussie. The hot gush of urine hitting the scorched earth with such an urgency, the sound escaping her lips of total relief. " Arghhhhh.... that's better." I was still smiling at the sight of her shaved pussie, she standing there in front of me, her hands on her hips with her jeans still around her ankles, draped over her cowboy boots, steel toe caps glistening in the midday sun. The sun beating down on her-our bodies. I took a step closer. Kneeling down in front of her, looking up at the wicked expression on her face. Unzipping my jacket, my white t-shirt stretched across my small breasts. My nipples standing to attention. She widens her stance, making my approach easier. I slowly brush my hands up her thighs savouring every inch of toned skin. "Mmmmm.... and what do we have here?" She puts her hands on my head to steady herself. The scent of a woman, her sex glistens with a perfume, a perfume more powerful and intoxicating, more appealing than liquid gold. I direct my thumbs toward her labia, lean forward and plant small kisses around her sex. She sighs, willing me to carry on. I kneel forward once more bring myself closer still to her clit, this jewel buried amongst fine silk. With my tongue licking the surface, then deeper..stronger strokes... she tastes delicious, I lap at her feet, eating her sex... her orgasm building, her legs start to shake. Bringing my right hand to my mouth, licking my fingers I can taste her juices. Slowly I insert them into her pussie ..one then the other. My tongue working faster, my fingers slower, I can feel the heat rising . " Oh...........my........g-" She bends down forcing her finger into my open mouth, I suck as she imitates fucking my mouth. Saliva dribbling.The pace quickens. Taking her to another level. The point of no return. Once more with ease I take her a step closer. " Yes! Yes! Ye---s! " Suddenly she starts to stagger as the full force of the approaching orgasm takes hold, my tongue still attached to her sex, I'm losing my composure, but it's too late and she falls on top of me. Half finished with bringing her to orgasm, my hand soon finds the way back to her soaking wet hole. Rapturous screams of pleasure escape her mouth as I continue . Pulling her jacket apart and with the free hand I gently squeeze her juicy tits. She squeals under her breath biting my tongue. I take no notice, the pain is exquisite. I smile to myself, her eyes shut tight, mine open. I sense her orgasm subsiding, her body slows, legs twitching, flexing. She rolls over on to her side. After a few moments, her eyes open and she's staring up into the blue sky- motionless...breathing in shorts gasps.
" God... you're good." She smiles at me. " Ya reckon?" smiling back. We lie there for what seems an eternity. Back on the road and the sun's going down. We should make a move, it'll soon be dark, we don't have much gas left. She plants a huge wet kiss on my mouth and tosses a wink. Keys in the ignition and we're soon back out on the highway looking for adventure!!! Some miles up the highway I can feel a draft coming from my groin but I can't take my eyes of the road. Then without warning I feel the sensation of my zip being pulled down I ease back against my woman, loosening the grip on my handle bars. slowing down the speed. Her hand pushes into my jeans, and as I'm riding commando, she finds my now juicy hole. " Mmmm..." I mutter under my breathe, " Oh yeah baby..." biting my bottom lip, trying not to fall off the bike or crash. Her hand moves with expertise. I grind my hips to the rhythm of her wanking me, the bikes wobbles but I manage to keep control. " Fuckin hell.....!" "Oh yeah baby Mmmmm.....yeah.... shittttttttt. " My thighs take most of the shock, the euphoria riding all the way up my thighs into and out of my throbbing pussie... I have to stop the bike, I have to!
Once more I pull the bike to a grinding halt. Lean back even further and take her in my arms.

Part one Spiky n Me

The sun was blazing down on the tarmac, it seemed to be melting... and so was my heart. I'd met this girl, she lived just five houses away from me. God she was hot. I tried everything to get her to notice me, but it all seemed to be of no avail. But.... one day I saw her chatting to another girl, she was butch and that kind of scared me, they seemed to be getting on really well, my heart sank to the depths that day. I figured I'd lost her for good. I became distant from the rest of the world, I didn't make the effort any more. I saw her at high school one Monday morning, after spending the whole weekend doing nothing but dreaming about her. I was day dreaming as I walked aimlessly down the hall then 'thud' I dropped all my books and landed awkwardly on the floor, it hurt. As I sat there in a crumpled mess on the floor rubbing my knee feeling dazed, I looked up and met this shining angel looking down at me...it was her. My heart leapt from my chest into my mouth. I tried to say some thing... something like ' hi- I think you're so gorgeous' but nothing came out of my mouth, I made the shapes for the words but silence escaped me. She bent down and held out a hand... I just stared at her. 'Here grab my hand and I'll help you up.' That was the start of a very happy friendship, that with time developed into a very exciting love affair.
Tuesday morning came and I couldn't wait to get to school, I dressed in my tightest black leather trousers, put on my purple low cut sleeveless cotton t-shirt, it had a picture of a Harley Davidson motorbike on it, I was mad about bikes. My Uncle who lived in Nevada, had promised to give me one for my birthday which was on Saturday, I couldn't wait to ride it for the first time. The rest of the week came and went, we passed by each other in the halls and I sat a few tables from her at lunch time, occasionally she's glance my way and smile. I'd sit there day dreaming of her on the back of my bike, us riding of into the sunset together. Friday lunch time came and as usual I was first in the queue for food. There was always a rush for food, and I was always hungry, but to look at me you'd wonder where I put it all! I couldn't make my mind up what to order, standing there staring at the food counter, bodies behind me becoming increasingly annoyed.'Hurry up' they shouted... I opened the fridge to get a can of Dr.Pepper and this other hand smothered mine, as I turned around to see who it was it was my new found girlfriend. I looked at her, no I found myself staring at her, her eyes were fixed on my chest, my t-shirt to be exact. 'Wow' I just love Harley Davidson motorbikes, I've dreamed of owning one some day. I couldn't wait to tell her I was actually getting one tomorrow.... I was splitting my sides wanting to invite her on the back for a ride. 'So you like bikes eh' 'Yeah.' We actually have some thing in common. We sat together that lunch time, I don't remember what I ate or what she said, I couldn't get this amazing image out of my head, and wondered what she's look like in black leather, tight black leather!!! I was starting to salivate. Saturday came. I watched excitedly as the delivery truck rolled off my new bike, she was awesome, dark red leather seat, chrome exhaust, huge fat back tyre. I thanked my Uncle via phone, he'd been ill and unfortunately couldn't make the trip. I signed the slip thanked the truck driver, grabbed the key and started her up. The sound of this throbbing engine, the feel of her on the road. I took her for a ride around, and thought I'd call round to see if my girl was in. I pulled up onto her drive. Putting the side stand down, climbing off her. I had the biggest grin on my face. The sun was out, my black leathers clung to my skin, I was hot... in more ways than one. Walking up to her front door, hesitating at the door knocker, pulling away... what would she say? Just as I was about to knock for the first time, at that critical moment, my heart pumping in my chest, my pussie becoming juicy,the door opened. She stood there in front of me. In front of me in all her shining glory... my mouth dropped open. Black leather jacket opened just below her plump breasts, cleavage in sight. Tight black leather jeans, laced from her ankles to the top of her thighs..... cowboy boots over the top. Tassels hung on the back of her jacket. I was speechless..then I said it ' you are fuckin gorgeous darlin.. you ready for some fun?' She slammed the door shut. As I led the way down the drive to my new bike, she slid her hand into mine. I stopped, looked around and she planted a kiss on my lips, 'what's that for?' I asked.... ' I watched you park on my drive, I saw you walk up to the door. Oh my god she knew what I'd got planned. I pulled her back to me, our eyes met, her breasts pressed against mine, the scent of black leather, the creak of leather, intoxicating, sun beating down on us. Shades on, I climbed on and she followed. 'Hold tight me love' I told her. To feel her thighs cling tightly around mine, to have her groin moments away from my ass. I could feel her heart beating, her breath against my neck. I turned the key, she jumped in to action, my girl on my back, her hands holding around my waist, I was in heaven.

Remembered

As I stand outside your house
one final time, the memories
come flooding back of all the fun
we had..the moments we shared
the love we had. You were one crazy
lady, loving, warm and some times mad!
It was so sad the day I found out...
the hospital smelled of lonely people,
all of what we had, we laughed and cried.
That fatal day came...when you my best
friend.................................................died.
As I now stand here, my eyes brimmed
with tears, I can hear your voice in my
ears. Your shadow followed me here today.
You're here with me my friend.....
oh yes indeed.
Your house lies empty now, not how it
used to be.. full of fond memories, your
photos are all gone, but I hold you dear
in my heart. I talk to you when I am sad
I am sure you are listening. I can just
imagine your reply.... you'd smile....
make me a cup of tea, tell me it's OK.
You'd sit me down and reassure me, soon
you would get me laughing again. You see
it's you that I miss, our friendship was so
great, then you left me........ you died!
I will always hold you dear in my heart.
I carry you with me wherever I go..
I some how know that you can hear me
I glance at your photo nearly every day,
smile and say 'hi how you doin girl?'
I met with your daughter today
went to your house, sat and caught up
with the great times we shared.
It's hard to believe it's two years since
you passed, the emotion is still raw.
You weren't meant to go so young,
but death is never fair.
I will be with you one day, but hopefully
not just yet, we'll catch up, make a cup of tea
and laugh, laugh, laugh...all day.

Woman

It's hard to explain what I feel,
in this head upon my shoulders,
the thoughts running round in
my mind. I'm not your usual woman,
I should know..... I've tried.

I fell in love with that woman.
Five and a half years we had,
we shared the love and laughter
then it all ended in tears.
I shall never forget those fatal
words she said,they often creep
back into my head, but now I
realise, how much they hurt.

But that was then and this is now
I come to notice my love never died.
Her smile it warms my soul, her eyes
light up my world, I hold that burning
torch for her, just wish she could still
be by my side, but we still share that
something, that never will blow out.
I've grown a lot in strength and yes
I am so proud.

Proud to know she was there for me,
she held my hand...we kissed so sweet
her lips were soft and juicy, her touch
so warm and wanting, our love was magical.
To the stars and beyond. I put her on a
pedestal, for no one but me to touch.
I still love you girl, with all that we loved.

I cannot deny it any more, it's true.
I have to accept that is will never be
anything else, but to me it's still special
but deep down in my gut, I got a feeling...
she knows.

Ripple

Reach out and take my hand.
Feel my fingers, ripple your hair,
grasp all that I offer you..
inhale all that we share,
all that we breathe.
Endeavour...create this
world that is ours.

You lie before me
with gilded hair, gold
strands fall like rain upon
my skin. Tears trickle
down my cheek, sweet nectar
tasting honey.
Your chest rises then falls
and rises once more, my hand
moves with shuddered pace.

Eyes closed you mimic my
speed with simple touch for
you to please, increased
pleasure, legs wide, my hand
covers your silk purse, eyes
wide you stare into space.

Crisp white linen, knuckles white,
A torrent of heat rising,
I hear your pleasure, I read
your mind. With nipples hard
your voice reaches new heights.
Contorted with fire that rises
through your soul, hold tight
this pleasure, my love for you.

Time to catch up

Hi every one I've just got back about an hour ago from my holiday, in Whitby North Yorkshire. I am intact ... er ... apart from my beast of a bike!! I managed to almost do a wheelie, but I wasn't trying to. I managed to pull my left leg, it's OK, and add a few more scratches to my paint work!! Shit, Bugger, Bollocks! To name but a few words that passed my lips at the time of falling off the bloody thing! I have suffered with a swollen knee for three days prior to the accident. I will get to the point of replying to Spike's blog and replying to the award that she most generously gave me before I went away. I am looking forward to sleeping in my own bed tonight and having a lovely cup of tea, made by yours' truly! I haven't had time to read all 59 E mails yet. I love getting away from the real world, pigging out, drinking ample booze and falling asleep at any given moment, obviously not whilst on my bike. I can fall of that whilst it's pretty much stationary! I love to listen to the screeching seagulls, but not at 3a.m. The weather was kind on the journey up and nice and sunny on the afternoon of the Wednesday as I arrived. The weather turned nasty for pretty much the remainder of the holiday, apart from Saturday when I went on my bike to Newcastle...Geordie land!! I had an interesting conversation with a local man in the town, I asked for directions and he in his native tongue replied ' ya go down ther'... sorry but I can't remember what else he said, I tried to keep a straight face and concentrate on the details he was giving me, afterwards I thanked him and immediately got lost! The only problem with holidays is, they soon end and we have to return to the real world..... WORK!! ARRGHHHHHHH!!!! I will be back at my boring job on Tuesday, what fun. I haven't written anything since I've been away, I have rested my brain, totally chilled out.. ( rain saw to that ) and had fabulous rides on Black Thunder, the scratches are tiny and all part of a learning process
at of how not to fall of it. Thankfully I wasn't going to fast t the time otherwise I might not be here typing these words to you.